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Found hair in bed which isn't mine - Did he cheat?


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Hi,

 

I need your advice. I'm a bit scared and confused right now and I'd like to hear your opinion.

 

Basically, the relationship between me (27) and my boyfriend (30) couldn't be better. We've been together for more than two years, live together and he asked me two months ago if I wanna buy a house with him to which I agreed. We also already discussed marriage and children. We barely fight and spend all of our free time together and he always takes me everywhere. We can talk about anything. It's just perfect- That's what I thought.

 

Well, I have to add this- It has been perfect for a couple of months now, before that it wasn't so perfect. Before that, we were also very much in love, but we fought much more, about stupid things, plus he didn't want to talk about the future very much etc., which was a deal breaker for me. This year, we broke up for three months. He broke up with me out of the blue after a fight and I directly took my stuff, moved out and went complete NC. He then came back to me after three months, telling me what a mistake he made and that he really thought about things and wants a future with me. He asked me if I give him a second chance and I agreed after a while. Definitely things have changed ever since, as I already described above.

 

So, this past weekend I went for a two days trip with my girlfriends, a trip that had been planned for many months. He didn't really like that I went by myself (I could see that) but he didn't say anything and just acted as normal as he could and told me to have fun. In those two days away from him, we texted several times a day and he called me twice a day, in the morning and in the evening, telling me what he'd been up to. Yesterday (last night of the trip) night around nine though, he didn't answer my text for almost two hours, then said that he'd been at his aunt's place because his cousin arrived to our city today (which is true and he loves spending time with the family). So I didn't worry at all.

Tonight (Sunday) I came back from my trip in the early evening. Unfortunately he has to work and isn't coming back until tomorrow afternoon. At this part I quickly wanna say that don't worry here, he's definitely working and not lying to me. I know that 100%.

 

Well, when I went to bed to watch a movie, I noticed a long dark hair on the mattress. I am blonde and he has short hair. It's obvious that it's from a woman. He never invited friends plus I highly doubt they would go to the bed (instead of the living or dinner room), but we have a cleaning lady with long dark hair who comes once a week, so it COULD be from her- But I wonder, why would I notice that just now? It's almost been a week since she was here the last time and I slept several times in this bed. His mom also has long dark hair (and he saw her twice this weekend) but I guess it's highly unlikely that a hair of her got stuck on his shirt and he took it to bed or so.

I then panicked a bit. I have never seen strange hair before in the bed or at least I never noticed it. I then looked around the apartment, trying to find more hair, but I didn't. Of course I didn't inspect the apt like a police man, but I def looked for a while and didn't find any more hair, but a lot of his own hair and my hair (on the floor, bathroom etc.) which makes it look like nobody has cleaned in the last couple of days.

This wasn't enough for me- I was so stuck in my panic that I started to look in the trash cans in the apt, but they were all empty (which could be a sign of course, but on the other hand he empties them in general pretty often). Then I kinda walked around the apartment, not even knowing what I was looking for. I was just trying to find any evidence that another girl was here. I even smelled the bed and his worn shirts in the laundry, just smelled like him. The only other things I noticed- There was a lot of stuff on the dish dryer, e.g. several forks and knives, several bowls, several plates. To me, it looked like a lot for him being alone just for two days.

 

That's it. I also do have the password for his computer and he always leaves his email account open, but I haven't checked yet. I never did this and I wanna calm down first and think rationally. He never has a problem with me using his pc, even when I'm alone at home. He also lets me use his phone whenever I want (to play games or look stuff up etc.) so it doesn't look like he's hiding something, but who knows. And as I said, when I'm there he takes me everywhere. Friends, family etc. He basically never goes out alone with his friends or so.

 

The reason that I think he might have had a girl over this weekend is of course mainly the hair I found. I always thought I do trust him very much, but seeing this hair made me feel like that maybe I don't. I don't think he has ever cheated on me (before), but of course I cannot say that 100% (at least he has never behaved weird or left evidence etc.). Since he broke up with me this year, my trust was a bit broken of course. Also, I have been cheated on in the past (my ex), so maybe that's why I have some trust issues too. Plus, when I met him 2.5 years ago, he had a girlfriend. He broke up with her for me. I didn't know that at that time. He cheated on her with me, but only kissing once (well, I know, that's already too much), we didn't sleep together before he broke up.

 

So, fast forward, I'm sitting here and dunno what to do. My relationship seemed so perfect and he always seems so much in love with me, he really does. Now I'm wondering- Am I totally overreacting? Or would you worry as well if you were in my shoes?

 

 

Thank you.

