our relationship post baby.

[tawaraya]

Our son is 4 months old, the first month of his life he was in the n.i.c.u.(neonatal intensive care unit) about 2 hours from where we live. My wife spent the entire month there as she didn't work, or do much of anything. So every 3 days i would come up and spend the night, then head back down the next afternoon. Our sex life was nonexistent, which i get, and don't really place a lot of importance on. We had sex about 3 times during that month, which was the only time we were intimate at all. The rest if the time we talked on the phone, texted, and when i was there with her it was awkward and i felt as though i werevstepping into her little world where i didn't belong.

So we get baby home, and he's okay, normal baby stresses, lack of sleep and such. But we became so distant, barely able to communicate, like we were just roommates taking care of him together. Sex was awkward, like having sex with a stranger, and thoroughly unenjoyable for me. Her sex drive tanked, and so i taught myself to cope with it. I do not like to be the agressor, since it makes me feel like i'm guilting her to do it, and being selfish for even asking, so most of our relationship i let her be the agressor. Before baby she had a very strong sex drive, just like me, so it worked out perfect. Almost everyday, for 3 years, different positions, toys, and sometimes other people added to our sex life.

 

About a month ago, i started looking into swinging again, knowing full well that my wife wasn't interested anymore. I was only looking as us as a couple, and not for myself, or to cheat. My wife found out, and said sending pics, and talking to another woman about that stuff was the same as cheating. We made up, and i stopped looking around. But now i've just given up on sex at all it seems. My wife has tried to interest me, and i just feel indifferent. I don't enjoy having sex when my son is around since we can't take our time, so it always has to be quickies(which i loathe) and i am not quick about it. We still love each other dearly, but sex is just awkward now.

[Poppygoodwill]

What you're discovering is that the major life change of having a baby has also majorly changed your sex life. This is pretty normal for there to be a major period of adjustment as babies take up so much time and energy for all concerned. But I think it would be helpful for you to distinguish whether you miss sex, or intimacy, more. Your wife's energy and attention is completely wrapped up in the baby, which is entirely natural and normal, especially for a baby that had a rough start. If it's intimacy that you're most worried about, that feeling of closeness, now is a good time to explore the myriad of ways you can be intimate with your wife without it involving sex. She's probably missing intimacy too, but if she feels she has to work up the energy to 'put out' in order to get it, she might decide to have a much-needed nap instead. What other ways could you be intimate, without it having to lead to sex?

Edited November 15, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[xxoo]

You need to get a grip before you really damage your marriage. Babies are only small for a short time. The way you support and connect with your wife at this time of monumental change will affect her long term desire for you. She's already coming around and trying to connect. Meet her effort, support her, and you may enjoy a long, happy sex life as parents.

[tawaraya]

C section.... we were in the lifestyle before baby, and during pregnancy, he was not a result of this. I take a very active role in the care of our son, as soon as i'm home from work i take care of him until i go back to work the next day. Pretty sure i have postpartum depression, and have had moderate to severe depression all my life, so i'm not sulking.

[elaine567]

Your wife had a C-section?

Sex after C Section | New Health Guide - I think your wife was extremely brave/stupid to have sex 3 times with you in the first month after the C section.

 

If you are depressed then go get help.

[SJS]

I'm assumming this is your first child? Did you expect life would return to pre-baby normal after she gave birth? Did you read any parenting books or talk to other parents beforehand? How old are you?

 

Sorry to say, but you sound like a self-centered inconsiderate jerk. Your wife "doesn't do much of anything" because she isn't working and stayed with the baby...IN THE HOSPITAL? BS that you don't place a lot of importance on sex. You're not getting any...surprise, that's what happens when a woman's body is healing from having a baby, so you look elsewhere and then come to us to whine when you get caught?

 

As others have said, get over yourself. If your so depressed then do something about it other than whine here.

[Ninjainpajamas]

C section.... we were in the lifestyle before baby, and during pregnancy, he was not a result of this. I take a very active role in the care of our son, as soon as i'm home from work i take care of him until i go back to work the next day. Pretty sure i have postpartum depression, and have had moderate to severe depression all my life, so i'm not sulking.

 

You do realize this is a forum with women who have had children and have likely been the same as your wife, right?

