"Sex just isn't a priority right now"

[Sydney_00]

My fiance said that to me the other night.

 

We've been together 2.5 years, engaged about 7 months now.

 

He used to want sex ALL the time. Every time we were together. It was also fun and exciting. Now...it's about once a week (been more than that now) and it's 99% of the time, at my initiation.

I get a lot of "not tonights"

 

It hurts.

 

I've brought this up to him about 8 times now. He's given different reasons. Lately it's been because he can tell something is wrong with me, but I won't tell him, so he doesn't feel close to me.

This is not always the case..because if he thinks something is bothering me, and nothing really is, he still is certain something is. Then 3 weeks later I'll bring up something that IS bothering me and he'll say, "SEE, I knew you were bothered and you wouldn't tell me!"

No...I was fine then but now something is bothering me, he doesn't understand that.

 

Anyways. I don't really understand what happened. It started about when we moved in together, that's when the sex declined. (About 6 months ago)

He once told me, about a year ago, that if I ever stopped having sex with him, that he would divorce me. So by that giant statement, I never thought this would be happening.

 

I don't know what's wrong. He gets home from work, eats dinner, plays video games or watches youtube videos until he falls asleep on the couch. I normally wake up around 2 am for water, and I go out into the living room and see him passed out on the couch. I wake him and tell him to go to bed and he does.

 

I don't know what to do. As I've said, I have brought this up to him, many times. It makes me sad. He knows that.

 

And I know some people will ask, no my appearance has not changed. I've actually recently begun going to the gym, trying to tone up for the wedding. He says he loves me to death and thinks I'm unbelievably sexy. So I don't know what the deal is.

 

It's just gotten to the point where I don't really care about sex. I don't get horny. I used to want it everyday, now maybe once a week. Maybe. And when I do get the feeling, my first thought is generally to use my vibrator, because I know what his response will be if I try to start something up.

[Els]

It seems like sex isn't the only problem in your relationship currently. It doesn't sound like he spends any time with you aside from household stuff (dinner), and it doesn't sound like there is any physical intimacy at all. Is that the case, or am I misreading your post?

[mrstang69]

Wow. Wish I could get once a week.

[dichotomy]

Postpone the wedding, I beg you. The sexual frequency will only get less later, and the resentment or side affects of low or no sex will diminish your marriage. Get premarital couples counseling now. Falling asleep on the couch every now and then is fine - after you have been married 10 years or more not as young pre-marriage couple.

[jackslife]

Something is not right here. You've every right to be concerned.

 

It's usually men who get sexually rejected and that is after a few years (usually when the are married, locked in with children and heavily financially invested in the marriage.)

 

But this is not the case. You should be emotionally and physically intimate A LOT at this stage.

 

There is a saying that crops on LS a lot and covers many situations... Don't judge people by their words but by their actions. Despite his words, he is physically and emotionally disconnecting from you.

 

Time to start acting like grown ups. Put the wedding on hold. Point out his faults here and how unhappy you are and that unless things change you see no choice but to end it. He will either raise his game or agree. TBH he seems very immature to me - but he is distancing himself from you. Maybe he is getting cold feet about the whole marriage thing. If you hear the words "i love you but I am not in love with you" your relationship is over.

 

Right now you are an unhappily engaged couple drifting into becoming an unhappily married couple. He is not taking control of the issues so you need to.

[jackslife]

One more thing. Using your vibrator is fine. But in your situation it's like putting a bucket under a leaking tap. Great in the short term, but it won't solve your problem.

[oldshirt]

Unless he is 70 years old something is seriously wrong here. And it's not simply a matter of erectile dysfunction or him not quite getting the technique of how to get you to orgasm, it is a serious underlying relationship issue in that he doesn't want to even try or even be with you.

 

It's one of or a combination of these things -

 

- a medical/physiological issue such as low testosterone, alcoholism/drug dependency, some kind of medication that reduces libido etc

 

- psychological issue such as depression, some kind of attachment issue or deep-seated sexual issue (ie childhood sexual abuse, extreme guilt/shame, religious zealotry etc)

 

- relationship issue, ie just not into you, some kind of deep resentment, abuse, bad fights, neglect/abandonment etc.

 

- outside source of sex, ie affair(s), chronic porn/masturbation, homosexuality etc.