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He cheated with you while he was with someone else so sadly to tell you, it is very possible that he is cheating on you.

 

So, this past weekend I went for a two days trip with my girlfriends, a trip that had been planned for many months. He didn't really like that I went by myself (I could see that) but he didn't say anything and just acted as normal as he could and told me to have fun.

 

Why was he upset? I find that odd. Even more so since this trip was planned a long time ago. Trust seems to an issue for him as well. Or is he putting it on you because he is doing something he shouldn't be doing?

 

I think be honest and up front with him. Tell him about the hair you found and just ask him to respect you enough to tell the truth.

 

Or you can look at his email. Just be prepared that you may not like what you find. Not knowing is worse than knowing - At least when you know you can do something about it and not let fears take over.

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Why was he upset? I find that odd. Even more so since this trip was planned a long time ago. Trust seems to an issue for him as well. Or is he putting it on you because he is doing something he shouldn't be doing?

 

 

 

I don't know. Well, he wasn't really upset, you could just see that his tried to hide that he's not too thrilled about me going away to another city for the weekend with my girlfriends. Some of these girls are wild party girls, love getting drunk and even two of them recently cheated on their boyfriends. I always tell him everything, so I also told him that a while ago. So maybe he fears I'm like them, which I'm not.

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labayer,

I think one dark hair isn't a lot of evidence for cheating, especially if there are other women with dark hair who visit the apartment.

 

I wouldn't say anything at this stage. If you challenge him now on such flimsy evidence he will just 'go underground' with his affair - if he is cheating.

 

Go into investigation mode and check his 'phone and his computer and see what that turns up.

 

Plus, when I met him 2.5 years ago, he had a girlfriend. He broke up with her for me. I didn't know that at that time.

 

This is a big red flag ^^^^, however, I would lie low for now and see if any more evidence comes to light.

 

This is a tough position to be in but you found out he has a track record for cheating and you still wanted to be with him. Sorry, x

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I think one hair is pretty weak, as far as evidence goes. I hug lots of my guy friends, borrow their coats or sweaters, whatever and my hair sheds like a golden retriever. I'm sure plenty of my friends have brought my hair home accidentally. Purely innocent. His mom. The maid. All plausible at this point.

 

But relationships built on sandy foundations (some level of cheating, say in the beginning) often have go-rounds like this, where you feel like you just can't be quite sure.

 

I doubt his email will tell you anything. He knows you have the password? Then he's probably opened a free Internet based account if he's decided to be shady. Only actual phone bills or records are even helpful regarding phones, but he could still be using an app to hide cell phone usage.

 

If it were me, I would keep an eye on his behaviors or patterns changing. Start paying attention to little things. But I wouldn't confront him with a hair as evidence. He will either laugh it off (even if it is true) or accuse you of becoming jealous or irrational. Bit of a lose-lose situation really.

 

This was your notice to be on alert if you are concerned, but with a much more level head than you've been going about it or you will drive yourself insane. Which isn't healthy for you, no matter what he is, or isn't doing.

Edited by EverySunset
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Slightly off topic but I really think you should pump the breaks on the house purchase... It's not a good idea to buy a house with someone you aren't married to anyways, especially if you can't trust him.

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One stray hair does not an affair make. You also stated he didn't want you to go with your friends, surely if he was looking for some luurve on the side he'd be desperate to get you out of the house.

 

Do you think subconsciously you are looking for excuses to end it with him. A one night stand would give you a good out... (I'm not saying you are, just putting it out there.)

 

Be careful here, if he hasn't had an affair, he has done nothing wrong apart from be upset that you had a weekend with the girls.

 

If you are concerned then talk to him (don't accuse). You could show him the offending hair and say "unbelievable, Emma the maid left her in the bed" or "how did your mums hair get in here?". I'm guessing he'll look non plussed. If I'm wrong and he looks panic stricken and flustered, then you should say "If you have anything to tell me you should tell me now"

 

Good luck

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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I don't think he cheated. If he did have someone else in his bed, he'd surely have changed the sheets unless he's incredibly stupid. Therefore it is most likely the maid's or mother's hair.

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Look at his emails and any other messaging apps, phones, tablets, you can find.

 

Some are so smug and sure they will never be found out that they do not even hide them, someone on here yesterday found her bf had made another girl pregnant by just looking on his fb.

Do not assume just because you have access, he isn't hiding anything.

 

Is the cleaning lady a candidate for him cheating with? Stranger things have happened...

 

But as others have said, one hair will be denied and laughed at and you will only alert him if he is cheating, and upset him if he isn't, so sit tight, but keep investigating and do not make any big life decisions that include him until you are very certain he isn't cheating.

