Are these things normal in a marriage?

[Keats]

Please help in providing your input on what's normal etc so I can come to terms with my current married life many thanks.

 

I honestly don't actually love my husband anymore.

 

I live with my in laws. I moved in as a newlywed. Stayed there while pregnant and still staying here with my 5 month old baby.

 

Most people couldn't hack this and I've since decided it was a mistake to do this. As it has cost me my mental health.

 

What has totally tipped me off the edge is my husbands lack of acceptance and understanding in aliveitaing my mental health and helping me to heal.

 

So here are my questions:

 

1) Is it normal for married couples for either to go away for a night or two? Or even a week? Would you object to your wife leaving to visit her family?

 

2) Why do men not listhen to their wives when they plainly tell them the problem over and over again and they refuse to do anything until the wife has fallen out of love? What's the logic behind this hurtful behaviour? (FYI my husband never took my words seriously now he's paying the price even if I don't want to make him pay. I'm just out of love, faith and trust)

 

And then here is the reason why I don't respect my husband anymore:

 

1) After giving birth and having a c section my husband didn't allow me to visit my home for a few weeks to heal. It was my first baby. I climbed stairs the very first night I came back and because I was so traumatised and confused carried on as normal with norm tasks. This was because I was depressed. It's ok if my husband did this I guess. But I can't get over the fact that I was in so much pain and he wouldn't allow me any alleviation from our living circumstances even when I'd been fresh butchered and had a baby then had to take care of one. I also breastfed. It has traumatised me. He eventually let me go only because I forced it and lost respect for him on the way

 

2) lack of privacy has taken it's toll. Again I suffered from depression after giving birth. It was a slow descent I verbalised to my husband. I even started to self harm to alleviate. The alliviation that would have helped if I visited home for a couple of weeks. In laws house is small, I can't cope with basic household stuff. I can't feed myself. Sleep is never going to happen. But I'm often walking around starved, and withdrawn. Feel so self conscious. And people do judge me. I have no space. When I'm angry with my husband he gives me no space until I push him away. This has all been incensed by the fact that he didn't support me while I'm labour.

 

It has over all made me believe that a woman is worthless especially when she's in physical or mental pain.

 

As predicted my husband won't allow me to go home to heal myself.

 

Throughout all of this he has been great with taking cadr of baby and me while I was physically down with a c section. But I just cannot appreciate these things. Am I wrong for feeling so? He was always there to cheer me up and I was cheered up but then he wouldn't be there and I'd realise I'm still a chicken living in a frying pan.

 

I told my husband I don't love him anymore. That him not allowing me to go has hurt me. That he the damage is done.

 

Slowly he realises my words are actually true. But its like pulling teeth and I feel ally teeth are now gone.

 

I have resolved now to tell him again that I am no longer in love with him. That I am willing to live in a loveless marriage or divorce.

 

But as you know that lifestyle is suffocating. I can't bear to look at or talk to him. I have totally withdrawn. I am just stuck on my phone because I cannot bear thinking too much. I do feel like I am slowly choking. The emotion is that much. I've become quite and just ignore my husband now. It's mean that I do this.

 

My mental health decline is attibuted to making and having a baby. And because I am breastfeeding I am all over the place as my body is not my own. However my husband failed to give me the outlet I needed.

 

I told him countless times, he cannot play the roles of my dad, mom and siblings and just being home. He still to this day stands by what he says that I should go for 3 days and return that he will help me with housework and baby etc.

 

But I've tried explaining that the things that bother me are the things he cannot change. And the things I need are the things that he cannot provide.

 

He has been so loving throughout despite hurting me deeply while I was down.

 

I guess I am waiting for all replies from you, positive and negative.

Edited November 16, 2014 by Keats

[Realist3]

No, they are not normal.

[Keats]

No, they are not normal.

 

*sigh* oh dear :/

[redtail]

That I am willing to live in a loveless marriage or divorce.

 

First off, I am so sorry, that is an unbearable situation, as you have already stated. But, I believe you summed it up quite nicely, your options are a loveless marriage or divorce. While divorce is hard and will take its toll in the short run, your sanity, your baby's future as well as yours, are at at stake and stand a better chance with a new start.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Keats]

Any advice? Any help? I feel I have ruined my daughters life.

[carhill]

Part of married life is being independent. Living with in-laws, presuming you're not on a country estate with your own quarters, is likely one aspect of the overall negative feelings here.

