Jump to content

Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting


Recommended Posts

I work with a man who's very senior but it's a small company, so we're all friends. We're both married with kids. I think we've been flirtatious with each other but nothing has happened. At one point he even cooked for me, so we've become pretty close at work.

 

We've met at the skating rink for the past two weekends; first time, he was with his wife and didn't say hi. Second time, he was only with one child and said hi to me, but only when my husband was far away.

 

This morning, I arrived and he had told two other girls at work about us meeting; I joked 'Yes, we have a standing date every Sat now". He added "Yes, until March"...

 

Then he came into my office to ask about someone even when he knew that I didn't have any info on the person. He came in, sat down... Then I mentioned something else and he misunderstood me, got embarrassed and left. I got that feeling you get when someone just made a mistake in front of you, so I said something to make him feel better.

 

I told my husband he was there both Saturdays. But I can't help but think that he said hi this time bc his wife wasn't there! And that he's trying for more contact at work bc there's something there.. Am I reading too much into it?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

That's the feeling I have, but it's only a feeling. I search my head but there hasn't been anything concrete that tells me he's even into me or anything. So I keep thinking I may be overreacting. And I'm the worst at reading men, so if there's someone who wouldn't know, it's me.

 

A lot has happened, but we always run into each other a lot. This morning, he was getting into an elevator and I came out of a room. He said "Hello, M. ( my name) - goodbye, M." He'd said that before, so I joked "Is that your new line?", he said "That's just the way it goes" ( He's VERY senior and busy.)

 

Later in the day, the same happened in another area, but I noticed that he made an effort to leave someone's office as I walked by. He said the same thing again. I laughed and asked if it was the new joke now... He said "I'm always passing you..." and we talked a bit. It's now "our joke".

 

I guess I don't know how to act now. But I am a little excited about seeing him on weekends. I did stop myself from making conversation last Saturday and only replied to him, even though there was a chance to start one... It felt... inappropriate, somehow.

 

Help!

Link to post
Share on other sites
That's the feeling I have, but it's only a feeling. I search my head but there hasn't been anything concrete that tells me he's even into me or anything. So I keep thinking I may be overreacting. And I'm the worst at reading men, so if there's someone who wouldn't know, it's me.

 

A lot has happened, but we always run into each other a lot. This morning, he was getting into an elevator and I came out of a room. He said "Hello, M. ( my name) - goodbye, M." He'd said that before, so I joked "Is that your new line?", he said "That's just the way it goes" ( He's VERY senior and busy.)

 

Later in the day, the same happened in another area, but I noticed that he made an effort to leave someone's office as I walked by. He said the same thing again. I laughed and asked if it was the new joke now... He said "I'm always passing you..." and we talked a bit. It's now "our joke".

 

I guess I don't know how to act now. But I am a little excited about seeing him on weekends. I did stop myself from making conversation last Saturday and only replied to him, even though there was a chance to start one... It felt... inappropriate, somehow.

 

Help!

 

And I think there is your answer. What do you want to do about that feeling?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I don't know if there's anything I can do. I may just be worrying for nothing, since he may not be interested in anything and wouldn't take it anywhere even if I had interest, which I don't. I guess I dont know enough, but I do find myself wondering if he's interested. I caught him looking at me from a distance at the rink, and he was also watching my husband skate ( he's great at it!). So this morning I complimented him too, said "He was great, pretty fast!", to the other ladies who were part of the conversation. He smiled and said "I'm alright..." He's not nearly as good as my husband, though.

 

But anyway, I'm probably overthinking this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
still_an_Angel

Oh dear, this has got trouble with a capital T all over it. There may be something there but you need to weigh how potentially disastrous your consequences are going to be. Its a small company where everyone knows everyone and maybe everything eventually. You need to think about your family, your M and in this case, your career as well. Is it going to be worth it? A little flirting can go a long way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

But is this even flirting, though? That's what I don't know. Men look at me all the time, maybe he was just looking bc it's interesting to see someone from work in "real life". I did tell my husband that he didn't say hi the first time; I had no idea he was even there, days later he told me when I was in his office. I asked "We're you there with your kids?", he said "Yes, but with the while family", which includes his wife... My husband also thought it was weird that he didn't say hi the first time.

 

The second time, no wife... He made a passing comment to me as he skated by but my husband was far away. Again I told my husband, jokingly, after we left, that it was just my luck that someone was there to witness my first time on the ice... My husbands first question was:"Was he any good at it?", lol. Guys...

