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Should I stay with him? or why is he with me?


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My boyfriend of one year and I recently moved in to a place together. Since moving in I have serious concerns about our relationship, but need advice since I can be over critical. I’m 29 years old and I have always been a hard worker I am have an exec positon for a healthcare company and make almost 100k a year when I met my boyfriend he had a job that paid low wages and was attending community college. I gave him a job where I wouldn’t be his direct supervisor, I thought that because he appeared responsible and is bright enough he would do well. The job pays decent wages. I felt that our relationship had better odds to succeed if he made a little bit of more money and actually had funds to go out on dates etc… I didn’t what to be that woman that pays for everything. He was a very sweet and affectionate guy and I felt that our relationship had potential for long-term and possibly marriage.

Since, then I have so many concerns with our relationship and things have changed drastically. For one, we argue ALL THE TIME and I feel like I don’t have respect for him as a man and that “sweet guy” that made me want to be with him is no longer there.

We hardly have sex. I feel like I’m more sexual with him and would ideally have it at least every other day, for him it seems like even once a week it’s fine for him, however, based on our internet history it seems as if he watches porn every day so I’m guessing he’s also masturbating.

Additionally, because of the same internet history issue I noticed that he looks up his ex all the time, it’s almost to the point that I had started wondering if he still has feelings for her even though it’s been years since their break-up. I asked him about it and he got defensive. I feel although his lack of attention to me is making me feel insecure.

He is not motivated at work, he is irresponsible, unproductive, goes late all the time, and is not organized. He says that he’s unhappy with the jobs and gives a lot of excuses. I have told him to look for another job if he hates this job so much, and he says that he will but honestly with his skills he will not be able to get a decent paying job right now until he finishes school which is in about 3 years. Even then, he doesn’t place any value in money or success etc, so he would be ok with not being successful, this is not a goal of his. I’m ok with him not being as ambitious as me, but I do see this as a potential problem. For example, he wants to have a kid soon but I feel like that would only be more responsibility for me since again I am the bread winner. I feel like he should be more motivated to take on a manly role and try to provide more for our family.

He pays half of the utility bills but as far as rent he only pays $240. My boss pays $1300 as part of my wages towards my rent since he asked me to relocate for work purposes, and I pay an additional $240 out of my pocket. It bothers me that he doesn’t do more to help. I personalize that he is not productive at work and here I am over stressed with many responsibilities, I feel that since the rent money is going towards OUR RENT he should do more to help, and I’m not even referring to financially, even if he helped around the house, or washed my car, or did other stuff, or tried to reduce my work by helping etc.

I am very attentive, I always do things to make people feel special. I took him out for his bday, always plan things that I know he’ll like, took him to basketball games to see his favorite team, etc etc. For my birthday he got me absolutely nothing, he sent me a text saying happy birthday at mid-night since I was out with my friends but on my actual birthday he had absolutely no plans for me, no gift, nothing. We went to dinner with my family, my sister paid half of the total bill and I paid the other half, he didn’t even bother to pitch in. That night we had a huge fight over this and he said he had spent all his money two nights ago when he went out with his friend while we were mad.

At the beginning of our relationship maybe the first 3-4 months he would buy me flowers at least once per month, but now nothing. His way of being affectionate is spending time with me. I don’t feel like this is enough I feel like I’m bored with the relationship. We never do anything that I consider fun. A lot of the times he just plays video games at home.

He recently admitted that he has been depressed all of his life, and that he never feels excitement or feel truly happy. He says that he has felt better since he has been with me (only when we are not fighting) I work for the mental health field so I do understand depression. I’ve been supportive, got him to go to counseling (had 2 sessions so far) was diagnosed with ADD and will soon start taking medication for it. The fact that I’m with someone who isn’t happy still upsets me though.

So my questions is despite all of this should I stay with him? I love him but I do feel like I’m getting the short-end of the stick. I always try to be there for him for EVERYTHING, but I feel like who is going to be there for me? Do I not deserve to have someone who is crazy for me? Who wants to make me happy? Who wants to do things for me? He says that he’s willing to be that person but that his awareness is low and I just need to tell him when I want to do something etc… but I feel like I don’t want to be in a relationship that I have to ask someone to do something for me. I feel like being that we are both 29 I don’t have a lot of time to waste on a relationship that is not going to work. Not to mention that he says that marriage to him is not important, all that matters is love… but he seems to not think of anything that’s actually important to me. I’ve talked to him about the relationship not working out, and he starts crying and says he loves me, but I don’t think his actions are showing this.

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I dated a guy like him briefly. It didn't end well.

 

I am assuming you can afford the place where you live on your own & that you are the only one on the lease

 

I don't think you will ever respect this guy in a way that will allow this relationship to flourish. It's not only about the money -- it's a work ethic, life style, values proposition. If you can't be his biggest fan there is no sense keeping him around. It will just depress you both.

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I feel like being that we are both 29 I don’t have a lot of time to waste on a relationship that is not going to work. Not to mention that he says that marriage to him is not important, all that matters is love… but he seems to not think of anything that’s actually important to me. I’ve talked to him about the relationship not working out, and he starts crying and says he loves me, but I don’t think his actions are showing this.

 

Different people have varying plateaus at which they are happy. For some, a job that pays for beer and the newest video game meets their needs. Others are inherently more ambitious and goal oriented. Doesn't make either right or wrong.

 

But it does make them incompatible :( ...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Kick him into touch, he is not the man for you, he is a user, verging on the toxic and he is just taking advantage of your good nature.

