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I feel like I am banging my head against a wall here. My last thread (18yrs Is Enough) was about the lack of sex in my marriage. By the end of the thread things had picked up somewhat and I was feeling encouraged I guess. While things haven't been as active as I would like they have been better in regards to sex.

 

Now I find a new challenge in front of me. I have mentioned before that I have had suspicions about my wife having an affair, I could never come up with anything concrete and I was probably just talking myself into it.

 

Something has changed. She started a new job in the fall that has her working a couple of late nights during the week. She is supposed to get out between 8:30-9pm but is often not home until 10:30 or 11pm.

 

She is talking about coloring her hair and getting into shape.

 

When she does get home she stays up until 3-4am (and then lies about it saying she got into bed just after I fell asleep).

 

There are a couple of more concrete things; I went onto her laptop to help my son look something up for school when I noticed a couple of recent searches. One was "How to get him to touch me" and the other was a bit more embarrassing (but it was more graphic trust me)

 

I checked her history and noticed that most of the history had been wiped clean. Normally I am not a fan of snooping but my foot was in the door so I checked out her cookies and found a number of websites that concerned me. Mostly dating sites (nothing with tons of screen time) but a couple stood out as being geared towards older dating younger.

 

On her other browser I found several searches regarding flirting (is he interested, etc), how to get him closer, etc.

 

My stomach has been turning ever since I found this stuff.

 

I will say I have no indication that she has any electronic communication with this guy via text, email, etc.

 

Given her history of bipolar I wonder if she might not just be getting a thrill out of it (hey, we had great sex over the weekend so there might be dividends), getting attention from a younger guy.

 

Aside from the potential damage to our relationship we both work at the same place and the guy would have to be a student there (not a young student, an adult). This could crush her career and humiliate me making it nearly impossible for me to continue in a job I really like.

 

Tonight I dropped in unannounced to check up on her. She was alone at her post.

 

I feel like I need to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to push her away, but at the same time I would not stick around if she were having an affair.

 

So what next? Keep tabs on her web activity? Keylogger? Continue to pop in unannounced?

 

Everything I have gathered from her online activity is that this guy may not even be aware of her inner desires in this.

 

Jeez, I need a drink lol.

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I feel like I am banging my head against a wall here. My last thread (18yrs Is Enough) was about the lack of sex in my marriage. By the end of the thread things had picked up somewhat and I was feeling encouraged I guess. While things haven't been as active as I would like they have been better in regards to sex.

 

Now I find a new challenge in front of me. I have mentioned before that I have had suspicions about my wife having an affair, I could never come up with anything concrete and I was probably just talking myself into it.

 

Something has changed. She started a new job in the fall that has her working a couple of late nights during the week. She is supposed to get out between 8:30-9pm but is often not home until 10:30 or 11pm.

 

She is talking about coloring her hair and getting into shape.

 

When she does get home she stays up until 3-4am (and then lies about it saying she got into bed just after I fell asleep).

 

There are a couple of more concrete things; I went onto her laptop to help my son look something up for school when I noticed a couple of recent searches. One was "How to get him to touch me" and the other was a bit more embarrassing (but it was more graphic trust me)

 

I checked her history and noticed that most of the history had been wiped clean. Normally I am not a fan of snooping but my foot was in the door so I checked out her cookies and found a number of websites that concerned me. Mostly dating sites (nothing with tons of screen time) but a couple stood out as being geared towards older dating younger.

 

On her other browser I found several searches regarding flirting (is he interested, etc), how to get him closer, etc.

 

My stomach has been turning ever since I found this stuff.

 

I will say I have no indication that she has any electronic communication with this guy via text, email, etc.

 

Given her history of bipolar I wonder if she might not just be getting a thrill out of it (hey, we had great sex over the weekend so there might be dividends), getting attention from a younger guy.

 

Aside from the potential damage to our relationship we both work at the same place and the guy would have to be a student there (not a young student, an adult). This could crush her career and humiliate me making it nearly impossible for me to continue in a job I really like.

 

Tonight I dropped in unannounced to check up on her. She was alone at her post.

 

I feel like I need to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't want to push her away, but at the same time I would not stick around if she were having an affair.

