Permission for husband to pursue love affair.

[ansur]

Original thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/409420-husband-s-greatest-dream-life-relationships-other-women

 

A year and a half ago, my husband announced he had fallen in love with our friend K, but would not act on those feelings. We maintained a distant friendship with K (she had no idea), and my husband kept intermittently asking if there was any way I could ever be OK with him having a relationship with her.

She is leaving the country in a few months, and his window of opportunity is closing. I really do think if he doesn't go for it, it will be his greatest regret in life. Eventually, I said yes. Why should we both be unsatisfied in our relationship, eh?

 

He has not yet made his confession. (She is out of town.) I do have a little time to change my mind. It feels like a huge mistake. Like, a singular instance in my life that I will look back on later and say, "This is when it all went wrong."

 

Nominally, we are entering into some sort of open/poly marriage, with husband having a finite duration relationship with K. (Uh. If she is interested.) And I mean, we've talked a lot about what the extramarital relationship would look like, boundaries, rules, etc. etc. We do have good communication, and a very functional marriage. He is a responsible guy, and a great dad.

 

But... this thing just has DOOM written all over it. He is really excited to be given permission to pursue his dream, and I do not think he is really taking my concerns seriously, though we have discussed them.

 

He has had a year and a half to listen to my concerns and try to refocus back on our relationship, to no avail. She is still forefront on his mind. Sometimes I feel like my heart is shrunken to the point that I might not even care what happens. Sometimes I am very afraid. And sometimes I am a little excited, just to see what happens. (All those polyamory sites make it sound like this could totally work, and everyone will be happier.)

 

I feel like I must have no self respect to entertain this request. I've never been in any relationship except this one. It .. really seems like there should be more to it. I can't stand love stories any more.

 

Maybe this way we both have a better shot at finding happiness, even if only on the periphery of our relationship. I just wish this had come up before we had had children. But, done is done. I think we are unlikely to separate. We are, at the least, very good friends. At this point it may be all we are. He still claims to really love me and be satisfied with our relationship, but I can't see how that is possible. I am not sure I love him any more. (And this is why I don't want to hold him back. If he can find happiness elsewhere, hey. Maybe there is hope for me too. We don't necessarily have to shred our family in the process.)

 

I am not sure why I am posting this. I guess I really just want someone else to know.

[labayer]

He's your best friend and you have kids together, but you don't think you love him anymore. You don't seem to be jealous imagining him with another woman. He wants to be with another woman and is even in love with her.

 

I think this marriage is pretty much over, sorry to say that. If you were really in love with him you wouldn't have given him the permission to pursue a relationship with someone else in the first place (unless you always were into poly relationships and also wanted to pursue someone else). You are right, you love him, but it seems to be more the love of a friend. You want him to be happy. And if he really loved you he wouldn't love another woman and wanted to pursue a relationship with her, even though you do have concerns.

 

Do you really think he would go to that woman, start a relationship with her (if she wants to ofc) and later come back to you, happy and satisfied? If he is really in love with her he might just leave you for her in the end. OR he comes back to you and wants to start another relationship with another woman because you're not enough for him anymore.

 

I would really ask myself- Do you really want to stay married to this men? Why are you still married? If you get divorced on good terms you can still be friends and the kids will always be your connection. You could find love with another man and he with another woman. Both of you could be happy. If you let your man have a relationship with another woman while you're still married it could definitely go very wrong.

[Molly Hooper]

A year and a half ago, my husband announced he had fallen in love with our friend K, but would not act on those feelings. We maintained a distant friendship with K (she had no idea), and my husband kept intermittently asking if there was any way I could ever be OK with him having a relationship with her.

She is leaving the country in a few months, and his window of opportunity is closing. I really do think if he doesn't go for it, it will be his greatest regret in life. Eventually, I said yes. Why should we both be unsatisfied in our relationship, eh?

 

He has not yet made his confession. (She is out of town.) I do have a little time to change my mind. It feels like a huge mistake. Like, a singular instance in my life that I will look back on later and say, "This is when it all went wrong."

