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need men viewpoints , is this list too much to ask for in your man?


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Hello, may i get opinions from the men here please on this,

me and my man are have been in a serious committed relationship, and now we to the point of living together, and discussing marriage down the road.

His mom fully support us living together, i got his mom approval to let her son live together wtih me.

 

He always wanted to live together anyways, so i might as well let him have his ways. we plan to live together after the new year.

but i have a list for him to follow, he knows my list and fully agree to it.

 

But just to be fair, i don't want to come across as being unreasoning or controlling. Do the men here find my list to be unreasonable?

 

here is my list:

 

1. Since we always split bills during our dates. we still continue to do so even if live together or marriage....

We both are and going to be Financially independent, seperate bank/saving account.

He wlill have full freedom in control of his 'own' money.

But He needs to be responsible of his saving for rainy days and emergency. Same to me, I have my own saving for rainy days and emergency.

 

2. I will pay one month of rent/mortgage, he pay next month rent/mortgage.

All other household bills will be split half half, or he pay this month, I pay next month, Evenly distributed.

My man is far from rich, no where near 'successful', so telling him to handle all the household expense is plain out unfair.

 

3. I will continue to work whether married or live together, to helps with the rent/household expense.

I will cook and clean. and he will fixed things around the house, cars, the hard household stuff that this 5'0 tall girl can't do or reach.

 

4. He can't cheat on me , CANNNOT cheat on me under any reason.

If one day I no longer can satisfy him emotionally/sexually, or if he fall out of love on me:

I will give him the full freedom to go be with another woman, under one condition: he MUST PROMISE to tell me first. NO need to cheats, just tell me first, then I let him go free.

No need to keep a man when his heart is no longer with you.

 

So is my list Unreasonable or controlling?

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The whole Cheating clause is setting yourself up for failure from the get-go.

 

That he can get sex outside of the relationship when/if you don't want it anymore provided he tells you?!? You can't pre-determine your emotions at this point and the entire arrangement will come back to bite you in a really bad way...

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Just like Carrie said. Don't bother planning out emotions. It will hurt just as much when/if he tells you as it would seeing it in a text.

 

Scrap that part.

 

The rest of it is very, very fair. He's got himself a pretty cool chick.

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Thank you Carrie and nofeeling22, we just a poor couple who live in the same neighborhood, we both have jobs, but none make enough to buy a house.

So we gonna have to live together, and I know I have to help him out fianancially too,

 

Sorry but English is not my first language.

What I mean on #4 on list is

He CANNOT have sex outside.

 

What I mean is if one day he fall out of love on me, I don't want to see him cheats BEHIND my back.

What I want is him directly tell me straight to my face that he no longer love me, and that he wants to be with other women.

Then me, this girl will end the relationship, pack my things and leave, and restore his 'single' status, and i wish him happiness wtih the other woman.

 

I NEVER say I am going to stay with him if he cheats. I will leave immediately after I found out he cheats on me.

maybe I need reword my #4?

 

 

and #3, I might sound harsh on him, but I'm not.

I am 150cm tall girl, there things I can't do such as changing the lightbulb high up in the ceilings.

or fixed cars, that I don't know, he gonna have to help.

or like moving heavy furniture, he gonna have to help.

Is this too much to ask in a man?

 

ofcourse cooking and cleaning, wash dishes will be me doing it, i like do this stuff. I already start cooking his Soul Food culture dishes, got his mom to teach me.

Edited by asiangirl
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Wanting financial independence & security is wonderful but you don't seem to factor kids in here. How will you pay your 1/2 of the bills during the months you are out on maternity leave with no money coming in. What if one of you makes 3x more money than the other one? 50/50 isn't always the fairest split.

 

 

As other have said, trying to regulate cheating is hopeless. Of course talk about your expectations -- break up rather than cheat -- but don't fool yourself into thinking that you can guard your heart with a contract.

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Thank you d0nnivain, I was looking for 'men' opinions, but thank you for your opinion as a "woman"

 

To answer your concerns:

I am 30 year olds financial independent woman. I move out and work full time since I was 18, given 12 years of working full time. I have enough money in my 'saving' to pay for my own maternity leave.

 

There no such thing as "maternity leave" in my marriage for the whole 9 months. I will continue to work even after I am pregnant, and my husband should not have a say in my choice of choose to work or not.