 

So what next? Keep tabs on her web activity? Keylogger? Continue to pop in unannounced?

 

Everything I have gathered from her online activity is that this guy may not even be aware of her inner desires in this.

 

Jeez, I need a drink lol.

 

definitely probable cause for digging deeper. Do not confront her yet as you have no real evidence. If she is up to something she will just deny it and then cover her tracks better.

 

 

This is a situation where you want to catch her with her hand in the cookie jar and have definitive proof. then you will finally see the light and hammer the final nails into this coffin you call a marriage.

 

 

maybe once you see that she is a sexual being with sexual feelings and desires but just not for you, you will finally free yourself.

 

 

so to answer your question, yes, install keyloggers on the computers she uses. Hack her emails, facebook, phone etc etc. Get some voice activated recorders and GPS trackers and hide them in her car and anywhere that she may have private conversations.

 

 

Dropping in unexpectedly is also a great tactic, just don't do it frequently or at regular intervals or predictable times. The best part of it is you don't have to actually catch her in the act. Just her actions and reactions to you being there will tell you all you need to know. If she acts surprised and agitate and uneasy and is trying to get you to leave asap, you have your answer.

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Old shirt gave you good advice on finding out if she is having an affair.

 

But - do you want to catch her having an affair, or stop her before she starts one? It feels like it might not be too late; she might not have started an actual affair yet. Maybe she's just thinking about it and there's a guy she's interested in.

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She is supposed to get out between 8:30-9pm but is often not home until 10:30 or 11pm.

 

...

 

When she does get home she stays up until 3-4am (and then lies about it saying she got into bed just after I fell asleep).

 

Have you asked her about these things? Has she explained why it takes her two hours to get home after a shift or why she lies about what time she goes to sleep?

 

There are a couple of more concrete things; I went onto her laptop to help my son look something up for school when I noticed a couple of recent searches. One was "How to get him to touch me" and the other was a bit more embarrassing (but it was more graphic trust me)

 

How can you be sure she wasn't doing searches on how to get you to touch her and to flirt with her and be interested in her?

 

I checked her history and noticed that most of the history had been wiped clean. Normally I am not a fan of snooping but my foot was in the door so I checked out her cookies and found a number of websites that concerned me. Mostly dating sites (nothing with tons of screen time) but a couple stood out as being geared towards older dating younger.

 

If someone went nosing around in my browser's search history, they would seriously find some questionable stuff. I can assure you that it's all innocent, but taken out of context, it would probably look really bad. I have looked at plenty of dating websites, for example. This is because I was participating in a message board post where people shared their online dating profiles and asked for critiques. My browsing history would look really bad to a spouse who was snooping around with the express purpose of trying to prove infidelity on my part.

 

I feel like I need to talk to her about it but I don't know how to bring it up.

 

"Honey, I've been wondering about what you've been doing with your time lately. Why does it take you two hours to get home after your shift? What are you doing when you go to bed so late, and why do you sometimes tell me you went to bed earlier than you really did? Also, I came across some of your browsing history, and I found some concerning things. Why have you been visiting dating sites and doing searches about flirting?" Obviously, don't rapid-fire these questions at her, but these are very normal questions that spouses would ask each other.

 

Just talk to her about it. I know some people would say that she'll just start covering her tracks better, but I think open and honest communication in a relationship is the first step. The absolute very last resort is to install a keylogger or do whatever to try to catch her in the act. But to live your life actively trying to catch your spouse doing something wrong would be such an unhappy existence. Keeping tabs, monitoring her web activities, popping in unannounced, waiting to find something... I don't know, to me, I think I'd rather be single than to turn into a private investigator trying to dig up dirt on my own significant other.

 

Everything I have gathered from her online activity is that this guy may not even be aware of her inner desires in this.

 

Halfway through your post, you started referring to "this guy." You went from going, "I have had suspicions" to there being "This Guy" who must be a student and must be younger. For me, it was kind of a strange shift because you said you've never had any concrete indication that she's actually cheating or even communicating with anyone at all.

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Have you asked her about these things? Has she explained why it takes her two hours to get home after a shift or why she lies about what time she goes to sleep?

