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I need support: how to forget my fiance's ex


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I am going through one of the most painful times in my life... I am engaged for 1 month to this amazing girl. She is beautiful as an angel, smart,speaks and laughs with childlike innocence, and she is an amazing Christian.

 

Yesterday, she hit me with the most awful news I ever got: she is not a virgin anymore..I know she is in her mid 20s and people make mistakes, but she lost hers less than a year ago, just before meeting me...she waited so long only to lose it months before meeting her future husband.

 

Apparently, the guy lives in the same city as us, and was MARRIED when he claimed my fiance's virginity. She knew that, and she still did it. Said she couldn't resist him, she loved him immensely, and it was a mistake.. but I feel as if my heart has been ripped out. I ask her questions about details , but she is hesitant to answer most of them. I know from her reactions that she has done it several times with him, unprotected, oral, and maybe even worse... It completely ruined me.

 

I love her so much, and she loves me too, but how can I see her as my beautiful wife, the mother of my children, when that man has been inside of her and has all these memories about her now? I can't even kiss her anymore as I am imagining what she did with her mouth to him. I NEVER expected this from her. Also, I am chaste, I kept myself for marriage.. He knows her in a way that I don't, has explored all of her body, and it wasn't just sex either. She admitted to loving him "Immensely" (her words), and from how she says it I am sure she still has feelings for him. Mistake or not, it is killing me inside. Also, she says that she categorically will not have sex with me until our wedding night, but when I ask her to plan our wedding date she says that she doesn't want us to rush, and wants a fulfilling engagement with Christian principles.

 

Just to be clear, I will marry her for sure, I don't have any doubts at all. I just need help to forget the fact that this horrible man (who is smiling and "happily married" on facebook) recently received the gift which my fiance was supposed to give to me. I stalked his profile, and I hate that he is so happy and I have to endure this. He is probably ridiculing me without even knowing me.

 

I know there's nothing for me to forgive my fiance for, and it's just a matter of me accepting it, but it's so hard. Any advice would be welcome.

Edited by chuckkarev
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Ouch!

 

 

Normally if you were a sexual active guy that was sexually active prior to getting together with this girl I would swat you across the back of the head for even discussing prior sexual experiences in the first place, then I would tell you to either let it go and get over it or I would say if you can't get past it, then let her go and move on with your life.

 

 

However since you yourself have dedicated yourself to abstinence before marriage and have kept yourself chaste and virginity is a true value of yours, I have to break it to you that this probably is not reconcilable. Your value system and hers are too far apart to make it work.

 

 

Let me ask you a question - when you met her, if you had known that she had an affair with and fell in love with a married man, would you have even ask her out on a single date??

 

 

Would you have dated her exclusively knowing that she was not a virgin?

 

 

Did she imply that she was chaste when you met and began dating her??

 

 

I'm afraid this is irreconcilable. Not only have you been duped and sold a bad bill of goods and are with someone that you no longer respect, admire or cherish, but it is not fair to her to move forward with the marriage when you hold such disdain for her and such torment in your soul.

 

 

I don't think you can get past it and I am not sure if you should even try. She may be sweet and laugh at your jokes and she may "SAY' that she shares your values and she may go to church and cite scripture but her actions do not hold true. She is what you want in appearance only but not in substance. In other words she is not as she seems and not as she has presented herself. You are within your right to cancel the wedding plans even if it's not something you want to do.

 

 

I am sorry this happened to you.

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it sure doesn't sound like she's an amazing christian ; sleeping with a married man and sex before marriage (if she was supposed to wait). are you sure she's even christian and that she isn't just saying that in order to make herself likable to you? sounds like your values are very different and not a match.

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Ouch!

 

 

Normally if you were a sexual active guy that was sexually active prior to getting together with this girl I would swat you across the back of the head for even discussing prior sexual experiences in the first place, then I would tell you to either let it go and get over it or I would say if you can't get past it, then let her go and move on with your life.

