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My wife is not honest with me and doesn't give ma a head


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mrbrightside1985

Hi,

 

I didn't know where to look for help so I decided to join this forum and write my very first thread. English is not my native language so please forgive me any mistakes that I make. I'll try to do my best and make as little mistakes as possible.

 

Ok, so let me tell you my story. I am freshly married (about a year ago), however I am not convinced that this is how marriage should look like.

 

My wife is not honest with me. We have a dog, which is inherited after my wife's previous relationship. From time to time my wife's ex wants to visit the dog (he is the "dogfather"). I told my wife many times that I don't want that, and a week ago she told me that her ex wants to see the dog. I told her that I don't like that idea, and then she told me that the next time she won't be honest with me and won't tell me about it. I told her that this is very bad bahavior and I won't accept that. I don't like idea that she considers being not honest with me. Should I suspect that she is cheating on me? Maybe not with her ex, but with someone else if she may be not honest with me?

Do I expect to much or is my behavior ok?

 

The second problem is that my wife doesn't give me a head/bj. It happens very rare if not at all. Before we married it was also very rare however not so rare - once or twice a month - now the last time I had a bj was almost a year ago. I talked to her about that but she always makes fun of it. It hurts me.

 

This relation for me also feels from some time more like mother-son not man-woman and I think that I may be afraid of here.

 

There are also some other problems, but first I would like to know what do you think about this.

 

What should I do?

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This relation for me also feels from some time more like mother-son not man-woman and I think that I may be afraid of here.

 

 

This is the root of all of your problems. She sees you as a scared little boy and has no respect for you. She has no respect for you so she allows he ex into your home to play with your dog (are you sure he isn't playing with her too???)

 

And since she doesn't respect you as a man and as the head of your household, she has little to no attraction/desire for you so no BJs. (Mothers do not give BJS to their sons).

 

You need to become more assertive and more proactive and show more leadership in your home and marriage.

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put the dog on a leash, and lead it somewhere where you can give it away to another family. problem solved. tell her if this ex ever steps foot in your house, or she contacts him without you standing there, you will divorce her. end of story.

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put the dog on a leash, and lead it somewhere where you can give it away to another family. problem solved. tell her if this ex ever steps foot in your house, or she contacts him without you standing there, you will divorce her. end of story.

 

On the surface, this seems like a good solution but please don't do it. It's very hurtful to animals when they are taken from the people they love.

 

As far as your wife is concerned, if this is the way she's acting, then realize that this is who she is, and the way things will always be. If you don't see a future with her, then leave. That's why divorce was invented.

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She has an ex they had a dog together, you cannot ban him from seeing his dog, in the same way you cannot ban a person from seeing their kids.

It is ridiculous and childish that you would ban him from seeing the dog and the fact you are laying down the law over this and not showing your wife she is an individual and can make her own decisions, means your wife will resent you.

You are basically saying to your wife that you do not trust her with her ex and the dog, and she is retaliating by saying she will arrange visits anyway behind your back.

This is a problem of your own making.

 

As for the BJs it doesn't sound like she is interested, nor does it sound like she was ever interested. You cannot force her to perform those acts, but you can sit her down seriously and talk to her about it and what it means to you.

NO throw away remarks or whiny, petulant comments, no judgements, just adult grown up individual to individual stuff.

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, and she is retaliating by saying she will arrange visits anyway behind your back.

.

 

she knows he hates the ex coming over, but keep pushing his nose in that pile of doo! How is this a problem of his own making? She is being cruel and manipulative, and basically cheating (at least an EA) with her ex. He is wondering if it is in fact a PA...they odd way she is acting. If she does not want to stop the EA, what is left but divorce.

 

 

If he actually gives a care about the dog, then give it back to the ex...just call him and say "he is tied up outside, come and get him".

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Should I suspect that she is cheating on me? Maybe not with her ex, but with someone else if she may be not honest with me?

 

Quite frankly, she is being honest with you. She's telling you he is coming over to see the dog. She's not hiding it from you. She's not sneaking around trying to see her ex. She's saying hey, he's coming to see the dog.

 

You are trying to control her. You do not trust your wife, sir. No one is deceiving you one bit. You just don't like the truth.

 

Instead of laying down the law and being the man in the house (puke in my mouth), why don't you ask her if she can make arrangements for him to pick up the dog and share it? Or you can drop the dog off to him? Or some other workable solution where he can see his dog and your wife can continue to be honest with you.

 

No wonder she said she'd lie and no wonder you are not getting the BJ you seek.

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1. Just because you don't like your wife walking the dog with her ex, doesn't mean you don't trust her.

