I'm so hurt

[DayzedNConfused]

I've been lurking for a few days and finally decided to register and post my problems.

 

 

I have been married for 20 years. We have two children, a 20 year old son, and an 18 year old daughter. Our son dated a girl for 3 years, and they recently broke up. We were sad, of course, as she had been part of the family for 3 years.

 

 

My husband has been on a temporary assignment for the past 6 months or so at his job that takes him away from home a lot. He is gone anywhere from 2-5 days a week. This has really taken its toll on me. I miss him, and I feel like I am always coming in second. I know his job is important, and it means a lot to him, and I support that fully. But there are other things going on.

 

 

My husband and I have practically raised his 25 year old niece. She comes from a broken home, and has had her share of heartbreak in her life. She is also an alcoholic. Her problem has gotten worse in the last year or so. We have tried and tried to help her, but until she is ready to admit she has a problem, there is really nothing we can do.

 

 

I had a heart attack the end of July. Shocking, because I have always taken good care of myself and thought I was a pretty healthy person. My husband was 5 hours away at work when it happened. He rushed home to be with me, but then his niece had an episode (she got falling down, pee your pants drunk) - and as I was being transported to a bigger hospital, my husband was chasing his drunk niece around town and trying to sober her up once he finally caught up with her. I was scared and alone for over 16 hours.

 

 

My husband is an avid hunter and so are our children. I tried to enjoy it, but it has just never been my thing. Our son's girlfriend that I mentioned earlier, however, fell in love with hunting the first time my husband and son took her. Last weekend, my husband asked son's ex girlfriend (I'll call her Amy from now on) if she was interested in hunting with him as our daughter had to work, and our son was out of town. Amy was thrilled with the invite and showed up at 5:30am on Saturday to spend the day hunting with my husband. It wasn't a big deal when she was dating my son - but I think it's inappropriate now that they are not together anymore.

 

 

My husband is gone again this week. He text me today and asked if my vehicle would be available for him to take our dogs hunting on Saturday (we have bird dogs - they hunt pheasant) this is something that I really do enjoy doing. Not the actual shooting an animal part, but going along and working the dogs. I asked him if he was going alone. If our kids were going along, there would not be room for me to go also. He said that they were both busy, and that he had asked Amy if she wanted to go. She had gone with my husband and kids last year and enjoyed it. He never asked if I wanted to go.

 

 

I got a little pissy with him through text and told him not to let me interfere with his plans. He asked what that was supposed to mean. I said "Maybe that I miss you, and I need you, and it would be nice to spend some time with you and it hurts to be away from you." His response was "I don't mean to hurt you. I will be home midday Saturday until I go hunting in the evening."

 

 

I was so hurt I just turned my phone off and cried. That was 3 hours ago.

 

 

I don't know what to do, or how to get him to understand that I need him, I miss him terribly, and I can't keep coming in second.

[sagamore]

Hoo boy. No good way to say this...but I would be worried about him teaching Amy how to grip his gun. The other one.

 

At a minimum, he is failing to make you and your marriage a priority. But it sounds like there may be bigger issues. I'm so sorry.

[Emerald_11]

I agree it is a bit weird and inappropriate that he is going alone with his son's ex-girlfriend. It is a whole different dynamic when there is a group of people. It is possible that it is totally innocent. It wouldn't be surprising if he views her as "like a daughter" to him BUT she is not HIS daughter. Maybe he needs to see it through someone else's eyes and have it pointed out to him how strange it is that he is taking a young girl hunting instead of his wife. Maybe her ex-boyfriend should tell your husband how he feels about him taking her hunting.

It is probably totally innocent- it is probably just hard to lose someone who has been a "part of the family" for so long....Your husband really needs to think about what he is doing more though.

 

 

Maybe you could tell him you are interested in going hunting and working with the dogs so you can spend some time together. Maybe he remembers other times when you didn't really show much interest in hunting and thinks you wouldn't want to go anyways because you don't like it much and that may be why he overlooked asking you. If you tell him you would enjoy going then he would know.

[stillafool]

I too think it is inappropriate. Why would Amy go along with this is a question in my mind. Does she not realize how tacky that is? Perhaps she is still hung up on your son and wants to show him and his new girl how close she is with his Dad. Does she call you to talk sometimes?

