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Married 26 years & very unhappy


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Hi, I have been with my s.o. for 33 years all total. Of those 33 years wr've been married 26 . Things were fine oh the first 10-15 years of marriage but the past 10 or so have been far from happy :(

We have 6 kids ages now are 7-25 & my kids are my world.

I have been a sahm for 25 years. So I have no income of my own.

My husband is the financial provider & he works very hard & long hours to support our family.

But that is where the support ends.

He offers no emotional support at all.

I am left to deal with the kids all on my own.

He is very unsupportive when it comes to issues at school or with personal issues agfecting me or the kids.

Years back he used to tell me he loves me & show it .

I dont even know how many years its been since he told me he loves me or showed it.

He thinks by paying the bills & buying groceries & keeping tje cars running that is showing love!!!!

We have grown so far apart over the years & continue to.

We sleep in seperate beds (my choice) as I have no desire to sleep with him or be intimate with him at all.

Only time he wants anything to do with me is for sec but I have no desire to do this at all.

It has come to the point I dont want to spend any time with him or even be in the same room !!!

My kids are all old enough with exception of the 7 year old,to pick up on our unhappiness.

It is not really the kids why I stay in this loveless,unhappy marriage.

Mostly its financial reasons.

I have no means to support myself if I were to leave.Nowhere to live with the kids. So I shall remain as long as my kids are under the same roof. I feel bad for them though cuz they know how unhappy our marriage is & its stressful on them too :(

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Since you make no mention of abuse, addiction, adultery or abandonment and since you stated the first half of the marriage was good, I will go with a working assumption that the marriage can and possibly should be salvaged.

 

 

I will address a few specific comments below in bold.

 

 

 

 

Hi, I have been with my s.o. for 33 years all total. Of those 33 years wr've been married 26 . Things were fine oh the first 10-15 years of marriage but the past 10 or so have been far from happy :(

 

 

Unhappy or problematic? There is a difference. Please be specific.

 

 

 

 

We have 6 kids ages now are 7-25 & my kids are my world.

 

 

How many are still minor children living in the home?

 

 

 

 

I have been a sahm for 25 years. So I have no income of my own.

 

 

What is stopping you from getting a job and source of income now?

 

 

 

 

My husband is the financial provider & he works very hard & long hours to support our family.

 

 

That is good to hear. more on this shortly

 

 

But that is where the support ends.

He offers no emotional support at all.

 

 

 

 

Emotional support is something women do. do you have any close female friends, relatives, neighbors, other moms in the soccer club, clergy etc that can be giving you some emotional support and handing you Kleenex when you cry.

Husbands and men in general make shtty girlfriends. You have to have girlfriends in order to feel a well-rounded system of emotional support.

You can kick your husband to the curd and marry a new, younger, fitter, handsomer man, but if you don't have any girlfriends you will still feel very emotionally unfulfilled.

I am left to deal with the kids all on my own.

 

 

Why??? What other resources do you have available to help manage kids?

 

 

 

 

He is very unsupportive when it comes to issues at school or with personal issues agfecting me or the kids.

 

 

I'll be blunt, if I had to work to support 6 kids and have my wife be a SAHM, I would miss quite a few parent-teacher conferences as well.

If a kid is sick, I would not be the one taking the day off to stay home.

Now I am not saying that because he brings home the bacon that he gets to plop on the couch with a bowl of Cheetos infront of the TV all night but we do need to keep things in perspective.

 

 

 

 

Years back he used to tell me he loves me & show it .

I dont even know how many years its been since he told me he loves me or showed it.

He thinks by paying the bills & buying groceries & keeping tje cars running that is showing love!!!!

 

 

Ok this is where you really need to pay attention. He IS showing his love and devotion to the family by paying bills and groceries and keeping the cars on the road!!!!!!!

I am a man and if you believe nothing else a man ever tells you, believe this - Men do not work their hands raw and support women and families they do not love. The fact that he kept fathering and supporting kid after kid after kid after kid, indicates to me he is a family man and does believe in supporting a family.

What you have here is a case of having different "LOVE LANGUAGES". What that means is you each show love in a way different that how you want to receive love.

He is showing you his love by working God knows how much to feed, house and support your 6 kids which are Your World."

You however don't really see that or give it full credit because your 'love language' is different and you want him to do something else to show his love.

more on this later too......