 

 

However since you yourself have dedicated yourself to abstinence before marriage and have kept yourself chaste and virginity is a true value of yours, I have to break it to you that this probably is not reconcilable. Your value system and hers are too far apart to make it work.

 

 

Let me ask you a question - when you met her, if you had known that she had an affair with and fell in love with a married man, would you have even ask her out on a single date??

 

 

Would you have dated her exclusively knowing that she was not a virgin?

 

 

Did she imply that she was chaste when you met and began dating her??

 

 

I'm afraid this is irreconcilable. Not only have you been duped and sold a bad bill of goods and are with someone that you no longer respect, admire or cherish, but it is not fair to her to move forward with the marriage when you hold such disdain for her and such torment in your soul.

 

 

I don't think you can get past it and I am not sure if you should even try. She may be sweet and laugh at your jokes and she may "SAY' that she shares your values and she may go to church and cite scripture but her actions do not hold true. She is what you want in appearance only but not in substance. In other words she is not as she seems and not as she has presented herself. You are within your right to cancel the wedding plans even if it's not something you want to do.

 

 

I am sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for your answer.

 

She did not lie to me that she was a virgin, I just assumed it because I know that she and her family are such devout Christians at our very conservative church. I thought it would be impossible for her to even consider sleeping with a man before marriage. Also, she looks and acts so innocent, nothing in her personality would suggest what she did.

 

I don't want to cancel our wedding plans, I want to marry her, and I will do everything I can to leave all of this behind.

 

I just hope I don't get dumped if she still has feelings for him..

 

She didn't divulge much about it, but it seems that the guy was supposedly leaving his wife to marry my fiance, but she refused him, so he went back to his wife and stopped contacting her. I can tell that my fiance still has feelings for the guy, because she changes her voice when she speaks of him, even admires him. She did block him from Facebook a while ago, and they have no contact whatsoever. He is a good looking guy too, probably objectively better looking than me, so that doesn't really help my torment. My fiance swears that it's all over and in the past and she wants a real future with me.

 

This is truly a test for me, greatest in my life..

Edited by chuckkarev
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Apparently, the guy lives in the same city as us, and was MARRIED when he claimed my fiance's virginity. She knew that, and she still did it. Said she couldn't resist him, she loved him immensely, and it was a mistake..

 

 

My concern is she after he was done with her, she found a nice Christian boy to help clean up her "mistake." In other words she is using you as ointment on her soul to sooth her pain of getting pumped and dumped by a married man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

but I feel as if my heart has been ripped out. I ask her questions about details , but she is hesitant to answer most of them.

 

 

I'm going to side with her on this one. She's already spilled the beans, any more details is just rubbing salt, and alcohol and napalm into the wounds. The more she tells you, the more you are going to feel disdain and disgust for her. It's in her better interests to keep her mouth shut from now on. And frankly, now that you know she's not the sweet, pure, virgin you thought she was, any further details of their contact is really not any of your business. It was before she met you so it's her personal business.

now you do have the right to protect your health so you do have the right to ask her to get STD tested prior to having sex with her if you do ultimately decide to marry her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I know from her reactions that she has done it several times with him, unprotected, oral, and maybe even worse... It completely ruined me.

 

 

Word from the wise - never give someone the power to ruin you.

 

 

 

I love her so much, and she loves me too, but how can I see her as my beautiful wife, the mother of my children, when that man has been inside of her and has all these memories about her now?

I can't even kiss her anymore as I am imagining what she did with her mouth to him.

 

 

 

 

OK this is what I was talking about in my previous post when I said it was not fair to her to move forward with the marriage when you hold such disdain and disrespect for her. You cannot in good faith marry her when you feel this way towards her.

And frankly she would be making a mistake to marry you with you feeling this way towards her. If you can't get past this, she would be in her right to call off the wedding as well. She has a right to a husband that will love and respect and cherish her and if you can't do that, she has the right to terminate the engagement.