 

Nominally, we are entering into some sort of open/poly marriage, with husband having a finite duration relationship with K. (Uh. If she is interested.) And I mean, we've talked a lot about what the extramarital relationship would look like, boundaries, rules, etc. etc. We do have good communication, and a very functional marriage. He is a responsible guy, and a great dad.

 

But... this thing just has DOOM written all over it. He is really excited to be given permission to pursue his dream, and I do not think he is really taking my concerns seriously, though we have discussed them.

 

He has had a year and a half to listen to my concerns and try to refocus back on our relationship, to no avail. She is still forefront on his mind. Sometimes I feel like my heart is shrunken to the point that I might not even care what happens. Sometimes I am very afraid. And sometimes I am a little excited, just to see what happens. (All those polyamory sites make it sound like this could totally work, and everyone will be happier.)

 

I feel like I must have no self respect to entertain this request. I've never been in any relationship except this one. It .. really seems like there should be more to it. I can't stand love stories any more.

 

Maybe this way we both have a better shot at finding happiness, even if only on the periphery of our relationship. I just wish this had come up before we had had children. But, done is done. I think we are unlikely to separate. We are, at the least, very good friends. At this point it may be all we are. He still claims to really love me and be satisfied with our relationship, but I can't see how that is possible. I am not sure I love him any more. (And this is why I don't want to hold him back. If he can find happiness elsewhere, hey. Maybe there is hope for me too. We don't necessarily have to shred our family in the process.)

 

I only have my own experience to speak to - so not all of it may apply or be helpful, but hopefully some of it is.

 

I bolded some of the many things that stood out to me. The fact that your husband asked you if there would ever be an instance in which it would be okay to have a relationship with another woman obviously speaks volumes.

 

I keep hearing you mention open and polyamorous relationships, but I didn't see anything about YOU seeking any companionship outside your marriage - do you entertain that idea as well, or are you just imagining the circumstances in which he finds other partners?

 

What about it excites you? What about it scares you?

 

I can't stand love stories any more.

 

This comment plus you mentioning that the idea both scares and excites you hits a little close to home for me.

 

At the end of my marriage, I was so withdrawn from the relationship that I considered the idea of an open marriage. Not seriously - there was no actual discussion. But I entertained the idea in my head and even recall telling someone that I could see myself definitely having threesomes and in an open marriage in the future.

 

Really - I think it was my brain trying to find SOME way to inject passion into my marriage. I was so numb. Even seeing people kiss passionately on TV made me feel hollow inside.

 

After I left, I found a partner whom I felt more passion with than I ever have. While it's still a new relationship (under a year) - I just could never see myself being okay with him having a relationship with another woman. I understand relationships evolve, but even thinking about him talking to, looking at, touching a woman the way he does with me makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

I am only saying that because it sounds like you are experiencing something similar. It sounds like you and your husband no longer have passion for one another. It does sound like you respect and love him, but that the physical passion is gone. Or temporarily gone.

 

Are you hoping that this relationship with your friend will "get it out of his system?" Or are you thinking it may reignite something? Are you allowing him to have a separate relationship with him, or are you thinking this could lead to all of you in some kind of physical situation?

 

If you allow this to happen - I definitely do not believe it will be the end of it. I think another girl will come along at some point. So if this is making you uneasy. Stop now. It's not too late to tell him that you changed your mind - and IT'S OKAY to change your mind.

Edited December 3, 2014 by Molly Hooper

[stillafool]

Ansur, since you are determined to stay no matter what, is he okay with you having a boyfriend on the side? I mean, if your marriage is open it's open, right?

[ansur]

Yes, he is theoretically OK with me also having a boyfriend on the side. Though he can't actually imagine me acting on this.

(And presuming our relationship survives -- I won't, not right away. I have a baby and a toddler..I can't imagine having the time and emotional resources available to develop a new relationship.)

 

I'm not really interested in the poly/open marriage concept for myself personally. The idea of romantic love seems like a joke at this point. I think, like Molly, I have really just emotionally withdrawn to the point that I am numb.

