indecisive

[uack]

o, I've been with my fiance for years and years, and we're planning a wedding, finally, for next year. We have one kid together, and she's a sweetheart.

 

The problem is that my man introduced me to his new best friend about a year ago, and I developed the biggest crush of my life, since my man and I met eight years ago. Normally a little crush is nothing, and doesn't feel threatening to anything.. but this swiftly turned into something akin to love and respect, and has made me question everything I've been assuming about my future and my relationship.

 

See, my relationship is unbalanced. Except for a few rare occasions, I've been the one with the power in the relationship. I wasn't sure about it in the beginning.. but over the years it just seems more evident. He's better at being social, but I'm more intelligent in many ways, more organized, more interested in self-improvement.. and where it was probably questionable in the beginning who was more attractive, he's now incredibly overweight and has no ability to form new or healthier habits. He's irresponsible with money, and wound up being dependent on me, early on, to ensure bills got paid and money was saved. In many ways he's always seemed to worship me, which makes me feel good about myself.. but he's become incredibly selfish, caring more about researching the latest game, than taking good care of his child, his house, himself, or myself. He has a good job, and takes his job seriously... but thank god for that because that creative spark he used to have that I found so attractive is essentially gone. I don't want to sleep with him very often, because its' difficult to even get turned on-- he can see that, and I deny it... but it's the cause of frequent after-hours arguments. It's not just the physical part.. it literally is the rest that goes with it-- the house that is always messy unless I clean it myself; the unfinished rooms; the lack of interest in anything that I do; the lack of ability to talk intelligently about things that go on in the world. Try as I might I've lost respect for him, if I ever really had any to begin with.

 

But, I haven't lost hope for our relationship. I can criticize a lot, but I think he's a decent father. He doesn't role model healthy eating, or healthy life habits... but he does play games and watch kid shows with her; reads her bedtime stories, cooks and bakes, and encourages her to be nice to people. He's home a lot, and tells us how much he loves us all the time. He's a good person. I want him in her life, and can't imagine putting her through the kind of pain breaking up would cause her. He works away from home a lot, and has proven over and over he's not terribly responsible, so I would probably get custody... but he'd lose her. he'd have a hard time finding time he can actually be SURE to be home to have guaranteed time with her... and there's no real work for me here, long term, I'd probably have to move out of town. I can't see how that would make me happy, breaking their hearts.

 

And on top of that, whether we argue, or have sex, or not... we're still friends that have been through an awful lot together. He can be a total jerk sometimes (I'm sure I'm guilty of the same), but I can't imagine not being friends... I just don't think a friendship could possibly survive us breaking up... I care about him as a person.

 

But there's this dream in my head, this almost forgotten dream... Where when I get married, I'm marrying someone I have a great deal of respect for, that's supportive, and intelligent, and that I find attractive. Who challenges me, and who actively grows with me. I don't know that after ten or fifteen years I can count on having a strong libido for ANY man (it's been my experience that it doesn't last that long for me with anyone)... but at least the admiration and sense of connection could last.

 

And I was able to quash that dream, and tell myself, hey, that person might not exist. You owe it to your daughter to just try and make the relationship you're in work. If you can't, so be it, but put this FIRST. And I'm still trying. But the problem is.. that the possibility that if I left, that dream could be fulfilled, it's been reawoken by meeting this other guy... who if nothing else, is intelligent and thoughtful... socially apt, and clearly willing to grow. He LIKES dissecting the meaning of books and poetry, and debating right or wrong. He wouldn't NEED me to spell out to him how a thing is or isn't fair in a relationship, he could fight his own side of the battle without me needing to play both sides and decide for him. We could draw boundaries *together*. I wouldn't have to be sitting up on a pedestal, being both admired and resented. I feel this instant connection and attraction to him. We can literally talk for hours and hours. Our interests are even aligned.

 

Anyways. After I kicked the **** out of myself for feeling this way, and looked at the situation more clearly, I DID realize that this other guy probably isn't "The One" and that even if I broke up with my man, we might not even have a chance to figure that out, since they're good friends and what not. Plus, I have a rule. Don't start anything new until you've dealt with all your baggage. and also, End or continue a relationship based on it's own merits. So, I'm not suggesting that I leave FOR anyone else in particular. I mention it because...I'm conflicted about what this guy's existence says about the possibility of fulfilling that dream with someone other than my fiance.

 

Should I abandon all hope of ever having this fairy-tale love I used to dream of... and instead, just nurture what I've got? Try to improve the relationship, try to improve our sex life, try to love the one I'm with and just quite literally, take one for the team? Try to fall in love?