I never butt into his job choice, so he should not butt into my choice of choose to work.

There pregnant woman out there who still work throughout their pregnancy.

 

There won't be the possibility of that big of income differences of 3x more between us.

None of us have college degrees, nor the job skills to have good high salary paying jobs.

 

So we won't be waking up one day with the miracle that a big company will hired us, and pay us with high salary; due to we none have the needed skills+degree requirements.

And I am being realistic here with our circumstances. High pay jobs have lots of competition, they won't hire you if you don't have the degrees.

 

And even if I was pregnant, I am more than willing to pay 1/2 of my bills even on maternity leave. This is where the 'saving' money coming in for rainy days, and emergency use.

 

And even with kids in the pictures, it still be the same. Both of us will put out the same share of financially, and emotionally for our baby.

He can spoil them more if he wants, I will still give him the full freedom control over his money.

 

Thank you, but I prefer to hear the "MEN" views on my list please.

I know women will not agree with my "Financially Independent", and frankly I don't care women viewpoints. I just want the MEN view on my list.

Edited by asiangirl
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and #3, I might sound harsh on him, but I'm not.

I am 150cm tall girl, there things I can't do such as changing the lightbulb high up in the ceilings.

or fixed cars, that I don't know, he gonna have to help.

or like moving heavy furniture, he gonna have to help.

Is this too much to ask in a man?

 

This is almost nothing to ask a man. A good/real man already does all of these things and more because he loves you.

 

I cannot wait to get back into a relationship and do this stuff. I enjoy it very much. Especially saving money and getting better work done on cars by fixing them myself. Very rewarding.

 

Your man should already want to do these things.

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I think the being equal always is a problem. Equal now, fine. But you don't know what the future brings and part of marriage is being able to rely on the other when you need to. What if one of you were I'll? Or lost their job? What if one of you became a much bigger earner than the other?

 

And lose the cheating thing.

 

Otherwise a good arrangement to start off with but be prepared to modify it in the future.

 

I'm a man and with my wife for 20years

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evanescentworld
This is almost nothing to ask a man. A good/real man already does all of these things and more because he loves you.

 

I cannot wait to get back into a relationship and do this stuff. I enjoy it very much. Especially saving money and getting better work done on cars by fixing them myself. Very rewarding.

 

Your man should already want to do these things.

 

What a load of rubbish.

Any woman worth her salt can do these things herself, and where is it written anywhere that these are men's tasks and it makes them 'good/real' men?

My father wasn't handy around the house at all - my mum did all those jobs, and I can do them too. I can do all my own maintenance on a car, re-wire a house, and do many maintenance jobs. I enjoy it.

 

 

I'm sorry, but your response is stereotyping...

 

Also, OP, I would respectfully suggest you share the monthly mortgage payment equally, each month. Not alternate.

 

These rules are fine in the practical sense, but honestly, don't even mention cheating, infidelity of making love to someone outside the marriage. Unless, of course, you stick to exactly the same rules for yourself....

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Or lost their job? What if one of you became a much bigger earner than the other?

 

There won't be the possibility of much bigger income difference between us.

None of us have college degrees, nor the job skills to have good high salary paying jobs.

So we won't be waking up one day with the miracle that a big company will hired us, and pay us with high salary; due to we none have the needed skills+degree requirements.

High pay jobs have lots of competition, they won't hire you if you don't have the degrees.

 

And if one lost job, that is where the saving for rainy days and emergency coming in, we both have our saving.

And no such thing as lost job forever, there jobs EVERYWHERE out there, stop being picky for the high pay one, go get the average job out there, there PLENTY.

 

 

Too rigid. I'd pass.

Good for you.

I am far from rigid. I offer my help paying half of my fair share in rent/mortgage and household bills, is considered rigid? LMFAO!

 

If you happen to be the man that loves to pay everything for your girlfriend/wife, then go head pay everything. I'm sure there plenty of girls out there love to married you due to you pay for her 'everything'.

 

Too bad, I am sticking wtih my approach.

Rather the mortgage split half half, or he pay one month, I pay next month.

And if my man got a problem with that, then get rid of me, he go find another woman.

 

 

Anyways, THANK YOU for all the men viewpoint reply in this thread, appreciated.