 

 

 

How can you be sure she wasn't doing searches on how to get you to touch her and to flirt with her and be interested in her?

 

I was a little vague about the second web search she did. Just trust me when I say it makes it clear that it wasn't about me.

 

 

 

If someone went nosing around in my browser's search history, they would seriously find some questionable stuff. I can assure you that it's all innocent, but taken out of context, it would probably look really bad. I have looked at plenty of dating websites, for example. This is because I was participating in a message board post where people shared their online dating profiles and asked for critiques. My browsing history would look really bad to a spouse who was snooping around with the express purpose of trying to prove infidelity on my part.

 

 

 

"Honey, I've been wondering about what you've been doing with your time lately. Why does it take you two hours to get home after your shift? What are you doing when you go to bed so late, and why do you sometimes tell me you went to bed earlier than you really did? Also, I came across some of your browsing history, and I found some concerning things. Why have you been visiting dating sites and doing searches about flirting?" Obviously, don't rapid-fire these questions at her, but these are very normal questions that spouses would ask each other.

 

I did talk to her earlier in the year about at least texting me when she was going to be later than a certain hour, but she doesn't really even do that. Nothing necessarily nefarious in that as she has ADD

 

Just talk to her about it. I know some people would say that she'll just start covering her tracks better, but I think open and honest communication in a relationship is the first step. The absolute very last resort is to install a keylogger or do whatever to try to catch her in the act. But to live your life actively trying to catch your spouse doing something wrong would be such an unhappy existence. Keeping tabs, monitoring her web activities, popping in unannounced, waiting to find something... I don't know, to me, I think I'd rather be single than to turn into a private investigator trying to dig up dirt on my own significant other.

 

It certainly has been impacting my mood lately. Right now everything feels thin/reactionary. I am trying to get just a little better handle on it. Putting it in the open here helps a little but I am wondering if I might want to talk to a friend.

 

 

 

Halfway through your post, you started referring to "this guy." You went from going, "I have had suspicions" to there being "This Guy" who must be a student and must be younger. For me, it was kind of a strange shift because you said you've never had any concrete indication that she's actually cheating or even communicating with anyone at all.

 

I hear you. I didn't give you enough info to reach the same conclusions that I have. Some of the searches I spotted used "him" instead of the more general "men". Also a couple of the dating sites were specifically geared to May/December romance.

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Even if your wife hasn't had an affair yet, clearly she is fantasising about it. There are a lot of web flags here. A happy spouse does not go on dating websites, delete email traffic and look up ways to make themselves attractive to some younger potential lover. That sounds like the behaviour of someone on the prowl, or thinking about going on the prowl.

 

It is easier to catch someone who is having an affair than someone who is thinking about it.

 

I think you need to keep your powder dry and start snooping. Of course it doesn't seem the 'decent' thing to do and you may be uncomfortable with it, but her behaviour is leaving you with no choice. Either ignore it or start finding out what's going on.

 

I suggest a keylogger on the PC. Then the use of a VAR in her car. There are Secret Agent type websites, where you can buy all sorts of Spy equipment.

 

However, I suggest you consult a lawyer, because sooner or later you may have to give her a choice, marriage or divorce. Couples counselling may be worthwhile.

 

I think you have every right to be concerned. Good luck.

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Old shirt gave you good advice on finding out if she is having an affair.

 

But - do you want to catch her having an affair, or stop her before she starts one? It feels like it might not be too late; she might not have started an actual affair yet. Maybe she's just thinking about it and there's a guy she's interested in.

 

Excellent point.

 

For a normal person in a normal relatively happy and healthy marriage I would strongly agree that it is best to nip anything in the bud as soon as humanly possible. Once a WW has actual physical contact and especially orgasms with an AP the chances of that marriage ever getting back to happy and healthy are hugely reduced.

 

However Sparky has a long standing history of a loveless marriage and has suffered chronic frustration and dissatisfaction spanning close to two decades.

 

Her having enthusiast desire for another man, while being excruciatingly painful for him in the short term, would likely be the motivation he needs to finally let her go and move on to find happiness in his own life.

