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what is going on with my husband?


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Hello everyone, this is my first post here. My friend recommended this board. I am feeling like something is off with my husband, and I don't know if I am being crazy or if something is wrong.

 

We have been married for 10 years, I am 40, he is 42, we have three kids. We have a good marriage, we are a good team, we care about each other. We haven't been as intimate since the kids were born as we were in the beginning--but we are a dual-career couple, all the usual things, mortgage, after-school activities for kids, he has a long commute (1+ hour drive, longer if traffic is bad) commute for work, we are both tired, and we haven't been having sex that much for the last few years. Although we had some conflict in the early years of marriage, we don't really fight anymore--a lot of our fights were about money and everyday stress, and now we are more settled financially, and we moved to the suburbs when our second child was born, which made life easier.

 

If you asked me a few months ago, I would have said we have a pleasant marriage--all of my girlfriends are in similar marriages, and sure, we complain sometimes about the lack of romance, but overall things are good. But something has been off with my husband lately--he seems withdrawn, snaps at me and even a couple of times snapped at the kids and blamed stress at work. I would think it's a normal rough patch--everyone has ups and downs right? But this week he told me that he wants to start counseling--for himself. I have tried to talk to him about why he wants to do that, but he is not really forthcoming, just says that he needs to sort through some things, and cutting me out of the loop. I want to be supportive, but it alarms me that he made it clear that this is his private thing. Should I offer to go with him? Can I ask him to share with me what he talks about in therapy? Is this a healthy thing for him to do, and if it is, why does my gut say that something is wrong? He is a stereotypical "manly man" kind of guy so this seems like very out of character for him.

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Have you checked his phone (and bill) and email to see if he's been communicating with someone more than he used to?

 

The gut never lies - something has changed on his side - and you have EVERY right to know exactly what that is!

 

And if you can't communicate with him (and expect to get honest answers) by asking what the heck has changed to make things this way then you have bigger issues than you're admitting to yourself.

 

Start digging! He has changed and you deserve to understand what caused that change!

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I guess even stereotypical "manly men" have differences, but wanting to deal with it in private seems very "in character" to me when it comes to men that have a very refined idea of what a "real man" is and must do. This is where one of the disadvantages of such men come in to play, because if you approach him in the wrong way, it has the risk of making him snap even more.

 

If he is being completely evasive of the issue he is dealing with, then it's natural to feel very out of the loop which spawns even more doubt in your mind. You should be able to communicate with him and after 10 years of marriage you more than likely have a good idea how to approach him when his temper is on the rise.

 

There are many things you can do, like sincerely believe him that he can solve this issue alone, it's entirely possible he can, but yeah I'd have my concerns too, just because you don't want any potential drama to suddenly unfold when you have a calm marriage for the most parts.

 

Alternatively you can grab the bull by it's horns and look it in the eyes and take whatever comes, be it a burst of upset word exchanges or slamming with doors and more dodging of the question at hand. This can seem almost comical but a third option could be seeking counseling yourself on what the best choice of action would be.

 

Either way if things are going to change or not, I most certainly very much would like to know. I'm sure others will have some valuable input as well, best of luck either way.

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I am willing to bet $1,000 that he is having an emotional affair - at least - and is now conflicted about it.

 

You could go into deep-dive investigation mode (key logger on his computer, look at phone logs for extra texting, a voice-activated recorder in his car, etc.)

 

The fact that he won't talk to you is a huge red flag. Also, become aware of concepts like "trickle truth" and "gas lighting."

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We have a good marriage, we are a good team, we care about each other. We haven't been as intimate since the kids were born as we were in the beginning--but we are a dual-career couple, all the usual things, mortgage, after-school activities for kids, he has a long commute (1+ hour drive, longer if traffic is bad) commute for work, we are both tired, and we haven't been having sex that much for the last few years. Although we had some conflict in the early years of marriage, we don't really fight anymore--a lot of our fights were about money and everyday stress, and now we are more settled financially, and we moved to the suburbs when our second child was born, which made life easier.

 

If you asked me a few months ago, I would have said we have a pleasant marriage--all of my girlfriends are in similar marriages, and sure, we complain sometimes about the lack of romance, but overall things are good.