 

I am still married to him because I like him. We have been together for 12 years and know each other so well we are almost a part of one another. We have a nice life together, and a nice family. My children love him. He comes home from work and is interested to hear how my day went. I felt secure, safe, and overall pretty happy with our life together, until he made it clear that another woman was the most important thing to him in his life. I do not feel loved, and in turn, have a hard time feeling love for him. But I do not want to hurt him, or drive him away, so I haven't told him "I don't love you." Again, I am not even sure that I do not love him, or if I am just hurt. But if I do not feel for him as I should, it isn't really fair to prevent him from finding someone who might really love him (and someone he might really love) just in order to protect my safe, if hollow, marriage.

 

I really imagine 3 outcomes to this --

 

1) K is not interested. The issue rests, and we continue our rather platonic marriage. I imagine at some point in the future another love interest would arise.

 

2) K is interested, and my husband ends up leaving me for her. This would make me sad and frightened for my own future. It's not like I wanted our relationship to end.. I really was hoping we could rekindle it. That once we had a little more time to ourselves after the children were older, we would fall back in love.

 

3) K is interested, my husband has an affair, and we end up having a stronger and deeper relationship. (This is possible if he really has more of a "poly" orientation, and actually does really love me despite having trouble with a monogamous relationship.)

[BetrayedH]

I've only seen poly relationships work (for the longer term) when both people are into it, there's a huge foundation of trust, there's agreed-upon boundaries that both people embrace, and the primary relationship is always the priority.

 

I'm not sure you have any of those, let alone all of them.

[elaine567]

Yes, he is theoretically OK with me also having a boyfriend on the side. Though he can't actually imagine me acting on this.

(And presuming our relationship survives -- I won't, not right away. I have a baby and a toddler..I can't imagine having the time and emotional resources available to develop a new relationship.)

 

I guess he is banking you NOT finding a boyfriend. Start checking out OLD sites and see what his reaction is then...

[elaine567]

I really imagine 3 outcomes to this --

 

1) K is not interested. The issue rests, and we continue our rather platonic marriage. I imagine at some point in the future another love interest would arise.

 

2) K is interested, and my husband ends up leaving me for her. This would make me sad and frightened for my own future. It's not like I wanted our relationship to end.. I really was hoping we could rekindle it. That once we had a little more time to ourselves after the children were older, we would fall back in love.

 

3) K is interested, my husband has an affair, and we end up having a stronger and deeper relationship. (This is possible if he really has more of a "poly" orientation, and actually does really love me despite having trouble with a monogamous relationship.)

 

In scenario three, you are not taking into consideration the possibility that he only returns to you for his children.

[stillafool]

You say you "like" him and he doesn't love you. Hey, if you two are okay with this situation I'm for once not going to judge. However, if you do start dating other men you may find true love and decide that you don't have to stay with a man who is in love with another woman. That you have a chance for happiness as well. Other than that you will just have to stay there and hope K doesn't want anything to do with him. If she does, he's hers and even if she doesn't he will still be in love with her.

[elaine567]

...you will just have to stay there and hope K doesn't want anything to do with him. If she does, he's hers and even if she doesn't he will still be in love with her.

 

Exactly. Whether he plays games with K or not, he will still be in love with her, it doesn't just end...

 

You have to seriously consider making steps to leave this man. This is a horrible situation to be in and it is not of your doing.

You did not sign up for an open marriage and you are still very young, young enough to find someone who will care for you and your children. He is in love with another women, for god's sake and is asking you to accept that, disrespect or what???

Living through this, wondering what HE is going to do for potentially years will be highly stressful for you as you will feel helpless and you will have no control of the situation. He gets to dictate the terms of your marriage, he decides whether he goes to the other woman or not, you will have no say in it as you gave him permission. He will be quick to throw that in your face if you complain.

It will make you ill. That will not be good for your children either.

Take the initiative here and dump him before he has the chance to dump you is my advice.

[Molly Hooper]

And #4 - K is interested, he pursues a relationship with her. Returns to you when she leaves. And then pursues the next girl he has a slight connection with because you gave him permission last time.