 

If he shows his hand now, the chronic dissatisfaction and frustration will likely just be prolonged indefinitely. However if he can go into detective mode and watch her pursuit and eventual affair with an AP(s) unfold with his own eyes, that may be the wake up he needs to move on and build a new life for himself.

 

That chic is obviously his of course on whether he wants to nip it now and maintain the status quo or go undercover and see firsthand what she is capable of.

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The last time I was on her laptop I reset her Clear History function to only the last hour as opposed to the entire history. I checked it today and got a screen shot of a bunch of google searches. Married but in Love... How to let him know you want him... Get him to Jump Your Bones

 

So she thinks she is in love with a guy. But it is equally clear that he has not let him know she is sexually interested.

 

I feel I need to confront her, offer her a way out.

 

Sadly given her mental health issues, etc. I think this could go badly. She had something of a mental break down a couple of years ago and I am afraid this could happen again.

 

I know they can't say anything, but I am wondering if I should talk to her therapist to at least let them know what is going on and how to approach her.

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Sadly given her mental health issues, etc. I think this could go badly. She had something of a mental break down a couple of years ago and I am afraid this could happen again.

 

I know they can't say anything, but I am wondering if I should talk to her therapist to at least let them know what is going on and how to approach her.

 

Crazy people cheat too. probably more than sane people in fact. The fact that she has mental problems really doesn't change anything. She is fix'n to get some guy to jump her bones whether she is crazy or stone-cold sane and sober.

 

Go ahead and talk to her therapist if you want but her therapist deals in mental health issues and this is not a mental health issue. it is a marital issue, an attraction/desire issue and a moral and character issue. Trying to hustle some guy at work is not a medical/psychological condition that needs to have meds readjusted. It is a behavior and character issue. Shrinks and medications do not cure character flaws.

 

This really does boil down to the question of whether you play undercover detective and watch her get into bed with some guy for some wild monkey sex so you have your justification to finally break free and live your own life.

 

Or whether you nip this in the bud and shut it down now so you can preserve the status quo of your decades long loveless life with a mental patient.

 

That choice is yours.

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My point about talking to her therapist was more about what her potential reaction might than enlisting their help to stop something.

 

Armed with my new information I will continue I monitor things but I can't imagine making it through the weekend without bringing it up.

 

To your point about this not being a MH issue, I agree that she has a choice to make, but this is exactly the kind of behavior displayed by people with BP disorder.

 

On a side note, 5 minutes of research and I found out if she cheats my state says I don't have to pay alimony (actually it looks like she doesn't even have to do it).

 

So if she does this she could potentially lose her job and any means of support.

 

If I were feeling particularly nasty I could send the guy a list of her meds. That might scare him off.

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My point about talking to her therapist was more about what her potential reaction might than enlisting their help to stop something.

 

Armed with my new information I will continue I monitor things but I can't imagine making it through the weekend without bringing it up.

 

To your point about this not being a MH issue, I agree that she has a choice to make, but this is exactly the kind of behavior displayed by people with BP disorder.

 

On a side note, 5 minutes of research and I found out if she cheats my state says I don't have to pay alimony (actually it looks like she doesn't even have to do it).

 

So if she does this she could potentially lose her job and any means of support.

 

If I were feeling particularly nasty I could send the guy a list of her meds. That might scare him off.

 

Why? It didn't scare you off!

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GorillaTheater

On a side note, 5 minutes of research and I found out if she cheats my state says I don't have to pay alimony (actually it looks like she doesn't even have to do it).

 

So if she does this she could potentially lose her job and any means of support.

 

Time to talk to a lawyer and find out what kind of admissible proof you need. We can help with the actual gathering of proof.

 

Honestly, from the sound of things there isn't much to try to save, and I'm sorry for that, man.

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tobrieornottobrie

I'm sorry that you are facing this situation, it must be difficult. I know throughout the thread you have mentioned that she has a therapist but have you considered marital counseling for both of you? Just something to think about. I hope that it gets better for you, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

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I have said before that I am not a big believer in MC but I suppose if she wanted it I would go. Sadly, if she thinks she is in love it's probably too late.

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I found out who the guy is. She searched his name. He is 29 and based on her search history he doesn't know she wants him. To be honest he is probably out of her league. While I still alternate between anger/sadness etc. I guess I can add pity to this as well. I think she may end up being his stalker.

