Bossy husband

[Aquila]

Hi there, I've been married for just over a year and my husband is in the army (I feel that's important). He's always been a take charge guy but lately he is just driving me crazy with telling me what to do. I will tell him something that has happened in my day and he instantly comes in and starts telling me how to handle it or what he would have done differently to what I did. He can't stand it on the odd occasion I do it to him yet he won't tone it down for me. It's getting to the point a conversation isn't a conversation any more, it's me telling him things then him laying out a series of directions when I hadn't even asked.

 

We met when I was 31 and he was 27. I'm not some little ingenue who hadn't managed a life before I met him and now I'm being treated like I've never left the house before. I know this is kind of how men communicate but it's insulting and I've had enough. Any advice?

[loveboid]

This is annoying to say the least. In my experience, it gets worse when they take action without consulting you!

 

I would find ways to stand up to him. Like...complimenting him on what a great listener he is...how he's like your rock or oak tree, silent but always there and comforting even when he doesn't say anything, then tell him you'd like him to listen.

 

Good luck.

[d0nnivain]

Read a pop psychology book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. It will explain why your husband feels compelled to "fix" everything. There are ways to address this. One of them is in a calm moment, talk to him about how much you appreciate his willingness to help you but sometimes you simply need him to listen rather than solve your dilemmas for you.

 

 

Especially if he's in a leadership position in the military, you also need to sweetly remind him that you are not in his chain of command.

[bebe23]

Oh gosh this has been my life for the last 18 plus years.

 

I get frustrated with my H and I often walk away and withdraw from him when he gets like this. It's usually little nitpicking things I'm doing wrong, things that aren't a big deal to me that he's always been anal about.

[Ronni_W]

I will tell him something that has happened in my day and he instantly comes in and starts telling me how

I don't know if this will work for you...but.

I recently read that "what to do" is the masculine aspect and "how to do it" is the feminine aspect (of the creating-manifesting process). So, you could say that back to your H, along the lines of, "Hon, I've already done it...I've already got through the masculine aspect of what I wanted to get done. Are you SURE you want to step into the role of the feminine, at this point?"

 

Alternatively, smile and say, "Thanks for helping, Sweetie"...and then just ignore him...but with love and laughter in your heart...as far as that is possible in the moment

[denise_xo]

I know this is kind of how men communicate but it's insulting and I've had enough. Any advice?

 

I know it's a stereotype but what you describe is NOT how men generally communicate.

 

Can you simply tell him what you have told us? And emphasise that this mode of communication is ruining your relationship.

[Aquila]

Hi, sorry for not replying and thank you all so far. I read bits of Men are from Mars and while it did confirm that this is an extreme version of male communication I didn't get much of how to deal with it. Maybe I need to read more thoroughly.

 

Anyway things had been pretty good until last night. We had a date night and it was really fun until it was time to go. I'd driven but the plan was to get a cab home. I've managed to get a cab from there before by waiting on the main road and flagging one down. It takes a little while but always works quicker than calling. Of course after about 10 minutes my husband refuses to listen that he just needs to be patient and delivers the ultimatum that he drives or we walk home. I can't let him drive after drinking so we walk home; 40 minutes in sweltering tropical heat. I was furious! This morning I had it out with him that I'm sick of not being listened to, that my ideas and opinions are never respected and he can't trust me on the simplest things. All I got in return was that he DOES listen and I'm getting angry about stupid stuff. I pointed out it's not stupid to ME but got nowhere. We're at a truce but I know this won't lead to any change because he can't see what he does. I have no idea where to go from here.

[SolG]

Maybe show him something like this

 

Or invest in some counselling.

[Aquila]

Thanks for the video, I'll show it it him when I get a chance.

 

Funnily enough we got a couple of counseling sessions recently, sort of late pre-wedding counseling people usually get before the wedding. He was great, readily acknowledged his need for control but it hasn't resulted in anything lasting. Our marriage is great otherwise, I'd hate to give the impression it's not but I really need this issue to get better.

[thirtysomethingteen]

Hi there, I've been married for just over a year and my husband is in the army (I feel that's important). He's always been a take charge guy but lately he is just driving me crazy with telling me what to do. I will tell him something that has happened in my day and he instantly comes in and starts telling me how to handle it or what he would have done differently to what I did. He can't stand it on the odd occasion I do it to him yet he won't tone it down for me. It's getting to the point a conversation isn't a conversation any more, it's me telling him things then him laying out a series of directions when I hadn't even asked.

 

My husband does this too at times and it drives me nucking futs! I know it comes out because he cares and genuinely wants to help, plus it's part of that innate male desire to "fix" everything, but still! It can be maddening indeed.

 

When my husband starts doing this (nearly always when I talk about work) I just interject and tell him that I am not looking for advice and just want to vent - that seems to do the trick. I think too often when women vent men think that is our way of asking them to fix the problem for us, when really we just want someone to listen.