 

You should have probably found a male forum, because you just put your head on a chopping block here and aren't likely to get a lot of sympathy.

 

Many women don't understand or accept how sex delivers intimacy for many men and it's a part of them feeling intimate and close to their wives/partner and with that missing can make a man feel detached and forgotten, especially with a baby in the picture (which is essentially seen as your fault and your sacrifice basically, I'm not sure why a mans needs are so often negated because of a woman's however as if it had no impact on you)...it's just not something many women see as any priority, but as just a selfish act that men like to impose on women by objectifying them...basically putting her needs on the pedestal while a mans job is to essentially suck it up and not whine, that's why you get the talking parrots of men who just back-up what the women say, they are trained well...why do you think so many husbands sit in a corner and don't say anything (especially in public) that would oppose his wife? men like that are a dime-a-dozen, they're in husband mode, only to say what is appropriate.

 

I'll make this real simple for you...the only thing you're allowed to do is be caring and supportive, regardless of what you are lacking. If you express any lack of within yourself women will simply point the finger back at you like fighting children and say "Well what about what SHE NEEDS"...you'll never win, you'll never get anywhere, it'll basically go around and around and they won't be convinced in the slightest, they are steadfast in this feeling.

 

Within that being said, as a man who believes men are allowed to have needs too....is that although you are feeling this way, I think you really need to give your wife some time to recover from this baby-making business. It can't be easy going what she has went through, and yes the fact that it didn't come out of her vagina would make me believe that she would be more quick to recover back into having sex again but there's obviously more to it...I think emotionally and psychologically it takes a huge toll and that can't be underestimated, I think the right attitude would be communicating with her and finding out how she feels and what she needs as well as how you've been feeling ever since she's had the baby.

 

You have to be able to understand her needs as well as her understanding yours....however, be warned, a lot of women have a really hard time seeing or feeling outside of themselves, for all the expression and expectations they have and expect towards themselves, they typically reflect very little of that in return...be prepared to get nowhere and just fight and argue, this is often why many married men just don't even waste their time fighting about it and just deal with it until hopefully it passes over like a storm.

 

Personally, I couldn't do that...but being that she had a baby, everyone is going to slam your around like a rag-doll saying you have no right.

 

What you did by looking for other women or couples as a couple was BS though, you weren't really thinking about her when you were doing that, I understand you're sexually frustrated but if there's one time you put her needs before hers, even if she doesn't have a good excuse why, even if it doesn't feel right...this is the time to do it.

 

You too have a right to your needs and feelings, it's all about how you deliver that message. If you do this kind of behavior behind her back she's going to feel very upset, hurt and hold it against you big time. You really need to face the issue head on instead of sneaking around...this is basically the real life marriage test, all that having sex every day for 3 years was just the intro, I've known guys who married wild strippers and porn stars that had their sex lives dry up like the Sahara dessert post-marriage and baby...a lots going to change, and you're likely not ready for it. Unfortunately a lot of men aren't expecting that and when it does, they want to get the hell out of dodge...but that's the way it is, it's a shame men aren't forewarned about all the changes they are expected to deal with, I think they would have second thoughts about marriage at the least if they were better informed.

 

Too late for that now though.

Edited November 16, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[elaine567]

Within that being said, as a man who believes men are allowed to have needs too....is that although you are feeling this way, I think you really need to give your wife some time to recover from this baby-making business. It can't be easy going what she has went through, and yes the fact that it didn't come out of her vagina would make me believe that she would be more quick to recover back into having sex again but there's obviously more to it...I think emotionally and psychologically it takes a huge toll and that can't be underestimated, I think the right attitude would be communicating with her and finding out how she feels and what she needs as well as how you've been feeling ever since she's had the baby.

 

A caesarian section is major surgery, a fact often forgotten in all the clamour around the baby, this is not just "emotional and psychological" stuff, this is abdominal surgery. The patient should be treated in the same way as any other operation. Just because the vagina is intact, means nothing, the womb has got a huge big cut in it and she has a big abdominal wound too.

 

So here we have a wife who has a baby in intensive care, has also just had major surgery, who may be trying to master breast feeding and has all the fears and worries of a first baby vs a man who is just whining about wanting sex...