[Turtles]

Yes, he is theoretically OK with me also having a boyfriend on the side. Though he can't actually imagine me acting on this.

(And presuming our relationship survives -- I won't, not right away. I have a baby and a toddler..I can't imagine having the time and emotional resources available to develop a new relationship.)

 

Wondering how HE has the time. I have a toddler at home and it's hard enough to scrape a little bit of time and energy to spend quality time as a couple. Let alone pursuing someone else. Does he babysit for you while you go do some fun stuff? If he doesn't I might dump the diaper pail's content on his lap the next time he sighs after K.

[spanz1]

I think for your own sanity, if you are going to let him have a GF, you will need to pursue a BF of your own (sex is optional). I am by no means an expert, but I hear that the problem in these open marriage/hotwife/cuckolding arrangements is when one of the partners gets jealous. So if he is off doing some women, and you are home watching the discovery channel..it is going to wear on your brain.

 

 

Another aspect of these relationships seems to be the sexual gratification that one partner gets when the spouse tells in detail the sexual acts they just performed. If it is all one sided, him explaining his love life to you and you not having anything to counter it with, I can see that leading to a quick divorce.

 

 

You have heard the statistics, right?: something like half of the marriages that go open end within five years. So consider that. Is your marriage stable enough to weather the upcoming typhoon?

 

 

and you might research the proper boundary rules for such a relationship. One rule I hear of is that the partner can only have sex with a new person a limited number of times, something like 4 times. That way, they can not develop deep "feelings" for the FB. And NEVER in the marriage bed.

Edited December 4, 2014 by spanz1

[Mal78]

Original thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/409420-husband-s-greatest-dream-life-relationships-other-women

 

A year and a half ago, my husband announced he had fallen in love with our friend K, but would not act on those feelings. We maintained a distant friendship with K (she had no idea), and my husband kept intermittently asking if there was any way I could ever be OK with him having a relationship with her.

She is leaving the country in a few months, and his window of opportunity is closing. I really do think if he doesn't go for it, it will be his greatest regret in life. Eventually, I said yes. Why should we both be unsatisfied in our relationship, eh?

 

He has not yet made his confession. (She is out of town.) I do have a little time to change my mind. It feels like a huge mistake. Like, a singular instance in my life that I will look back on later and say, "This is when it all went wrong."

 

Nominally, we are entering into some sort of open/poly marriage, with husband having a finite duration relationship with K. (Uh. If she is interested.) And I mean, we've talked a lot about what the extramarital relationship would look like, boundaries, rules, etc. etc. We do have good communication, and a very functional marriage. He is a responsible guy, and a great dad.

 

But... this thing just has DOOM written all over it. He is really excited to be given permission to pursue his dream, and I do not think he is really taking my concerns seriously, though we have discussed them.

 

He has had a year and a half to listen to my concerns and try to refocus back on our relationship, to no avail. She is still forefront on his mind. Sometimes I feel like my heart is shrunken to the point that I might not even care what happens. Sometimes I am very afraid. And sometimes I am a little excited, just to see what happens. (All those polyamory sites make it sound like this could totally work, and everyone will be happier.)

 

I feel like I must have no self respect to entertain this request. I've never been in any relationship except this one. It .. really seems like there should be more to it. I can't stand love stories any more.

 

Maybe this way we both have a better shot at finding happiness, even if only on the periphery of our relationship. I just wish this had come up before we had had children. But, done is done. I think we are unlikely to separate. We are, at the least, very good friends. At this point it may be all we are. He still claims to really love me and be satisfied with our relationship, but I can't see how that is possible. I am not sure I love him any more. (And this is why I don't want to hold him back. If he can find happiness elsewhere, hey. Maybe there is hope for me too. We don't necessarily have to shred our family in the process.)

 

I am not sure why I am posting this. I guess I really just want someone else to know.

 

I believe in what makes a relationship work for both partners is when both partners are happy and content with all the decisions made including sexual desires. You seem to be searching and researching ways to make this right in your own head.