 

Or is it wrong to take that path? Is it wrong to marry someone you don't admire or feel respect for? I might not admire him.. but I do love him. And no one will be happier in the short term, not myself, not my fiance, and most certainly not our daughter if I left... and there are no guarantees that anyone will be happier in the long term either. I can see just the opposite happening. I just feel uncomfortable knowing that I can't say, in all honesty, the comforting things he needs to hear-- you're really ****ing smart, those other guys are idiots. you're really ****ing hot, I don't need anyone else. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I feel disingenuous when I say **** like that. So I try not to. But maybe it's enough to have the other stuff. The cuddling and the support. The knowledge that we'll be there for each other no matter what. The ability to argue, and know when to apologize. The partner in raising children. Someone who's decent in bed and gives good back rubs.

That I can trust and laugh with, most of the time. And who puts up with whatever faults that I might have too. I just don't know.

[lovinDKT3]

Wow, and you say you love this guy? If what you wrote is your ideal of love, I would hate to see what you would say about someone you don't like.

 

Do him the favor and chase your crush, no one deserve that level of disrespect sleeping next to them. Just, WOW.

[Poppygoodwill]

Should you try to fall in love?

 

I'm not sure of the answer, but it's clear you're thinking of all the angles and trying to balance it out in your mind, which is a good thing.

 

Seems to me that you've got seven year itch, just without having been married officially. You've gotten to the point where it's all so familiar and you are clear on the downsides and upsides of this person and since you still have the chance to walk away, you're considering the option carefully.

 

I think you're absolutely right that this other guy is a non-starter. The fact of your crush is the important part; it's a sign to you that you must think carefully about teh way forward. which you are doing.

 

How to choose? What about going into counselling? A safe space to explore your thoughts and feelings and come to conclusions would no doubt be fruitful. If you want to bring him into it a a sort of pre-wedding tune up, that would probably also be helpful for you both.

 

If you can't afford that, or aren't inclined that way, then I would do the classic strategy: a pro and con list. Once you start writing things down in stark lists, you'll see pretty quickly which way things are weighted.

 

No matter which path you take, there will be downsides and upsides.

[jackslife]

Well the first question is easy to answer. No you shouldn't get married.

 

Your man is who he is. You can't make people change. Marrying your 'best friend' is a good idea, but not if you are no longer attracted to him.

 

I'd suggest couples counselling, but ultimately it sounds like you "love him, but aren't in love with him"

 

I suggest you look that little gem up on the internet.

[Turtles]

So I'm in the same situation except I left for my crush (I had no kid so that was relatively easy). Oh she was so wonderful and we did talk for hours. It's easy to talk for hours to a stranger. Sex was amazing too. Fast forward a few years and guess what - it's the same thing all over again. Boredom, disrespect, lackluster sex life.

 

I think some people can make a long term relationship work but for most the flames die out after a few years of living together and they have to make do with a few embers. Living together is hard. I don't think there is a "One" because once you live with him/her for a few years you'll find they are inevitably flawed.

 

Anyway. Find a therapist to try to get a more tolerable relationship. Don't get married. What is the reason for getting married? Just "what people do when they are together"? That's just obeying what society tells you to do (maybe you can use that line in your speech to him when you tell him you want to keep waiting!) Keep things together for your kid's sake. Take care of your kid, your body, your career, your finances. If you get married you will severely limit your future options for little to no gain.

 

Well, that's my plan. It's working OK so far but I'm planning to revisit it in a few years. Right now, with a kid involved, there is just too much to lose and not that much to gain by separating.

[oldshirt]

This is very simple - you don't respect or feel desire or admiration for your fiancé' and that will only get worse over time and eventually you will start having affairs and ultimately will leave.

 

If you wait until you are married and potentially have more children, then when you decide to leave it will be a million times more complex and destructive than if you leave now.

 

You have three options -

 

- come up with an exit strategy now that includes child care and custody arraingments and is as amicable and cooperative as possible now before it gets more in depth and complex.

 

- cut him off and move out and give him one year to transform himself into a fit, healthy, good looking, ambitious, forward-thinking man that takes initiative and is proactive in taking care of his home, partner and father.

 

- do nothing and live a life of chronic frustration, dissatisfaction and affairs with other men and ultimately falling in love with someone else and leave a path of destruction in your wake.

 

This is a situation of picking the path of lesser pain and destruction for everyone.

[oldshirt]

....and PS,

 

This other man has nothing to do with it. He is just a symptom. Then will be many more of these "crushes" and yearnings in the future.

 

Your fiancé may have been all that 8 years ago when you started dating but he is no longer in your league and the two of you are no longer compatible.

 

He has lost this one. He can't keep up in his current state. He is out of his league.

 

You can either let him down as easy as possible now or you can pull the rug out from under him and really hurt and damage him later down the road.

[elaine567]

This is difficult, because you found a wonderful man to be the father of your child but he doesn't tick all your boxes partnerwise.

 

Fast forward a few years and guess what - it's the same thing all over again. Boredom, disrespect, lackluster sex life.