OK so we look as this in another way. Man loses job, man has cancer, man has now to look after very demanding elderly mother too (wife out to work), man has just had abdominal surgery.

BUT wife is moaning about lack of once a night sex, woman goes looking for sex with other men. What a bitch, eh?

 

Do not try to play the male victim here Ninjainpajamas, there is no leg to stand on.

 

If it was really all about needing intimacy with his wife, then why go chatting up other women?

[xxoo]

It's common for both parents to have basic needs met unmet in the first months following the birth of a child. It's a season, and it passes. Adults who can not understand and handle this are not ready to be parents.

[oldshirt]

don't let the naysayers and head-shakers get you down, I was in exactly your shoes 12 1/2 years ago and understand exactly where you are coming from. I have even been very involved in the swinging lifestyle to various degrees for almost 10 years so I even understand the swinging aspect of it so you are not a lone voice lost in the woods.

 

 

There's good news, there's bad news and there's some rays of hope on the horizon.

 

 

First lets get the bad news out of the way - Having babies sucks and it's miserable and it's not fun and it ruins a lot of fun things you used to do in your "old life."

 

 

There I said it. Having babies is not fun, it's not joyous, it does NOT bring couples closer together and fosters intimacy. If anything it deals a huge blow to their intimacy and closeness and connection. What it does do is raise the stakes and makes the cost and hassle of separating a million times higher.

 

 

And yes, libidos tank. Time and energy for intimacy dwindles and what infrequent "mercy sex" that does occur in the post-baby days is disappointing and lackluster and often more frustration than what it is worth.

 

 

So what's the good news?????? (please for the love of God, say there is some good news to all of this!!! LOL)

 

 

The good news is like what XXOO said, it's a season. It can pass and some of the lost intimacy and passion can come back if the core and foundation of the relationship is not cracked and broken during the horrible days.

 

 

In my case, my wife's libido did not return to any appreciable degree and we did not have any "good" sex until after our youngest was about 2 years old.

 

 

I'll be frank, there were many times I wanted to cheat and find a GF to take care of my needs on the side. And there were times I just plain wanted out and wanted to just walk away, leave her everything, pay child support and live in my own cardboard box under a bridge if I had to.

 

 

I didn't do it because that's not how I was raised and my parents would have disowned me and my friends and family would've looked down their noses at me...and I truly did want the best for my children as I did/do love them.

 

 

But that is the only thing that kept me around during those dark days.

 

 

Society is nothing but a big conspiracy that lies and deceives people into thinking having babies is a good thing. It's because if people knew the truth ahead of time, people would sterilize themselves at the first sign of puberty.

 

 

But OK now that my rant is over and I am off my soapbox of doom, lets get back to the topic -

 

 

- it's a season, it passes.

 

 

If you can maintain a good working and supportive and respectful relationship during the dark days of diapers, most of the closeness and intimacy can return.

 

 

...cont...

[oldshirt]

......cont..

 

 

The intimacy can and often does return. In our case it returned to lesser but still adequate level. I'm sure some couples can come out the other side with an even greater level.

 

 

and unfortunately many come out the other side permanently damaged and never fully recover. There is a reason there is the "7-year itch". it is because by that time the pressure and resentment and frustration has built to where things boil over and people move on.

 

 

So here are some things to consider -

 

 

- the bedroom life is gonna suck for awhile. No ands or ifs about it. Just accept it and get used to having an extra spank in the shower when you have to. It's ok, we've all been there and done that with babies in the house.

 

 

- in order for her to feel close to you and want to have you anywhere around her, you are going to HAVE to put some of your needs on the backburner for awhile and you are going to have to shift a good deal of your time and energy to supporting her and the baby. If you don't she will grow resentment like mold in a wet, damp corner. If she gets resentful, her libido and desire will never return ....FOR YOU. She will still respond with attraction and desire for another man if some other guy shows her attention and support however so take heed of this very very seriously.

 

 

- It may take a year or two for her body, attention span, hormones and balance of time and energy to return to any level of romance/sexuality. If you whine, moan, bitch, complain or pressure her during that time, it will just delay that process and prolong the suffering and foster both her and your resentment.

 

 

cont.....

 

 

-

[oldshirt]

cont..

