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A hundred issues - or so it seems.


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I apologize in advance for the potentially novel-like post that I am about to bombard you all with. :)

 

 

I am 46 years old and I have 4 children ranging in age from 25 to 18. My oldest child is from my first husband (married him at 19, what was I thinking? Marriage lasted less than 3 years.) I had sworn off men after my divorce, that is, until I met my current husband. He was everything I wanted in a man, and he cared for my daughter. We got married, and had 3 children together. When we got married, I had a decent paying job - nothing I wanted to make a career out of, but it was enough to support me and my daughter after her father and I divorced. After our first child together was born, my husband really wanted me to stay home with the children. He had always dreamed of having a wife who would meet him at the door with a smile and a kiss, and the house smelling wonderfully of supper cooking in the kitchen. His parents had both worked long, hard hours and he never saw them growing up and he wanted better for our children. I was thrilled to be able to stay at home with our kids. I was active in their schools - always the first to volunteer to be room mother or chaperone on field trips, and taking them to their sporting and band events. My focus was our children and our home. His focus was his job. It had to be, for us to make it on one income.

 

 

Our youngest graduated this year and is off to college, she officially moved into the dorms in August. For the first month I tried to carry on as usual - cleaning the house, cooking the meals, doing the laundry, etc. But that took less and less time to do with just the two of us in the house and I started to get bored. I want more out of life now. I'm still young. So I looked into some adult education classes. My husband was supportive of me going back to school and trying to find something that interested me that I could make a career of.

 

 

But that idea got put on the back burner. My oldest child (25 years old) has an alcohol problem. Her father passed away a few years ago, and she didn't deal with it well. She started drinking and smoking pot to cope with everything she was dealing with. It has been a constant battle with her, and I am at my wits end. She has been in a relationship for the past year and a half, and I really thought things were looking up for her. She was happier than I had seen her in a long time. Back in August, they bought a house together. Sadly, she has continued to drink, and it has gotten worse in the past couple of months - which is why I put my thoughts of school on the back burner. I offered to go with her to AA meetings, I helped her find a counselor (she has been once and said she isn't going back), it has really taken it's toll on me. I get calls or texts at least once a week from her boyfriend saying "She's drunk again. I can't take this anymore. She is out of here tomorrow when she sobers up." But then she talks him into letting her stay, and the cycle starts all over again. It has gotten to the point where I know her pattern and the days she gets really drunk, and I have stopped answering the phone during those times because I just don't want to deal with it anymore. That might sound cold and heartless to some, but it's tough love. She won't change until she is forced to by losing everything she has and hitting rock bottom. And I will not enable her.

 

 

The reason that was an important part of my story is because my daughter and her drinking are starting to cause problems in my marriage. My husband has always loved my daughter and taken care of her as if she were his own. He had a decent relationship with her even through her teen years, and a lot of the time she would go to him with problems because she didn't feel comfortable talking to me about them. After her father died, and she started to spiral out of control, my husband kind of took a step back for about a year because he didn't know how to deal with her. Within the past year, they have gotten close again. And that's where the problem is. He coddles her. He drops everything to take her calls, or answer her texts. He sticks up for her and makes excuses for her drinking. He does not want to believe or admit that she has a serious alcohol problem. After our youngest moved out, I really shifted into "marriage mode". It was the first time in our relationship that it was just the two of us. The first time we didn't have kids in the house, and everything that comes along with having kids in the house. I started walking around the house naked - or cooking dinner with just an apron on. I made the decision that when my husband was at home, my phone was turned off because I wanted to focus on him. He really seemed to enjoy the new dynamic in our relationship, and so did I. That is, until the phone calls and texts with my daughter became out of control. She calls him when he is at work at 7am and they talk for an hour - every day! He texts with her constantly whether he is at work or at home. The first question he asks me when he walks in the door is "Have you talked to her today? How is she doing?" It's been this way for a month and it is seriously driving me insane. I have talked to him about this until I am blue in the face, and it doesn't change anything. He feels that she needs some kind of support from someone who loves her, and that she needs a soft place to land, and that I have turned my back on her because I avoid her calls (which I do in the evenings because A) I turn my phone off when my husband is home. and B ) Because that's when she is most likely to be drunk, and I got tired of listening to her babble on the phone, and then pass out while she was talking to me. He doesn't understand that he is NOT helping the situation. I know this. I have dealt with addicts my whole life. My father was a meth addict for 30 years. My aunt was a meth addict for 25 years. My uncle was an alcoholic for 10 years. All three of them had to hit rock bottom before they got their heads out of their asses and realized they needed help. That's what needs to happen with my daughter, too.

 

 

I hate to sound entitled, or I don't know what word to use here - whiny, bitchy, whatever - but this is the time for US. I want him to put the same kid of effort and focus into me and our marriage that I am. He has said that it scares him because we have never had it before (being alone, just the two of us) and that I might not like him after all. I told him there was only one way to find out - we have to start dating again. :) I send him sweet and sexy texts during the day, and sometimes a short email letting him know I am thinking about him and can't wait for him to come home. And things have changed in the past couple of months in other ways, too.

 

 

The doctor put my husband on blood pressure medication 2 months ago. within a week, he noticed that he was having some minor erection issues - which is something he has NEVER had problems with. So, the doctor put him on a different medication but the problem persisted so he stopped taking the meds all together 3 weeks ago. The problem still persists. The sex between us has really changed. For one thing, he no longer seems to care if I am satisfied or not. It has been close to a month since I have had the big O. And during the entire time we have been together, he has ALWAYS made sure I finished before him. Also, he used to finish pretty quickly after I did. But for the past 2 weeks, it takes him forever to finish no matter what I do, and I'm really starting to feel like I am doing something wrong. I would say that we are 50/50 on who initiates sex, and no matter who does, it's the same.

