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My husband thinks chores are just for women & it is so exhausting!


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HI, I have been married for about 8 and a half years. I did live with my husband before we got married and he used to help out with laundry and dishes & housework in general back then.

After we got married and had our first child I stayed at home with her while he worked and I had a lot of time to do ALL of the housework and did not expect him to do that stuff because it wasn't a big deal. I did not expect him to come home from work and then do chores.

Now years later our kids are older and in school. I have a part time job and also attend college full time. I am very busy and have to study and do homework all the time.

Lately I have been getting behind on chores at home and my husband seems to think it is my problem.

He gets mad when his laundry is not done but refuses to do any laundry, dishes or any basic cleaning around the house. Even when he has the entire day off work and is home alone all day it does not seem to occur to him to run a load of laundry or do anything like that. Instead he will just watch movies or something....

He does fix things like if a vehicle needs maintenance or cabinets, drawers or doors around the house need fixing he does that just fine and he seems to think that is him doing his part. That stuff only comes up once in a while everything else needs to be done a lot more often.

It may seem weird & I don't know why but it really bothers me when I leave for work or school and he is still in bed and I come home and he did not even make the bed before he left for work or whatever he was doing that day. I hate coming home and seeing my bed not made. I let him know I would really like it if he would make the bed and he did do that a few times but he always wanted a pat on the back for it or something..If I didn't notice that he made the bed he would point it out...Now he completely stopped even doing that possibly because I didn't notice/praise him every time. I think it is something people who are not slobs just do.

 

 

Sometimes when he tells me how he thinks I am slacking on house work I point out that I was not even home do do anything since I am at work or school most of the time....or if I was home I had to study for a big test and it was a choice I made between scrubbing toilets and cleaning or getting a good grade on my test. I tell him if it bothers you and you think it needs cleaned to just clean it and stop bothering me about it all the time.

Does anyone else have problems with husbands thinking the definition of a wife is similar to a maid?

What can be done about this? besides what I have been doing because it's not working.........

 

 

I'm getting seriously exhausted & frustrated here!!

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Stop letting his laziness exhaust you, and stop buying into this game he's playing with you. Either hire a maid to come to the house once a week, or ignore the mess altogether until you actually have the time and energy to do it, or leave his chauvinistic ass. Who cares if he gets mad? Let him! You get mad about his lack of respect for you and that doesn't make any difference to him, does it?

 

The next time you need to study, then study and stop letting this stuff get to you. Would it bother me? Yeah! But he's trying to keep you from accomplishing what you want to accomplish because he's intimidated by it, and he doesn't like your attention being somewhere else. He's insecure and immature. There's probably no fix for that. Don't bother trying to figure him out and stop letting it get to you. The less you say about it and the less you react, the less he'll want to play these games.

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I thought you were talking about my husband for a minute there. I'm back in school full time and am "expected" to do everything I did while being a SAHM. When something doesn't get done in his time frame and he does it, he acts like it was this huuuuge thing he did that he must get praise for. Like bringing in an empty garbage can. lol

 

I have given my kid more chores to help me out...she can do simple things like putting her own clothes away, garbage, scoop kitty litter, etc.

 

Otherwise, everything waits until the weekend. Sorry I couldn't be of more help but you're not alone!

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aussietigerwolf

My ex was like that and he didn't even have a job. He would do something simple once in a blue moon and then bitch at me that he was doing everything and he was sick of it... Meanwhile I was literally running around trying to do everything plus looking after a baby, working AND waiting on him hand and foot. But yeah... HE did everything and I was just a lazy waste of space.

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I went through this for a spell. I just let the house get dirtier and dirtier and just did the clothes I could manage.

 

Every time he kept saying he was fed up with a dirty house or not enough clean clothes I told him he knew where the vacuum and washing machine were.

 

In the end, he sat me down and said that we had to do something. So I said either you start pulling your weight or we get help in. I now get a cleaner he pays for once a week (cause he hates to clean lol) and I have a lovely clean house every week. You could have someone do your ironing if you'd prefer.

