Is my wife obsessed with him?

[burtoncbell]

I've read some similar topics and wanted to share my story and also ask for your advice.

 

I am not normally a jealous person and snooping never crossed my mind before. My computer is mines, hers is hers. My PC had some issues so I used hers when she was at work. Normally, she shut it down before leaving but it was in sleep mode.

 

I woke it up. A facebook page was still open. There was this guy profile page, a short muscular jock and other opened tabs of his photos. I said to myself, Ok, I do the same, I take a look at photos of my female friends on facebook. Most people do that anyway. But I didn't find him attractive at all. He looked like an insecure jock that trains hard to brag about it.

 

But then, a chat window popped at the bottom of the screen. That guy. I read the messages, oh boy there's a lot of it. Over 1000 messages in three months. I didn't see anything really wrong... maybe except the fact that she talks to him almost every day. The guy compliments her a lot and she replies with smileys, icons and also send him bye bye/good night kisses (like those : good night ~~xxx~~). Honestly, that hit me because she never acted like this with me. She often initiate the chats. Also, he brags about his job, his training and his body. They did not met yet but looks like they are organizing an event with previous coworkers. I don't like talking to her on the internet because she says mostly nothing. It appears that this is a guy my wife used to work with 15 years ago and they were never close friends. From what I've read, my wife was the one looking for him on facebook.

 

The next day, she went to take the kids. Same thing, computer in sleep mode. Her facebook page is still open. I check through the messages, can't find the chat with the guy. I clicked on the messages Icon but couldn't find the chat. Got it, it's hidden in Archived messages. She deleted the evidence. Take a look at her facebook personal history... now it hit me like a shovel behind the head. She searches for him EVERYDAY on facebook. Even when I remember being in the same room than her but I can't see her screen. "SHE searched for JOCK". Many times a day. I checked through her browser history, she looks at his pictures everyday.

 

Yesterday, I tried something. I talked to her on facebook at when I was at work. She appeared online but did not answer. Back home, she went to take the kids again. I open her facebook and saw that she was talking to him AT THE TIME she was ignoring my facebook chat. This was very rude and in my opinion, this behavior is not normal. Why would you ignore your husbands chats and talk to this guy you stalk everyday?

 

She never had any cell phone so I can confirm they don't text but it still surprises me.

 

When she came back home, I told her I used her computer and a guy was talking to her. I asked her "who's that douchebag" and she was like "WHY?". She acted funny, smiling. I said I saw him on her facebook page and he looks like a stupid jock. She defended him, saying that he was a great guy and a friend of hers.

 

She said "i'll put a password on my computer if you snoop again!"

While she was in her bath, I took her computer to find it password-locked.

 

She came back, I asked why you put a password? She said to prevent you snooping around!

 

What is wrong with her? Is she obsessed with him? Is it the start of an emotional affair?

 

The rest of the night, she was particularly affectionate. She kissed me a lot and even gave me head, what I did not have for months. That was weird because I couldn't even enjoy it fully cause my head was racing, thinking about what's going on.

[Frank2thepoint]

She defended him, saying that he was a great guy and a friend of hers.

 

...

 

What is wrong with her? Is she obsessed with him? Is it the start of an emotional affair?

 

Yup, you answered your own question. She is definitely fancying the jock and she will continue to hide this from you. In addition, she will turn it on you for snooping, like she did already. It will get worst.

 

 

The rest of the night, she was particularly affectionate. She kissed me a lot and even gave me head, what I did not have for months. That was weird because I couldn't even enjoy it fully cause my head was racing, thinking about what's going on.

 

Ha, this is funny because she is trying to convince you that nothing is wrong. It's a ruse.

 

I've never been married so I can't give proper advice on how to proceed. Hopefully others with the experience will contribute. But I will advise that you need to prepare. Either try marriage counseling or prepare for a divorce. Either way, prepare.

[lollipopspot]

That sounds bad. Unless you have a reason not to want to rock the boat, I probably would come clean with her and tell her what you've said here. Your marriage may be in trouble, and best to try to repair it before it gets to a point of no return.

 

Controlling vs. trust is hard in this situation. Because this is recent, I wouldn't take her attempts to whitewash it to heart, I think I'd ask for an unlocked computer and complete transparency (even though people balk at losing privacy) because she's shown behavior that is concerning, and you're not trusting her.

 

You don't say for how long you've been married, but I often seriously wonder if people should try to negotiate open marriages after they've been married for more than a decade or two. I know they don't usually work, but many people really don't seem to be able to stay faithful, and just admitting it and dealing with it seems more sane and practical than all the cheating people do. I don't think affairs necessarily even happen because something is wrong with the relationship per se, but because people just want to shake up their routine. Whether people can shake up their routine without changing parters can happen sufficiently in all marriages I don't know.

