Regrets – sleeping with only one woman

[CuriousJ]

Hello,

 

I am a 29 year old US male. First post and a long one, apologies.

 

I understand that there is a great thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/251662-sleep-one-women-my-whole-life which covers this topic, but it’s a little old so starting a new one. I have seen a few good discussions on this topic across the internet, not too many though. And that makes sense as reports indicate that 95% of Americans engage in pre-marital sex. Folks like myself it seems are very much in the minority. I sincerely hope this dialogue benefits my situation as well as others.

 

Firstly, the most common response I have seen to “will I have regrets with marrying the only person I have slept with?” is “no, because I have been there and done that and you are not missing anything” and “do not throw away a good thing by leaving your current lover”. Allow me to offer my thoughts on this as one of the 5%. If you (particularly if you are a male), have found this thread and are having these thoughts, I believe that you will most likely deeply regret it later at some point during your married life. For those in this predicament, I strongly recommend immediately talking directly with your lover. Let her know what is going on in your head. You don’t have to “throw away” anything necessarily. Talk it out and determine a plan. Just wanted to mention that as I was surprised this approach was not stressed more often.

 

So this is where I am...

 

I have known my wife for 9 years now and we have been married for over 4 years. However, I have recently been deeply regretting my choices of not involving myself more in the dating game earlier and this regret is resulting in some depression. I only had 2 girlfriends prior to my wife and no sex experience. I always just intensely focused on sports, studies, hobbies, and took care of those desires via other means. I love everything about my wife and our marriage. And we both do enjoy having sex with each other and I do have a rather high sex drive now. However, where I live in the world, beautiful women are everywhere all the time. And obtaining a beautiful companion is very easy here especially if you are a fit and decent looking foreigner also fluent in the local language and customs. I am now having a stronger and stronger desire to have sex with other women, but at the same time the love for my only wife is also increasing. In some ways I feel I only need a few experiences and just get it out of my system so to speak and these feelings would not exist if I had more of these experiences earlier in my life. I am also feeling that if I don’t have these experiences and opportunities now, then I will regret it even more in the future as my age progresses. The thought of me as an even older man still being tormented by these desires is not a pleasant one. In absolutely no situation would I ever hide anything from wife. So, I have discussed these feelings with her and she gets it because she understands me but is certainly reluctant to me exploring....which again is definitely something I would not do without her permission first...so that’s where I am now...

 

Any advice out there to help us get through this?

 

Thank you all very much for taking the time,

J

[d0nnivain]

Why not try to celebrate the fact that you got it right the 1st time? the rest of us wallowed around struggling to find the one, worried when the inevitable break ups happened.

 

Strange is not necessarily better.

 

Revamp your mind set to assume that you already have the best there is. Why would you want something less just because it was different?

[central]

I can understand her reluctance - do you understand it? What's in this for her? And how long does this go on? Would sex with one other woman one time suffice, for example?

 

What is her past experience with other lovers? Maybe the solution - if there really is any - is to do this exploration together, rather than you alone. By that, I mean swinging, as in both of you having sex with another couple. At least that way you are sharing an experience and are both present so there is no uncertainty or paranoia about what happened. Of course, there may be jealousy, but that is an even bigger risk if you pursue this on your own.

[central]

Why not try to celebrate the fact that you got it right the 1st time? the rest of us wallowed around struggling to find the one, worried when the inevitable break ups happened.

 

Strange is not necessarily better.

 

Revamp your mind set to assume that you already have the best there is. Why would you want something less just because it was different?

 

I agree with you - mostly. However, you can also look at this with a culinary metaphor. You may love prime rib, and there's nothing better, but having no other choice than prime rib and no basis for comparison that it's as good as claimed, may lessen its appeal.

 

Sometimes, you just want chicken!

 

And while chicken is good too, you may now really appreciate the prime rib.

[Standard-Fare]

I'll move right past trying to convince you that it's OK that you've only slept with one woman. Obviously you're beyond that stage.

 

If this is eating you alive you need to continue these conversations with your wife to find out what (if any) explorations she might be comfortable with you pursuing. It's such a dicey topic that you'll probably want to involve a third-party professional, such as a sex/relationship therapist.