 

2. If they had kids, they would not be hanging out together with the kids either. If he wanted to take the dog out for a walk by himself, that would be different than coming home to visit it.

 

3. Pets are not kids.

 

That being said - I assume your wife is not actually cheating and she is just trying to "not be mean" by letting the ex see his pup. It's hard to understand as a man because it's such a female trait, I think we in general just don't have that kind of empathy (look at the responses of females vs males above!). So don't make it a big power struggle or assume she is disrespecting you, because she will perceive that as you being mean, cruel and controlling. Instead explain what bothers you exactly - is it the ex and her spending time together, him spending time in your home, etc. And make sure she knows that it's not because you don't trust her. Then work an acceptable solution from that. You need to be firm but also not unreasonable. Maybe YOU bring the dog to the ex for the week-end.

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Should I suspect that she is cheating on me? Maybe not with her ex, but with someone else if she may be not honest with me?

 

This suggests he doesn't trust his wife. How is letting her ex see the dog, while he is present, related to possibly cheating with her ex or someone else?

 

His title should read:

 

My wife shares a dog with her ex. I'm a jealous man and don't trust her and she won't give me head.

Edited by Rainbowlove
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2. If they had kids, they would not be hanging out together with the kids either.

 

Really? I know plenty of divorced folks who actually do spend time together with the kids.

 

Also, he knew she had a dog with her ex when he married her.

 

What's the bigger issue here? He can't control his wife or communicate with her or he can't get head?

 

I think he's insecure.

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Really? I know plenty of divorced folks who actually do spend time together with the kids.

 

Also, he knew she had a dog with her ex when he married her.

 

What's the bigger issue here? He can't control his wife or communicate with her or he can't get head?

 

I think he's insecure.

 

I don't know any divorced folks who still hang together as a family after being in new relationships. They might run into each other at a kid's event but having a play date at home while the new partner is out? Never heard of that. Nothing to do with control, it's a territory issue.

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Nothing to do with control, it's a territory issue.

 

Territory issue?? That's a new one. What are we dogs? Why doesn't he just go pee on her and problem solved then.

 

It's control, it's jealousy, it's insecurity, it's lack of communication, it's domineering behavior, it's lack of trust and fear.

 

He is terrified his wife wants her ex back or is going to sleep with him or someone else...

 

His wife is a big girl with her own mind. He needs to find another solution to deal with his "territory issue" before she tosses him out and finds someone who does trust her and doesn't want to claim his "territory".

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With all of that said, I do think he's allowed to appropriate say he is uncomfortable with the arrangement the way it is and work together to find an alternative solution that works for everyone.

 

Think about what would work for you and suggest it.

 

The part that is alarming here is that you are linking this situation to potential lying and cheating by your wife. She has done neither. Yet.

Edited by Rainbowlove
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If OP is uncomfortable with her talking to her xH or him coming around then the xH should not come around. The marriage takes priority over the dog. I almost laughed when I read that the xH has rights to the dog. Where is his visitation agreement? Is be paying doggy support? lol Its like some sort of a sick joke.

 

Sure some people have been able to keep good relationships with x's but once your SO tells you its hurting them then that takes priority.

 

You told you her you were not comfortable with him coming around. She basically said screw you. It sucks to hear but this is the state of your marriage. She clearly does not care enough about your feelings and the dog and her xH is more important. That is the only thing I would focus on.

 

If you can't get this resolved I agree with the other poster file for a divorce and let her live her life with her dog and her x. Let him pay her bills.

 

Clay

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mrbrightside1985

First of all I would like to thank for all the answers.

 

@Clay:

"

You told you her you were not comfortable with him coming around. She basically said screw you. [...] She clearly does not care enough about your feelings and the dog and her xH is more important."

This is exactly how I felt.

I already told her many times about how I feel, but then my wife tells that it's not true and that she loves me. Always when I start this topic she tells that it's not true, but she says one thing and the way how she behaves makes me that I don't belive in it. Of course this dog visits don't happen very often - it's only like once every two months or so, but maybe I'm not being informed about every dog visit? I don't know how to talk with here about that becouse she very fast becomes angry and doesn't want to talk (this happens not only when we talk about dogs, but always when she has different view on something than I).

 

@Rainbowlove:

I think that the biggest problem here is the communication.

I connect it to the cheating becouse from time to time she has some company meetings. I know that this is normal, however before the last one she was changing her clothes like 20 times.

 

Yes maybe I'm scared and insecure becouse I'm not a rock star when it comes to the women. I tried to change many times, however it never happened. Maybe then it's better for me to become single.

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Your insecurity and repeatedly accusing her of cheating is getting her down she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and she is getting annoyed and angry. You are telling her you do not trust her and where is a marriage if there is no trust?