 

But something has been off with my husband lately--he seems withdrawn, snaps at me and even a couple of times snapped at the kids and blamed stress at work. I would think it's a normal rough patch--everyone has ups and downs right? But this week he told me that he wants to start counseling--for himself. I have tried to talk to him about why he wants to do that, but he is not really forthcoming, just says that he needs to sort through some things, and cutting me out of the loop. I want to be supportive, but it alarms me that he made it clear that this is his private thing. Should I offer to go with him? Can I ask him to share with me what he talks about in therapy? Is this a healthy thing for him to do, and if it is, why does my gut say that something is wrong? He is a stereotypical "manly man" kind of guy so this seems like very out of character for him.

 

In bold - boiled it down.

 

Exactly how low in quality and quantity has the sex gotten over the last few years??? Did you both give up on it - did he ever ask you for more? or complain?

 

You think your marriage is fine , but over the years did he? Your married GF's may not be the best source for what is a happy marriage, as their own husbands may not agree with their wives (your GF's)

 

Are You Sleeping With Your Husband, or Is Someone Else?*|*Lane Kennedy

 

 

I think the others are right - you need to spy - put software on computer, check his phone on the sly, and more - even a PI if needed..

 

If he is going by himself to therapy - its a good thing that he seeks help - but I think he is trying to make a choice and its not dependent on you, or he thinks there is nothing you can do in the issue facing him. It is simply very unusual for a husband to seek therapy alone.

Edited by dichotomy
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Thanks for all your replies.

 

I have not checked his phone and computer. I actually think his phone is locked--he works in corporate finance and thus with confidential data and documents. I don't know the code to his phone, and I would not know how to get it. If I ask, that will escalate this situation right away, wouldn't it? All I have to go on right now is my feeling that something is off and the fact that he is doing something that is generally considered being a mature and healthy thing to do, that is seeking counselling. Which he vaguely said is about "career stress" but would not give details.

 

CarrieT--what do you mean when you say you think he is having an emotional affair and is conflicted about it? You think that he is cheating on me and wants to seek counseling to deal with the guilt?

 

Dichotomy--we have been having sex about once a month or so, sometimes a little more often, sometimes a little less. Less in the last few months. There is not a clear pattern I can see in the sense of one of us wanting it more or less. Sometimes he seemed to be interested more often than me, other times me more than he. If he was seriously thinking about cheating, or cheating, but conflicted about it, would not it make more sense for us to see a counselor together? Why would he think that I cannot do anything in the issue facing him--unless he asks?

 

I feel torn and unsure. I don't want to create drama and punish him with suspicion for doing something that is supposedly a good thing. I mean, he says he is going to see a counselor, not an escort. Can I straight up ask him to tell me what he talks about with the counselor? Or is that something that people are entitled to privacy about even in a marriage? I don't have much experience with it. I have been to pastoral counseling myself many years ago, when I was more active in a church community, but nothing beyond that. Would a good therapist support him in being a good husband and father?

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Is the phone in your name/his name or his companies name?

 

Can you view the bill online?

 

You seem so passive - almost afraid to even communicate with him.

 

But for now and with these suspicions I don't suggest just asking him about it - first you need to see if there is a cause for that gut feeling.

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CarrieT--what do you mean when you say you think he is having an emotional affair and is conflicted about it? You think that he is cheating on me and wants to seek counseling to deal with the guilt?

Yep - but possibly more than that.

 

Others have spelled it out: He isn't getting sex from you and may be getting it elsewhere - or thinking about getting it elsewhere - and, through counseling, may be working through how to end the marriage.

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His phone is a company phone. I cannot see the bill.

 

I can see how I seem passive in what I posted, but I am not, in general--just unsure how to proceed. I asked him straight up about counseling--why he was going--because it just was so out of character, and he clammed up. But going from zero to a hundred and saying to him "I suspect there is someone else" because of seeking help with mental health come off as crazy and paranoid?

 

About sex, I don't deny him sex--yes, sometimes our desires are not in sync on a given night, but in the last few months for the most part he has been the one who has not been interested in sex, blaming work stress. We have had tension before in our marriage about him thinking I don't understand how high-stress his job is. I work as a college admissions counselor, and it's true that my job is not really a pressure-cooker as it is for him.

 

It scares me that he will be pouring his soul out to a professional and I will have no idea what he will be saying in there.

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I think you should try to have an honest conversation with him about how things are going. No one just goes into IC for no reason at least without explaining in detail. Try to work up the delicate communication channels without being threatening. Try to be loving to him. He sounds lonely.