 

My non-expert opinion is that this would need to be completely on your wife's terms. For example, would she want to choose the woman?*Would she want to witness or participate? Etc. etc. Also accept that if you open up that door for yourself, your wife should have the right to do the same if she wants.

 

Although you'll probably get some criticism here, I honestly think you have a decent mindset about this. You're recognizing your own urges, and you're not just keeping that a secret from your wife and going outside the marriage.

[d0nnivain]

You want to have chicken for dinner, be my guest.

 

You want to sleep with another woman, you can have that too but don't you even think about trying to come back to me. From her perspective you are telling her that she's not good enough.

 

Be careful. There may be no coming back from this. If you love your wife, are you really going to be happy giving her up for some strange? Instead of growing old together, you may end up alone. Is "strange" really worth that risk?

[elaine567]

You want to have chicken for dinner, be my guest.

 

You want to sleep with another woman, you can have that too but don't you even think about trying to come back to me. From her perspective you are telling her that she's not good enough.

 

Be careful. There may be no coming back from this. If you love your wife, are you really going to be happy giving her up for some strange? Instead of growing old together, you may end up alone. Is "strange" really worth that risk?

 

I agree and whilst your wife may be very happy to TALK through your problem, you, actually having sex with other women, I guess is NOT what she wants, whatever she may say.

This "problem" should have been addressed BEFORE you committed, and whilst she may agree to all sorts, because she loves you, the harm done to your marriage may be terminal here.

I suggest you think this through very, very carefully.

[Snaggletooth]

It's unlikely these thoughts will be tormenting when you are older, Curious. As we age we go can go through temporary phases of regret of how we spent our youth, or thinking the grass may be greener, or thinking we may have missed out on something. They are phases though. For most people they pass and they are glad they never changed/damaged their life by acting upon their thoughts.

[DKT3]

I agree and whilst your wife may be very happy to TALK through your problem, you, actually having sex with other women, I guess is NOT what she wants, whatever she may say.

This "problem" should have been addressed BEFORE you committed, and whilst she may agree to all sorts, because she loves you, the harm done to your marriage may be terminal here.

I suggest you think this through very, very carefully.

 

Having had many of these thoughts and feelings about 6 or 7 years into my own marriage, I can tell you it wasn't an issue at the start.

 

OP there is nothing to gain, and not worth the risk or danger you would open the door to in your marriage. You have a great marriage with a good woman don't mess it up.

 

My wife and I divorce (not for this reason) and I was able to explore other women, a lot of other women. They all had one thing in common, they weren't my wife.

 

I would love to believe that I would have remained faithful and not given into the urge to explore other women. However, having been able to do so I can tell you "YOUR NOT MISSING MUCH"

 

Since my history won't really make your urge go away, you have to talk to her about this, hell who knows you two may be able to work something out, maybe she has the same urge to explore other men, can you handle the thought of that? Whatever you do, don't let this fester and bred resentment.

[central]

My wife and I divorce (not for this reason) and I was able to explore other women, a lot of other women. They all had one thing in common, they weren't my wife.

 

I would love to believe that I would have remained faithful and not given into the urge to explore other women. However, having been able to do so I can tell you "YOUR NOT MISSING MUCH"

 

If you have a good marriage, don't mess it up over a regret. If you must pursue this, be very careful and be sure your wife is truly okay with whatever path this takes. If your marriage isn't that good, then there's not much to lose, is there?

 

I too divorced my ex, and was able to explore a lot of other women. No, they weren't my wife - they were all far better. Of course, my ex wasn't compatible in many ways, sexually being one the least compatible areas. Every woman is different sexually. You'd think there's not much difference between one vagina and the next, and that's kind of true. What really makes the difference is the personality and skill they bring to sex, and makes one very different than another, even when they may both be just as good, they will still be different.

[Davey L]

I went through a period of sleeping around when I was younger, maybe 10 or more per year. I now regret that. I don't think you are really missing anything.

 

With age I suspect this urge to try other women will go away. I'm late 40's now and having a casual ONS would be unthinkable for me; I would only ever want sex with someone I cared deeply for.