[sunshine0274]

I may be the lone wolf here, but I don't see Amy as a threat. I see her as filling the void that his niece does not. I see him taking someone he sees as probably a daughter to him hunting, much like a man would take a son.

 

 

I think the area where you are having issues is like you said- him not spending time with you.

 

 

I suggest a vacation together, like a couples retreat to reconnect. You have been married long enough that people at this point start drifting because they are comfortable in their home and space. Reclaim your life with your husband before it's too late and you don't know each other anymore

 

 

Being nasty is going to drive him farther from you

[DayzedNConfused]

Thanks for your responses. He does say that Amy is like one of his kids, but the fact is, she isn't. We live in a small town where everyone knows your business, and it just looks bad for him to be spending alone time with her in the woods. Whether it is innocent or not (and just for the record, I believe it's innocent.)

 

 

My other issue is with what happened in July. I needed him. I was laying in a hospital bed, all alone and scared and he was off trying to find his niece. Don't get me wrong, I love him for caring so much about her and wanting to help her. But he left me in the hospital. I found out later that it was 3am when he got the call about her. I was asleep. He didn't bother to wake me up and tell me that he was leaving. I was woken up by the nurse at 4am telling me that the doctor didn't like the looks of my EKG or most recent blood work, so they were sending me to a bigger hospital. The hospital called my husband to let him know. By 4:30am I was in the back of a squad alone, and I remained alone until after 6pm that evening. That hurt. It hurt then, and it still hurts now.

[writergal]

Wait. So your husband abandoned you at the hospital after your heart attack, to go take care of his fall-down-drunk niece?! And now he wants to take your son's ex-girlfriend hunting with him, alone?

 

Um, his priorities are skewed because it's totally inappropriate for him to take a young woman hunting under the guise that it's platonic. Innocent? I have a hard time believing that is true. Why not take his niece along too??

 

If my sister's husband took one of her single friends hunting with him, she would divorce him on the spot.

 

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. Are you going to allow your husband to take your son's ex-girlfriend hunting? Have you ever tried to talk to your husband about how deeply hurt his abandonment of you in July when you needed him at your most vulnerable, has hurt you to your core? If you haven't, why not try to do that now? There's no time like the present.

 

Life is too short to hold anything back, especially when you've been married as long as you have. People shouldn't keep secrets or hurt feelings from each other.

[whichwayisup]

Last weekend, my husband asked son's ex girlfriend (I'll call her Amy from now on) if she was interested in hunting with him as our daughter had to work, and our son was out of town. Amy was thrilled with the invite and showed up at 5:30am on Saturday to spend the day hunting with my husband. It wasn't a big deal when she was dating my son - but I think it's inappropriate now that they are not together anymore.

 

Bingo! TOTALLY inappropriate. And, how did her parents feel about this? Their daughter spending the day with her exboyfriend's father in the woods. Alone.

 

Listen to your gut. Sorry but something feels very off here.

[DayzedNConfused]

And, how did her parents feel about this? Their daughter spending the day with her exboyfriend's father in the woods. Alone.

 

 

She is 21, in college, lives on campus. I doubt she told her parents that she was hunting at all, let alone hunting with my husband.

[writergal]

She is 21, in college, lives on campus. I doubt she told her parents that she was hunting at all, let alone hunting with my husband.

 

How can you permit this to happen? It's wrong on so many levels.

[GirlStillStrong]

I am sorry you are hurt, I know how what you describe feels in your heart. But I want to give you some tough love here. You need to move past letting your feelings be hurt, stop giving him indirect responses when he is acting out the way he is, and open your eyes to what is going on. You hurt because there are larger issues at play here. That's what you need to get yourself to a place to address. I would start with stating what is not appropriate, including taking another woman hunting with him, sorry, no ifs, ands, or buts about it IMO. It seems instead of standing up for yourself, you turn your anger inward. I do that, too. It's not healthy.

[SawtoothMars]

She is 21, in college, lives on campus. I doubt she told her parents that she was hunting at all, let alone hunting with my husband.

 

Look... it doesn't have to be anything sexual for it to be wrong. I've known many older guys that really enjoy being a father type figure.

 

I think people are kind of getting lost in the weeds here. The point is exactly as you said... he isn't making his own wife a life priority.