 

This man will not be happy till he brings you down to his level, do NOT let him do this to you. He is selfish and I would not be surprised if he is verging on the narcissistic too.

 

He was a very sweet and affectionate guy and I felt that our relationship had potential for long-term and possibly marriage.

At the beginning of our relationship maybe the first 3-4 months he would buy me flowers at least once per month, but now nothing.

 

... then that “sweet guy” that made me want to be with him is no longer there

 

 

This is what narcissists do, they sucker you in, with charm and a good story of a long term relationship and a family, anything that you will swallow basically to let them in. They idolise you, then nothing once they have you. They start fighting with you and abusing you, because you do not match up to their expectations. NO sex is common too, as it is all about power and control to them.

 

I feel although his lack of attention to me is making me feel insecure
.

 

He is starting to break you down.

They take and they do not give, as you are not really worthy in their eyes, the worse you feel, the better they feel. His communications with his ex are designed to put you into a bad place and on edge. He maybe thinks she was the better person, now that you have gone down in his estimation.

The no gift or rubbish gift is classic too, as you do not deserve it.

 

I always try to be there for him for EVERYTHING

- that is why he deliberately chose you. Toxic people choose kind, caring people to feed off.

DO NOT let him persuade you to have a child, as that will be disastrous for you and it.

You deserve a lot better. Please RUN.

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The role of dating is spend time with someone and do a variety of things with them to evaluate them and determine if they are the one you want to marry and have a home and family with them.

 

Since you are a business person think of it as an interview and tryout process.

 

If you determine through the interview and tryout process that this is the best candidate for the position you take them on full time, if not, you let them go.

 

It doesn't sound to me like you two are compatible at all. That doesn't have to mean that he is a bad person or needs to be shot or anything, just release him as a potential candidate for going forward with the relationship and interview and tryout other candidates.

 

You've dated him for a year. That's plenty of time to determine if he is the one or not. He clearly sounds to me that he isn't so why are you still messing with this?

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Copelandsanity

Time to end it.

 

You two don't seem like girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

You two seem like a defeated mom and a petulant child.

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I feel like being that we are both 29 I don’t have a lot of time to waste on a relationship that is not going to work.

 

let me give you a little insight that your mother should have already told you (she probably did but you may have forgotten) when you are in your teens and early 20s you kind of have to speculate on who is going to turn out the way you want and you have to date according to who you think has "potential."

 

However now you are an independent, educated, gainfully employed adult with a career and life plans etc. now you need to find someone that already IS what you want, not someone that 'might' become that .....with your help no less.

 

Using a building as an analogy, you need to find a building that is already constructed and all the utilities are hooked up and running and it is ready to move in to. This guy is at best a building that the framing is barely starting and you don't even have any idea what the finished product is going to be ....although it clearly looks like it will be something completely different than what you want. p

 

 

 

 

Not to mention that he says that marriage to him is not important,

 

he has clearly stated his position here. If you are marriage-minded and marriage with a compatible person is your goal, you should've turned and waled away the moment that came out of his mouth. Every moment you have spent with him since has been wasted.

 

 

all that matters is love…

 

which means you entertaine him and pay his bills and get him jobs etc he has no desire or intention to commit to a future with you or make a permanent home and family with you. He is all about the moment and does not care one iota about the future.

 

 

but he seems to not think of anything that’s actually important to me.

 

 

hellllloooooo reality knocking here. Why are we still with this guy????????

 

 

I’ve talked to him about the relationship not working out,

 

ok you have talked to him and explained your concerns. Fair enough, that is what society wants us to do when relationships aren't working out.

 

But let me asked you this - now that you have explained your concerns and what you want has he transformed himself into the self-starting, ambitious, motivated career man and family man that you want him to be??????

 

No. So there's your sign.

 

 

and he starts crying and says he loves me, but I don't think his actions.....

 

love is a feeling. He may have warm feelings for you and you may have warm feelings for him. The problem is marriage is a legal and financial instrument. He doesn't have the career potential, financial security and ambition and family orientation that you want in a partner, husband and father.

 

He may not be a bad guy and he may be someone you enjoy going to the movies with and he may even be good in bed, but he is not marriage material for you. No one is saying he is a monster that needs to be killed. He is just not the right man for you. He has told you that himself and he has demonstrated it with his deeds.

 

You know where things stand.

 

 

 

 

See responses in bold above

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thirtysomethingteen

Honestly just reading about him made me tired. The phrase "man-child" comes to mind.

 

Even if he was still sweet and good in bed I wouldn't recommend continuing this relationship. But he isn't.

 

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life babysitting him, I would run far and run fast.

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You need to be with a man who is your intellectual equal. This guy isn't even in the ballpark. I'd suggest that you end this relationship and, I beg you, do not have kids with this guy.

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Agree with everyone else above.

The lefotover "love" feeling you may still have for him is not enough.

Plus, ADD? What? Does everybody who acts irresponsibly get diagnosed with ADD these days? I am so tired of this lame excuse.

Also, being in the mental healthcare filed, you probably know that his already lame sex drive plus the porn PLUS ADD meds will not exactly turn him into a raging sex god. Taking the ADD meds or depression meds or whatever else he wants to swallow to get his life fixed will kill his sexual desire for you. I am sure you're smarter than that.

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DESI1985,

 

I saw this;

 

I feel like I don’t have respect for him

 

and didn't read any further.

 

Drop this loser and find a guy you can respect.

 

Good luck x

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