 

 

I'm just confused. I want to make him understand that he has to stop coddling my daughter. He needs to stop taking her calls every day because it upsets me when we are sitting on the couch cuddling and she calls and he jumps right up to answer her call. He will sit there on the couch and I can hear what she is saying and none of it is important and more than half the time she is drinking when she calls. I just feel like he needs to be more concerned with me and our marriage than with her issues - because they don't even talk about her drinking problem because neither of them think she has a drinking problem. And I don't know what to do about the sex issues. I want to talk to him about them, but he always gets so upset because sex has always been so important to him. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel like he is letting me down.

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I offered to go with her to AA meetings, I helped her find a counselor (she has been once and said she isn't going back),

 

Unfortunately, also with an adult daughter that's an addict, I have way too much first-hand experience with this.

 

Other than "family" nights, it's a mistake for you to attend AA with her. AA/NA are for the addicts themselves and your presence only inhibits their progress. You - and your husband! - should be at Al Anon.

Within the past year, they have gotten close again. And that's where the problem is. He coddles her. He drops everything to take her calls, or answer her texts. He sticks up for her and makes excuses for her drinking. He does not want to believe or admit that she has a serious alcohol problem. After our youngest moved out, I really shifted into "marriage mode". It was the first time in our relationship that it was just the two of us. The first time we didn't have kids in the house, and everything that comes along with having kids in the house. I started walking around the house naked - or cooking dinner with just an apron on. I made the decision that when my husband was at home, my phone was turned off because I wanted to focus on him. He really seemed to enjoy the new dynamic in our relationship, and so did I. That is, until the phone calls and texts with my daughter became out of control. She calls him when he is at work at 7am and they talk for an hour - every day! He texts with her constantly whether he is at work or at home. The first question he asks me when he walks in the door is "Have you talked to her today? How is she doing?" It's been this way for a month and it is seriously driving me insane. I have talked to him about this until I am blue in the face, and it doesn't change anything. He feels that she needs some kind of support from someone who loves her, and that she needs a soft place to land, and that I have turned my back on her because I avoid her calls (which I do in the evenings because A) I turn my phone off when my husband is home. and B ) Because that's when she is most likely to be drunk, and I got tired of listening to her babble on the phone, and then pass out while she was talking to me. He doesn't understand that he is NOT helping the situation. I know this. I have dealt with addicts my whole life. My father was a meth addict for 30 years. My aunt was a meth addict for 25 years. My uncle was an alcoholic for 10 years. All three of them had to hit rock bottom before they got their heads out of their asses and realized they needed help. That's what needs to happen with my daughter, too.

 

He obviously enabling her. You might read him this:

 

Let Me Fall All By Myself

 

 

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me. Don't throw a pillow under my ass to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it. Don’t stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ... Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ... The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ... I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

 

Mr. Lucky

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Mr. Lucky, thank you so much. I will print that out and leave it beside his coffee pot so he can read it in the morning. I don't know that it will do any good, but it sure can't hurt.

 

 

Having a child who is an addict is horrible. My first reaction was to try to help her, too. Try to take away her pain, etc. Of course as a mother you can't stand to see your child in pain or harming themselves that way. But I soon realized that I was only enabling her, and as hard as it was, I had to walk away from her. I have told her that I refuse to watch her drink herself to death. I wish my husband would join me in that refusal.

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As strange as this may sound, I say stop telling your husband what to do. If he wants to try to rescue her, then let him. Either one of two things is going to happen -- either he'll be able to save her, or he'll get sick of dealing with her. He knows where you stand on this issue so there's no need to keep talking about it, or to keep reacting to it. Just let him do what he wants, make sure he knows that your daughter is not welcome to live in your house if that question comes up, and then leave it alone.

 

As far as the sex issues, I'd drop all of that, too. It's most likely tied to the fact that you disapprove of him trying to be helpful to his step daughter. Just let him know that you appreciate that he cares so much for her and that even though you don't agree with his methods, you respect his right to do as he chooses and that you hope he feels the same about your choices.

 

Continue pursuing the things you want to do and stop focusing so much on him.

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I wish my husband would join me in that refusal.

 

One thing he can join you in is attending Al Anon. It's both empowering and healing to know you're not the first parent to face the prospect of watching your child destroy her life and future. Others have walked in your shoes and they could really shorten your husband's learning curve. The two of you should attend together...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Sounds like you actually have a few issues going on here. First of all there is some trouble in your marriage that may not have anything to do with the trouble with your daughter.

 

 

You say that when the last child left home you became really focused on your marriage. Initially you said your husband loved it but later you said he was uncertain about it. I think he is uncomfortable with your focus suddenly shifting to him and your marriage. Perhaps he liked it better when your attention was divided with only a fraction of it going to him. He may feel pressured or suffocated. This makes me wonder if he isn't using your daughter and her problems as a kind of buffer between the two of you. If he focuses on her and he can get you to focus on her too then he can avoid the type of close intimacy with you that you seem to be aiming for. This may be partly why the sex between the 2 of you has also changed. There also seems to be an almost incestuous dynamic between your husband and daughter. I'm not talking about sexual incest, but emotional incest. By the sounds of it your husband spends more time talking and bonding with your daughter than he does with you. Another flag that he is avoiding intimacy with you. Perhaps some marriage counselling would be in order to address this.

 

 

As for your daughter, your husband is of course enabling her and not helping. Would he be willing to attend Alanon meetings with you? He needs to understand that his actions are actually holding her back. You should not be putting your goals and aspirations aside either. If you want to go back to school then you should. All of your attention should not be on your adult daughter and your husband.

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