My husband had an affair on me with me PART 1

[Mal78]

My husband "and I have not been doing well for quite some time. We went through a period of separation and his return was not really discussed. He was tiered of his uncomfortable nights not really having a place to stay.

 

We have 5 children, we have been married for 18 years. I like to tell people we were "high school sweethearts" but the reality is we had unprotected sex once in high school and I got pregnant. It took over a year for him to re-enter our lives and because, at 16 years old I romanticized the idea of having a family I wanted "us" so badly we just figured it out.

 

There was no "falling in love", we, both stubborn and desperate from a childhood of agony wanted to make this work no matter what.

 

There was infidelity at the very beginning, however my husband was not really committed to anything just the idea that kids should have both a Mom and a Dad. However, as we grew and we "grew-up" we have learned to love each other and then his commitment to me grew. That being said, he loves me but not "In love with me" which I believe both are very important components in a marriage.

 

I'm desperate for validation, value and worth I decided to explore relationship sites ie. Match.com within minutes I knew this isn't what I want. I'm not interested in "other men's" validation I am so desperately wanting my husband's. I LOVE my husband. So I quickly came up with another plan.

 

I searched texting apps on my tablet. To my shock there was plenty to choose from. I found one that would give me a local number, it was free and caller ID would only show the number. A rush ran through me when I anticipated my first message to my husband via text. I came on VERY strong. Talked about bold sexual acts and that I wanted to be f**ked hard. I waited with anticipation hoping I caught his attention. Nothing. I re-read my texts a few times. I thought if he was going to have an affair it wouldn't be a nasty, tasteless and grude girl. I waited a bit then sent another text.

 

"Sorry liquid courage got the best of me I'm not really that bold, horny maybe but not bold". I got a quick response, my heart raced, "I'm sorry, do I know you"? YES but I no, I'm someone else, who am I going to be? Think quick... "I'm Stacy, I got your number from a friend about a month ago who said you were having a hard time. I am too, he thought we could help each other out". Perfect! I came up with that on the fly. I know my husband must have told a few friends we are having a rough time.

 

At first his texts were of a very curious nature. He couldn't figure out which friend could possibly pass on this gift to him. Stacy refused to budge, however she did want to meet. She tried to get him to come at a time convient for her, however my husband didn't feel he could easily get away at that time. He convinced her to meet after work. She dragged it out, he waited in the confirmed meeting place but a storm started brewing (perfect out) and she didn't show up although he waited an hour.

 

I'm not sure if it was the guilt or the rejection he did text her to tell her that although it has been fun he is not interested. I knew better and I know Stacy can be really convincing. She messaged him back about the same time next day. "I have something for you"... of course curiosity got the better of him and he replied. Stacy teased him for a bit. I could tell he was being very careful that perhaps he was not quite convinced this was real or a prank. Then Stacy sent a picture... a very naughty picture with the caption "would you f*ck me now"? His response was, "HELLO!!! Yes I would"

 

I

[Mal78]

Stacy and my husbands conversation got a bit hotter. As hot as my husband could take it (which is about a 2 on a 1-10 scale). Stacy was hot enough for the both of them. With each anticipated text my heart would go into over drive. He was texting back faster than Stacy could text.

 

At night he was different, a good different. Strange behavior for him. I would catch him looking at me. He kissed me randomly and sex that night was mind blowing!! Hmmm... I'm beginning to like Stacy she is bringing out a new man in my Husband.

 

Each day he would tell her he is not interested, he has too much to loose and Stacy would yet again rope him in. Some with sexual teasing, some with guilt and the fact she gave him a very vulnerable picture of herself that was somehow her test of faith to him. That he would be a real ********* if he teased her like this then shove her off. Besides they planned to meet Friday night. Oh the things they planned to do to each other! Again each night he would come home and the passion would be escalating.

 

At this point I tell my best- friend who is furious. "He is cheating on you"!! "No he isn't, it's with Me" she proceeds to tell me I might be going insane (we have been bffs for over 20 years, talk EVERY day and this was our first argument/fight). I explained that I'm ok with it because I know there isn't a real girl. She asks, "Does he know this"? She has a point and I told her I would stop.