Your options here are to put the marriage on indefinite postponement until you can get past this....perhaps with therapy and counseling and soul-searching etc.

Or let her go if you can't accept this and can't feel the love and respect and cherish her in the manner that a husband should.

 

 

 

 

I NEVER expected this from her.

 

 

Question - did she ever imply or actually tell you that she was virginal prior to this revelation??

 

 

 

 

Also, I am chaste, I kept myself for marriage.. He knows her in a way that I don't, has explored all of her body, and it wasn't just sex either. She admitted to loving him "Immensely" (her words), and from how she says it I am sure she still has feelings for him.

 

 

This is why I am concerned that her motives for being with you may have some other agendas behind them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, she says that she categorically will not have sex with me until our wedding night, but when I ask her to plan our wedding date she says that she doesn't want us to rush, and wants a fulfilling engagement with Christian principles.

 

 

That is pretty messed up. I'm sorry but you can't retroactively reclaim virginity.

And it is kind of a catch-22. If she did pursue sex prior to marriage with you, then she would be asking you to compromise your values and principles and anyone that would do that would not be a good match for you.

The whole dichotomy and irony of that whole situation is too much for me to process. It's just way to messed up.

 

 

 

Just to be clear, I will marry her for sure, I don't have any doubts at all.

 

 

 

 

It's time to start having doubts. The whole reason we date is to get to know someone and find out how they act and react in a variety of life situations in order to determine if that person is the one that you want to marry and make a home and family with. Dating is a noncommittal stage during which either party can terminate the process and walk away without repercussion or recourse.

You have learned information about her that is in contrast some of your most core values and principles. to move forward now with that information is very very risky if not downright irresponsible and reckless. Marrying someone when you feel disdain and disgust for them and are uncertain how they can mother your children is not marrying in good faith. To marry someone with a great likelihood of divorce or marital despair is doing a great disservice to the institution of marriage.

If you do not believe someone is a valid marital candidate or you believe you cannot conduct yourself in marriage in good faith ( ie love, honor, cherish and protect your spouse), then you are largely obligated to not follow through with the marriage.

 

 

 

 

I just need help to forget the fact that this horrible man

 

 

you'll never be able to forget that. With time and therapy and healing you may be able to get over it and not dwell on it and not obsess over it 24/7 but forgetting is not going to be in the cards.

 

 

 

 

(who is smiling and "happily married" on facebook) recently received the gift which my fiance was supposed to give to me. I stalked his profile, and I hate that he is so happy and I have to endure this. He is probably ridiculing me without even knowing me

 

 

You're giving him a little too much credit there. I doubt if he cared that much about anything. It was probably just another chick to him.

 

I know there's nothing for me to forgive my fiance for, and it's just a matter of me accepting it, but it's so hard. Any advice would be welcome.

 

 

My advice is to consult a professional counselor/therapist ( a secular therapist, not a religious one) and treat this a trauma. A therapist may be able to help you get past the acute pain and obsessing. I honestly don't know whether you can or even should move forward with your relationship with her.

My humble opinion is if you can't get past the disdain for her after a reasonable amount of time and effort, then I believe you are obligated to let her go.

You have the right to marry a woman that you admire and respect and cherish.

And she has the right to marry a man that loves and admires and respects and cherishes her. If you can't do that, it's unfair and short-changing to both of you to marry her if you are looking down your nose at her and feeling tortured every time you look at her and think about what has happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

see responses in bold above.

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This is helpful, thanks!

 

To answer your question: we have not discussed sex at all prior to me proposing to her.

We just dated pretty much, and it was great. I asked her to marry me and she said yes.

We haven't even kissed until I proposed to her, but now we do it a lot and it's amazing.

 

She said to me that she needed to confess something, that's when I found out, and we both cried for hours. We are open about it, though, so I hope all will be well.

 

I will definitely seek professional counseling, maybe at my university.