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Deja vu. I found two long blonde hairs in my ex's shower. Like you, he wasn't at home so I went digging around and couldn't find anything other than his fancy drinking glasses in the sink, which I found odd. There were four in the sink over one day and stupid me didn't check the rim for lipstick, gloss, etc. Well, in the end he was cheating but not from me confronting about it.

 

Don't confront him because one hair isn't enough for you to make that accusation. You need to be alert and pay attention to his behaviors. Confronting him will likely cause him to watch his steps (if he's cheating) or make you look like an absolute looney.

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Hair can some times attach to clothes. If he was out & a woman's hair got on him, if he slept in his clothes that could explain how the hair got in your bed.

 

 

The fact that you have broken up before & you are suspicious now tells me that you should not buy a house with this guy. You don't have to break up but you should keep your eyes open.

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Also buying a house together does not guarantee he is really committed and he isn't cheating, he may be totally serious, but do not get too cosy at the thought.

 

A couple I know bought a house together far from their home town. The day they were supposed to move in, she went to the new house with her kids, but he didn't show up at the new house with the removal men as planned, Only then, did he tell her he was seeing someone else and he would not be coming to the new house.

She and her kids were now on their own, in a strange town, where they knew no-one...

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Do NOT buy a house with a guy you are not 100% sure of or are not married to.

 

So much of this is so wrong...

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Thank you for your answers so far. This morning I double checked the apartment by daylight. I found another hair in the basket of the laundry, again long and dark (where we live 90% of the women have dark long hair), not more. I also found my and his hair everywhere, so it doesn't look like he tried to clean.

 

I then did it- I checked his computer and emails. And I didn't really find any evidence. The only thing I found which I didn't like is an email he sent three days ago to his ex, who lives in Italy. It was a short email, just saying he heard of her accident and that he's sending her a lot of energy to the hospital and that he's sure that she will be strong as always. Then he also added that he wanted to call the hospital to talk to her but that he guesses it's too late at night now in Europe. He ended the email with 'a hug'.

 

Okay, she had an accident and is in the hospital, but I just dislike that he still has contact to her. I guess he heard about her accident from his brother because he's a good friend of her. And I feel like calling the hospital is a bit too much being an ex (she's by the way the girl he was with before he met me). She lives in Italy so obviously he's not cheating with her. I still dislike it, also because I know 99% that she still loves him (yes, more than two years later) and he knows that. A few months ago I saw an email from her that was already opened when I started his computer (so okay, I read that one) and she was telling him that she still loves and misses him and asked him if he wants to be with her again.

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Sounds like he was kind but not inappropriate with his ex in Italy. He said positive energy and not love or affection. She may have loving feelings for him as you say - but he sounds to be keeping a boundary from his side of it. She is too far away for you to worry about really.

 

The rest of things seem to much a mess, Take it down a notch, don't make any commitments and give it a while longer. You really want this drama to continue in a home and marriage commitment?

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FYI - I'm a guy who doesn't cheat and the hair thing has happened to me twice. I have black furniture and sheets, and twice my lady has found long dark hairs that weren't hers.

 

So yeah, its a possibility, but there's definitely hair all around us that we pick and put in other places. If he uses a laundromat or shared laundry, there's your answer.

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I don't see one hair as significant evidence. But - I'd suggest slowing down a bit with the house purchase and marriage if you're having any concerns.

 

My wife once found some panties in our bed, which caused a bit of drama until I realised that they were our daughter's. She'd been to stay while my wife was away. So I don't really see a hair as a big deal.

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He's not using any kind of shared laundry service, so that's not possible. But I do agree that there IS a possibility that it's just from the cleaning lady or a friend or so, although I do find it weird that I find one hair in the bed (which I probably would have seen before if it's been there for longer) and one in the dirty laundry.

 

I haven't bought a house with him yet and I'm sure it'll take at least a couple of months more, I'm not rushing into things. I feel just so weird about it- On the one hand I really do trust him and see him as a good, trustworthy guy, because I never wonder where he is, he always texts and calls me, takes me everywhere and treats me very well. On the other hand, the thing with his ex (that he kissed me while he was with her and broke up with her for me just days later) bothers me a bit, also he is sometimes in contact with ex-girlfriends, but says they maybe talk every second month and I shouldn't worry about it.

I have trusted a man before (my ex), who was really a sweet guy who I never ever would have expected to cheat. Then I found out he hooked up with a girl from work and not just once. Sometimes I feel like you cannot trust anyone.

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Since you didn't find anything bad when snooping chalk that up as a good thing.