 

 

From one swinger to another, take swinging completely off the table for now. Don't mention it, talk about it, lament over it's loss or bring it up in any fashion for now.

 

 

What she said about chatting, sending pics etc as cheating is her perspective on it now. She has stated her boundary and limits as a swinger so take that to the bank.

 

 

If you breach that, she has just grounds to consider it adultery and take actions as such.

 

 

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. YOU MAY NOT GET ANOTHER WARNING.

 

 

 

 

Now on the bright side, most couples don't get into swinging until after they have had all the kids they are going to. (we didn't get into swinging until after the kids)

so there is a chance you can return to it after you have had the kids you are going to and after they are older and can at least be left with sitters without causing too much discomfort.

 

 

That is assuming you can be trusted now and don't screw things up now.

 

 

There is nothing you can do to bring back the swinging lifestyle now but there is a million things you can do to screw it up to where you never do it again so just put all those aspirations on indefinite hold for now.

 

 

 

 

cont....

[oldshirt]

cont..

 

 

 

 

so all that being said, she doesn't get a completely free ride and off scott-free either here. She is going to have to give a little and compromise a little here too.

 

 

It is a simple fact that men give and receive love and commitment and support and devotion through their sexualities. A man simply cannot love and be devoted to or committed to or faithful to a woman that is not sexual with him.

 

 

Sorry moms and ladies, that is just biological fact. A wife and mother needs love and support but so does a husband and father. A man's support comes in the form of respect and sexuality. If a man is treated as nothing more than a paycheck and childcare provider, he WILL walk eventually. No exceptions.

 

 

The choice here is quite simple, if she wants the child's father to be in the home and providing support to her and the baby, she is going to have to support him too and that support is in the form of romance/sexuality.

 

 

There's probably no way she can do it every day or even every week and there is probably no way it can be wild monkey sex swinging from the chandeliers and no way she can be swinging. But if she wants and intact home and family, there does have to be some marital sexuality taking place.

 

 

The truth of the matter is she still needs lovins and romance and sexuality too, she just doesn't always realize it. Both people are going to have to compromise some and be a little more open and cooperative with each other and communicate there needs and draw a line in the sand on what they will and will not accept and both people need to find some common ground even though it will probably be less than what they actually want.

 

 

And again, keep reminding yourself that this is a season and it will pass as long as permanent damage isn't done by either party or to either party.

[oldshirt]

and finally I am going to recommend two books.

 

 

One is called, "The Proper Care and Treatment of Husbands" by Dr Laura Schlesinger.

 

 

This is the book that literally saved my sanity and likely saved my marriage when I was going through this. This book does a great job in spelling out that men really do need respect and sexuality in order to be loving and supportive of their wives.

 

 

It also spells out that men need to be loving and supportive of their wives and families in order for the wives to desire them, but often with newborns women do become so focused on baby things that they really do neglect and resent their husbands and then can't understand why two years later once their libido returns, now the husband is moving in with some other gal and is only sending her a child support check but is otherwise not giving her the time of day.

 

 

And the other book I recommend is called, "The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay does a really good job of differentiating the whole "Alpha vs Beta" concepts and when babies show up there needs to be a whole lot more Beta support taking place and much of the 'Alpha' traits and behaviors that originally attracted the woman, now need to be put on the backburner (but not eliminated) for a period of time.

 

 

The goal here is to be supportive and loving and faithful and committed, while at the same time still remaining a virile and attractive "MAN".

 

 

Admittedly it is a very hard tightrope to balance and no one does it perfectly. Some of us came very very close to the abys before we were able to correct things.

[anne1707]

I know it's a bit of a t/j but I have to say Oldshirt how good it was of you to provide such a detailed, honest and challenging response for the OP. I hope he listens to you.

[oldshirt]

the ray of hope here is it sounds like you had a very good and exciting sex life before kids so that means that you should be able to eventually return to at least part of that as long as neither of you screws this up now.

 

 

It can and often does get better. you will survive it. Millions of people before you have.

 

 

and for what it's worth, I had holes poked into my nutsack and had my plumbing disconnected and spent a few days with an icepack on my parts so I would never have to go through what you are going through ever again.

 

 

And if I were to find out that things had rerouted themselves and that I was no longer just shooting blanks, I would do it again in a heartbeat LOL