Edited by chuckkarev
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Have you considered moving to the Middle East where they haves similar "values" as yourself? You can properly own a virgin and kill her if she cheats on you there!

 

Christian? You think Jesus would like all this judging you're doing?

 

And of course she dated a married guy because she has sexual issues from being repressed and shamed her whole life. Why would you keep perpetuating such horrible things?

 

Congratulations, you're the poster child of everything Jesus was against.

 

Don't you dare continue to make her feel bad over something that had absolutely nothing to do with you. Ugh, your shaming of her is worse than anything she has done. You need counseling, but it has nothing to do with her. You're sick, man. And quite frankly, she deserves better than your Talibanesque ways.

Edited by HereNorThere
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That is really rude. I specifically said that I don't hold it against her, and I will accept her past and marry her.

 

There is nothing wrong about sexual purity in marriage and has nothing to do with devaluing women. Sex is just better in the safety and intimacy of marriage.

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That is really rude. I specifically said that I don't hold it against her, and I will accept her past and marry her.

 

There is nothing wrong about sexual purity in marriage and has nothing to do with devaluing women. Sex is just better in the safety and intimacy of marriage.

 

 

How would you know? I thought you were a virgin?

 

You don't know the first thing about sex. Instead you know about what some ancient religious dogma says about sex.

 

Look, I'm not religious, but I've definitely been in your shoes. In fact, nearly every man has. NO guy wants to think about their girl with someone else. Google around, this is an OBSESSION with most men. Whether it was the person before you or she cheats and you have to think about that guy, NO guy likes this.

 

In high school, one of my exs lost her virginity to the guy she dated after me. We eventually got back together, but I shamed her for it. Truly, I was probably just jealous, but I also never tried to sleep with her. It wasn't my thing at the time and truly, it never really has been my thing. I don't pressure people and sex isn't at the top of my list when dating someone new. Needless to say, I've spent years regretting making a big deal about it. It was wrong of me and I should have been lifting her up, making her feel better about herself, showing her what it's really like to be loved.

 

You need to look at this from an obsessive/compulsive intrusive thought issue that happens with males. You are not alone. Trust me, if she knew the absolute truth of everything that goes on in that mind of yours, she could shame the hell out of you as well.

 

Let it go man. If there is a god, he certainly doesn't want you guys to continue to suffer over some old stuff. Don't let your obsession of what you can't control ruin your good thing. You both deserve better!

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Have you considered moving to the Middle East where they haves similar "values" as yourself? You can properly own a virgin and kill her if she cheats on you there!

 

Christian? You think Jesus would like all this judging you're doing?

 

And of course she dated a married guy because she has sexual issues from being repressed and shamed her whole life. Why would you keep perpetuating such horrible things?

 

Congratulations, you're the poster child of everything Jesus was against.

 

Don't you dare continue to make her feel bad over something that had absolutely nothing to do with you. Ugh, your shaming of her is worse than anything she has done. You need counseling, but it has nothing to do with her. You're sick, man. And quite frankly, she deserves better than your Talibanesque ways.

 

 

I don't see him 'judging' her per se but rather just great disappointment that she is not what he originally thought she was.

 

 

He really hasn't said anything bad about her or disparaged her in anyway. He has not shown ill-will towards her. I think comparing him to the Taliban is ridiculous and uncalled for.

 

 

He has a great value of virginity until marriage and he thought that she shared the same values and is now shocked, disappointed and disillusioned that she does not. But he hasn't said anything in judgment of her.

 

 

Disappointment yes. disillusionment yes but I don't see judgment or condemnation of her. He still even wants to marry her in spite of these revelations (I don't think it's a good idea at the moment but that's just me)

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Also, she says that she categorically will not have sex with me until our wedding night, but when I ask her to plan our wedding date she says that she doesn't want us to rush, and wants a fulfilling engagement with Christian principles.