Edited by asiangirl
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aussietigerwolf

Feel free to ignore me since im female but... You say there are tons of jobs out there but what are you going to do with the child once its born? Who is going to take care of it while you work? Your plans are too rigid for the uncertainties of life.

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I cna't speak for other people family circumstances, but I speak for me and my man circumstances.

 

Right now I work in the day shift, and he works in the evening/night shift. So in the daytime he going to help with the kid. And the evening time, I help with the kid.

And his mom can help watch for the 'couple hours differences' until one of us get back hom efrom work.

 

My plan is NOT rigid under my circumstances. It might be rigid for you cuze you are under a different circumstance than I am.

And telling my man to pay for everything is impossible, due to he doesn't even make enough to hold all the financial burden ALL on his own.

 

As for the kid, there are his side of the family can help out.

None of us going to be working from 8-5 with the same time, same shift, everyday.

Sure there are uncertainties in life, that is why you make sure you are responsible for your financial, and put in lots of saving.

So when unexpected things happened, you can use that saving to continue function your current life.

 

aussietigerwolf, let me ask you then

If your husband was out of his job, then what you do? Continue working to support him for those time he out of work?

Or further worse, if you are a stay home mom; and then YOUR husband is OUT of work, then what you gonna do? When you don't even have a job yourself.

Edited by asiangirl
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What a load of rubbish.

Any woman worth her salt can do these things herself, and where is it written anywhere that these are men's tasks and it makes them 'good/real' men?

My father wasn't handy around the house at all - my mum did all those jobs, and I can do them too. I can do all my own maintenance on a car, re-wire a house, and do many maintenance jobs. I enjoy it.

 

 

I'm sorry, but your response is stereotyping...

 

Also, OP, I would respectfully suggest you share the monthly mortgage payment equally, each month. Not alternate.

 

These rules are fine in the practical sense, but honestly, don't even mention cheating, infidelity of making love to someone outside the marriage. Unless, of course, you stick to exactly the same rules for yourself....

 

You have it all wrong.

 

There is nothing at all wrong with a man being a man and doing the physically demanding, dirty work that's way up high.

 

Take trash/refuse removal. Do you want to be all pig headed and prove your manliness by hauling out the smelly, leaky garbage bag dripping stink juice? No. It's a man's job. Sit back and enjoy NOT doing that while a good man does it for you.

 

How about car repair? Care to freeze your ass off, smashing and cutting your knuckles up while laying on the ground, ruining your clothes? Why would you? It's a blue job. No need to prove your manliness by doing it. Relax and let your man take care of it.

 

Broken sewer pipe, elbow deep in sewage? Again... no need to prove your masculinity.

 

Your response was weird. Not in your best interest.

 

A man can certainly sew and operate a daycare, but he sure as hell doesn't WANT to do these thngs any more than you want to reach into a sewer pipe. Men do these things because we like to keep things running well and shield our loved ones from discomfort.

 

The differences in gender are things to be celebrated, not marginalized.

 

Sure, you COULD do any of these nasty jobs, but why the hell would you want to, when you have a real, caring man doing them?

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evanescentworld
You have it all wrong.

 

There is nothing at all wrong with a man being a man and doing the physically demanding, dirty work that's way up high.

I didn't say there was. I merely pointed out that it's idiotic to allocate this job here and that job there when women are quite capable of being able to do them.

 

Take trash/refuse removal. Do you want to be all pig headed and prove your manliness by hauling out the smelly, leaky garbage bag dripping stink juice? No. It's a man's job. Sit back and enjoy NOT doing that while a good man does it for you.

My husband is currently away. I live with an elderly relative. Are you suggesting I let it all build up until we are together again?

 

[How about car repair? Care to freeze your ass off, smashing and cutting your knuckles up while laying on the ground, ruining your clothes? Why would you? It's a blue job. No need to prove your manliness by doing it. Relax and let your man take care of it.
you're being ridiculous now,,,

 

Broken sewer pipe, elbow deep in sewage? Again... no need to prove your masculinity.

Why do you insist such jobs are masculine? You're being totally sexist. If you were an employer you could be sued for such sentiments.

Your response was weird. Not in your best interest
.

Your responses are entirely inappropriate and completely unacceptable in this day and age.