 

This had become an obsession... an addiction. I still get excited thinking about it. I set it up to end it. I became a stalker. He had given Stacy his private email to be safer. Through that his Last name came up. He had told her that he didn't have Facebook. However Stacy found out he did and shares it with his wife. Stacy suggested she must have a leash on him to have to share Facebook (furthest from the truth, while he was in school a few years back friends/classmates would ask if they could look him up on Facebook. He told them that he didn't have Facebook but could look up his wife and she will pass messages. Of course he didn't tell me this and I was getting strange friend requests and messages. That's when I decided to make our Facebook as one).

 

Stacy might of suggested contacting me on Facebook. My husband got scared. Called the whole thing off and told me that night. He of course erased most of the texts and emails. None contained content implementing him in any way. He described her as a stalker. A crazy stalker.

 

I didn't tell him. Nor will I. He stumbled on questions I asked and was careful about what questions and how many so that I wouldn't give myself away. I got angry he didn't tell me sooner. He was relieved to tell me.

 

Am I upset he lied and didn't tell me everything? No.

 

The only thing I am upset about is how much he text her. Especially at work. He ignores 99% of my texts. When he replies they often proceed with "I'm at work, I don't have time for this".

This was NOT the case with Stacy. I don't think he worked at all during their texts as they were so fluent.

 

This have been much better. He admits that Stacy did help in some way and that is making him realize how much he loves me and would never want to lose it for the world.

 

I have been working in being a little more like Stacy. The fantasy is real and I am in love with the notion my husband fantasizes. He is very straight and narrow sexually. He isn't into exploring. I am being more like Stacy and helping him explore that.

 

Stacy might come back some day. Who knows but I think so marriages need a Stacy to liven things up.

 

Oh... If you were wondering how he was going to eventually meet Stacy how would that work? Of course I would come as Stacy. He would have been shocked and nervous as would I but we would have worked it out and Stacy due to her nature would have aggressively got him going.

[Mal78]

Rupert? I'm new here. Today, this was my very first post. I needed to tell someone as my bff rejected it. I know it isn't an answer for everyone but it worked for us/me

[SJS]

Am I reading this right? You set your husband up?

 

Trainwreck...

[Got it]

Hmm, okay. Just a little cray cray. But maybe that is what you two are into.

 

Why not come clean, and take this energy from both of you to improve your marriage. You can role play, there is no issue with that, but you don't have to hide or deceive each other to do it.

 

(Now who did I knock over with that statement? )

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Do you like pina coladas?

 

 

... and getting caught in the rain?

[elaine567]

Trouble with this little game play is that your husband being an intelligent man and not an idiot, may have liked his little game playing with Stacy and is now practising with Tracy, Macy and Kacy.

They may not be as coy as Stacy was in meeting up in the flesh, and now he is more adept at knowing how to hide his tracks too.

 

You played with fire there.

I hope it turns out as well as you hope.

[Mal78]

That is the one thing I wish I could do in all this... Tell him I'm Stacy. For one reason I'm afraid he will be overwhelm by what I know about his participation that he won't listen to me being OK with it. I know my husband and he will blow it up especially if his fantasy is fake.

 

He did say he was kind of flattered by the attention.

[Mal78]

That is what my bff is/was concerned about. In the end... me getting hurt. My marriage was beyond lost I was willing to take my chances... we were on the verge of divorce.

[oldshirt]

Bring some piña coladas.

[Mal78]

Oh my goodness.... I never really listened/read the lyrics to that song!

[oldshirt]

That is what my bff is/was concerned about. In the end... me getting hurt. My marriage was beyond lost I was willing to take my chances... we were on the verge of divorce.

 

Let us know if this silly (if not actually cruel) little trick pulls it back from the edge or pushes it over into the abys.

 

It worked out for Rupert Holmes but I have the feelings things like this won't work so well in real life.

[autumnnight]

I'm sorry but IMO you are BOTH dishonest. It's hard to feel sympathy.

[Mal78]

Chose this at a time that I had nothing to loose. I needed a reason to make it or break it. My husband whom is not "in love" with me has carried many years of anger and resentment towards me. We have our good moments but they were few and far between. I felt since last year a sense of dread and thinking about jumping off a bridge was a daily occurrence. This restored excitement and anew in our marriage. It has been great.... thus far.