 

If you act on your urge I suspect you will come to regret that much more than you now regret not experiencing other women.

[Mr. Lucky]

I love everything about my wife and our marriage. And we both do enjoy having sex with each other

 

What is it you'd expect to get from this extra-marital encounter that you're not getting from your wife ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Realist3]

Talk about opening a dangerous can of worms. Everyone has regrets in life. if you end up going through with this with or without her permission I can almost guarantee you will have replaced this current regret with a regret that is 100 times larger, and most likely irreparable.

 

You are focused obviously, but try for a minute and put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if she came to you with this sexual regret? You would probably start to question a lot of things about yourself and your marriage,and I don't think any of those questions would be of a positive nature.

 

I have been my fair share of women, and as others have said you aren't missing much if anything. It is true. Is the great potential for harm and losing your marriage worth some pretty strange?

[labayer]

I never got this obsession about sleeping with as many women (or men) as possible before settling down. Do you really feel you regret that you didn't sleep with other women before you got married? Or is it just the idea of sleeping with them? The media and society tell us that you have to sleep with a ton of people before settling down, but I don't consider that to be the truth.

 

I'm not married yet, but I have slept with a bunch of guys before meeting my now boyfriend (who is the one for me). That doesn't mean I'm proud of that or that I really needed to do this before settling down. It just means that I was looking for the right man a long time and I wasn't lucky enough to find the right person at such a young age, like you (well, I found mine with 25, not solo much later).

 

Of course you're wife is reluctant to you sleeping with other women. How would you feel if she told you she wants to sleep with other men? Would you be ok with that? If you really love your wife and want this marriage to work, give up on that idea. You really don't miss out on anything - I know I'm not the first person telling you this, but it's true.

[oldshirt]

Hello,

 

I am a 29 year old US male. First post and a long one, apologies.

 

I understand that there is a great thread here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/getting-married/251662-sleep-one-women-my-whole-life which covers this topic, but it’s a little old so starting a new one. I have seen a few good discussions on this topic across the internet, not too many though. And that makes sense as reports indicate that 95% of Americans engage in pre-marital sex. Folks like myself it seems are very much in the minority. I sincerely hope this dialogue benefits my situation as well as others.

 

Firstly, the most common response I have seen to “will I have regrets with marrying the only person I have slept with?” is “no, because I have been there and done that and you are not missing anything” and “do not throw away a good thing by leaving your current lover”. Allow me to offer my thoughts on this as one of the 5%. If you (particularly if you are a male), have found this thread and are having these thoughts, I believe that you will most likely deeply regret it later at some point during your married life. For those in this predicament, I strongly recommend immediately talking directly with your lover. Let her know what is going on in your head. You don’t have to “throw away” anything necessarily. Talk it out and determine a plan. Just wanted to mention that as I was surprised this approach was not stressed more often.

 

So this is where I am...

 

I have known my wife for 9 years now and we have been married for over 4 years. However, I have recently been deeply regretting my choices of not involving myself more in the dating game earlier and this regret is resulting in some depression. I only had 2 girlfriends prior to my wife and no sex experience. I always just intensely focused on sports, studies, hobbies, and took care of those desires via other means. I love everything about my wife and our marriage. And we both do enjoy having sex with each other and I do have a rather high sex drive now. However, where I live in the world, beautiful women are everywhere all the time. And obtaining a beautiful companion is very easy here especially if you are a fit and decent looking foreigner also fluent in the local language and customs. I am now having a stronger and stronger desire to have sex with other women, but at the same time the love for my only wife is also increasing. In some ways I feel I only need a few experiences and just get it out of my system so to speak and these feelings would not exist if I had more of these experiences earlier in my life. I am also feeling that if I don’t have these experiences and opportunities now, then I will regret it even more in the future as my age progresses. The thought of me as an even older man still being tormented by these desires is not a pleasant one. In absolutely no situation would I ever hide anything from wife. So, I have discussed these feelings with her and she gets it because she understands me but is certainly reluctant to me exploring....which again is definitely something I would not do without her permission first...so that’s where I am now...

 

Any advice out there to help us get through this?