 

Knowing Poly relationship I know that although individual acts can be held private/personal the overall experience/lifestyle is VERY much communicated and all parties are in tuned and respectful to each others thoughts, feelings and concerns in all levels.

 

I wish I could have a poly relationship without being in one. Poly relationships are built on so much more and the respect aspect is to be modeled and desired. However it's NOT for everyone and it most certainly doesn't sound like it's for you.

 

You need to listen to yourself and respectful yourself first and foremost. You might think you are offering a gift but usually gifts don't have strings. So, it is not a gift. It is giving yourself something of yourself that you have every right to not give up. Dignity and self respect.

 

I respect the fact your husband came to you first before asking your *permission*. However what consequences would have you had to face if you said no? However, you get to still suffer consequences for saying yes. Your husband is dancing on cloud nine with anticipation.

 

Your *permission* is his scapegoat. It sounds like he is pretty confident in his in devour. I would be suspicious that this has been discussed with *K* and one of them had reserves. Your permission was the key.

 

If this isn't the case and she participates how will you then feel about your friend?

 

You deserve to have your desires taken care of and that starts with being heard. Having your feelings in this situation validated. That is healthy. Your husband is disregarding you... that is wrong. It is not up to you to request/insist he does. He should know. He is showing you A LOT open your eyes! Do what is right for *YOUR* heart... not his. He isn't even concerned or bothered. His head is in lala land.

Edited December 4, 2014 by Mal78

[Poppygoodwill]

He gets points for being upfront with you, but what are his long term intentions, do you think? Does he know? Is it sex he wants with her, adn that will satisfy him, or does he want intimacy too. LIke he wants to try it out from teh safety of his marriage, before striking out for real perhaps? I dunno, this way is fraught with peril I say. Be very careful, and at each step always be thinking: what do *I* want here.

 

If this does go ahead, it would be WAY better if you could manage to have a love interest of some kind, even if it's just online on a dating site. It will give you ballast and a sense of attractivness and so on when he's out with her. And it will also show him that you could leave him too if you wanted, that others desire you as well. No bad thing.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hmm...

 

I've never been part of any kind of open relationship nor do I ever want to be (I'm much too selfish ) BUT I have known people who have been either right from the start or made the decision to move in that direction later in their monogamous relationship. All of them had mixed results.

 

I think the thing that bothers me the most about this is that your husband told you point blank that he WAS IN LOVE with K. It appears to be the catalyst for him wanting to pursue an open or polyamorous relationship.

 

Doesn't this bother anyone else?

 

That's not to say that men/women can't have strong feelings for their new partners, maybe even love eventually BUT in this particular case, it just sounds like a man who is looking to slowly phase out of his current "platonic" (your words) relationship with someone he's been secretly pining for for years.

 

Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong. I don't know but this just isn't sitting well with me.

 

I agree with what another poster said that those "successful" open relationships work because BOTH people want it and are on the same page about their OWN relationship in terms of protecting it and preserving it. They are in love with each other first and foremost.

 

If you're agreeing to this in the hopes your husband will just get it out of system and come running back to you begging for a monogamous relationship, you might be greatly disappointed.

 

If your marriage is platonic and safe and you and your husband are more friends than lovers then perhaps you should consider pursuing your own love interest as well. It's the only way I can see this playing out as fair as possible because right now, it sounds like he's just another selfish horn dog

 

Again, I hope I'm wrong.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[spanz1]

OP you say you could not find the time to have an affair of our own? There are plenty of stories out there where a wife with a job and kids find little snippets of time for a relationship to form. In a parking lot, behind the supermarket, him over your house while the toddler sleeps.

 

 

So, NO, you are not doomed to a loveless life IF you go along with this.

 

 

The key to keep your happy friendship platonic marriage going is to keep hubby's love interests centered on people who are leaving the country and not coming back! If he starts "falling in love" with a lady down the street, you might be screwed.