 

How does she explain sleeping with him -married to someone else - and then denying you - whom she's going to be married to - intimacy. Seems like a very flexible set of values...

 

Mr. Lucky

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I am going through one of the most painful times in my life... I am engaged for 1 month to this amazing girl. She is beautiful as an angel, smart,speaks and laughs with childlike innocence, and she is an amazing Christian.

 

Yesterday, she hit me with the most awful news I ever got: she is not a virgin anymore..I know she is in her mid 20s and people make mistakes, but she lost hers less than a year ago, just before meeting me...she waited so long only to lose it months before meeting her future husband.

 

Apparently, the guy lives in the same city as us, and was MARRIED when he claimed my fiance's virginity. She knew that, and she still did it. Said she couldn't resist him, she loved him immensely, and it was a mistake.. but I feel as if my heart has been ripped out. I ask her questions about details , but she is hesitant to answer most of them. I know from her reactions that she has done it several times with him, unprotected, oral, and maybe even worse... It completely ruined me.

 

I love her so much, and she loves me too, but how can I see her as my beautiful wife, the mother of my children, when that man has been inside of her and has all these memories about her now? I can't even kiss her anymore as I am imagining what she did with her mouth to him. I NEVER expected this from her. Also, I am chaste, I kept myself for marriage.. He knows her in a way that I don't, has explored all of her body, and it wasn't just sex either. She admitted to loving him "Immensely" (her words), and from how she says it I am sure she still has feelings for him. Mistake or not, it is killing me inside. Also, she says that she categorically will not have sex with me until our wedding night, but when I ask her to plan our wedding date she says that she doesn't want us to rush, and wants a fulfilling engagement with Christian principles.

 

Just to be clear, I will marry her for sure, I don't have any doubts at all. I just need help to forget the fact that this horrible man (who is smiling and "happily married" on facebook) recently received the gift which my fiance was supposed to give to me. I stalked his profile, and I hate that he is so happy and I have to endure this. He is probably ridiculing me without even knowing me.

 

I know there's nothing for me to forgive my fiance for, and it's just a matter of me accepting it, but it's so hard. Any advice would be welcome.

 

It sounds like you held her virtue on a pedestal and now that is shattered with her pre meeting you infidelity.

 

Do you value you her virtue over your love for her?

 

I too was conditioned in a devoted Christian upbringing that my virtue was more valuable than life itself (my mother would tell me often, if you are ever in a situation to be raped ask to be killed instead. Very traumatic for me as I was raped as a small child and I didn't start receiving the *rape talk* until I was 10 years. So needless to say I felt worthless and worthy of death for my sins. Which being: I allowed myself to be raped)

 

As a devote/strong Christian girl she spoke the truth. She too is suffering in shame.... now is she worthy of your love to lift her up and bring her to light?

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I have been in kinda sorta similar situation - my christian wife was involved with a MM and more difficult stuff then I want to discuss here (I found out after out wedding).

 

You may never get over this. It will torture you throughout your marriage. The sex, the being with a MM - it eats at your view of her, and your view of how she sees you. I really suggest you reconsider.While your christian - that does not negate your being human or a man - or make you able to shake stuff off any easier. If you can't fully 100% get over this and accept it - what kind of husband and marriage will you have?

 

You need to meet with a church premarital counselor right now. Your wife and you should be discussing the process of repentance (my focus would be her being a mistress but for you the sex thing is also an issue). Also there maybe underlying psychological issues (a weakness) in your wife that allowed this affair to happen (particularly for a virgin christian to sleep with a MM). If you cant get to the bottom of her reason for violating her beliefs with this MM - and that they are resolved - you should not marry her.

 

You need access to her emails Facebook and other electronic communications. I would suggest (sorry to say this) you spy/hack to look though this. I warn you from experience - that there is a chance she is still (or was) in communication with the MM while with you. You need to confirm she broke it all off once you got in the picture.