[Lurkeraspect]

Chose this at a time that I had nothing to loose. I needed a reason to make it or break it. My husband whom is not "in love" with me has carried many years of anger and resentment towards me. We have our good moments but they were few and far between. I felt since last year a sense of dread and thinking about jumping off a bridge was a daily occurrence. This restored excitement and anew in our marriage. It has been great.... thus far.

 

Then be Stacy. Knock off the games and BE the person your husband is in to.

[Flawlless]

The problem with this whole scenario is now that "Stacy" is out of the picture and the fact that he liked the attention will most likely backfire on you . He felt a high and confidence boost that spilled over into your marriage....from another woman as far as he knows . This euphoria will eventually fade away and I hope for your sake he doesn't go out seeking that "high" again . I hate to say this but I think you started something innocently that may bite you in the behind .

[Mal78]

Thanks for the honestly all. This is what my bff was getting at. I quit Stacy for that reason.

 

I honestly don't think my husband will seek out another "stacy" she just fell on his lap and with much resistance he participated. He is quite a recluse otherwise. Stacy knew him to well so she was able to get participation.

 

On one hand I feel tremendously guilty on the other hand I never felt joy or excitement I did those few days. I worry telling him will backfire more then I worry about him seeking another "stacy".

[SincereOnlineGuy]

In all honesty, (and outside of the Pina Colada Song), I really DO see how such a risky move could help things to be better between you.

 

It is so easy to effectively paint yourselves into a corner in terms of communicating within a relationship. And just to have stirred things up a bit, and each likely been caused to show more of the needed shared vulnerability during such an exercise... may well serve to un-stick you from the would-be corner (from which deep communication is uncomfortable for both sides).

 

 

BUT, you now need to take the ball and run with it... and emphasize communicating, and NOT give one another cause to freeze-up and pout when things aren't going your way.

 

 

So there is hope... although it was dangerous to do.

[Mal78]

Thanks!! I really seeing it as a benefit... so much has changed for the better since my dh confessed about "Stacy". Communication has been the top of the list. The great thing has been is that I'm not hurt do I can enjoy his experience and talk about how it felt without hurt feelings involved.

 

Like I mentioned before, married for 18 years fresh out of high school. 5 children and 21 years together! We needed this... we are talking vacation together. We have never gone anywhere together EVER.

[Mal78]

Thanks!! I really seeing it as a benefit... so much has changed for the better since my dh confessed about "Stacy". Communication has been the top of the list. The great thing has been is that I'm not hurt do I can enjoy his experience and talk about how it felt without hurt feelings involved.

 

Like I mentioned before, married for 18 years fresh out of high school. 5 children and 21 years together! We needed this... we are talking vacation together. We have never gone anywhere together EVER.

[autumnnight]

So your husband confessed this alleged affair and probably feels like he horribly betrayed you, all the while not knowing it was YOU. You better hope he never finds out. If I were him and I found out....I cannot even imagine how angry I would be.

[elaine567]

Yes all this soul searching and guilt your husband is probably feeling is not actually fair, is it?

You trapped him and whilst he was an idiot for taking the bait, I am not sure he deserves to suffer like this.

I know you think it is fantastic and you are reaping the benefits of his guilt, but it is not real.

At least the lack of communication was honest, now you are both putting on an act.

[Mal78]

He confessed the "coles version" to what he wants me to know. He didn't implement himself in any wrong doing although I know exactly what he said. I did set him up. I did test him and again, I felt, at that point I had nothing to lose! I was in a emotionless marriage. I was broken from years of loosing an identity being a wife and mother and nothing else. I catered to my dh's every whim. I apologized for everything... He was mad about everything down to how his socks were folded.

 

I snapped one day. I was done being suppressed further into an ibis. Every moment of every day I walked on eggshells. His idea of initiating sex was to aggressively tell me "I can't suck my own cock".

 

I developed a serious condition after my second child (18 years ago) that has left me disfigured and somewhat debilitated. Treatment is far beyond what we could afford however him going back to school, getting his teeth done ($5000 worth of work) and a $900/month drug habit has come priority.