 

 

and the 2nd most likely problem...YOU fall in love with a BF, and its all over for the "platonic" way of life

[Rejected Rosebud]

You said it feels like doom, please listen to that feeling, it is not a good thing for you or your marriage, are you scared to be alone? Because I think you should push this situation into a make or break for your marriage, he either steps up to be your husband like I bet you signed up for when you married, or is set free from marriage to be a single guy. There is NOTHING in this for you at all, don't do it.

[angie2443]

What about your children? A baby and a toddler need a lot of time and attention, ideally from both parents. If both you and your husband try to collect extra partners, who's going to be there for your kids? If you do the responsible thing and take care of your kids and try to keep this marriage going, you'll die inside because you are the only who cares for your marriage and family. You need someone who is there with you, both physically and emotionally, not someone who is looking for permission to basically have an affair on you.

 

This "hopes and dreams" thing about getting to have relationships with other women while staying married with you is extremely self centered. Your husband doesn't sound like a healthy person to be married to. You might want to get into counseling for yourself so you can get a better understanding of what your husband is all about.

[ansur]

I think he genuinely believes that he could have a loving relationship with K -- but mostly about sex -- without falling completely in love with her and leaving our marriage. (For those of you wondering about the time commitment required while still taking care of children - we were talking about him having one night a week completely to himself, and vice versa. I had intended to mostly use that night to work on my own interests -- writing, drawing, making music -- but the recommendations to at least try dating a bit seem like a good idea. So that at the very least he understands some of the feelings that I have about his wandering heart, and that I might be able to feel like an attractive and loveable person.)

 

He says he is 95% happy with our relationship. Which really makes me think there is absolutely no hope. If he was unhappy too, there would be a place to work from to improve and heal our bond. But if he is completely happy (or lying, or doesn't really know any better) then there is nothing I can do. I think I have been pretty upfront about the things that I need from him in our relationship, but it doesn't seem to make an impression.

 

I think at this point I really hope he and K fall in love together so that I have a guilt-free way of checking out of my own relationship with him. (So passive-aggressive! Totally the lame and weak way out. Keep in mind that without my permission, he absolutely would not act on his feelings. I trust this. So it's a little ****ty of me to basically invite him to trash our marriage.)

I am really loyal, and I do think that while our marriage was not the best it was still pretty good. I was happy enough. I would have stayed in it indefinitely. Maybe even with the affair thing, if he had made it clear our relationship was the most important thing to him. Or at least seemed really concerned by how this would affect me. But as we come closer to Confession 2014 it's completely obvious where his priorities are.

 

If she turns him down then perhaps he will finally be able to shake this three-year obsession, and we will be able to move forward. And though I cannot imagine the man that would want to begin a relationship with a woman in my current situation -- and I can't really imagine having the time or emotional resources to begin a romantic relationship with another human at this time -- I at least have been looking at an online dating site to remind myself that there are lots of other men out there...and probably most of them wouldn't do this.

I am not a terrible person. I do deserve better than this. I know when people read stories like this they always wonder what the OP must have done in her relationship to warrant such a reaction from their spouses, but I swear, I am no ogre.

 

At least, whatever happens, we will both still be good parents to our children.

[elaine567]

A year and a half ago, my husband announced he had fallen in love with our friend K

 

I think he genuinely believes that he could have a loving relationship with K -- but mostly about sex -- without falling completely in love with her and leaving our marriage.

 

Something not quite right there.

[Realist3]

How does he know he's in love with her? You fall in love with someone after a relationship matures through contact and all that goes along with that.

[jackslife]

I think he genuinely believes that he could have a loving relationship with K -- but mostly about sex -- without falling completely in love with her and leaving our marriage.

 

He's fooling himself as well as you if he thinks he won't fall in love. He's already besotted with her, but after seeing her regularly he won't fall in love with her? Come on, that's not how relationships work, that's not how affairs work.

 

He is making you take the decision so when it all goes tits up (which it will) he can partially blame you.

 

If you don't want a polygamous relationship your answer should be a simple one - No! He is married or single, he can't have both.

 

Why are you tolerating this?

[stillafool]

-- but the recommendations to at least try dating a bit seem like a good idea. So that at the very least he understands some of the feelings that I have about his wandering heart, and that I might be able to feel like an attractive and loveable person.)