 

You should inform MM's wife of this affair, bring it out in the open, so that there is nothing to hide - and that chances of them communicating or seeing each other in the future is out in the open. Again warning you from experience - MM could care less if she is engaged married in pursuing her again when he is in the mood for sex - he will keep on her to get back together for fun. Her MM does not respect marriage, and he probably feels your wife does not give a **** about marriage either - so why not keep it up.

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evanescentworld

"Let he who has no sin, cast the first stone."

 

If Christ welcomed all to his fold, regardless of their transgressions, being so resentful is clearly not a very Christian attitude.

 

While HereNorThere seems harsh, in fact, he's pretty much on the button with his comments. What is really causing you pain and anguish, is the ideal you set up for yourself is crumbling, and the "Madonna" image you constructed for yourself is transforming into the "whore" aspect.

 

IF you continue with your plans and marry this woman, I strongly suspect such unresolved issues will severely impede your first sexual experience and encounter with her.

And to be honest, much as you SAY you want to get through this and come to terms with it and accept it - once married, and facing your first night together - it will simply come between you, because I honestly don't think you ever can or will get through it.

 

I believe this is just too big an issue in your mind, to permit it to recede and be unimportant.

because the entire "virgin" issue is something you fabricated in your mind as an ultimate virtue, whereas in her mind it's only important to her, because it's important to you.

 

I do not believe that marrying as a virgin is a good idea.

If you discover a sexual incompatibility, no matter how much you face it and try to address it, there will always be an issue of compromise, and one or the other will be put in a position of having to accommodate the other.

And it will ruin the marriage. Because if you believe in the sanctity of the ceremony, you will look upon divorce as a godly failure, and recoil form the idea, thus remaining in a deeply dissatisfying relationship, quite needlessly and uselessly.

 

This situation is a minefield.

Do NOT marry her.

She fails to meet your idealised expectations, and your feelings on the matter are too deep to dismiss or overcome.

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I do not believe that marrying as a virgin is a good idea.

If you discover a sexual incompatibility, no matter how much you face it and try to address it, there will always be an issue of compromise, and one or the other will be put in a position of having to accommodate the other.

.

 

Virgin or no virgin - there is often comprise in marriage. One can make the argument the other way -having many partners before marriage.

 

Try to marry someone who shares your beliefs and values what you value and is honest about it.

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evanescentworld
Virgin or no virgin - there is often comprise in marriage. One can make the argument the other way -having many partners before marriage.

I agree with you, sure; I was really speaking with relevance to this specific issue.

The big problem is, he made the disastrous assumption that she too was a virgin.

 

you know what they say about it when we "assume" anything....

 

Try to marry someone who shares your beliefs and values what you value and is honest about it.

Oh yup. Sure. Ditto that....

 

And your fiancée isn't 'the one'....

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Try to marry someone who shares your beliefs and values what you value and is honest about it.

 

It comes down to this ^^^^^^^^^

 

 

Whether other people agree with it or support it or not, virginity is very important to him. He thought it was important to her too and that she was living under the same values and codes of conduct that he was and now he has found out otherwise.

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chuckkarev

 

 

How much of a Christian are you? Last time I looked Jesus forgave repentant "sinners"

 

 

Don't marry this woman if you can't forgive & forget. The words you used in your initial post were so full of judgment & hate. I get the sense that if you marry her all you will do it try to punish her for the rest of her life. She doesn't deserve that.

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It comes down to this ^^^^^^^^^

 

 

Whether other people agree with it or support it or not, virginity is very important to him. He thought it was important to her too and that she was living under the same values and codes of conduct that he was and now he has found out otherwise.

It is, but it seems that in this country (USA), it is a big mistake to expect virginity, even from a sweet girl like my fiance. We are both immigrants from an Eastern European country, where the baptist church is a lot more conservative and people don't do this kind of stuff.

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In all fairness, what happened before she was with you shouldn't impact how you veiw her. You made assumptions, she never lied and really owes you no explaination of her prer-you sex life.