 

Maybe there is a book that *he* can read that would help him better understand how women communicate?

[elaine567]

Thanks for the video, I'll show it it him when I get a chance.

 

Funnily enough we got a couple of counseling sessions recently, sort of late pre-wedding counseling people usually get before the wedding. He was great, readily acknowledged his need for control but it hasn't resulted in anything lasting. Our marriage is great otherwise, I'd hate to give the impression it's not but I really need this issue to get better.

 

He readily acknowledged it, because it was the right thing to do and to do so makes him, as a person, look good in front of you, and in front of the counsellor, but deep down he doesn't believe it is an issue, or he feels entitled to do that to you, hence he continues to do it.

[evanescentworld]

I hope you have, or can get, a couple more counselling sessions... contact your counsellor prior to the meeting/appointment, and ask them if you and your H could go through the speaker/listener technique with the Counsellor present.

 

It's very effective and will compel your H to actually LISTEN to what your issue is. Here's a link:

 

if your counsellor doesn't know what it is - I would be extremely surprised....

 

I found this too... Interesting that it's on a military website.... I wonder if that's a common problem in the Services, then....?

Edited December 7, 2014 by evanescentworld

[Aquila]

Our counsellor was ok but I did leave there feeling like we didn't really get practical solutions to communication. He never even mentioned speaker/listener. We're about to relocate again to a much bigger city so i might look some up after we arrive just in case.

 

Thanks for the link! I'll show the video and read the technique to him when he gets home. He's not a reader but will happily sit there and listen when I read to him. It will surely help in the interim, he's always been willing to try things to his credit.

Edited December 8, 2014 by Aquila
Edited for better flow

[Poppygoodwill]

I wonder if you create a sort of 'safe' word or phrase that tells him that you are incredibly serious and need and want him to shut up, and back down or risk causing a fight. Something along the lines of "THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME". Whatever it is, you don't use it all the time; only when it's really true and if he says one more thing you'll slug him, or walk away, or dump him.

 

The point is, he may not be able to change his way, but he can change his behaviour and learn to keep his mouth shut if it's very clear that what he's doing is going to make you unhappy or angry and ruin the night.

 

Bottom line, he may not agree with what you're doing, or your decision, but he's GOT to learn to respect hte fact you have an opinion and you're entitled to it and sometimes he's got to go along with it. Or suffer the consquences.

 

For the record, I'm married to a very senior military officer and while sometimes he is boneheaded and obtuse - like anyone can be - he doesn't treat me the way your husband treats you. And frankly, I wouldn't be here if he did. So it's not just a military thing.

[Aquila]

So I'm currently sitting at a cafe by myself because my husband (who was driving us for our morning coffee) had a huge tantrum when he couldn't park his new car properly. He screamed out of the spot, went flying up the street, honked at someone for daring to wait to turn near him then drove us home. We go upstairs and he's still raging, I was merely going to put something in the bin and he barks at me 'DON'T DO THAT.' I snatched up my keys and drove myself to the cafe.

 

He has a temper, it usually dissipates quickly but I'm terrified of temper. My dad had a temper - never violent but still scary and my husband knows this. I also had an abusive ex who controlled me with temper, again my husband knows this. Weirdly though my biggest issue is that even in the midst of a pointless rage he still felt entitled to order me around. I'm at my wits end - what am I going to say when I get home?

[autumnnight]

I would not say anything. And if he does, tell him that when he rages at you and treats you like a private third class (lol) you will be removing yourself from his presence.

[Anderlie]

silent treatments kind of extend the problem though don't they?

[Aquila]

I'd much rather sort the issue rather than let it fester. Conflict in general is just torture for me. Even now I see walking out fixed nothing, it probably just made us both feel more justified in being angry.

[Aquila]

He did send a nice message apologising before he came home which I appreciated as I'm not great at this sort of stuff in person. We chatted for a bit and he sounded really despondent and stressed out (we're about to do a big interstate move). I freaked out a little at the tone and blubbered like a baby when he came home safe and sound. I tried to talk about it and believe it or not it led back to him being annoyed at how I manage tasks and me being annoyed at him constantly looking over my shoulder. I can't escape it no matter what I do. Only difference is this time I suggested more MC and he said it wouldn't help. Then he just refused to talk any more so looks like I'm getting the silent treatment I tried to avoid anyway.

 

Sorry this is so stream of consciousness, I'm rattled and pretty devastated. He doesn't realise how important this is and I don't have the tools to make him see.

[evanescentworld]

You don't get it. He sees it as clearly as you do. Better even.

But he's pulling you into the Cycle of Abuse. It's a common tactic. If you can't convince 'em, confuse 'em.

He's putting trying to make head or tails of this mess onto your shoulders. He simply directs what he does in such a way as to compel you to address and alter YOUR behaviour to make things better.

It gets to the point where you completely change who you are, to accommodate his moods.

What you should be thinking is about attending IC, to strengthen your own position and determine precisely what it will take to make you see what's happening here..