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I dont see why you should be so scared about him pouring his soul out to a licensed therapist. I have found that unless a marriage is horrible - most therapist advise trying to work it out.

 

You don't deny him sex, but once a month is very..low. You also dont mention if the sex you have is still good and involves passion and play. Once month is almost considered a sexless marriage by some experts. I can personally share that when it gets to this level - disconnects and even resentment build up - it has for me.

 

No you can't ask him what saying to the therapist. Its proper for that to stay private. You can state that you "wish to help him and be there for him, and are willing to do what ever you can" "I am here for you and willing to help" is all you can say.

 

And then spy. Ok - forget the cell since it is password protected (although he might set it down while still open) Does he use a home computer ? Put software on it to track all use. Also you could hire a PI. ... But if he is really seeing a therapist I imagine this will get resolved one way or another in a few months.

Edited by dichotomy
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You sound too good for him. Red flags are all over your post. Don't be blind to them. The biggest is you lack intimacy in marriage and sex is only once a month.

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Thegameoflife

Realistically, your only good route is to say, "I'm here if you need to talk about anything." Let him go to counseling and figure things out, and let him share with you when he's ready.

 

I'd like to share my perspective of things here. You've come here to look for advice on your own from strangers, many who are advising based on jaded experiences, and zero training. You're doing this because you maybe have control and trust issues. You yourself are soliciting advice from a third party, the very thing causing your own concerns. Worse yet, you're doing it behind his back. I'm not a therapist, but you're painting a picture of poor communication in your relationship on both sides. There's a good chance that your husband is actually consulting a professional about this problem, and looking for better ways to overcome it. In all likelihood, the lack of arguments could be that he gave up and is holding things back, but he is realizing he needs a better strategy.

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I don't understand how people have relationships when they don't talk about issues they have.

 

Why can't you ask him to explain to you how he feels about the marriage? That you're unhappy with the way it is?

 

And that you expect to understand what issues he's seeing the counselor for?

 

 

Tell him what you need FROM HIM. Tell him you expect - as HIS wife - to be included in his life, his thoughts and his goals for himself and for this marriage!

 

IF he unable to include you then you don't really have a marriage.

I'd start there and see what he gives you to work with.

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Dichotomy--we have been having sex about once a month or so, sometimes a little more often, sometimes a little less. Less in the last few months. There is not a clear pattern I can see in the sense of one of us wanting it more or less. Sometimes he seemed to be interested more often than me, other times me more than he. If he was seriously thinking about cheating, or cheating, but conflicted about it, would not it make more sense for us to see a counselor together? Why would he think that I cannot do anything in the issue facing him--unless he asks?

Why are you waiting for him to bring up "the problem" when you already know the problem exists? You've both prioritized a number of things ahead of each other and, not surprisingly, a distance exists between you. Figure out a way to close that gap or grow further apart over time. I'd guess that's what he's talking to his therapist about...

 

Mr. Lucky

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but in the last few months for the most part he has been the one who has not been interested in sex, blaming work stress.

Many people who have affairs tend to pull away being intimate with their spouse as a first step towards ending a relationship.

 

It is part of the guilt complex and/or that Affair Sex (read up on Affair Fog) is more exciting and "new" than what is available at home.

 

The fact that he has not been interested is a Red Flag.

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dreamingoftigers
Many people who have affairs tend to pull away being intimate with their spouse as a first step towards ending a relationship.

 

It is part of the guilt complex and/or that Affair Sex (read up on Affair Fog) is more exciting and "new" than what is available at home.

 

The fact that he has not been interested is a Red Flag.

 

I'm sorry but men rarely turn down sex because of "stress"

 

Add that one to the long list of excuses I heard when I was being cheated on.

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What you are writing here is not new. Got married, had children, sex almost non-existent. Then shock, horror man goes looking elsewhere for it.

 

Do a few google searches on how to spot men having affairs or why men have affairs in otherwise happy marriages.

 

Even on such a small amount of information I'd put money on the fact that your husband is having an affair.

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I agree with the others (and your gut) there is something arry here. "Manly men" do not go to counselors unless something is very wrong. He's not going to a counselor to get insights on what would be a good Christmas present to get you.

 

My hunch is either something is terribly wrong at work that he is needing some advice getting through, or he is very dissatisfied at home and is considering exit strategies. My guess is it is a combination of both.

 

The possibility of some level of affair that the others have mentioned is a very real as well.