 

With that being said, you can't marry her now, maybe later. This isn't an issue that will go away until its dealt with in a heathy manner. It will eat at you and your marriage.

 

Simply put, maybe you have unfair expectations of her or maybe she just isn't who you thought she was. Either way you shouldn't be getting married any time soon.

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evanescentworld
It is, but it seems that in this country (USA), it is a big mistake to expect virginity, even from a sweet girl like my fiance. We are both immigrants from an Eastern European country, where the baptist church is a lot more conservative and people don't do this kind of stuff.

 

Bull.

People do this kind of stuff, everywhere.

And she's not from the USA, but she still did 'this kind of stuff'.

 

Let's put it bluntly: You have no right holding her to judgement (because even if you protest that you aren't, you most certainly are) and you made some rash assumptions about her, which are your responsibility to address, not hers.

 

I'm going to be brutal here: This isn't so much a case of you being unwise to marry her. I think it's also a definite case of her being foolish enough to marry you.

 

I personally, as a woman, would hate to be with a man who considered himself to be so virtuous and chaste by being a virgin, but holding me up to scrutiny simply because I was more liberal with my ideas on sex and intimacy.

 

This is what it boils down to.

She's already had a sexual experience.

 

Forget the man and the circumstances. You assumed she was a virgin, and she isn't.

You ARE a virgin, and if you marry her, you marry a woman who's already had sexual intercourse with another man.

Not only do you find it difficult to put the circumstances out of your mind, the fact is, and the fact remains: She's been to bed with an experienced lover, and you are therefore at a disadvantage, in that specific matter.

 

Break off the engagement, set her free, and set yourself free.

This will come to nought but tears, otherwise.

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It is, but it seems that in this country (USA), it is a big mistake to expect virginity, even from a sweet girl like my fiance. We are both immigrants from an Eastern European country, where the baptist church is a lot more conservative and people don't do this kind of stuff.

 

You had certain expectations. She cannot meet those expectations. You have 2 choices:

 

 

Forgive her & move forward with your lives together never looking back & completely forgetting everything before you met

 

 

OR

 

 

Ending this now

 

 

If you can't completely erase this from your mind, do not marry her. It's not fair or Christian for you to punish her for the rest of your lives.

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You had certain expectations. She cannot meet those expectations. You have 2 choices:

 

 

Forgive her & move forward with your lives together never looking back & completely forgetting everything before you met

 

 

OR

 

 

Ending this now

 

 

If you can't completely erase this from your mind, do not marry her. It's not fair or Christian for you to punish her for the rest of your lives.

 

 

Yup ^^^^^^^^^^^^

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Do we know his gal was "more liberal" in her beliefs on sex, that OP was assuming something out of line? From what he seems to be saying they both came from a culture/location and religious denomination which believes in waiting till marriage. He choose her based on this - is this really far fetched "assumption" his part? Is he judging her - or just heartbroken and trying to cope with a woman he planned to marry? Am I missing something in the story here.?

 

Second - and we keep focusing on the premarital sex - but she slept with a married man - and not just any old sex - she gave up her virginity to a married man. So what does this gal believe about sex, marriage, and honesty?

 

Also was she not clear on his background, belief system, religious views - that she waited until after he proposed (and she accepted) to tell him this? Did she assume something different about the man she was agreeing to marry?

 

So she has sex with this MM and now she wont with her fiancé who is willing to commit to her? Does she have liberal view or conservative ones? Why is OM/MM getting preferential treatment? So he gets Christian sexual principals from her (what ever she believes that is) and OM/MM gets another kind of sexual practices or principals? Who is the person in the story with double standards?

Edited by dichotomy
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dichotomy --

 

 

You raise valid points but the facts still remain, if he can't get past this (& I'm not saying he has to but if he can't), he can't marry her. What good will it do for them to marry & him punish her for the rest of her life?

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