 

This link is also in the above article.

Edited December 20, 2014 by evanescentworld
added link

[Ronni_W]

He has a temper, it usually dissipates quickly but I'm terrified of temper. My dad had a temper - never violent but still scary and my husband knows this. I also had an abusive ex who controlled me with temper,

Aquila,

Given the three, essentially the same, relationships - and that they are such significant relationships in your life - would suggest that it might be a "karmic thing" that you are magnetizing so that you can face it and heal it, once and for all.

 

Had you considered individual counseling for yourself? To learn how to stay solid within your own power, even in the face of some other person's "anger energy"?

To my way of thinking, it is an 'inner self' challenge for the 'outer self' to face and overcome the fear of others' aggressive energies; to not feel threatened in that, and to just be able to observe those people "doing their stuff". (I am not sure, but evanescentworld might be able to speak much more eloquently of this type of 'detachment'.) In any case, if what I'm suggesting is within your own personal philosophy/belief system, you then might want to consider working with a counselor who accepts "karmic things" and "auras" and "energy" as part of what we humans have to deal with.

 

And, if that stuff is NOT within your philosophy, please just reject and ignore the whole of it.

[Aquila]

I'm thinking it'll have to be IC, that way I can maybe get him along later. I also need to learn better communication strategies myself so it will be a benefit. I don't blame myself for this morning but even if I can learn what the hell I'm aiming for that would be good.

 

Like now, nice as pie all afternoon and he cooked dinner. All I want to do is scream at him how upset I am and how hurt and scared I was this morning but I can't because he wouldn't engage.

[evanescentworld]

Aquila,

Given the three, essentially the same, relationships - and that they are such significant relationships in your life - would suggest that it might be a "karmic thing" that you are magnetizing so that you can face it and heal it, once and for all.

 

Had you considered individual counseling for yourself? To learn how to stay solid within your own power, even in the face of some other person's "anger energy"?

To my way of thinking, it is an 'inner self' challenge for the 'outer self' to face and overcome the fear of others' aggressive energies; to not feel threatened in that, and to just be able to observe those people "doing their stuff". (I am not sure, but evanescentworld might be able to speak much more eloquently of this type of 'detachment'.) In any case, if what I'm suggesting is within your own personal philosophy/belief system, you then might want to consider working with a counselor who accepts "karmic things" and "auras" and "energy" as part of what we humans have to deal with.

 

And, if that stuff is NOT within your philosophy, please just reject and ignore the whole of it.

 

Thank you, Ronni_W for mentioning that. Oddly enough, we have a member on a Buddhist forum whose BF is behaving in a similar way to Aquila's husband.... And she is coping with the situation in a two-pronged way; from a philosophical, Spiritual "Buddhist" approach AND from the common-sense, day-to-day practical management of the situation.

Combining one with the other is a juggling act, but it is feasible, and it needs some skill.... However, as you mention detachment, I will take this opportunity to point out that detaching from a situation such as this one, doesn't mean you don't care, or have concerns or compassion; it means you look at the matter in a healthy way, which will bring about the best conclusion. This does not mean that everyone walks away satisfied and content with the result. But it DOES mean that the "soul" and heart remain less damaged, and the Mind is more objective in its perceptions....

 

I'm thinking it'll have to be IC, that way I can maybe get him along later. I also need to learn better communication strategies myself so it will be a benefit. I don't blame myself for this morning but even if I can learn what the hell I'm aiming for that would be good.

 

Like now, nice as pie all afternoon and he cooked dinner. All I want to do is scream at him how upset I am and how hurt and scared I was this morning but I can't because he wouldn't engage.

If you check those links I sent you, you will perhaps now perceive the pattern they illustrate.

It looks as if your H is a definite Cycle-creator.

Can you see any red flags there?

(Which is really, a rhetorical question, because it's there in your post, in black and white....)

[Aquila]

I did have a look, thanks. There are definitely behaviours he exhibits as far as minimization but it's not like I'm afraid of him. He rages at situations when his frustration gets the better of him but never at me, with me he just walks away. It just means nothing gets resolved, issues come back worse next time and I feel completely..... stifled. I'm sure it's no shock but it hasn't helped my self esteem or matters in the bedroom.

[evanescentworld]

I did have a look, thanks. There are definitely behaviours he exhibits as far as minimization but it's not like I'm afraid of him. He rages at situations when his frustration gets the better of him but never at me, with me he just walks away. It just means nothing gets resolved, issues come back worse next time and I feel completely..... stifled. I'm sure it's no shock but it hasn't helped my self esteem or matters in the bedroom.

 

You don't have to be afraid of a person to be considered to be in an abusive cycle.

He's not trying to scare you.

He's trying to have the upper hand.

He has succeeded in diminishing who you really are, so in that, his behaviour is working in exactly the way he wants.

Fear often doesn't figure. Providing he's controlling what happens, that's enough....