 

What's the couple's plan of action for life? Your H and you are a team. Is H impotent in the realm of planning and decision-making? You stated he's taken great care of the baby and yourself. Does that zeal carry over into other aspects of married life?

 

Personally, since there is a child involved and if there has been no infidelity nor abuse on either side, I'd give counseling a shot before tossing in the towel. Emotions can be situational and transitory. Counseling helps identify those where are and are not, clarify them and work them, as well as assist in strengthening marital communication. Sometimes that leads to greater intimacy and continuation of the M; sometimes to separation and divorce.

 

Good luck!

[Keats]

I just told my husband I don't love him. That I'm going home with baby and will return when I feel better or when our new house is ready to move in.

 

He's not happy that I'm taking baby away from him. And it has silenced him that I will return to a broken marriage or will accept divorce. I feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life. But then I feel so broken and uncared for.

 

I feel like everything is my fault. I am so emotionaless now

[Keats]

I just told my husband I don't love him. That I'm going home with baby and will return when I feel better or when our new house is ready to move in.

 

He's not happy that I'm taking baby away from him. And it has silenced him that I will return to a broken marriage or will accept divorce. I feel like I am making the biggest mistake of my life. But then I feel so broken and uncared for.

 

I feel like everything is my fault. I am so emotionaless now

[Keats]

Part of married life is being independent. Living with in-laws, presuming you're not on a country estate with your own quarters, is likely one aspect of the overall negative feelings here.

 

What's the couple's plan of action for life? Your H and you are a team. Is H impotent in the realm of planning and decision-making? You stated he's taken great care of the baby and yourself. Does that zeal carry over into other aspects of married life?

 

Personally, since there is a child involved and if there has been no infidelity nor abuse on either side, I'd give counseling a shot before tossing in the towel. Emotions can be situational and transitory. Counseling helps identify those where are and are not, clarify them and work them, as well as assist in strengthening marital communication. Sometimes that leads to greater intimacy and continuation of the M; sometimes to separation and divorce.

 

Good luck!

You are right he has shown zeal in every part of life. He's currently decorating our house. His only mistake was to keep me away from visiting my family when I gave birth and had a c section and when I needed to go home like now to recover from possible pnd because of our living circumstances. He said I cant go, then said I can go for p for 3 days and just now has agreed that I can go for the weeks I asked. But it's too late. I don't love him anymore.

 

I want to give this marriage a try and a go. I'll make it clear to him. Then the balls in his court.

[elaine567]

As you have just had a baby and seem to be a bit upset, I think you need to get some help.

Go home, get some family support, go and see a doctor regarding your mental health and leave any big marriage decisions until you feel better, is my advice.

[Keats]

As you have just had a baby and seem to be a bit upset, I think you need to get some help.

Go home, get some family support, go and see a doctor regarding your mental health and leave any big marriage decisions until you feel better, is my advice.

 

It's a bit too late. I already made a desicuon imy messed up state and feel I have hurt my husband badly. He's just turned into a zombie. I am regretting what I've done. I will make it clear to him again that I'm not well just need to get well.

 

The damage is done. I will just go home now. Then write a letter saying I don't really want things to end. And I could fall in love again.

[elaine567]

Keep communicating with your husband.

You have a baby together, he is not from what you say a bad man, an abuser or a cheat.

I am sure your marriage can survive this with a bit of help.

You are just unwell, you need to get well.

Good luck!

[SJS]

How much of YOU is talking vs how much of it is DEPRESSION?

[d0nnivain]

I'm kind of lost. Do you have a room in your in-laws house you share with your H? Why couldn't you physically heal in that space & then go home when you were a bit physically stronger. Since you live with your in-laws there were 3 other adults in the house who could help with the new born even though you were the only one who could breast feed.

 

 

To have your movement restricted seems controlling. If you aren't working you should be able to come & go as you please with your child assuming you can afford it.

 

 

Do you think that you could fall back in love with your husband if you two lived in your own space? Have you told him that?

 

 

Where do your inlaws weigh in on this? Perhaps you can get your MIL to advocate on your behalf. At the beginning her marriage she probably didn't want to live with your husband's grandparents.

[oldshirt]

go ahead and pack up and head home to where you will get some support. Also consult a physician in regards to the depression and mental issues. Untreated post-partum depression can be threat to both your wellbeing and your baby's. In extreme case it can put both you and your baby at risk for actual physical harm.