 

A man can certainly sew and operate a daycare, but he sure as hell doesn't WANT to do these thngs any more than you want to reach into a sewer pipe. Men do these things because we like to keep things running well and shield our loved ones from discomfort.

Again, you are completely wrong. Are you living in the West, because you seem to be indoctrinated by some pretty archaic and utterly outdated thinking...

 

 

Sure, you COULD do any of these nasty jobs, but why the hell would you want to, when you have a real, caring man doing them?
One, because I have to, and two, because I want to. Just because you have been taught to partition tasks according to gender, doesn't make it right or appropriate.
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Uh, I don't see anything wrong in principle with most things you said, but IMO this is not the way to go about things. You don't hand your partner a literal list of rules you made and that they must adhere to, even if the rules are reasonable and your intentions benign. IF you absolutely must have explicit rules, then sit down with your partner together and find what works for both of you, come up with them together. Not hand him a list.

 

Also I think the cheating thing goes without saying. I mean, you don't currently have this 'contract' with him, does that mean that it's okay if he cheats on you currently?

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It not rules, it is what I want in MY relationship. Same to others, example of other couples when 1 person want kids and the other partner doesn't, the relationship won't work out.

Same here, when I said I want to split bills, and he doesn't want, it won't work out neither.

Don't forget, financial is one of the reason why couples broke up.

 

Elswyth,

I don't want him to feed me, I can feed myself. I am capable of putting in my fair share of paying bills. Or do you want me to pay everything and him living off me? Or vice versa?

IT IS VERY FAIR when I say I want to pay one month of rent/mortgage, and he pay the next month of rente/mortgage.

That is how I want the Financial to be, and if he go ta problem with me wanting to split half half on our household bills; then I don't see the point of conitnue this relationship.

 

Or do you want HIM paying ALL and EVERY MONTHS of the rent/mortgage? LOL! No way on earth my man can carried all the Financial on his owns, when is a poor man himself.

Trust me, when the couple are two poor people, it is NORMAL to be splitting half half on rent and bills.

 

And No, NONE of us are cheating on each others. We make it clear before we started our commited relationship. That we are exclusive, and we are sexually faithful to each others.

 

We did talk about this before we jump into this whole interracial relationship; and we make a promise none of us will cheats.

And IF for what ever reason IF one day we don't love each others anymore, we will be upfront and honest to each others about our feelings.

 

It is ALL about COMMUNICATION here, not a contract. It was never a contrat, it just a list of points I write down of how I wants things done.

And I don't found anything in my list unreasonable, since I am not using his money nor taking advantage of him in any ways.

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Elswyth,

I don't want him to feed me, I can feed myself. I am capable of putting in my fair share of paying bills. Or do you want me to pay everything and him living off me? Or vice versa?

IT IS VERY FAIR when I say I want to pay one month of rent/mortgage, and he pay the next month of rente/mortgage.

That is how I want the Financial to be, and if he go ta problem with me wanting to split half half on our household bills; then I don't see the point of conitnue this relationship.

 

Or do you want HIM paying ALL and EVERY MONTHS of the rent/mortgage? LOL! No way on earth my man can carried all the Financial on his owns, when is a poor man himself.

Trust me, when the couple are two poor people, it is NORMAL to be splitting half half on rent and bills.

 

Please re-read my post. I said nothing of the sort - I am suggesting that you have a two-way discussion with your partner about all this, instead of just handing him this list.

 

Also, I don't get why you keep talking about the rent when literally nobody on this thread has said that you should make him pay all of it. Nobody is saying you are wrong for splitting it! Relax.

 

And No, NONE of us are cheating on each others. We make it clear before we started our commited relationship. That we are exclusive, and we are sexually faithful to each others.

 

Excellent. Then why the need to bring it up again?

 

It is ALL about COMMUNICATION here, not a contract. It was never a contrat, it just a list of points I write down of how I wants things done.

And I don't found anything in my list unreasonable, since I am not using his money nor taking advantage of him in any ways.

 

I don't find your list unreasonable either, though LadyLuck does have a point in that cars and house needs fixing much less often than the dishes need to be done.

Edited by Elswyth
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troubledhusband

I think your entier list is radish.