 

If he is having an actual ongoing affair, the councilor will typically advise and possibly even mediate disclosure of the affair at some point. If it was a one-time thing that is over and done, the counselor may reccomend no disclosure and work towards addressing the issues that lead to it.

 

My recommendation is to start circling your wagons and be prepared for anything. Get an accounting of your assets, make sure that all your documents are accounted for and secured. Start looking into family law attorneys in your area and perhaps a financial advisor as well and start learning how to protect your assets now in case divorce or something similarly threatening is on the horizon.

 

I would also recommend starting to shore up your heart for some revelations of some troubling news. He isn't going to a counselor for advice on how to manage all of his happiness because of all of the good things that have been going on in his life.

 

My gut is telling me that he is considering leaving his job or his marriage or possibly both and is seeking professional assistance in peeling through the layers on how to deal with that. You need to be prepared for any eventuality.

 

The silver lining here is that he is seeking professional guidance for whatever this conflict(s) is and he isn't just going off half-cocked and acting rashly.

 

The may be some troubling news coming down the pipeline but it is at least going to be professionally managed when it comes to a head.

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And yes, work stress does not preclude an interest and desire in sexuality.

 

The only things that will cause a man to have no interest and to decline an available partner are -

 

- medical/hormonal/psychiatric disorder, ie low testosterone, depression, chronic ED, libido affecting medication etc

 

- loss of attraction for partner, ie weight gain or lack of basic hygiene etc in partner. ( as in like 50+ lb weight gain, not 5-10 lb weight gain!)

 

- severe relationship issues such as chronic neglect, abandonment, emotional/physical abuse, chemical abuse, very hurtful fights etc.

 

- outside sexual activity ie emotional/physical infidelity, porn/masturbation.

 

It's one or a combination of those things. His boss being a jerk isn't one of them.

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I think it is a healthy choice for him to seek professional counseling on whatever it is that is troubling him. Could he be conflicted about starting or being involved in an EA or PA, sure; no one can say for sure. They likelyhood of it being work related is practically 'nil. The fact that he is not willing to openly discuss the issue with you suggests to me that the issue is with you, and he doesn't feel comfortable talking about it just yet.

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Standard-Fare

I don't know why everyone is jumping the gun here and suggesting he's having an affair. Seems like a bold assumption to leap to based on the ambiguous facts given here. All the OP knows is that something seems off with her husband and that he wants therapy.

 

OP, I can't see imagine there'd be any positive result to putting up obstacles for your husband to seek that therapy. He obviously feel that he needs it and hopefully the end result will be better communication with you about his problems, whatever they are. Maybe you could suggest that you'd like to join in these sessions after he does a few initial ones on his own.

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I don't know why everyone is jumping the gun here and suggesting he's having an affair. Seems like a bold assumption to leap to based on the ambiguous facts given here. All the OP knows is that something seems off with her husband and that he wants therapy.

 

.

 

There's no evidence of infidelity yet but the OP has not looked for any yet either.

 

 

Unless he is some kind of Woody Allen type walking bag of anxiety and discontent on a normal day, this is a big change from his typical demeanor.

 

There are only a few things that will drive a normal man to a counselors office.

 

One is a judges order. The other is an employer order. And the other all have to do with a either a significant relationship problem causing him distress or a strong sense of depression or acute anxiety over needing to make a major life-changing decision.

 

So unless he is hearing voices or having some kind of psychotic event that he is aware of, something is wrong and he is pondering a major decision in either his job or his home life because nothing else will send a man without previous mental history to a counselor.

 

That doesn't automatically spell out an affair and he should not be accused of that without evidence yet, but some form of affair cannot be ruled out yet either.

 

When you hear hoof beats coming down the street towards you, it might be zebras but horses is the more likely assumption.

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Whether or not your husband is having an affair or just needs to get his head straight, he is deliberately excluding you and that is a red flag.

 

Manly men tend not to go visit counsellors, they tend to visit Jim Beam, so you cannot blame the fact he is manly on why he is not talking to you about it.

If it is just work stress, why the secrecy?

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I'm sorry but men rarely turn down sex because of "stress"

 

Add that one to the long list of excuses I heard when I was being cheated on.

 

Yup. Quite the opposite actually.. sex brings down stress levels.

 

OP your husband is having an affair and is probably seeing the therapist to build an exit strategy. Time for detective work.

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