 

 

However do not consult a lawyer yet and don't file any divorce papers. And don't sign any papers if your husband files on you. You should not be making any legal decisions or signing any binding contracts or documents while you are in this state.

 

 

You do need someone to take you seriously and your husband does need a wake up call that you are in a state of distress. It may take you moving out and informing him you are not in love with him any more to wake him up out of his fog.

 

 

 

 

As it does not sound like there is any addiction, abuse, adultery or true abandonment and it does sound like your husband does love and care about you, there is not grounds for this baby's parents divorcing yet.

 

 

While I understand you are at the end of your rope and feel he is not there for you, please realize that a man can hear literally hundreds of different complaints and bitches and gripes from a new mother every single day.

 

 

No mortal man can filter out which complaints are valid concerns that need his intervention and action vs which are just venting that need a hug and an understanding shoulder to cry on.

 

 

Get out of the inlaws house and to a place you can receive some focused support. This will also wake up your husband and get him to take you seriously and hopefully get you the help and support you need. Keep the lines of communication open and don't burn any bridges or do anything that can't be undone.

[Got it]

I agree, it sounds like you may be dealing with post partum depression which is greatly impacting how you are perceiving the situation. Go home, rest, and go to the doctor. Don't make any life decisions at this time, just sit on everything right now.

[MTmama]

I am sorry that you are so confused and depressed. It does take time to heal from a c-section and birth. Have you and your husband discussed that marriage is a partnership? Your feelings and desires are important to be listened to, can you tell him how you feel? I understand that you don't know if you are speaking out of depression or confusion. Can you take a step back and ask your husband to give you space? Can you give him a time frame so he has a point of reference? I am sorry you are struggling friend. Please seek counseling if you need to, it might help.

Edited November 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Keats]

Thank you everyone for your reply.

 

Sorry if I've missed answering any questions.

 

At this moment in time I am emotionally alot more stable. I have noticed that I feel the same things but I am consciously able to remain calm through the mental suffering.

 

I did speak to my husband. We did make up and come to peace. There is no threat or danger of divorce etc which is such a relief.

 

I do love him. But I feel unable to express it or take joy in his expression because I am very hurt I guess.

 

I have learnt that my husband the closest thing to me doesn't value my physical or mental wellbeing. It makes me feel worthless. I cannot compute how my husband could have done this to me. And I know that I need his help in changing my beliefs. If he wasn't keen on letting me go home to heal myself. I know full well it was because he wanted to take care of me and he didn't want to fail me - but there were days I literally balled my eyes out, was over the edge, told him I wanted out of this life, and wanted to go home but he just somehow made the one thing - visiting my family - seem so out of question.

 

I wish he did this any other time other than when I was physically or mentally down. It has had a profound affect on me.

 

Currently we are normal. But I've told him recently that I just don't trust him to take care of me anymore, that I can't rely on him and I feelso disconnected from him. I don't really feel close to him at all. I mourn the loss of our connection everyday. I miss him terribly. But we just can't seem to be close because it's a false closeness that fades for me. I still remember my worth.

 

I am up and down and overtime I have come to this conclusion because each time we talk - where I talk to him he remains silent. He needs to do something anything that will counteract his not letting me go. To this day he won't just say something like "I should have let you go/ I will let you go next time/ I understand etc" his silence is feeding my mind to solidify it's belief in the fact that he still doesn't care about me or understand.

 

I've decided not to go home. I just can't face ever visiting home I feel because of this issue. Evrrytime I hear about childbirth, women, babies, hospitals etc it really brings my core down and reminds of this horrible expreienece.

 

That I'm not even worth anything when I've been cut open, when a baby came from me, when I was wanting to self harm and did and wasn't allowed relief or understanding.

 

I'm weighed with inner sadness and grief.

 

I guess I'll tell my husband one last time that he needs to do something. To show me he cares apart from being paralysed.

 

Otherwise I know what the future holds. Just distance. I know how I am as a woman. I will ditach. Emotionally and mentally. And we will all suffer. My future is dark. I know how these things play out. Even now I have been very teary. I am in pain. And my husband wants to help me. He didn't help me before. But I'll still try and he will stay quite. Something in me is preparing myself for a very lonely life ahead. Where I have lost a lot of love for God. I feel very alienated from my family. Distant from my husband. I have a lot of friends to talk to. I rant to them. Makes NP difference. The only person who I love and live with failed me. Not once but twice. The first time he said sorry then did it again. Sometimes I wish I was homeless. So nobody would be in my life to hurt me. No one would care about me. Then at least things would be clear. I'd die a horrible death too which would be a relief. But this is my stupid dark side.