 

I don't cost money... don't get my hair or nails done. I don't buy new clothes... shoes...ect. I'm not taken on dates... I say no gifts at Christmas.. There has never been a birthday of mine in our marriage that he has remembered. They just skim past like nothing.. However if he isn't fussed over or spent on I hear about it for days. All he does for me working his ass off to provide for this family. However those are things he says if dinner isn't to his liking.

 

I snapped one day! Completely lost it and it still didn't wake him up. Then it went to me needing help, not marriage counciling... no because he is fine. So I am in counciling... alone. It's going well... trying to regain esteem.

 

Those few days that he treated me like he actually loved me was as much love as he shown me.... well... EVER! Him being my first and only I have never felt love like that. Given my childhood those few days... so be it the only few days for the rest of my life I will hang off of it. Never felt those feelings of excitement.. love... lust... euphoria before. Since I have been going to the gym almost daily... I have been taking my iron pills religiously (I'm also dangerously anemic) and trying to take care of ME vs. Jumping off a bridge.

 

Knowing my husband is capable (never thought it was possible) of loving me passionately regardless the reason (or if it is real). I will now show him I'm worth me. He will have to take notice or leave. I'm ok with either!

 

This Stacy thing, her being somewhat my alter ego is who more like I want to be. She gives me strength, she motivates me and I think about her often. I am in love with that girl more and more as each day passes.

 

She will disappear from my dh thoughts as she grows in mine. I will NOT feel guilty for that! I don't have a Mother, I don't have a sister, friends...ect I have been isolated for so long all I have now is Stacy. She is here to stay even if she never speaks to my dh again !!

[Got it]

He confessed the "coles version" to what he wants me to know. He didn't implement himself in any wrong doing although I know exactly what he said. I did set him up. I did test him and again, I felt, at that point I had nothing to lose! I was in a emotionless marriage. I was broken from years of loosing an identity being a wife and mother and nothing else. I catered to my dh's every whim. I apologized for everything... He was mad about everything down to how his socks were folded.

 

I snapped one day. I was done being suppressed further into an ibis. Every moment of every day I walked on eggshells. His idea of initiating sex was to aggressively tell me "I can't suck my own cock".

 

I developed a serious condition after my second child (18 years ago) that has left me disfigured and somewhat debilitated. Treatment is far beyond what we could afford however him going back to school, getting his teeth done ($5000 worth of work) and a $900/month drug habit has come priority.

 

I don't cost money... don't get my hair or nails done. I don't buy new clothes... shoes...ect. I'm not taken on dates... I say no gifts at Christmas.. There has never been a birthday of mine in our marriage that he has remembered. They just skim past like nothing.. However if he isn't fussed over or spent on I hear about it for days. All he does for me working his ass off to provide for this family. However those are things he says if dinner isn't to his liking.

 

I snapped one day! Completely lost it and it still didn't wake him up. Then it went to me needing help, not marriage counciling... no because he is fine. So I am in counciling... alone. It's going well... trying to regain esteem.

 

Those few days that he treated me like he actually loved me was as much love as he shown me.... well... EVER! Him being my first and only I have never felt love like that. Given my childhood those few days... so be it the only few days for the rest of my life I will hang off of it. Never felt those feelings of excitement.. love... lust... euphoria before. Since I have been going to the gym almost daily... I have been taking my iron pills religiously (I'm also dangerously anemic) and trying to take care of ME vs. Jumping off a bridge.

 

Knowing my husband is capable (never thought it was possible) of loving me passionately regardless the reason (or if it is real). I will now show him I'm worth me. He will have to take notice or leave. I'm ok with either!

 

This Stacy thing, her being somewhat my alter ego is who more like I want to be. She gives me strength, she motivates me and I think about her often. I am in love with that girl more and more as each day passes.

 

She will disappear from my dh thoughts as she grows in mine. I will NOT feel guilty for that! I don't have a Mother, I don't have a sister, friends...ect I have been isolated for so long all I have now is Stacy. She is here to stay even if she never speaks to my dh again !!

 

You don't see the host of issues here that this panacea of "Stacy" isn't going to solve? You are just in the eye of the same storm.

[Mal78]

Oh I know there is a whole host of issues. I can only fix me... I can't fix him or us if he doesn't want help.

 

It is what it is. Temporary or not. I am focusing on me now... have never done that before.