 

 

 

 

 

 

We have grown so far apart over the years & continue to.

We sleep in seperate beds (my choice) as I have no desire to sleep with him or be intimate with him at all.

 

 

This is why he is not lovey-dovey with you. He isn't romantic and lovey-dovey with you because you have turned cold and bitter and resentful and have moved out of the marital bed.

 

 

 

 

Only time he wants anything to do with me is for sec but I have no desire to do this at all.

 

 

 

 

Here is page #1 of 5 page book on understanding everything there is to know about men - Men give and receive love and respect through their sexuality. (the other 4 pages of the book have things to do with power tools and guns and cars and such)

 

What that means is sexuality is a critical component of man's primary relationship. If the sexuality is there, his partner is his queen that he will lay down and die for and will run into a burning building to save and will slay dragons for etc.

 

If a woman is not sexual with him, she is just another one of 3 billion women in the world and nothing special at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It has come to the point I dont want to spend any time with him or even be in the same room !!!

 

 

It is a viscious cycle and things are in a multi-year downward spiral. You feel unsupported and unappreciated so you don't feel sexual or romantic with him.

Since you are cold to him sexually he feels no particular love or passion or warmth or cuddles for you.

In order for your marriage to survive, this cycle must be broken.

It will likely require some pretty intensive professional therapy to do that. more on that later.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

My kids are all old enough with exception of the 7 year old,to pick up on our unhappiness.

It is not really the kids why I stay in this loveless,unhappy marriage.

Mostly its financial reasons.

 

 

 

 

So you are using and exploiting him for financial support.

If he were the one writing in to this forum, I would advise him to encourage you to get a job and then once you had a somewhat self-supportive job, then file for divorce and move on.

 

 

He is obligated to support his children. He is not obligated to support you. (in a moral and ethical sense. The legalities of spousal support are complex and up to the court)

 

 

I have no means to support myself if I were to leave.

 

 

Change that ASAP for both of your benefits.

 

 

Nowhere to live with the kids.

 

 

Again, how many MINOR children are still in the home?

 

 

If you were to divorce amicably and cooperatively, the kids would have two houses.

 

 

So I shall remain as long as my kids are under the same roof.

 

 

 

 

And you expect your husband to feed you, cloth you, provide you shelter etc so that you can walk away when the youngest kid is 18? Where is his incentive to keep you around at all.

 

 

 

 

I feel bad for them though cuz they know how unhappy our marriage is & its stressful on them too :(

 

 

I hate to burst your "the-world-revolves-around-me" viewpoint but they really don't give a hoot about your 'happiness.' Their concern is that they are in a safe and supportive home that is loving and supportive to THEM.

Your happiness issues are on you and up to you to address. You can't pin this on them and you cannot hold them responsible for you staying and enduring an unhappy marriage.

It's not fair to hold children responsible for you choosing to be in a miserable marriage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a couple more points in no particular order -

 

 

- You bitch about your husband but he is actually a good man from your description. He has supported a wife and 6 kids for years and years and his wife has been cold and unappreciative of him for more than a decade.

 

 

Most men would have taken a lover on the side or would have just worked out a divorce plan and left...and some of us would have been supportive and would have advised them on how to do it.

 

 

- Now I'm not saying that your complaints aren't legit, they are. And I am not saying your feelings aren't valid, they are too. But what I am saying is you have lost track of your feelings for each other because you have been so bogged down in raising a litter that the grind of daily life has lead you develop resentments and bitterness.

 

 

- he is likely growing his own set of resentments and bitterness too. Chances are both of you are miserable. The good news is that gives you something in common and something you can work together towards a common goal.

 

 

- I'm going to recommend two books. The first is called "the Five Love Languages" I really think you both do love each other but you give and receive love differently and so you don't recognize that the other person is showing their love to you.

 

 

and the other is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlesinger.

 

 

Now many dissatisfied wives will take offense at the title of that book because they already feel like they are carrying the load and that the husband should be the one rubbing their feet at the end of the day. But her premise is very simple and that is that men are very simple and women are very complex. Women cannot truly be satisfied, they will always want more. But men's needs are very simple and basic and if their needs are met, they will step up to the plate and give it their best effort and often if a woman can see that he is making his best effort, that is good enough.