 

If you plan on taking the relationship to the next level why must you have a list? Shouldn't the relationship be based on trust and feelings?

 

And even more so, everything on your list is just common sense with the exception of the slipt finances. Here's the thing, you should stop thinking about his and mine and start thinking about our!

 

Up to three months ago when my wife left me our finances has been combined since we moved in even though I make almost three tines as much as she dies and she spent three times as much as I did. I enjoyed her buying a new dress because it made her look good next to me.

 

Anyhow, that's my 2 cents.

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You have it all wrong.

 

There is nothing at all wrong with a man being a man and doing the physically demanding, dirty work that's way up high.

 

Take trash/refuse removal. Do you want to be all pig headed and prove your manliness by hauling out the smelly, leaky garbage bag dripping stink juice? No. It's a man's job. Sit back and enjoy NOT doing that while a good man does it for you.

 

How about car repair? Care to freeze your ass off, smashing and cutting your knuckles up while laying on the ground, ruining your clothes? Why would you? It's a blue job. No need to prove your manliness by doing it. Relax and let your man take care of it.

 

Broken sewer pipe, elbow deep in sewage? Again... no need to prove your masculinity.

 

Your response was weird. Not in your best interest.

 

A man can certainly sew and operate a daycare, but he sure as hell doesn't WANT to do these thngs any more than you want to reach into a sewer pipe. Men do these things because we like to keep things running well and shield our loved ones from discomfort.

 

The differences in gender are things to be celebrated, not marginalized.

 

Sure, you COULD do any of these nasty jobs, but why the hell would you want to, when you have a real, caring man doing them?

 

Good gawd, seriously!?!

 

First off, taking trash out is gender neutral. I am not sure what having the male appendage does to help with this, or actually, of these chores.

 

And who on earth things that I, or all women, wants to run a daycare!?!

 

what a load of crap.

 

And thank you but I was taught to change the tire, change the oil, etc. But we pay others to do this as we don't have the time or inclination. Just like we pay others to clean the house, mow the lawn, etc.

 

I guess I need to tell my husband he needs to turn in his man card. :laugh:

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It not rules, it is what I want in MY relationship. Same to others, example of other couples when 1 person want kids and the other partner doesn't, the relationship won't work out.

Same here, when I said I want to split bills, and he doesn't want, it won't work out neither.

Don't forget, financial is one of the reason why couples broke up.

 

Elswyth,

I don't want him to feed me, I can feed myself. I am capable of putting in my fair share of paying bills. Or do you want me to pay everything and him living off me? Or vice versa?

IT IS VERY FAIR when I say I want to pay one month of rent/mortgage, and he pay the next month of rente/mortgage.

That is how I want the Financial to be, and if he go ta problem with me wanting to split half half on our household bills; then I don't see the point of conitnue this relationship.

 

Or do you want HIM paying ALL and EVERY MONTHS of the rent/mortgage? LOL! No way on earth my man can carried all the Financial on his owns, when is a poor man himself.

Trust me, when the couple are two poor people, it is NORMAL to be splitting half half on rent and bills.

 

And No, NONE of us are cheating on each others. We make it clear before we started our commited relationship. That we are exclusive, and we are sexually faithful to each others.

 

We did talk about this before we jump into this whole interracial relationship; and we make a promise none of us will cheats.

And IF for what ever reason IF one day we don't love each others anymore, we will be upfront and honest to each others about our feelings.

 

It is ALL about COMMUNICATION here, not a contract. It was never a contrat, it just a list of points I write down of how I wants things done.

And I don't found anything in my list unreasonable, since I am not using his money nor taking advantage of him in any ways.

 

I have no issues with this. I actually make more than my husband but we do very well. I will say, just day to day practicality, remember who is paying what when will leaves this arrangement open to mistakes.

 

The arrangement that I had with my ex husband was we split the bills and paid our shares. So you were in charge of those bills. Or you guys can have one shared account, for bills, and put equal amounts into it and then have the rest of your money in separate accounts.

 

My husband and I have a shared account and separate accounts. But we have agreed on completely transparency in regards to finances.

 

To each their own. I would just advise to factor in some fluidity/compromise as life does throw curve balls. Don't assume just because you don't have college degrees you won't/can't move up in salary. This is not the case and I know many, especially in the hospitality/retail/food space where people work their way up to even the C suite based on hard work and sweat. Many are in six figure jobs who started off as bartenders and wait staff and customer service.