 

But I have no intention of having an affair. Why is this dangerous? I guess that's why I need input, I'm not very good at seeing pitfalls and my experience with men is close to none - husband was my first and only partner.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ask yourself why it's so important to you that a man simply said "hi" to you?

 

 

Seems you are ripe for an affair. Tell your husband that. He deserves to understand you're making a big deal about the older guy at work saying hi to you out in public.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

You are playing with fire and you know how the rest of that saying goes...

 

Sounds like you are already too deep in your head, if you ask me...

 

Slam on the breaks now if you can.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
But I have no intention of having an affair.

 

Those could be the most famous last words ever spoken. You came here asking "Is this leading to infidelity", you already had your answer.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

It's because I'm very surprised by my reactions. I mean, I shouldn't care if he's interested or not. I've had guys ask me out as a married woman; every time I've told my husband and we both laughed about it. This is different.

 

I am over analyzing it, and keep telling myself he's not interested, so there's nothing to be afraid of. How do I make this stop? I have to interact with him every day.

 

The other day he was joking again about how we pass each other all the time, and I said "Yes, and it's not like either one of us is trying to do this, it just happens.". He smiled, looked down at the floor and agreed. It was a different reaction and I picked up on "something".

 

This is so frustrating. All I have are feelings and conjectures. I'm a very analytical and objective person. All of these emotional things are upsetting me!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are way over reading this because you have lust in your heart.

 

Find someplace else to go skating because you want to head the wrong way down a slippery slope.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
All of these emotional things are upsetting me!

 

You're emotionally involved, I would think it more accurate to say you are conflicted. Whether you are ready to admit it or not, you are interested and given the right set of circumstances, it would be easy for you to give in to those feelings.

 

I'm not going to try to talk you out of having an affair, only you can do that. Just know that many of us, me included, have seen the signs over and over again. I've not had an affair, but I have been hurt by a wife that did, and that pain can be quite debilitating. That is the consequence you might want to consider.

Edited by redtail
Link to post
Share on other sites

You do have the tell tale signs of an emotional affair.

 

Look it up.

 

I had no idea what the heck it was until I was waist deep in one and unable to stop it from consuming me and leading me to tell my spouse, move out of our house, and have a relationship with someone else for a year.

 

Get help now. Counseling.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If you plan to be faithful to your marriage, it really doesn't matter what this guy is thinking and wanting, does it? That would be his personal problem.

 

How seriously do you take your marriage? How do you feel about explaining to the kids that you are getting a divorce? How do you feel about hostility between you and your kids' father? How do you feel about your kids meeting daddy's new girlfriend?

 

These are more important questions than whether or not this coworker wants to have sex with you.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

Both of you are clearly emotionally involved.

 

Would you be comfortable explaining everything you have said here to your husband? If not, it's an emotional affair.

 

Like someone else said, go skating elsewhere and enforce strict and professional boundaries at work. Otherwise, it will just go downhill from here. And venture in to the OM/OW forum for a reality check on the long term consequences.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This has all the signs of heading towards an affair. You may say you don't want an affair, and that might be true at the moment at least for the rational part of your brain. But it will soon end up with you wanting then having an affair.

 

Take it from me. I have poor boundaries with women and end up getting too emotionally involved. Several times I've painfully pulled back from the brink (and one time didn't).

 

Do as others say - avoid contact outside work and stop making conversation with him. I know that's hard, and it's easy to tell yourself it's just a conversation, then it's just flirting, then it's just coffee, just lunch, just dinner then it's just a kiss then just a mistake it was just sex and there you are.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You guys are really scaring me! But thank you, at least it's making me think that this may be more serious than I'd anticipated. And looking back over the past few months, there's been so much. He's in much more senior position than me, and there have been over the top compliments... Then I went on vacation and bought all my coworkers gifts, but his was more special; it was something I'd heard him say he liked. He spent hours making something just for me that I said I liked.

 

Today, I had scheduled an appt for him and reminded him, he said "I'm triple booked but I'll find a way to make it." He raced back to the office from another meeting to make the one I'd scheduled, which I was happy about. I'm not saying it was bc of me, but he usually gets a pass bc he's so senior and so busy.

 

And my husband is so much better - looking, more senior than this guy at his work, and makes more too. Plus, he loves me more than anything. What is wrong with me? This shouldn't matter.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You guys are really scaring me! But thank you, at least it's making me think that this may be more serious than I'd anticipated. And looking back over the past few months, there's been so much. He's in much more senior position than me, and there have been over the top compliments... Then I went on vacation and bought all my coworkers gifts, but his was more special; it was something I'd heard him say he liked. He spent hours making something just for me that I said I liked.