 

 

- And finally, you have long term, chronic bitterness and resentment and dissatisfaction issues. This will probably require some serious professional therapy to resolve. This has festered for many years and it is not going to go away in a period of weeks or months.

 

 

- if there is a ray of hope it is that things were good in the beginning and you haven't mentioned any of the deal breakers like abuse or adultery etc so there's no reason to believe that this can not be turned around. It will take work and communication etc but it can be done and it can work if you want it to and are willing to give it an honest try.

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Does your husband know how you feel? Do you ever tell him that you're not happy and that you miss things like him telling you that he loves you or being intimate with each other on an emotional level? If not, please tell him. There is a chance he doesn't even know how you feel.

 

Also, do YOU tell him that you love him? Do you kiss him, hug him, make him feel loved and wanted? If not, how can you blame him? If you don't act like the woman he married, a woman that told him that she loves him, a woman that wants to be emotionally and physically intimate with him (and sleep in one bed), how can you expect him to be the same?

 

And: Do you love him? If so, why don't you try counselling?

If that doesn't work out (or you don't love him anyway anymore) I would consider divorce. Yes, you don't have a job, but there are always ways. He will have to give you money anyway, plus you can get a job, at least part-time.

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Hi, I have been with my s.o. for 33 years all total. Of those 33 years wr've been married 26 . Things were fine oh the first 10-15 years of marriage but the past 10 or so have been far from happy :(

We have 6 kids ages now are 7-25 & my kids are my world.

I have been a sahm for 25 years. So I have no income of my own.

My husband is the financial provider & he works very hard & long hours to support our family.

But that is where the support ends.

He offers no emotional support at all.

I am left to deal with the kids all on my own.

He is very unsupportive when it comes to issues at school or with personal issues agfecting me or the kids.

Years back he used to tell me he loves me & show it .

I dont even know how many years its been since he told me he loves me or showed it.

He thinks by paying the bills & buying groceries & keeping tje cars running that is showing love!!!!

We have grown so far apart over the years & continue to.

We sleep in seperate beds (my choice) as I have no desire to sleep with him or be intimate with him at all.

Only time he wants anything to do with me is for sec but I have no desire to do this at all.

It has come to the point I dont want to spend any time with him or even be in the same room !!!

My kids are all old enough with exception of the 7 year old,to pick up on our unhappiness.

It is not really the kids why I stay in this loveless,unhappy marriage.

Mostly its financial reasons.

I have no means to support myself if I were to leave.Nowhere to live with the kids. So I shall remain as long as my kids are under the same roof. I feel bad for them though cuz they know how unhappy our marriage is & its stressful on them too :(

 

Before I read oldshirt's response I was going to respond very simply: I with you sister.

 

I have been married for 18 years, together for 22 with 5 children ranging from 9-20. I am just crawling out of the same boat. Hard working husband, myself a Stay - at - home - mother (although I run a home daycare out of our home so I make a contribution income wise) and was sleeping in separate beds.

I do everything for my children in regards to school/sports/Dr. Appointments/driving to school...ect I was over exhausted and felt little support. So rather then fix it... I dwelled in it.

 

Question: would you change your opportunity to be a at - home mom?

 

Of course if you died tomorrow your dh would have to figure it out but for now I am sure it was a mutual decision to stay home with the kids and something, like I was in the beginning was passionate about. Remember why you made that decision and what sacrifices BOTH of you made to have that as an accomplishment.

 

I am in therapy now. It helps tremendously to realize that although I thought I could go and bitch about my husband and she was going to agree and understand with her lead and 5 sessions later we have yet to discuss him hardly (very minimally and she doesn't seem interested when the topic comes up, the focus is on me) first 2 sessions I was angry about it thinking "this is why I'm here"!! Now I know I'm there to rediscover *me*. We are so consumed and lost in our children's physical needs that when they for the most part are self sufficient we are left all day to think, fester and resent or husbands that in fact not much really has changed with them. It's us that's changed.

 

First thing you need to do is write down what you are going to do to take care of you. Mind, body and soul. She recommended me write a gratitude journal daily and angry notes. The angry not I was to write (and I could do this pages and pages long) then I was to rip them up and throw them away as soon as I was done.

 

If by all efforts (and it takes a lot of work, patience, endurance and pushing your ego aside) there is not a change on his part at all at least *you* are happier working on you. That is what is most important.