 

Your potential OM as Turtles found too is exciting, intelligent, fun to be with, but try listening to his jokes, his conversation, his "creative spark", a few years down the line and he will be just as uninspiring as your current partner.

 

Your fiance sounds actually a touch depressed.

Has the shift of power actually weakened him to the extent he is not really trying any more? He chooses the easier stuff, stuff that doesn't rock the boat.

He is concentrating on his daughter because your partnership is unbalanced, you are in control and there is no point in fighting about it, so he eats a bit more to comfort himself, and loses himself in games, kids toys, cooking and reading bedtime stories.

He has lost his self worth, so messy houses do not matter. Looking after his body and being organised are no longer considerations.

 

Only at work can he be himself again, as he is in control there.

 

I feel you both may benefit from therapy here before you crash headlong into a marriage that sounds over before it has begun.

The dynamics of the relationship seem skewed to me and that needs addressing. I am not suggesting you adopt the role of the servile woman, but a more equal footing may mean you have a happier man.

 

As for this EA

He LIKES dissecting the meaning of books and poetry, and debating right or wrong.

There are a lot of women out there who like the same, get involved in some safer group, with women who are no threat to your relationship, rather than risk everything with this "grass is greener" man.

[Discjockey80]

This is tough to say but coming from experience....you HAVE to let go of the power. You have to. I'll bet he resents it as much as you subconsciously do.

[Decisiontomake]

Hi there, I've made some comments on specific parts of your post.

 

 

 

 

The problem is that my man introduced me to his new best friend about a year ago, and I developed the biggest crush of my life, since my man and I met eight years ago. Normally a little crush is nothing, and doesn't feel threatening to anything.. but this swiftly turned into something akin to love and respect, and has made me question everything I've been assuming about my future and my relationship.

 

See, my relationship is unbalanced. Except for a few rare occasions, I've been the one with the power in the relationship. I wasn't sure about it in the beginning.. but over the years it just seems more evident. He's better at being social, but I'm more intelligent in many ways, more organized, more interested in self-improvement.. and where it was probably questionable in the beginning who was more attractive, he's now incredibly overweight and has no ability to form new or healthier habits. He's irresponsible with money, and wound up being dependent on me, early on, to ensure bills got paid and money was saved.

This pattern is one that has to be broken in terms of the balance of power - I had it in my marriage and it simply got more unbalanced as we both facilitated those roles - me having the control and direction and my H being a supportive, but passive partner. It will eat and eat and eat at you if you're feeling it already. You can break it, but it needs to be tangible: I would like you to take care of X, and I will take care of Y, and between us we will work together to take care of Z. That type of thing.

In many ways he's always seemed to worship me, which makes me feel good about myself.. my H also worshipped me, which yes is great, but it doesn't make up for the lack of respect that you feel - but he's become incredibly selfish, caring more about researching the latest game, than taking good care of his child, his house, himself, or myself. He has a good job, and takes his job seriously...

 

 

I don't want to sleep with him very often, because its' difficult to even get turned on-- he can see that, and I deny it... but it's the cause of frequent after-hours arguments. It's not just the physical part.. it literally is the rest that goes with it-- the house that is always messy unless I clean it myself; the unfinished rooms; the lack of interest in anything that I do; the lack of ability to talk intelligently about things that go on in the world. Try as I might I've lost respect for him, if I ever really had any to begin with.

 

 

I know a previous poster has berated you for speaking this way, but I understand what a lack of respect can do for you and frankly respect is earned - your H is not earning it, at least not in the way he needs to for you to feel that for him. This is a two way street (as I guess is most marriage/relationship interactions), but I don't believe this is uncommon as an issue - respect or lack thereof - it's just not usually recognized, or verbalized as such.

 

But, I haven't lost hope for our relationship. I can criticize a lot, but I think he's a decent father. He doesn't role model healthy eating, or healthy life habits... but he does play games and watch kid shows with her; reads her bedtime stories, cooks and bakes, and encourages her to be nice to people. He's home a lot, and tells us how much he loves us all the time. He's a good person. I want him in her life, and can't imagine putting her through the kind of pain breaking up would cause her. He works away from home a lot, and has proven over and over he's not terribly responsible, so I would probably get custody... but he'd lose her. he'd have a hard time finding time he can actually be SURE to be home to have guaranteed time with her... and there's no real work for me here, long term, I'd probably have to move out of town. I can't see how that would make me happy, breaking their hearts.

Logistics work themselves out - that's all they are - logistics. You have to deal with the emotional decision first.

And on top of that, whether we argue, or have sex, or not... we're still friends that have been through an awful lot together. He can be a total jerk sometimes (I'm sure I'm guilty of the same), but I can't imagine not being friends... I just don't think a friendship could possibly survive us breaking up... I care about him as a person. Always a difficult one, and also why many marriages stay together - because they're not horrendous, you don't dislike the person, you care for/love them still etc.