 

Thank you all very much for taking the time,

J

 

 

A few things to note here -

 

- you will never get "it" out of your system, for 'it' IS the system. You will always have an urge for some form of variety and different experience to one degree or another. You do not simply scratch that itch once or twice and have it be gone forever no matter how hard you try to convince yourself and others that it will be.

 

- your post sounds kind of ME ME ME ME! yes you are having yearnings for variety - I hate to be the one to break it to you but she is having some yearnings for strange too even though she is required by chick-code to deny it to you and to herself and to the rest of the world.

 

It is yearnings like this that lead people into swinging and open marriage etc.

 

Since you are stating only that you are having urges for variety and are open about the fact you have no complaints against your wife or any dissatisfaction with her, and since you have been open with her about YOUR yearnings.....

 

...my suggestion is that you open the door to discuss HER yearnings and fantasies and stuff as well and as a couple discuss ways to keep both of you engaged and pursue both of your desires and such together as a couple.

 

To put it simply, open the doors of communication regarding mutual desires and discuss the possibilities of some form of consensual nonmonogamy ie swinging, open marriage, polyamory etc.

 

Now keep in mind that just because you discuss it, that does not mean you have to run out and do it that night.

 

My wife and I have been in the swinging lifestyle for multiple years and it took about two years from the first discussion until we had actual sex with other people. That time line is not unusually long or short.

 

Her "reluctance" to this topic is partly that you probably made it all about your desire for strange and didn't bring her into the loop to discuss her desires. And the other part of it is Chick-Code requires her to say no initially. Once you empower her to discuss her desires and yearnings naps well as her boundaries and limits and requirements and do not judge her or condem her desires as slutty or improper, the sky really is the limit on what you can do as a couple.

[momof6]

So I was re reading the replies & it seems the consensus about how men show their love & affection best via sex!!!

I just dont get that. Why cant a man just be loving & affectionate without it always ending in sex.

Dont get me wrong,there are times I enjoy sex & am "in the mood" but much of the time I just might like to cuddle,enjoy a back rub,foot rub, not followed by sex.

I just dont get why men cant do this too.

My hubby has really never been a romantic ,so it's not like he is all of a sudden going to become one I know. And in the past I have expressed that I would enjoy the above mentioned things but it is short lived & he always wants it to lead to sec !!!

Neither of us are the best communicators ,especially with each ither.

He comes from parents where the dad made the decisions & the rules & his mom would go along with whatever the dad said.

She never made any decisions of her own but i guess that worked for yhem they've been married 67 years !!!

But I cant be that "obedient"little wifey...

I DO have my own opinions,I am my own person,I do not & will not be dictated to. I dont think he likes that I am not a "yes to everything wife"!!!

Like I said this is how his mom was & I am not his mom!!!

My priorities in life are not how clean I can keep my house, having a hot cooked meal on the table at precisly 6:00 p.m. every night,etc.et .

This is not who I am & he doesnt like this !!!

I am going to make an effort to "make changes" in myself to improve things & am going to get a referral for therapy.

My hubby will def.not go to therapy. He foesnt believe in therapy!!! But I feel I need this for myself...

2 of my older children have gone to therapy due to anxiety and/or depression issues but he felt therapy wasnt needed.

I am an advocate for youth with mental health issues as our 19 year old daughter has dealt with mental health issues for years

[Tayla]

Momof6- Can you kindly give advice, it seems like your post was highjacking his thread, and I am sure that wasn't the intent.

 

OP- Your desires are normal and inquisitive. Keep them that way. Somethings do not need to be experienced particularly when vows were taken to assure that fidelity be honored.

may want to rephrase the "meat" comparison, people are more then that in life.

 

Few folks want to climb a hill when they conquered Mt Everest.

[Standard-Fare]

I notice that everyone here reassuring the OP that "it's not worth it" to sleep with a lot of different people are also those who have already been there, done that themselves. (And yeah, I feel the same exact way...random hookups are just not that fulfilling or even physically satisfying at the end of the day.)

 

But would we have this same perspective/wisdom if we hadn't gained it from firsthand experience and failures?