 

My first goal was to sleep in the same bed with him EVERY SIN LE NIGHT. This was very hard for me for the first 2 weeks and I was exhausted but now, 3 months later I have to sleep in my bed. The exchange, without prompt my dh felt it was time to redecorate our room. New curtains, bedding, furniture and art. Now I look forward to going to bed in *our* bed. We have created a soothing and relaxing environment together.

 

Hang in there. We are normal!! This happens a lot to many women particularly us at home moms to many. Most people couldn't wrap their heads around this many kids and are often overwhelmed by the few they have. Don't be a *mommy martyr*. You aren't perfect, you make mistakes and you can *only* fix you. Good things will follow if you do.

 

Good luck!

 

Keep us posted!

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"Only time he wants anything to do with me is for sec(x) but I have no desire to do this at all."

 

this is pretty simple stuff. Guys show their affection and communicate thru sex. If you turn him down, for whatever reason you use to justify it, he gets the message that you no longer care or love him...he then slinks off to the corner of the room like a hurt puppy and stops initiating ANY contact with you.

 

 

This is your doing, and if you want a change, it is up to you to fix it. Start by having sex with him again. Its not a big deal, just sit next to him and say someting like "i was thinking that we need to have more sex in our marriage, i really miss things like they were" and take him to bed. See if THAT makes him more interested in you.

 

 

Hopefully its not too late for your marriage, you screwed it up good.

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To oldshirt & spanza1:

I know I am not blameless s to what has happened in our marriage.

But I am rather offended that you both place the blame on me mainly cuz we dont sleep in the same bed & I do not enjoy being intimate with him.

I might enjoy being intimate with him if it wasnt the only thing he wants from me besides the sole care of our kids.

He could show affection in other ways first instead of just wanting to strip off & go in for the kill!!!!!!

We used to hold hands when walking together ,a nice back rub being offered at night would be nice, asking & really caring/listening about my day & whats going on with our childrens lives,an unexpected kiss on the neck when i'm washing dishes or folding clothes!!!

And i'm sure you're going to ask "do i do such things for him?

Well not prsently but yes in the past i did !!!

So i know we bothhave to make changes but i dint think its fair for either of you to insinuate this is all my doing !!!

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Read two pop psychology books called The Care and Feeding of a Marriage and the Care and Feeding of Husbands. Some of it is rubbish & it's a bit sexist. But there are few grains of truth about how to possibly reconnect.

 

You have a lot at stake here. How will you support yourself & your dependent children if you divorce? How will the kids react?

 

The poster who said that men need sex to feel loved & women need love to feel sexy hit part of your problem on the head.

 

Have you told him or asked him to be more verbally loving? Have you tried going on a date with him that ends in intimacy? What would make you want to stay in your marriage? If he gave you those things would you be willing to work things out even if you had to do things that perhaps aren't on the top of your list?

 

Have you tried marriage counseling? I had to see somebody throw out that much without fighting for your marriage.

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you and your husband have very different ways of showing love/affection. THAT is clear. What I am suggesting is give in to his sexual moves, get him a little open and vulnerable, THEN work on getting what YOU need out of him. You need to COMMUNICATE what you need though, he can not mind read it, nor can men usually pick up on subtle nuances. You need to use your "womanly wiles" to get him to do what you like. For example, if you can get him to give you a nice body massage, then follow it up with some wild sex--a type of sex HE loves! He might, subconsciously, get the connection. :)

 

 

Maybe find some really sexy TV shows for the two of you to watch, then afterwards see if you can not spark some romance out of him? It is off for a few months, but Outlander on Starz works pretty well for that.

 

 

And never discount the need for some visual stimulation. A little lingerie, sexy panties, short dress, plunging blouse...all help get his mind into the right zone.

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To oldshirt & spanza1:

I know I am not blameless s to what has happened in our marriage.

But I am rather offended that you both place the blame on me mainly cuz we dont sleep in the same bed & I do not enjoy being intimate with him.

I might enjoy being intimate with him if it wasnt the only thing he wants from me besides the sole care of our kids.

He could show affection in other ways first instead of just wanting to strip off & go in for the kill!!!!!!

We used to hold hands when walking together ,a nice back rub being offered at night would be nice, asking & really caring/listening about my day & whats going on with our childrens lives,an unexpected kiss on the neck when i'm washing dishes or folding clothes!!!