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Sometimes when he tells me how he thinks I am slacking on house work I point out that I was not even home do do anything since I am at work or school most of the time....or if I was home I had to study for a big test and it was a choice I made between scrubbing toilets and cleaning or getting a good grade on my test. I tell him if it bothers you and you think it needs cleaned to just clean it and stop bothering me about it all the time.

 

What was his response to this?

 

The chauvinistic belief that you speak of is fairly common in my culture, but it's also quite easy to weed out the guys who believe in that. Usually those guys don't help with the chores even when you first start living together, AND prior to that mommy does most of the chores for them. In your case, it seems your husband did share the workload with you in the early stages, so it sounds more like a case of him getting lazy/taking things for granted, rather than ingrained sexist beliefs per se. I could be wrong, of course, but if I'm right, the former is much easier to fix via communication than the latter.

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I am very good at the "holding one's breath" contest for something to be done. So if my husband doesn't like how something is done he has many options available. Do it himself, wait for me, or hire someone. (He HATES dirty dishes in the sink, I don't care. Guess who usually wins that one. :laugh:)

 

I think the struggle with this is when someone has, or is, a stay at home, where the person working starts to believe that the household responsibilities are the stay at home person. There is a power struggle over income and household responsibilities.

 

What I like with my marriage is the fact that we both work full time, at high level positions and I actually make more money. So while my husband is awesome about doing things at home, I feel things are on equal footing for us to divide up what needs to be done. And, to be honest, he probably does cover a little more of the general household items than I do.

 

And we have someone come in clean. That is a lifesaver.

 

I say, call his bluff. Tell him you are going on strike until he is willing to meet you halfway and just do your stuff. He is acting like a man child so treat him like one.

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No chores, no sex. :p;)

 

 

 

Yeah, no matter how horny I might be when I come home when I go into my bedroom & the bed is a frumpy messed up pile of blankets it is a total turn off. It is so frustrating because I love sex & would much rather do that than make the bed...if I have to make the bed first its just not the same for me.

It just puts me in a bad mood or something that he didn't care to do it when he was the last one who got out of bed.

There have been a couple times when my husband specifically pointed out that he made the bed and actually told me he did it because he wanted to get laid. He has not done this in a few months now though.....

So this problem I am having definitely leads to me not getting enough sex. Its probably the same from his perspective but he does not seem to see how his behavior causes it.

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What was his response to this?

 

#################His response is usually not positive at all. Its been getting bad lately because he resorts to name calling & will say "what is wrong with you? Are you on your period?" "Why are you such a nasty bitch?" He will make it seem like I am the lazy one who needs to work on it or something. He does not clean anything even after he says it bothers him & I tell him I don't have time at the moment. I told him I am his wife not his slave. I don't think he gets it. Last time he called me a bunch of mean names I told him its really not working out for me anymore and that we need counseling asap.

Originally he declined this idea but might be getting more open to the idea of counseling.##################

 

 

The chauvinistic belief that you speak of is fairly common in my culture, but it's also quite easy to weed out the guys who believe in that. Usually those guys don't help with the chores even when you first start living together, AND prior to that mommy does most of the chores for them. In your case, it seems your husband did share the workload with you in the early stages, so it sounds more like a case of him getting lazy/taking things for granted, rather than ingrained sexist beliefs per se. I could be wrong, of course, but if I'm right, the former is much easier to fix via communication than the latter.

 

 

 

Now that I think back to before we got married and we were living together I still did the majority of the house work then too. It just wasn't so much to do because having two kids does really make a difference in how much work there is to do around the house. The main times I remember him helping out back then was when we were having guests come over..He would help me get the house cleaned up and presentable. We used to have people over more often back then. I really noticed his cleaning skills got way better when his sister was coming over. I used to lie to him & say oh your sister called & she will be coming over just to get him to help out more & it worked. LOL

He caught on to that a while back though..