 

OP, I don't think you told us if your wife was also a virgin when you got married. If she was, has she expressed any similar regrets? Also, in your early conversations about this, has she seemed even MILDLY receptive to the idea of you "exploring," or does that option seem completely offensive to her?

 

I think the way you approach this depends on your wife. If she's an open-minded and experimental person herself, you might have a chance of going somewhere with this. But if she makes it clear she can't accept that, you'd be doing great destruction to your marriage and you really do need to think hard about whether that's worth it.

[momof6]

So sorry i am new here & was trying to post on a different thread.

Can someone delete my post on here ?

Again am so sorry

[still_an_Angel]

You're already regretting your situation, I don't think that this will just go away, it will fester and your resentment will build up. Communicate all your thoughts and needs to your wife, try to make her understand. It's either she's on board or not before you go and pursue your interest. Bear in mind though, you might end up with a bigger regret as a consequence of your decision. People can't tell you what you're missing or not missing, only your own personal experience will tell you that.

[spanz1]

that is a dangerous can of worms to open...it might have snakes inside instead!

 

 

role play is your friend here. Role play her being another woman you picked up in a bar, and see if that satisfies your mental curiousity.

 

 

If you are so wrapped up in sex with another woman, how about hire a hooker to come to your house for a FMF with your wife there. That way you see what it is like, and there is no emotional attachment possible. Your wife, bless her soul, is probably worried that you just trolling for some trim by yourself will end up in a divorce. And she would be right to be worried!

 

 

IF she is up for it, you might have a FMF with one of her girlfriends...but that is starting to creep over the line.

 

 

And you do have to realize...if you go out and find a woman to screw....she might just decide that your penis is inadequate and go find a bigger one to service her....and maybe not come back.

[CuriousJ]

Thanks everyone, many interesting and unique perspectives and suggestions in all of these responses and I am truly grateful.

 

It's unlikely these thoughts will be tormenting when you are older, Curious. As we age we go can go through temporary phases of regret of how we spent our youth, or thinking the grass may be greener, or thinking we may have missed out on something. They are phases though. For most people they pass and they are glad they never changed/damaged their life by acting upon their thoughts.

 

 

Snaggletooth, thank you, that is reassuring. How many other folks agree that this something which will pass with time? Is there anyone out there who is older and well into their marriage, but now has regrets of not discussing with spouse more on the topic of exploring when they were younger and earlier in their marriage?

 

Please. It goes both ways.

 

I agree. If a virgin and with little relationship experience, prior to settling down, I highly recommend partners having serious discussions about exploring with others first.

 

 

I notice that everyone here reassuring the OP that "it's not worth it" to sleep with a lot of different people are also those who have already been there, done that themselves. (And yeah, I feel the same exact way...random hookups are just not that fulfilling or even physically satisfying at the end of the day.)

 

 

 

But would we have this same perspective/wisdom if we hadn't gained it from firsthand experience and failures?

 

 

OP, I don't think you told us if your wife was also a virgin when you got married. If she was, has she expressed any similar regrets? Also, in your early conversations about this, has she seemed even MILDLY receptive to the idea of you "exploring," or does that option seem completely offensive to her?

 

 

 

I think the way you approach this depends on your wife. If she's an open-minded and experimental person herself, you might have a chance of going somewhere with this. But if she makes it clear she can't accept that, you'd be doing great destruction to your marriage and you really do need to think hard about whether that's worth it.

 

Thank you Standard on the perspective comment. Yes, I would like to hear from those as well who were virgins going into marriage and how they have handled these feelings as their marriage progressed. My wife was also a virgin before us having sex. And yes, you are again right that she is the key here. As stated I would not take any actions without her permission first and I will continue to discuss with her. She does not have similar regrets. The thought of her having sex with other guys is fine with me. The thought of various threesomes and what have you with her involved is fine with me also. She is not so open it seems, but we do joke about the ideas in daily conversation I would say. Also, just wanted to mention that we are not particularly religious as that is a common reason cited for waiting until marriage.

 

J

[Ducky71]

OP-Here's my .02

 

 

You're not missing anything. Being intimate with the one person you love more than life itself is the gold standard, it doesn't get any better than that. You just happened to be one of the few lucky ones who didn't have to wade through miles of misfits, hurt feelings and nutjobs to find her.