And i'm sure you're going to ask "do i do such things for him?

Well not prsently but yes in the past i did !!!

So i know we bothhave to make changes but i dint think its fair for either of you to insinuate this is all my doing !!!

 

Read my post again, never once did I insinuate that this is all your doing. It is not. It is a complex dynamic played out over decades that both of you as well as your family situation and a million other factors have contributed to.

 

You are not to blame but neither are you a hapless victim. If you are unable to realize some accountability, you will be unable to affect any change.

 

Your husband has accountability too. The two of got to where you are and it will take both of you to change it whether that be by divorce or reconciliation.

 

As far as the sexual component, I am only citing fact. Men give and receive love etc through their sexualities. A man can't love and be warm and cuddly with a woman who is not sexually available to him.

 

I understand you have a lack of desire and attraction for him and I'm not saying your reasons are not valid. I understand you cannot feel desire if you don't feel valued and appreciated. Whether you ever want to be sexual with him again is your prerogative and your choice. Just be informed that he will never be warm and lovey dovey to you in separate beds (figuratively speaking).

 

This is a complex dynamic that has developed over many years. It will take serious professional therapy to work through everything.

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Its easy to grow apart I know. I would suggest counseling and he needs to know you feel unloved. He is probably lost in his world and gos through ruts.You do need love.I wish you the best.Big Hugs

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Michelle ma Belle

I'm in agreement with oldshirt on this one. He made some very valid and thoughtful points I think you need to consider without getting your back up.

 

It's one thing to feel as you do but it's another thing to feel that way and NOT talk about it with your spouse. If nothing else, you own it to yourself, to your spouse and especially to your family to do so.

 

Complacency in relationships/marriages regardless of how long or short they are isn't anything unusual. We've all been here at some point. If you're not careful, it can be the kiss of death for many relationships particularly when it goes on for too long and no one is willing to address the giant pink elephant in the room.

 

Have you talked with your husband about any of the things you've mentioned here? If not, I would start there. I would also highly recommend couple's therapy as well. Seeking professional help is always a good thing since many of us aren't properly equipped to solve all of own problems.

 

Having said that, this advice only works if you're still interested in working it out. If you're past that point of no return then that becomes a whole other kind of discussion.

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evanescentworld

Leave.

 

I did.

For precisely the same reasons you did.

I gave it up, because I had died as my own person.

26 years is a long time, but it's not the end of the world.

We grew so far apart that it would have taken a lifetime's gargantuan effort to even gain some semblance of a relationship back.

 

Sometimes, if it's dead, CPR is the worst thing you should attempt.

 

You may have to go to court, but you may be able to gain some kind of support from your H if you divorce.

if you have dedicated your life to bringing up the children, it may be possible to gain some assistance.

you're still entitled to 50% of everything accumulated in your marriage.

And he will pay child support for the children, who are still dependent.

 

Honestly.

Leave.

 

Don't do this to yourself.

it's irreparable.

And chiefly, it's irreparable because you're done, finished, through with it.

And be totally honest. You have absolutely no wish to work on it.

 

So, be honest, and file for divorce.

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Mal78 :

Thank you so much for your response & advice. It is so much better to share with someone who has been through the same things & feelings I am having.

Is there a way I can get in toych with you privately to talk more about my issues and to seek advice from you.

I feel you can be someone I can relate to with these issues.

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evanescentworld

No, not until you have been a member for a month or so and notched up around 100 posts. Exchange of private contact details on forum is not allowed. Read the community guidelines.

 

Sorry. :sad:

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Mal78 :

Thank you so much for your response & advice. It is so much better to share with someone who has been through the same things & feelings I am having.

Is there a way I can get in toych with you privately to talk more about my issues and to seek advice from you.

I feel you can be someone I can relate to with these issues.

 

This is what Oldshirt was talking about. Having girlfriends who share the same experience to receive emotional support. Do you have other SAHM friends? Also, if you haven't sat down and discussed all of this with your husband, please do. I can almost bet that if you are unhappy in your marriage so is he.

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I am certain my hubby is unhappy with the way things are too.

But he wants me to be someone I am not much of the time.

I do have my own thoughts,beliefs & ideas.

His brothers wife & his mom are imo puppets to their spouses.

And if that works for them fine.

But I cannot & will not be like that!!