 

 

Now calm down & talk to him. If he has cleaning lady & she has long hair that is most likely your answer.

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

Hey OP. My boyfriend left his girlfriend of several years to be with me too. It's not a pretty situation, but it happens more often than you'd think (and let's be honest, their relationship was broken long before I came along; I was just a catalyst). I don't necessarily think that's a dreadful thing. What does worry me is you didn't know he had a girlfriend at the time. When did he tell you? If he concealed that for months after you guys were together that could be a red flag.

 

It sounds like he is setting appropriate boundaries with his ex-girlfriend. If she's the one chasing after him, I wouldn't worry too much, but let your boyfriend know your concerns. Oh, and do not buy a house with him! Don't even think about it until you're engaged. You think your past break-ups were bad? Imagine what it's like with $450k of assets and equities.

 

Have you two talked about how your relationship started? Before the man and I started dating, we had a long conversation about how our circumstances might lead to trust issues down the road and if we thought it might happen again. We agreed upon the importance of being open about our feelings, and he has always showed me his conversations with his ex-girlfriend (mostly practical junk like "do you want this cast iron pot?"). You won't need to snoop if you can share with each other.

Edited by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ
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Standard-Fare

I'd assume the hair was the maid's unless any other evidence emerges. I understand why the hair put you on the lookout, but now you've got to calm down and snap yourself out of this mentality of skepticism and distrust.

 

It's unfortunate you felt the need to snoop through his email. It was pretty inevitable you were going to find SOMETHING that didn't sit well with you... not because your BF is a bad guy, but because that's what tends to happen when you sift through someone's personal stuff. The correspondence with the ex may be a little over the top, but, like the hair doesn't sound like anything to fret over unless you see more evidence emerge.

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Hey OP. My boyfriend left his girlfriend of several years to be with me too. It's not a pretty situation, but it happens more often than you'd think (and let's be honest, their relationship was broken long before I came along; I was just a catalyst). I don't necessarily think that's a dreadful thing. What does worry me is you didn't know he had a girlfriend at the time. When did he tell you? If he concealed that for months after you guys were together that could be a red flag.

 

 

 

 

I didn't know he had a girlfriend and he actually never came to me saying 'Hey, I have to confess something, I had a gf when we met'. No, I found it out because of a mutual friend, he asked me a few months into our relationship if I know that he had a girlfriend when I met him. Then I asked him and he confessed it.

 

 

Now I start worrying more about his ex. I know he is with me and he chose me over her AGAIN (a couple of months ago when she wrote him that email if he wants to take her back) but does that really mean I'm safe from her? Not just the email to her I saw- Half an hour ago I entered something on Google on his computer and suggestions came up. Many of them were suggestions like 'Train from Barcelona to Milan' and 'How to get from Barcelona to Milan'. I think it's pretty new in his history because I have never noticed that before (I entered something on Google starting with 'Ba' btw, that's how it popped up). Now I get really worried. Is he planning to visit her in Milan, where she lives? I'm 99% sure she's the only person he knows in Milan and if he was going to visit a friend or so I'm sure he would have told me.

He only has a valid visa for Spain in Europe (not for the other countries, for other countries he'd have to apply etc.), that's why maybe he wants to go by train from Barcelona because they won't check his visa on the train (but on the plane they would). OR he tells her to go to Barcelona by train (although in that case I wouldn't understand why by train and not by plane) and they meet there.

 

God, could that actually happen or am I once again panicking? For Christmas I'll go home, which means we won't see each other for two weeks. I'm so worried he will use that time to visit her over there. But wouldn't I notice him being in another continent since we talk and text every day? And would he actually even do that, after ditching her (again) for me and asking ME to buy a house with him and all that? Should I confront him or keep calm and try to look for more signs?

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Say nothing and look for more signs.

 

 

It's so hard to pretend everything is fine when you're so worried. But I guess you're right. If I tell him now that I saw that he googled how to get to Milan he will probably just try to hide it better next time. I still don't get though how and when he'd plan to go there. I mean I'm gone for two weeks but unlike me he has to work the whole two weeks, just has off 4 days (twice 2 days). Plus I guess I'd notice if he was in another country for a few days..

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I think you should talk sooner rather than later. His reaction should tell you all you need to know about what if anything he's hiding. If you honestly think he's the type who will simply do a better job covering his tracks if you discuss this now without more hard evidence, why do you even want to be with him if you have so little trust?

 

The fact that he reached out to a sick EX makes him a nice person. The man who is now my husband supported me when I cried my eyes out & mourned after my EX died. Just because your guy wishes his EX weren't sick & he feels compassion for her current plight does not automatically mean he wants her back.

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