 

I hope I make sense

Edited November 27, 2014 by Keats

[TintedChrome]

In my non-professional opinion, you're exhibiting serious symptoms of depression. I think you need to be under the care of a psychiatrist, ASAP. I'd also recommend finding a peer support group in your area for people with mood disorders. I think you need more support than what strangers on the internet can give.

[Keats]

In my non-professional opinion, you're exhibiting serious symptoms of depression. I think you need to be under the care of a psychiatrist, ASAP. I'd also recommend finding a peer support group in your area for people with mood disorders. I think you need more support than what strangers on the internet can give.

 

It happens to every woman on this earth after or even while having a baby. My doctor said it foes, it is unreported due to the very nature of women to feel guilt.

 

I think I would be ok if I did get support. Instead of everyone assuming a woman doing what nature intended is easy.

[Keats]

I thought I'd update... :/

 

I have stopped self harming.

 

I am less depressed.

 

I do still have episodes of deep sadness, but its manageable. Normal sadness etc.

 

My anger though is right up there.

 

I did visit home and got the help I needed. I told my family how I feel.

 

My husband understands me better. We made up. But....

 

And here is the problem.

 

I feel now distant from my husband. I don't trust him with my life or my wellbeing.

 

I can't seem to overcome the fact that he went about making it so difficult for me to go home and get some needed and neccesart support after giving birth. Its now been 10 months after childbirth and a c section and I still feel traumatised.

 

I feel better in one sense but in the other worse as it has created a distance with my husband.

 

He stopped me from getting help.

 

I feel he has crossed a line. And I am unable to overcome this.

 

Birth is a traumatic thing. I feel he didn't see this. I feel he was too possessive in wanting to help me himself.

 

But its like a diabaled person needed a wheel chair and the person they love deciding they love them so much that they will become the wheelchair for them. It's a nice sick loving way to totally control someone.

 

Does anyone umderstand me?

 

Really would like peoples views on this.

 

I feel what I feel so strongly as it's just who I am but could do with perspective.

[Keats]

In short I feel like a less dramatic person.

 

I appear normal to everyone now.

 

But inside I am a broken person. Going about life quietly. Holding a lot of anger. I feel like a zombie.

 

I have pushed my husband away. I have told my husband time again that he needs to undo what he did by taking me home asap when I feel sad again. But sadness comes everyday and he's been slow to give me what I asked. I feel I've given him so many cajnces and spelled it out and repeated the same thing and asked him.

 

Now I'm just tired. I have now just totally cut my connection with him. Feel my life is solo.

 

Can't even feel sad anymore. I just blame him.

[CarrieT]

Keats, are you in therapy at all?

 

Because none of this will change until you start opening up to a licensed therapist about all these feelings.

[MuddyRock]

I think you are being a bit too sensitive about this. Of course your husband didn't want you to leave when you just had his child. I have had children and really you are quite capable of doing normal things after. Take it easy yes but your certainly not on bed rest for weeks after a normal c-section. Your husband doesn't know what to say because he is dumbfounded by your reaction to depression. He cannot help you. Don't keep expecting him too. This is depression and without therapy your not moving past this.

As a husband he didn't want you leaving him, especially with his new baby, who he has every right to bond with too.

Your husband is trying to build you a new house so you are staying with inlaws. That's a pretty typical situation.

[Chump_No_More]

My gut tells me this is significantly the post partum depression talking. When you say you're self-harming, I'm assuming you mean 'cutting'. Absolutely, the emotionally pain is real, but if you're cutting, you need to get to a hospital ASAP and be evaluated before something more distressful/permanent occurs. Seriously, in your present state, you can't trust anything you're thinking or feeling... from the content and tone of your posts, you're literally bouncing all over cognitively and emotionally.

 

To the other posters, I would remind ya'll that we're getting only one side of the story here. We don't know what the husband knows or that there are some legitimate reasons for not wanting his wife to go out of town in her present state... I can think of at least a half dozen, off the top of my head. For all we know (and she's expressing some agreement), the husband is taking excellent care of his wife and baby. We should all be mindful of the fine line between supportive and enabling.

 

Again, my best and only advise is to get evaluated by a professional ASAP. Good luck and please take care!