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I thought you were talking about my husband for a minute there. I'm back in school full time and am "expected" to do everything I did while being a SAHM. When something doesn't get done in his time frame and he does it, he acts like it was this huuuuge thing he did that he must get praise for. Like bringing in an empty garbage can. lol

 

I have given my kid more chores to help me out...she can do simple things like putting her own clothes away, garbage, scoop kitty litter, etc.

 

Otherwise, everything waits until the weekend. Sorry I couldn't be of more help but you're not alone!

 

 

 

The thing is I am not a SAHM anymore. I have been involving my kids more in the chores and it does help me out. My daughter is a lot more willing to help me out than my son. I think it has a lot to do with how he sees his dad acting. I don't want my son to grow up and not help out with chores so I don't let him get away with it. It does take a lot more effort to get my son to do chores. He sees his dad get away with it and it must be confusing for him.

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I tried to tell my husband about something called "chore play" that I heard about I think it could really work for me but he isn't into it.

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First of all, the kids should be doing certain chores each week and those chores are not optional. I think you need to get your family under control so that they understand the concept of respect. My son has been doing his own laundry since he was 12. He also had a list of things he had to do each week. When he played dumb and said he didn't know cleaning his room meant vacuuming the floor, I added that to his list. People will respect you when you command it. Where your kids are concerned, they don't get the option to be anything other than respectful in every way that YOU deem important. It's time to get this situation under control and stop letting your family walk all over you.

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I tried to tell my husband about something called "chore play" that I heard about I think it could really work for me but he isn't into it.

 

Stop talking and start doing. Most men don't listen to words, they listen to behavior. Make a list of chores that EVERYONE in the family will be responsible for and stick it on the fridge. If your husband needs to be treated like a child, then so be it. And do not pay your children for doing their chores. People need to have a sense of buy-in and contribution. You provide them a home and they need to contribute to that home life without financial gain. If they don't do what they're supposed to do, then keep them from doing or having something they want. It's very simple.

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Oh, and in case you're wondering, my son is now in college, nearly done with his engineering degree. He lives with his girlfriend and still does housework and cooks for her quite a bit. She takes care of him, too, and appreciates the person he is. As you well know, you're raising people who will need to function in the real world and that also means they know how to treat their significant other.

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No chores, no sex. :p;)

 

I sure hope to god you are kidding. Never tell someone to use sex as a weapon. It vives women a bad name. Besides, i like sex so why deprive myself?

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Forgive me but according to your posts here recently, housework is not the only thing that is eating you up in this marriage, is it?

You need to take a long hard look at where you are going here, is my advice.

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I don't see how anyone could feel like making love to a husband who was so hateful and using you like a slave. It would certainly quell any sexual feelings I had for him. I don't make love to men who don't care about my feelings and well being. It sounds like you've not really sat him down and told him the housework isn't all up to you and tell him to shut up about criticizing you about it since he's the one not doing his part. He'll get away with this as long as you let him. He can either help out or pay for a maid because you are not his maid.

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Your husband is an immature ass. He's a grown man, an adult, a husband and a father. Yet he feels it's 'beneath' him to help out around the house, do simple tasks that really take less than 1 minute to do. WTF. He sounds "old fashioned/old school" way of thinking, women do dishes, cooking and cleaning and men bring home the money and do outside work.

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consider a time to sit down and review the chores that are daily, weekly and monthly. work as a team. the property needs tended too. Refrain from using negative terminolgy to reach goals. (saying he is lazy is insulting and disrespectfull). Instead say, I notice some motivation to achieve care for the family upkeep is needing a tune up! here are somethings I think you are good at. Can you take on this task while i do grocery shopping or whatever ither chore needs done. Keep it upbeat and supportive. Compliment more and complain less. Small steps create better results. We each like to help out as a family unit.

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if i were you, i would spend $90 each week and have a maid service come in to help! every other week if money is tight.