 

 

I would trade every single sexual experience for just one with the love of my life...okay, maybe more than just one...

 

 

Early mid-life crisis maybe?

 

 

As long as you communicate well with your wife, good things will happen. Keep that up. I don't think you realize how many people can't just lay it all out there, for whatever reason, sounds like you've got a good one!

 

 

I have no advice per se, just to say that you're not missing out on anything. I'd much rather have had just one lover and be happy with her than to have had hundreds and be alone.

Edited November 27, 2014 by Ducky71

[braindamage]

Either you picked this hand of cards yourself or it's just what life happened to deal you. Either way now you've got to play them - don't rig the game.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

How many other folks agree that this something which will pass with time?

 

i strongly disagree. It does not get better with time. I believe it is hard wired into us and is just part and parcel of being human. It's something that everyone has and it's something that does need to be addressed and each couple needs to have a plan on how they are going to deal with it as a couple. Now most couples plan for dealing with it are to grit your teeth and live with it but don't act on it, but there are other options and each couple needs to discuss various options and come up with what they can mutually agree on and can live with.

 

 

Is there anyone out there who is older and well into their marriage, but now has regrets of not discussing with spouse more on the topic of exploring when they were younger and earlier in their marriage?

 

i am 50, married for 19 years. We were both adults with prior experiences when we met but we have also discussed this as a couple and discussed how we were going to address it as a married couple. We did have a completely monogamous traditional marriage with two kids and then began discussing the possibility of swinging at around our ten year anniversary. I am glad we did discuss it and come up with mutual agreements and were able to work together to address those yearnings

 

 

 

I agree. If a virgin and with little relationship experience, prior to settling down, I highly recommend partners having serious discussions about exploring with others first.

 

that is kind of like two little boys showing up for their first little league practice and discussing how they are going to manage their major league product endorsement contracts - they have no frame of reference.

 

When people meet and fall in love and want to get married and have a home and family together, they have no concept of the urges for variety that they will have in 10, 15 or 20 years down the road. When you are starting out your discussions are,' should we rent or buy a house?' And should we get a mini van now or wait till the kids are born?"

 

When people want to be with someone and want to make a home and family with them, that is what their focus is on. They have no concept of what life will be like a decade or more down the road.

 

 

As stated I would not take any actions without her permission first and I will continue to discuss with her. She does not have similar regrets. The thought of her having sex with other guys is fine with me. The thought of various threesomes and what have you with her involved is fine with me also.

 

as someone who was highly involved in the swinging lifestyle for several years and still has many friends who are in the lifestyle, I can say that you are at the stage that you can begin having open dialogue about it. That doesn't mean that you are necessarily going to run out and do it, but you can begin the discussions of it and get each other's thoughts and feelings about it and begin discussing what each of your interests are and what your boundaries and limits and such would be.

 

 

She is not so open it seems, but we do joke about the ideas in daily conversation I would say.

 

a couple things here...

 

- Chick Code requires that women squash down the idea of swinging/open marriage etc when it is first brought up no matter how bad they want to try it.

 

- it's time to stop joking about it. It's time to open up actual open, thoughtful discussion on it and both of you share your true thoughts and opinions and desires and fears etc about it.

 

- how she responds to it will be dependent on how it fits into the general context of your marriage and relationship. What that means is it has to be discussions about your relationship and how to address various desires and yearnings and fantasies within your relationship and not about -"I-want-to-have-sex-with-other-people, do-you-want-to-do-that-as-well?"

 

It has to be a "we" discussion and not an "I" or "you" discussion.

 

In other words it has to be a discussion about your sexual dynamics as couple and whether you will allow others into your marital bed as part of your dynamics as a couple, rather than simply asking if you sleeping with other women is ok.

 

I guarantee you if you simply ask her if you can boink other women or if you ask her if she wants to boink other men - her answer is going to be no.....and it may even be "HELL NO! And you can sleep on the couch for a month for even asking!"

 

But if you frame the discussion within the context of your marriage and discuss it as exploring other avenues and adventures together as a couple and take tiny baby steps along the way, she may go for it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

J

 

 

Responses in bold above