 

I guess this is also a struggle for control and power in your marriage.

She is an individual and not your property, you have to remember that.

She is not some unthinking human being there to do your bidding, she has her own mind.

If you start dictating, sooner or later she will be gone.

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Your insecurity and repeatedly accusing her of cheating is getting her down she doesn't want to talk about it anymore and she is getting annoyed and angry. You are telling her you do not trust her and where is a marriage if there is no trust?

 

I guess this is also a struggle for control and power in your marriage.

She is an individual and not your property, you have to remember that.

She is not some unthinking human being there to do your bidding, she has her own mind.

If you start dictating, sooner or later she will be gone.

 

All of this!

 

And if you do not work on changing this controlling behavior now, it will follow you on to your next relationship.

 

This isn't just your wife's issue, but since you are so quick to throw in the towel and divorce her, it doesn't much matter now, does it?

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mrbrightside1985

I'm not so quick to throw in the towel, that's why I'm here. However it's funny, becouse I don't ses myself as the controlling one, but rather the opposite. I don't accuse her of cheating every day I did it maybe once or twice but it was long time ago and I trusted her then in a second, however she also acused me about that and I had to explain for the long time that it's not true. She acused me becouse of some ridiculous thing and I had to explain myself for a long time.

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I'm not so quick to throw in the towel, that's why I'm here. However it's funny, becouse I don't ses myself as the controlling one, but rather the opposite. I don't accuse her of cheating every day I did it maybe once or twice but it was long time ago and I trusted her then in a second, however she also acused me about that and I had to explain for the long time that it's not true. She acused me becouse of some ridiculous thing and I had to explain myself for a long time.

 

Suggest marriage counseling now.

 

You've been married for less than a year.

 

You have a lot to work on as a couple.

 

Good luck.

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Territory issue?? That's a new one. What are we dogs? Why doesn't he just go pee on her and problem solved then.

 

It's control, it's jealousy, it's insecurity, it's lack of communication, it's domineering behavior, it's lack of trust and fear.

 

He is terrified his wife wants her ex back or is going to sleep with him or someone else...

 

His wife is a big girl with her own mind. He needs to find another solution to deal with his "territory issue" before she tosses him out and finds someone who does trust her and doesn't want to claim his "territory".

 

Rain, you fail to understand what territory means to a man, just like men fail to understand why empathy is so important to a woman that she would rather be nice to her ex than avoid hurting her husband's feelings.

 

There is a middle ground to be found and it involves neither peeing nor groveling but rather a rich communication. That is very hard to establish when one of the partners (i.e. the wife in this case apparently) immediately gets defensive. OP if you find a good therapist they might help you both hash it out. Maybe you can go alone first to explore your own issues.

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Rain, you fail to understand what territory means to a man

 

I guess I do fail to understand that statement. You are entitled to that belief. It sounds and feels very 1950's to me...just sayin.

 

This ex man of hers comes around 5 or 6 times a year. You can't tell me there isn't some other way they can work this issue out without "the man" claiming territory as the issue.

 

For the OP, the issue is more than territory. He's admitted to being insecure, so let's cut to the chase and get to the real issue.

 

It's not the dog, it's the suspicion of cheating and not feeling good enough or "man" enough in their marriage.

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I guess I do fail to understand that statement.

 

Yes, I realize that. I am pretty sure his wife does also and is wondering why the heck it's a big deal for the ex to come visit his dog. The problem is instead of trying to understand she gets pissed off. Hence escalating this (relatively trivial) issue into a power struggle. But it's not going to do any good to OP to fold and just say "Yes dear". They need to establish a communication pathway.

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It sounds and feels very 1950's to me...just sayin.

 

Oh and you are so right. One of them is in the 50's, the other one is in the 60's burning her bra. Time to bring them both to the 21st century.

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I do not see this as controlling. I think all couples go through a little jealousy from time to time. Its clear she is just trying to convince you its ok so she can continue to allow him to come around. Women have some magical ability to think this is acceptable. After you have already informed it bothers you. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you came here arguing to allow your xW around the animal and your wife is uncomfortable with her being around. I am sure people would say OH SHES Controlling. She needs to get with the times. You would be railed for not working with her and listening to her feelings.

 

I think OP you need to tell her she controls what she does and you can only control what you do. You have already told her this bothers you if she chooses to keep ignoring it your going to have to reevaluate your marriage.

 

If you don't establish good healthy boundaries for yourself people will walk all over you. Your wife is include in this statement.

 

Sorry but honestly if you have been married less than a year and she is already ignoring your feeling your marriage does not look to be in good shape.

 

Clay

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