[burtoncbell]

married for 12 years.

She never acted like this before or done anything like this to my knowledge.

[Assasda]

This Jock guy sounds weak.

He's a weak orbiter that just hangs around. And he's friendzoned.

 

I dont think you should worry about him OP.

Work on being more secure with yourself.

Learn that you cannot control your wife, you can only trust her.

And always be prepared to walk away.

 

Dont worry about that guy at all

[CarrieT]

If she feels the need to hide things, then there is reason to be concerned.

 

If he is "just a friend," then there is no reason to hide it, right?

 

I am one who has opposite-sex friendships but my husband is well aware of every person I speak to or spend time with. There is nothing hidden at all.

 

The fact that she isn't sharing anything about this "friendship" is disrespectful to your marriage.

[Brooke02]

I WOULD be worried.

If she has nothing to hide she wouldn't have put the password on her computer. She would've actually talked to you about it.

 

Couples who have nothing to hide do not have passwords.

I wouldn't trust this guy.. What starts as an emotional affair will lead to more.

You need to get this straightened out ASAP.

Been there done that, It won't end good. You've already lost a bit of trust as it is.

[GemmaUK]

How is your marriage in general?

 

 

Happy? Good communication? Still romantic and regularly have date nights?

 

 

Have there been any problems that she has brought up over the past couple of years?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it looks bad. She's treading in dangerous water here. It very much sounds like an emotional affair. The only problem now is that she's likely going to get much more secretive about her communication with this man, making it more difficult for you to find out exactly what's going on.

 

What's the state of your marriage recently? Have you seen other signs that something is off?

[burtoncbell]

She seems uninterested in going out in restaurants or date nights because to her, it's expensive and we shouldn't spend our money on that kind of stuff.

 

She gave me hints in the past telling me that I do not take care of her enough, that I am not romantic anymore and that I never do chores. This is not entirely false, but absolutely not 100% true.

 

Every time I do something for her, she seems happy.

 

A few years back, I used to drink a few beers every day after work. 1 year and counting, I only drink on special occasions.

 

I'm leaning on the positive side of life now.

 

She cares about me and was always supportive in my life. I love her, but this thing that's going on makes me feel sick in my stomach.

[lollipopspot]

She gave me hints in the past telling me that I do not take care of her enough, that I am not romantic anymore and that I never do chores. This is not entirely false, but absolutely not 100% true.

 

Heed the warning.

[Brooke02]

She's bored.

 

Marriage is a lot of work, it's hard to keep the flame going. I was married for 14 years with a very similiar situation your in. To be honest I don't know what good advice I can give you to help, except you two need to have a major heart to heart talk to her about this and see what needs to be done to make it better for both of you.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[irresolute]

This is one step away from disaster. She is obsessed, yes, and she might take this to the next level. You'd better be worried, very worried.

[elaine567]

Over 1000 messages in three months

 

Is a lot of communication. Do they have anything in common like an interest or hobby perhaps? 1000 texts discussing paintings or politics is different from general chitchat and kisses.

If the latter, then you may have a problem because at ~10 message a day for a whole 3 months, that is quite a lot, for people that are just "friends".

Ignoring your chat while speaking to him is another niggle, as is the new password.

 

It may be innocent, but the fact he is into body building and she is always ogling his pics is a bit suspicious too.

 

I think you have to confront her over this, you cannot sweep this under the carpet.

[irresolute]

How do you know they have over 1000 messages???

[tobrieornottobrie]

Have you considered some marital counseling? I think honest and open communication will be the best place to start, having a therapist or counselor may help, that way it's a safe place for both of you to talk. Best of luck, friend.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[GemmaUK]

She seems uninterested in going out in restaurants or date nights because to her, it's expensive and we shouldn't spend our money on that kind of stuff.

 

 

She gave me hints in the past telling me that I do not take care of her enough, that I am not romantic anymore and that I never do chores. This is not entirely false, but absolutely not 100% true.

 

Every time I do something for her, she seems happy.

 

A few years back, I used to drink a few beers every day after work. 1 year and counting, I only drink on special occasions.

 

I'm leaning on the positive side of life now.

 

She cares about me and was always supportive in my life. I love her, but this thing that's going on makes me feel sick in my stomach.

 

 

From what you have posted here she has been feeling sick to the stomach for a long old time.

 

 

This Jock guy isn't the cause, he is a symptom.

 

 

Sounds like she has emotionally checked out to me.