 

Today, I had scheduled an appt for him and reminded him, he said "I'm triple booked but I'll find a way to make it." He raced back to the office from another meeting to make the one I'd scheduled, which I was happy about. I'm not saying it was bc of me, but he usually gets a pass bc he's so senior and so busy.

 

And my husband is so much better - looking, more senior than this guy at his work, and makes more too. Plus, he loves me more than anything. What is wrong with me? This shouldn't matter.

 

Do you REALLY love your husband?

 

If you do then you'll find another job like NOW. You won't go to that skating rink again.

 

If you don't love your H you will continue working there... Flirting with the old dude and meeting up at the skating rink.

 

It doesn't work both ways. If you love him you'll take steps to show you do.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
You guys are really scaring me! But thank you, at least it's making me think that this may be more serious than I'd anticipated. And looking back over the past few months, there's been so much. He's in much more senior position than me, and there have been over the top compliments... Then I went on vacation and bought all my coworkers gifts, but his was more special; it was something I'd heard him say he liked. He spent hours making something just for me that I said I liked.

 

Today, I had scheduled an appt for him and reminded him, he said "I'm triple booked but I'll find a way to make it." He raced back to the office from another meeting to make the one I'd scheduled, which I was happy about. I'm not saying it was bc of me, but he usually gets a pass bc he's so senior and so busy.

 

And my husband is so much better - looking, more senior than this guy at his work, and makes more too. Plus, he loves me more than anything. What is wrong with me? This shouldn't matter.

 

Why don't you share your concerns with your husband? What's stopping you from doing that?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

And my husband is so much better - looking, more senior than this guy at his work, and makes more too. Plus, he loves me more than anything. What is wrong with me? This shouldn't matter.

 

Feeling a little bored with marriage and family life? Needing attention and flattery?

 

Forget this guy. Assume that he has a raging case of herpes.

 

Tell your husband you want to get dressed up and go out on the town. Tell him you are craving the kind of night where you get a little tipsy and then he brings you home and takes advantage of you.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

And my husband is so much better - looking, more senior than this guy at his work, and makes more too. Plus, he loves me more than anything. What is wrong with me? This shouldn't matter.

 

Unfortunately as you get more involved you will instead start comparing your husband unfavourably with this guy. Please be careful.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Btw, he's senior in the company, not old! Lol He's 6 years younger than my husband (who is 10 years older than I am).

 

I don't know. In the year of 2014, I have had sex exactly 5 times. My husband got sick last January and has been struggling with energy levels even though everything else is normalized. I don't even know if what this guy has done qualifies as attention or flattery. He's getting better slowly but I'm younger, very sexual, and this change has been physically and emotionally crushing.

 

Under normal circumstances, this guy would not be my type. I don't even know where all of this is coming from. I think it started when he gave me a very important assignment instead of giving it to one of his direct reports, which I'm not. Today, I was just talking to him and did the arm touch without meaning to! It was like reflex. I touched his arm while talking. Now I'm freaking out a little.

 

I just walked by his office and he looked at me. This is awful. I just keep telling myself over and over that I have something much better at home...

 

Is this the perfect storm?

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can keep filling this thread about posts where you detail every little encounter you've had with your colleague. But it's not really going to help you address the situation. At the moment, you're just nurturing your infatuation, while at the same time placing it within the narrative of "these things just happened".

 

So, what do you think you should do about this? What would help you get out of this situation, which isn't helpful for your marriage or your work life?

 

Unfortunately as you get more involved you will instead start comparing your husband unfavourably with this guy. Please be careful.

 

That just happened...

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't know. In the year of 2014, I have had sex exactly 5 times. My husband got sick last January and has been struggling with energy levels even though everything else is normalized. I don't even know if what this guy has done qualifies as attention or flattery. He's getting better slowly but I'm younger, very sexual, and this change has been physically and emotionally crushing.

 

This is where you should be focusing your attention. When is the last time you and your husband had a heart-to-heart about how his illness has affected him, you, and your marriage? Have you told him how much you miss your sexual relationship as it was?

 

I know that's a difficult conversation, but it's necessary. Little things could make a huge difference, like reading erotica together and using toys (to heighten arousal and limit physical demands on him).

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...