When we dated & when first married he accepted this about me but now years later he wants me to be like them & just "obey" .

I would be living a lie if I even tried to live like that !!!

There are things I would like to see change with him too but I know thats not going to happen either.

So wheres the happy medium here???

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Sex and loving feelings are lubricant between husband and wife. Everything seems far more tolerable when the good feelings are flowing. Without the aid of those feelings, it's just two people rubbing each other all the wrong ways and none of the right ways.

 

What was the catalyst for this train leaving the tracks a decade back? Why have you let if go on so long like this without going to counseling?

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How many kids do you still have in the house and what kind of things do your older one pick on that you two are unhappy together?

 

 

What was the reason for having six kids? Was it religious? Is your h asking to obey for religious views?

 

 

How do you think you'd feel if you found out he died? What about if you found out he cheated on you?

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How many kids do you still have in the house and what kind of things do your older one pick on that you two are unhappy together?

 

 

What was the reason for having six kids? Was it religious? Is your h asking to obey for religious views?

 

 

How do you think you'd feel if you found out he died? What about if you found out he cheated on you?

 

5 of our kids still live at home. Our oldest daughter is away at university.

All the kids except the 7 year old know things arent good betwren us .

IThey pick up on the tension between us.

We are sarcastic toward each other.

Snide remarks. He talks to them about me and i anout him.

Criticize one another.

So yes it is very obvious to them that things arent good .

No real answer as to why we have 6 kids. Nothing to do with religion. We both come from big familis and when we married we knew we wanted a big family too. I love babies/kids & love being a mom.

And he loves his kids a great deal.

I would feel bad if he died. I do not "hate" him or wish him death.

I would never do that!!!

I just feel we arent compatible anymore.

Its like whatever commonality we used to have isnt there anymore. Other than the kids.

We think differently,we have different beliefs & values .

Things I enjoy doing arent the same as things he enjoys.

Financial issues are a big problem between us!!!

So much stress between us all the time.

If I found out he cheated on me I would be hurt,mad,upset & shocked.

But at the same time it wouldnt totally surprise me vuz if he's not getting intimacy at home he might look elsewhere.

Not to be superficial but sex is very important to him.

It's like he cant live without it.

I really dont want to see him cheating.

Even though I can find so much I dont like about him lately I dont want him to go off with someone else.

I also am not interested in going off with someone else.

I often wish I had a hubby who was a romantic & loved me so much it would show on his face when i walked in a room.

But i think that only happens in movies & tv shows!!!

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evanescentworld
So what if I gave my name on fb or on twitter.

Personally, I wouldn't risk it. Why entertain a possible ban, when you can get the help you need, here?

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If I found out he cheated on me I would be hurt,mad,upset &

shocked.

But at the same time it wouldnt totally surprise me vuz if he's not

getting intimacy at home he might look elsewhere.

Not to be superficial but

sex is very important to him.

It's like he cant live without it.

I really

dont want to see him cheating.

 

I can promise you there are women in your town who think your husband is a hardworking, good man who provides so his wife can stay home and look after the kids. I bet there are some who wish they had a husband like him, hell they probably wish they had him. What I am saying is most men cannot live without sex, it is very important to all of them. Some woman around there would love to give him sex.

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tobrieornottobrie

Have you shared any of this with your husband, the way you're feeling, your thoughts? Perhaps having a real sit-down conversation with him would be helpful. Have you considered marital counseling? I think therapy or counseling would be a good first step, even if it's just individually. I'm sorry that you're hurting, friend. Best of luck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

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Not to be superficial but sex is very important to him.

It's like he cant live without it.

I really dont want to see him cheating.

Even though I can find so much I dont like about him lately I dont want him to go off with someone else.

I also am not interested in going off with someone else.

I often wish I had a hubby who was a romantic & loved me so much it would show on his face when i walked in a room.

But i think that only happens in movies & tv shows!!!

 

Doesn't seem very fair to say that about him when he has been living without regular sex for many years. You will be hard pressed to find a husband whose face lights up when he sees you across the room after sleeping in separate beds for 10 years. I know you are saying "He started it!" but you have raised enough kids to know that never solves anything.

 

I think you should go back and read oldshirt's post. Then if you decide it's not worth the effort (and it is going to be a LOT of effort to undo the years of coldness - on both parts), leave him. It will be rough but you will make it and probably both be happier on the long run.

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