 

Honestly as a man, I can admit I have done this type of thing in the past. I think to myself that my wife/GF is strong and capable and doesn't need me. So I go find someone who I think does need me. I think you need to communicate to him that you need him. That life lacks flavor without him around. At some point that may mean you go hunting with him... just take an AED if needed. They are not that expensive.

 

I hope this turns out well for you! Just don't settle for status quo!

[Emerald_11]

kind of a long one sorry!--

 

 

You are not alone-

I was very hurt when certain members of my family showed absolutely no interest in visiting me in the hospital after I had my son. I felt very dissed and neglected by all of them-especially my mother. It was a very complicated and hard delivery- which ended up turning into an emergency c- section. I lost a lot of blood and my son and I could have both died.- I had to stay in the hospital for over a week to recover. My husband was there for the delivery and day after but he had to return to work during the days following that and would only come and visit me for an hour or so every evening. I was all alone in the hospital for endless hours and days. A few of my family and friends came to visit but not any of my immediate family members. I don't think any of them know how close my son and I came to not living through the day he was born. It hurt that they did not show me that they even cared. I had to rely on the nurses who were strangers to me for everything. I actually was so messed up on drugs and my legs were numb and I forgot I couldn't walk and I fell out of the hospital bed trying to get up and reach for something. I just wished I would have had more support from my mom & other family members. I have moved on though, it is in the past and it can't be changed. I just know not to expect anything from them or rely on them for something like that ever again since there is a good chance they could let me down again.

 

My example does not compare to yours in the way that the person who let you down was your husband someone you should know you can rely on for support in a situation such as an emergency & being in the hospital. I agree with the other poster- instead of keeping it in you need to talk to your husband about his priorities. He needs to know how much you needed him then so that he knows what you would like him to do and expect of him if you were ever really sick like that again. You may want to point out that you would do the same for him even if the niece decides to get wasted again that day. Sometimes people like your niece need to see that there isn't always going to be someone there to clean up her messes or chase her around and save her when she makes poor decisions. She is an adult. Hopefully she will come around someday.

It sounds like your husband is a very caring person maybe you guys just need to talk more. Maybe a nice weekend getaway or vacation could help.

Good luck to you!

[stillafool]

She is 21, in college, lives on campus. I doubt she told her parents that she was hunting at all, let alone hunting with my husband.

 

What has your son said about this? Does this young woman communicate with you also or just your husband? Is your husband handsome?

[DayzedNConfused]

My son says he misses his hunting buddy - and that he wishes they could still be friends. Their relationship didn't end on a bad note necessarily - they just both wanted different things.

 

 

She will occasionally text me to ask me a question about cooking. She has told my husband and I both that she has learned more from us that she has from her parents. She also posts funny things on my facebook, or will tag me in things she knows I would like. And she keeps in touch with our daughter, too - they were (still are) close.

 

 

I kept my phone turned off all night last night and all day today until about half an hour ago. I sent him an email this morning telling him how I felt, and giving examples of what I need from him. He emailed back and apologized for not understanding how I felt. We have not talked today, and I really want to hear his voice. But I'm being stubborn and hard headed and refusing to call him first.

[DayzedNConfused]

Is your husband handsome?

 

 

My husband is in his mid 40's, greying hair that is thinning, and he has gained a few pounds in his belly over the past few years.

 

 

So no, probably not to a 21 year old college girl. But to me - he's perfect.

[whatcanitellyou]

Please stop keeping your feelings and anger bottled up. You had a heart attack, and I know you say you're healthy but stress and bottled up anger is terrible for heart. Women especially are susceptible to this because we tend to bottle things up. It's not good for your heart.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think him taking her on the hunting trip has more to do with companionship and company than it does anything on a romantic level necessarily.

 

I wouldn't suggest you make this about him and her, that wouldn't go over well and it's immediately accusatory, furthermore it won't get you anything you desire in return, it'll just create a rift and deeper separation between you and him...after all, he seems busy and is taking care of priorities in his life while finding time to unwind and relax which I'm sure he needs as he's got a lot on his plate.

 

I understand however for yourself you are left feeling neglected and went through a serious scare, and you feel he wasn't there for you like you wish he was. But for someone who's been married to the man for 20 years it doesn't make a lot of sense on why you didn't mention or communicate that to him and why you're just posting this online to a forum of strangers who don't even understand the full dynamic and situation of your relationship.