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I believe if you are to a point where you have to be a detective it is time to get an atty. I also believe if i was in therapy and you tried to butt your nose in, i would leave you. Just confront her with what you have. It may jerk her back to reality. But before you do it, have a few copies made and put away.

 

And don't try to get her fired, either. Take the high road.

 

Good luck.

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GorillaTheater
And don't try to get her fired, either. Take the high road.

 

I agree, and I'll add a practical reason for not getting her fired: if you divorce, you want her working. Sure, the court may impute income to her if she's out of work, but I wouldn't bet your paycheck on it.

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FACT: she feels like she is in love with another man

 

FACT: she has Googled how to pursue this interest (she did not Google divorce, she has Googled cheating methods)

 

FACT: she has a specific man in mind and has been sexually fantasizing about how to get him interested in her

 

FACT: she has been actively covering her tracks

 

So...

 

1. What can reasonably be expected to be her behavior at this point?

2. How do you feel about that?

3. What will you do with this knowledge as it stands now?

4. How will you move forward with your life...?

 

YOUR LIFE...

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I believe if you are to a point where you have to be a detective it is time to get an atty. I also believe if i was in therapy and you tried to butt your nose in, i would leave you. Just confront her with what you have. It may jerk her back to reality. But before you do it, have a few copies made and put away.

 

And don't try to get her fired, either. Take the high road.

 

Good luck.

 

 

It's actually got nothing to do with me. If she sleeps with this guy and gets found out she will get fired. If we get divorced because she is cheating I am not going the no fault route.

 

I have all the info so far on a thumb drive and on my laptop.

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I agree, and I'll add a practical reason for not getting her fired: if you divorce, you want her working. Sure, the court may impute income to her if she's out of work, but I wouldn't bet your paycheck on it.

 

 

Why should I care if she is working. I have the comfort of living in a state that does not allow for alimony for adulterers.

 

After that her income is on her.

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FACT: she feels like she is in love with another man

 

FACT: she has Googled how to pursue this interest (she did not Google divorce, she has Googled cheating methods)

 

FACT: she has a specific man in mind and has been sexually fantasizing about how to get him interested in her

 

FACT: she has been actively covering her tracks

 

So...

 

1. What can reasonably be expected to be her behavior at this point?

 

Based on past experience I expect her to lose her ****. She has had a breakdown in the past, I full anticipate it could happen again.

 

2. How do you feel about that?

 

Having dealt with it before it terrifies me. For my son as much as for me. The last time he was too young to get it.

 

3. What will you do with this knowledge as it stands now?

 

I am feeling the need to talk to a friend about this. I need to confront her because it's killing me. I am having trouble sleeping, working, dealing with people. On a positive note I have been running more (good head space time).

 

4. How will you move forward with your life...?

 

I have no idea. If she keeps her job and has her fling/relationship and we get divorced I am not sure I will be able to handle working at the same place as her while she is maintaining a relationship with a student. I made this move a couple years back and the best I could hope for in a job change is a lateral move.

 

YOUR LIFE...

 

My life... good question. I am a 45yo non-tenured assistant professor... I am a flaming liberal atheist in a conservative Christian community... my prospects for romance would not be awesome.

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I believe if you are to a point where you have to be a detective it is time to get an atty. I also believe if i was in therapy and you tried to butt your nose in, i would leave you. Just confront her with what you have. It may jerk her back to reality. But before you do it, have a few copies made and put away.

 

And don't try to get her fired, either. Take the high road.

 

Good luck.

 

Oh, as for the therapy thing... it's not about butting in, it's about concern for her reaction. Yes, I am being done wrong but I still lover her and she is the mother of my son. The last time she had a breakdown she was close to going in for a 72hr commitment.

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GorillaTheater
Why should I care if she is working. I have the comfort of living in a state that does not allow for alimony for adulterers.

 

After that her income is on her.

 

Good deal. Just make sure you get the admissible proof you need. There are folks around here who can help with that, if you need it.

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According to what I have found all I have to show is inclination and opportunity. The other thing is that if we did go no fault any sexual relationship she might have during the mandatory 1 yr separation would qualify.

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