 

You may find that dressing up, looking pretty and going out on a date may spark something in your husband that he is losing a good thing.

 

He says he is 95% happy with our relationship. Which really makes me think

there is absolutely no hope. If he was unhappy too, there would be a place to

work from to improve and heal our bond. But if he is completely happy (or

lying, or doesn't really know any better) then there is nothing I can do. I

think I have been pretty upfront about the things that I need from him in our

relationship, but it doesn't seem to make an impression.

 

Of course he's happy. He is getting everything he wants from you. You have given him permission to date the woman of his dreams and basically anything else he wants. This is why you should date other men so your husband won't be so comfortable knowing he has competition as well. Try it, you will see that you will become more attractive in your husbands eyes. Start looking sexy and act like you could care less what happens with him and K.

 

I think at this point I really hope he and K fall in love together so that I

have a guilt-free way of checking out of my own relationship with him. (So

passive-aggressive! Totally the lame and weak way out. Keep in mind that

without my permission, he absolutely would not act on his feelings. I trust

this. So it's a little ****ty of me to basically invite him to trash our

marriage.)

 

Don't be so sure. If K really wants him you will be surprised how little your permission means to him.

 

 

I am really loyal, and I do think that while our marriage was not the best it

was still pretty good. I was happy enough. I would have stayed in it

indefinitely. Maybe even with the affair thing, if he had made it clear our

relationship was the most important thing to him. Or at least seemed really

concerned by how this would affect me. But as we come closer to Confession 2014

it's completely obvious where his priorities are.

 

You may be loyal but your husband is not. Why are you talking about your marriage in the past tense? Aren't you still married to him?

 

If she turns him down then perhaps he will finally be able to shake this

three-year obsession, and we will be able to move forward. And though I cannot

imagine the man that would want to begin a relationship with a woman in my

current situation -- and I can't really imagine having the time or emotional

resources to begin a romantic relationship with another human at this time -- I

at least have been looking at an online dating site to remind myself that there

are lots of other men out there...and probably most of them wouldn't do this.

 

The men would be more than happy to do that and more. Don't worry about that one bit.

 

 

I am not a terrible person. I do deserve better than this. I know when people read stories like this they always wonder what the OP must have done in her relationship to warrant such a reaction from their spouses, but I swear, I am no ogre.

 

At least, whatever happens, we will both still be good parents to our children.

 

Why woud anyone think you are a terrible person because your husband wants to cheat on you with another woman? This says more about him than you. When you start caring more about yourself you will find that your husband will to.

[Michelle ma Belle]

He's fooling himself as well as you if he thinks he won't fall in love. He's already besotted with her, but after seeing her regularly he won't fall in love with her? Come on, that's not how relationships work, that's not how affairs work.

 

He is making you take the decision so when it all goes tits up (which it will) he can partially blame you.

 

If you don't want a polygamous relationship your answer should be a simple one - No! He is married or single, he can't have both.

 

Why are you tolerating this?

 

Agreed.

 

You're kind of flip flopping on the issue of him being in love with K. First you say he confronted you about wanting an open relationship because he was in love with her already. Then you're telling us that he thinks he could keep his wits about himself and not fall in love with her if he was to get what he wants. Which is it? It's conflicting which leaves room for a lot of grief if you ask me.

 

I also wholeheartedly agree with jackslife about the reasons why your hubby is asking you for permission to pursue K (or other women). Although on the surface it may appear to be noble it's far from it. Basically, it's a case of being damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

He's already made up his mind which is he WANTS an open relationship, period. He can sugar coat it all he wants by telling you that he's 95% happy with you BUT... or that he's committed to you and your marriage BUT...

 

Too many but's in there for my liking.

 

As far as I can see it he's just as passive aggressive about this as you are. And if things go "tits up" as jackslife pointed out, he has someone to "blame" rather than himself. It's the perfect cop out.

 

The only way any of this might work is if you're BOTH 100% on board with the worst case scenario. If not, you have some serious thinking to do and hard decisions to make.

 

Good luck.