 

I am financial independent and plan to stay as such.

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Honestly there is nothing wrong with your list, if this is the agreement between you and your partner, go for it.

 

I understand all the very sensible things being said in this thread and without this is or needs to be an issue, perhaps there is a slight lack of understanding where asiangirl comes from. Now I don't know where you are from or live, and that might be besides the point anyway, but it can be easy to forget other people's backgrounds and cultural differences. In case you are from the U.S and have even lived there your entire life, it's still very possible your roots play a big part of your personality and life. Mindsets and the way we write things can be very different, just like it can be perceived so.

 

With that said and not to discredit any of the very wonderful and sensible things said in this thread, a lot that I agree with, I will say again that there is nothing wrong with your list, and I'm sure despite people have lists, they are still flexible enough to adapt to any given situation or scenario that could jeopardize said list.

 

This may be a rather dull response and while it can seem like not much was said besides just simply agreeing with op, sometimes that's all a person needs to hear. The fact that what you presented wasn't unreasonable in any way shape or form. Once again this doesn't mean that anything else added or said in this read isn't of great value too, because it most certainly was.

 

On a tiny derailed note, even if you currently reside in poverty, it is entirely possible to fight your way out of that. With effort and work most things are achievable even if you do not have any advanced education. There are actually man online websites that do provide you opportunities too to learn that are free. Anyway that's a completely different topic, just want to wish you well with your plan.

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thefooloftheyear

Listen to Elswyth....

 

Guy here...

 

List is too regimented...No one that I am aware of goes into it keeping score...That only happens when the talk of divorce comes into play, so dont put the cart before the horse..

 

I make a lot of money, what am I going to do then, make sure its "fair" by not being the heavy? Thats stupid..Both parties should work and contribute, but there doesnt have to be specific "you do this, I got that" crap...More often than not, things have a way of working out, without checklists and authorizations from the other party...Too officious..

 

Like the others said, if kids come along, is he prepared to carry the load? The way you structured it could be setting yourself up for a let down..

 

And the thing about the cheating need not be mentioned....Everyone knows its wrong...

 

Good luck.

 

TFY

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Or you guys can have one shared account, for bills, and put equal amounts into it and then have the rest of your money in separate accounts.

 

Yes I agree, this works well. Bills can be paid by standing order/direct debit straight from the shared account.

With a regular amount coming out of each individual account then it is easier to budget and saves arguments about who pays the bills. The shared account pays all the bills, household expenses, food etc.

Some individuals are careful with money and some aren't, the last thing you want is for your partner to tell you he cannot pay the mortgage this month out of his individual account, when it is his turn, because he has spent all his money.

A shared account and you both keep your individual accounts for personal expenses and money matters, is the way to go here.

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Thank you for all opinion,

But whatever, I have no intention to change my list. And if my man got a problem with my list, then he can go find another woman to married.

 

He needs to be Financial responsible. IF he spend up all his money and can't pay for his fair share of next month mortgage; then get his saving out to pay.

I am being VERY FAIR when I set the rule: I pay one month mortgage, he pay next month mortgage.

And I want household bills to split half half, evenly distribute out for us.

Fortunately for me, my man think my list is very fair. And he is more than THANKFUL to have the woman put in her fair Financial share.

 

These are my rules, and I refused to change s-h-i-t:

I don't sit around complain that my man make more, so I have to let him pay more, bull-s-h-i-t!

I am a woman and I NEVER ask him to feed me, so how dare him ask me to feed him?

He needs to learn how to be responsible with his money, so he can put in his fair share paying half the bills.

 

I will NOT allow him to pay all the bills by himself just because he is the 'man'

I will NOT allow him to pay MORE because he make more money than me. It will be equal, fair share in pay bills, period.

 

 

And Mod, if you happened to read this thread, please put a Lock on it.

I have no intention of change my list, so I don't feel the need to get more opinions.

And my list will remain the same, my man rather roll with it, or get out of this relationship.

I have nothing to be ashamed of when I ask him to follow my Financial list.

I am NOT spending a penny of his money, so he should NOT have anything to complain about.

Edited by asiangirl
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