[burtoncbell]

How do you know they have over 1000 messages???

 

On facebook you scroll up the chat window and it says "loading 968 more messages"

[jackslife]

This is an emotional affair. Endless messaging, kisses etc. Emotionally each message is like a little nicotine hit for her and it validates her.

 

Get a babysitter for the children, switch the phones off and talk to her. Tell her that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Suggest a marriage counsellor. Tell her you love her and want to work on your marriage. But... be prepared to be gaslit, lied to etc.

 

10 messages a day to another man for three months is unacceptable!

 

One other thing, generally speaking, women have affairs because they are unhappy in their marriage. You need to get to the root cause of that unhappiness and address it.

[oldshirt]

This is an emotional affair. Endless messaging, kisses etc. Emotionally each message is like a little nicotine hit for her and it validates her.

 

Get a babysitter for the children, switch the phones off and talk to her. Tell her that her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Suggest a marriage counsellor. Tell her you love her and want to work on your marriage. But... be prepared to be gaslit, lied to etc.

 

10 messages a day to another man for three months is unacceptable!

 

One other thing, generally speaking, women have affairs because they are unhappy in their marriage. You need to get to the root cause of that unhappiness and address it.

 

 

This ^^^^^^^

 

This is at least an emotional affair. This is a serious issue that you need to take very seriously and you need to take definitive action before it turns physical.

 

She is going to deny it. She is going to downplay it. She is going to rugsweep it and smokescreen it. She is going to get mad at you and accuse you of prying into her business and of "controlling" her.

 

You have a choice, you can have a backbone and do what you need to do to keep your wife in your own bed and your family intact and ruffle her feathers and have her seemingly mad at you for awhile.

 

...or you can placate her and appease her and keep her comfortable and not rock the boat and have her drift away day by day until you realize one day that she really hasn't spoken to you or interacted with you for a year and that she has been wrapping her legs around some jock while you foot all the bills.

 

That choose is yours because you now know what's happening.

[burtoncbell]

Confronted her a few hours ago.

 

I accused her of having an EA with him. I told her that she have me and she cannot just creep on another man. I also asked her why did he gave her his number? She said because he is a friend! I said that she has obviously a crush on him, I am not stupid!

 

She denied it, saying that there's nothing wrong with the fact that she talks to him. She also said that I am jealous and must stop acting like this. She then started talking about something else. I kept bringing the subject to the table but she acted like she didn't care.

 

The hours went and I fell asleep on the couch. At one point, I opened my eyes. Laying on the other side of the couch, I could see the screen. She though I was still sleeping because I kept my eyes almost completely shut. I could see what was going on on the computer screen.

 

She was looking at his pictures again! She then went through their messages and copy/pasted his phone number. She opened her email, pasted the number and sent it to her other email account. She then deleted the sent message and the entire facebook conversation.

 

She is well aware that I know something is going on and she keeps on doing that! What the hell is wrong with her?

 

Counseling is out of question because she said we don't have any issues that needs counseling.

[Brooke02]

She's not gonna stop unless she knows you will not put up with it. You need to tell her she needs to cut all ties with this guy or your done.

Even if she does or says she's not talking to him your not gonna believe her. The passwords need to come off the computers, cell phones should all be free roam or browse, when you want. The trust will have to be built back.

 

I feel bad for you, I've been there it's the worst feeling ever.

[CarrieT]

She said because he is a friend! I said that she has obviously a crush on him, I am not stupid!

 

She denied it, saying that there's nothing wrong with the fact that she talks to him.

There is nothing wrong with having friends within the confines of a marriage - if AND ONLY those friendships can be shared with the marital partner.

 

If she has to hide her friendship, then it is wrong. Unless she is willing to share and open up about everything that is being shared with this guy, it is inappropriate.

 

Until she sees that, you have a huge problem.

[Mr. Lucky]

The passwords need to come off the computers, cell phones should all be free roam or browse, when you want. The trust will have to be built back.

 

Maybe someone on the other side can explain this to me as I've never understood - how do you justify locking your spouse out of your text, email and social media? It implies a wall that, in a healthy relationship, doesn't seem like it should be there...

 

OP, your wife obviously heading down a very dangerous path. People lie to protect those things they've convinced themselves are important to them. Act accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HereNorThere]

At the very least, change the WiFi password and don't give it to her, lol. But seriously, you're in big, big, trouble. Not because of this guy, because she doesn't respect you.

 

I mean, she's cheating right in front of you and laughing about it. You should take this sort of thing very, very seriously. Personally, I'd make that computer disappear or smash it to little bitty pieces with a hammer. You better man up right now because it's a lot worse than you think.