 

But there's this dream in my head, this almost forgotten dream... Where when I get married, I'm marrying someone I have a great deal of respect for, that's supportive, and intelligent, and that I find attractive. Who challenges me, and who actively grows with me. I don't know that after ten or fifteen years I can count on having a strong libido for ANY man (it's been my experience that it doesn't last that long for me with anyone)... but at least the admiration and sense of connection could last. I wish I had recognized this desire in myself before I married my H but I was too young at the time to understand it's importance. If this is important to you - it's not a dream, it's a set of values that you want in a marriage - and if you truly don't feel that it can be met with the man you are with at the moment, you do need to stop wedding plans and just take a time out mentally to work out how to communicate the needs you have to your potential H to see if he understands and can address and work on them.

 

And I was able to quash that dream, and tell myself, hey, that person might not exist. You owe it to your daughter to just try and make the relationship you're in work. If you can't, so be it, but put this FIRST. And I'm still trying. But the problem is.. that the possibility that if I left, that dream could be fulfilled, it's been reawoken by meeting this other guy... who if nothing else, is intelligent and thoughtful... socially apt, and clearly willing to grow. He LIKES dissecting the meaning of books and poetry, and debating right or wrong. He wouldn't NEED me to spell out to him how a thing is or isn't fair in a relationship, he could fight his own side of the battle without me needing to play both sides and decide for him. We could draw boundaries *together*. I wouldn't have to be sitting up on a pedestal, being both admired and resented. I feel this instant connection and attraction to him. We can literally talk for hours and hours. Our interests are even aligned. I'd kick this into touch and out of your mind right now - yes it's awakened your concentration on what you want again - and that's not a bad thing, but don't progress with anything to do with this person (even if that were on offer, which I'm not sure it is), as you're putting a whole other heap of emotional turmoil into play. One thing at a time. Also "dissecting poetry"etc does sound like you're putting HIM on a pedestal! And maybe he can do that but would be totally frustrated and uncaring when your daughter needs attention for example.

 

Anyways. After I kicked the **** out of myself for feeling this way, and looked at the situation more clearly, I DID realize that this other guy probably isn't "The One" and that even if I broke up with my man, we might not even have a chance to figure that out, since they're good friends and what not. Plus, I have a rule. Don't start anything new until you've dealt with all your baggage. and also, End or continue a relationship based on it's own merits. So, I'm not suggesting that I leave FOR anyone else in particular. I mention it because...I'm conflicted about what this guy's existence says about the possibility of fulfilling that dream with someone other than my fiance.

This is double edged - it's not that you would be leaving your marriage FOR this person, of course, BUT the desire for him (or someone fictional like him) will absolutely cloud your judgment in relation to your current partner, as you'll compare etc.

 

Should I abandon all hope of ever having this fairy-tale love I used to dream of... and instead, just nurture what I've got? Try to improve the relationship, try to improve our sex life, try to love the one I'm with and just quite literally, take one for the team? Try to fall in love? I'm going to say again, it's not a "dream" or "fairy-tale" you're talking about in my opinion, it's your values and what you're looking for from your life. As a contradiction to that, I'd say that no relationship is perfect - but you seem to know that anyway.

 

Or is it wrong to take that path? Is it wrong to marry someone you don't admire or feel respect for? I might not admire him.. but I do love him. And no one will be happier in the short term, not myself, not my fiance, and most certainly not our daughter if I left... and there are no guarantees that anyone will be happier in the long term either. I can see just the opposite happening. I just feel uncomfortable knowing that I can't say, in all honesty, the comforting things he needs to hear-- you're really ****ing smart, those other guys are idiots. you're really ****ing hot, I don't need anyone else. I'm so grateful to have you in my life. I feel disingenuous when I say **** like that. So I try not to. But maybe it's enough to have the other stuff. The cuddling and the support. The knowledge that we'll be there for each other no matter what. The ability to argue, and know when to apologize. The partner in raising children. Someone who's decent in bed and gives good back rubs.

That I can trust and laugh with, most of the time. And who puts up with whatever faults that I might have too. I just don't know. Gosh, I've probably said all that about my H and have taken years wondering why that's not enough for me, and continue to wonder if it's enough for me. But bottom line is that it hasn't been and its unlikely to ever be..

[HereNorThere]

Let's face it, you're being hypercritical of your husband so you look less guilty when you get caught cheating with his friend.

[whatcanitellyou]

Sounds to me like there's a parent child dynamic between you two, and that's terrible for a relationship. Postpone your wedding and get some couples counseling. .... maybe you can change this dynamic. You need a full partner and he needs to feel empowered, but marrying him as you now feel about him isn't fair to either of you.