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Sometimes things that might seem obvious to us as women (yeah, I know) may not be obvious to men. It is likely he got used to you doing everything while you were a SAHM, and you need to have an explicit conversation about the change. It might sound odd but you might want to actually outline for him hour many hours a week your job and school take to illustrate that you BOTH are working hard now. With the name calling I would just tell him you will not be talked to that way and leave the room or even the house for awhile if he persists.

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HI, I have been married for about 8 and a half years. I did live with my husband before we got married and he used to help out with laundry and dishes & housework in general back then.

After we got married and had our first child I stayed at home with her while he worked and I had a lot of time to do ALL of the housework and did not expect him to do that stuff because it wasn't a big deal. I did not expect him to come home from work and then do chores.

Now years later our kids are older and in school. I have a part time job and also attend college full time. I am very busy and have to study and do homework all the time.

Lately I have been getting behind on chores at home and my husband seems to think it is my problem.

He gets mad when his laundry is not done but refuses to do any laundry, dishes or any basic cleaning around the house. Even when he has the entire day off work and is home alone all day it does not seem to occur to him to run a load of laundry or do anything like that. Instead he will just watch movies or something....

He does fix things like if a vehicle needs maintenance or cabinets, drawers or doors around the house need fixing he does that just fine and he seems to think that is him doing his part. That stuff only comes up once in a while everything else needs to be done a lot more often.

It may seem weird & I don't know why but it really bothers me when I leave for work or school and he is still in bed and I come home and he did not even make the bed before he left for work or whatever he was doing that day. I hate coming home and seeing my bed not made. I let him know I would really like it if he would make the bed and he did do that a few times but he always wanted a pat on the back for it or something..If I didn't notice that he made the bed he would point it out...Now he completely stopped even doing that possibly because I didn't notice/praise him every time. I think it is something people who are not slobs just do.

 

 

Sometimes when he tells me how he thinks I am slacking on house work I point out that I was not even home do do anything since I am at work or school most of the time....or if I was home I had to study for a big test and it was a choice I made between scrubbing toilets and cleaning or getting a good grade on my test. I tell him if it bothers you and you think it needs cleaned to just clean it and stop bothering me about it all the time.

Does anyone else have problems with husbands thinking the definition of a wife is similar to a maid?

What can be done about this? besides what I have been doing because it's not working.........

 

 

I'm getting seriously exhausted & frustrated here!!

 

Sounds like you need to spend less time on the internet and more time doing the housework, since when your husband did try to comply with your wishes, your attitude was and is one of discouragement and not giving him credit for it.

 

If it's not important enough for you to at least acknowledge when he was doing it, then it's not important to you. Right?

 

You also disparage the other stuff he does around the house too. Fixing stuff doesn't "count."

 

It seems these kind of problems over housework only come up when for some reason the marriage has other deeper problems and the wife wants to use "He's not doing his fair share of the chores!!!" as a pretext for: cutting off sex, becoming a bitch, cheating, etc.

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Sometimes things that might seem obvious to us as women (yeah, I know) may not be obvious to men. It is likely he got used to you doing everything while you were a SAHM, and you need to have an explicit conversation about the change. It might sound odd but you might want to actually outline for him hour many hours a week your job and school take to illustrate that you BOTH are working hard now. With the name calling I would just tell him you will not be talked to that way and leave the room or even the house for awhile if he persists.

 

Sometimes women don't actually communicate what they want very well, and expect men to be mind readers.

 

Sometimes women tote up all the stuff they do on their side of the ledger, and it all "counts," but the stuff on their husband's side of the ledger doesn't "count."

 

Of course maybe the husband is just lazy.

 

Isn't that how he always was? They've been married 8 years, what made her suddenly wake up and decide "now it matters." Usually this is a pretext for justifying an affair or otherwise blowing up the marriage because she thinks she can do better.

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Hire someone to come in every single day and tell him it's his to pay when the bill comes. After all - he provides the money, right? While they are there have them grocery shop and cook dinner too!

 

So just view it as a household expense.

 

He may "help more" when he gets the bill...

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