 

People here are going to speculate and from the sound of everything you're saying it's easy to get approval from strangers, but what is really going on? because this sounds like a small piece of the pie here that's being told in a very specific light...so if it's support from random strangers that you seek, with your "story" I'm sure that's going to be easy to come back...but I doubt your husband is the cold callous man you're making him out to be, running around in the woods with a 21 year old and you sit there crying in a room alone as the world revolves around you...I'm sorry, but that doesn't add up because your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy.

 

Why you haven't communicated with him about this is the most puzzling thing...and there seems to be more of a history to this and maybe you've got some other issues of your own that help perpetuate this situation...but people on the forum won't recognize more going on behind the scenes based on the story about you being in the hospital alone...we don't have him here to tell his side of the story.

 

So before passing judgment on him for that, and taking into account this is a 20 year marriage not a 2 year...I have a hard time believing this situation is so cut and dry. So there has to be more to this, obviously.

[DayzedNConfused]

Ninjainpajamas: You are so right. He is not a cold callous man. I never meant for it to come across that way. He is a wonderful man who has a million amazing qualities and I am beyond blessed to call him my husband.

 

 

That's part of the problem. I have never been a jealous woman. In fact, jealous, weak, needy women piss me off. So I don't understand why I am having these feelings. I have heard from my doctors, and also done some reading on the subject - apparently people who have a heart attack often suffer from depression afterwards. So maybe that's my problem. Why have I not talked to my husband about my feelings? Because as I stated above, I have never been a jealous woman - and I guess I'm just worried about how he will react to that. I don't want him to ever feel like I don't trust him, because I do. He is the only person in the world that I fully trust. I don't want some crazy feelings on my part to cause him any kind of pain or concern.

 

 

As far as telling him how I feel about him leaving me alone in the hospital - again, I am concerned that it will come out sounding like I'm whining and weak because that's not who I am.

 

 

We have spent the past 6 days together and it has been wonderful, but there are changes in our relationship that I'm not quite understanding.

 

 

I have to run - will come back and try to figure this out later. Thanks to everyone for all of the responses - it has really given me a lot to think about.

[angie2443]

How can you permit this to happen? It's wrong on so many levels.

 

She can't stop a grown man from doing what he wants to do. It sounds very inappropriate to me, and really strange, and I would think that if she told him outright to stop, he would just go more underground.

 

She can make her own choices, though, and decide what her bounderies are. If he disrespects them, she can leave.

 

One other thing- knowing a young woman for three years does not make her like a daughter. I'm assuming she wasn't even living with the parents for those three years, just dating their son. I'm wondering how many married, older men, would want to take their son's ex girlfriends hunting, or whatever the hobby, and not grasp for one second how bad that's going to look to other people.

[angie2443]

 

 

That's part of the problem. I have never been a jealous woman. In fact, jealous, weak, needy women piss me off. So I don't understand why I am having these feelings.

 

 

As far as telling him how I feel about him leaving me alone in the hospital - again, I am concerned that it will come out sounding like I'm whining and weak because that's not who I am.

 

 

 

I would examine why you are so concerned about being a "jealous, weak, needy woman" and why other women who are in that state would make you angry. It makes sense in this situation to be concerned and angry. Listening to your gut does not make you weak. Trying to be "strong" and not bothered by things that would upset most people is going to put you in worse position in the end, IMO.

[flowergirl14]

I would suggest you trust your husband but verify! Take a look at his cell phone text messages. Just see if anything stands out. There is such a thing as blind trust. Even good marriages can be touched by infidelity. Don't turn a blind eye. Trust your gut! Sorry!

[HardAtIt]

The thing I think is really odd is that you didn't just tell him you were going with him on his hunting trip.

 

Why didn't you say, so your taking the dogs and going hunting, great what time do we leave.

 

My whole family hunts, in my life I have never heard of a private exclusive hunting trip that anyone needed an invitation to attend.

If your up and ready and there is room in the car then your invited.

 

From where I come from, expecting a formal invitation is a little too much.

 

I used to go on a lot of hunting trips, but I hate killing anything, so for some reason I would always miss the animal by a couple inches and hit a tree right next to them, everyone just thought I was a bad shot.

But my little secret was that I just like shooting trees.