 

It's one of or a combination of those things. No normal, healthy man that's under the age of 70 will reject sex with an attractive woman that he likes (and I can see a 75 year taking offense to that and chewing me out for putting an age limit on it)

 

I agree with the others, this is a serious issue and it is more than just frequency of sex. I agree the marriage should be put on hold until it is fully addressed and corrected.

 

Marriage will not fix this and will in fact make things WORSE

[Lurkeraspect]

The good news is that you've been given a glimpse into your marriage with this man, and you haven't fully enmeshed your life and finances with him. Please, please, please call off/postpone the wedding. I think the lack of sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem, mainly his apathy and self centered ness.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm going to agree with what everyone has already said on here.

 

It's true, men are usually the ones who complain about the lack of sex in their relationships so to hear the reverse raises some flags.

 

As a woman whose been where you are, marriage will inevitably magnify whatever problems you have going into it and often ends up being more of a sex killer than anything else. Please don't be naive into thinking that you "can change him" or that "things will get better once the wedding has come and gone"...because it won't. Trust me on this one.

 

There are indeed underlying issues at play here and the fact that he appears to be gaslighting you about WHY he's not having sex with you is even more disturbing. It also warrants the asking of some very hard questions that can only be answered with professional therapy.

 

Good luck.

[Elliotte]

I highly recommend couples counseling for ANY conflict that won't be resolved by you two talking it through and/or figuring out methods together to solve the issue at hand. In my experience it won't necessarily solve the problem itself, that usually takes hard, long term work, but it at least helps get the two of you on the same page with the subject. That is, unless he clams up in therapy, and won't discuss it, seems like he already is doing that to you now, the whole "I think something is bothering you, but you won't tell me" thing is a bad deflection of your questions.

 

I once knew a friend who didn't have sex with her fiance for 9+ months before they got married, because he showed no interest in her physically. Needless to say, they were divorced less than a year after getting married, and she kicks herself for going through with it at all.

[SawtoothMars]

Anyways. I don't really understand what happened. It started about when we moved in together, that's when the sex declined. (About 6 months ago)

 

I don't know what's wrong. He gets home from work, eats dinner, plays video games or watches youtube videos until he falls asleep on the couch. I normally wake up around 2 am for water, and I go out into the living room and see him passed out on the couch. I wake him and tell him to go to bed and he does.

 

Ok... I'm a guy and there are really two things going through my mind reading this.

 

First... has he lost confidence in his sexuality. Things like erectile dysfunction or dating someone that makes you feel like crap about your performance or body can have this effect.

 

Second... and I think this maybe more likely... PORN. Check everything he owns for porn.

[Sydney_00]

Ok... I'm a guy and there are really two things going through my mind reading this.

 

First... has he lost confidence in his sexuality. Things like erectile dysfunction or dating someone that makes you feel like crap about your performance or body can have this effect.

 

Second... and I think this maybe more likely... PORN. Check everything he owns for porn.

 

He's not lost confidence in his sexuality, he is very confident actually.... At least he acts like that.

 

and he watches porn, but he hasn't in forever. Last time he watched it, it was with me.

When I go out and see him passed out on the couch, he's got the controller in his hand or fallen on the couch somewhere and a video game is paused on the tv

[Caribouco]

I'm going on three years of marriage in a very sexless way. Marriage only made things way worse. Before, he would initiate one or twice a month which was just enough to make me feel loved and satisfied. Although I've always preferred at least once a week. He later told me he felt pressured into marriage, and because of that I don't/didn't respect him. It's gotten to the point that sex is MAYBE once a month and he can never complete. My advise is counseling now before the wedding. My husband won't go because, "there is nothing they could tell him he doesn't already know" and "this is just how I am and will always be." I also always initiate now and feel a bit like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't like. I am in better shape now than when we got married, so it's not that either. So yeah, don't be like me... COUNSELING for sure! Tell him it's that or no marriage.

[Fugu]

I'd agree with the others. I think it's not just sex, but a deeper sense of detachment. Maybe he's having second thoughts but not communicating it. I don't mean that he's having 'doubts' but rather, fears. It's an opportunity to talk, and I'd keep the door open, but I would tell him that you don't feel comfortable going forward with a committed relationship with things being the way they are. Whatever fears, concerns, or issues he has need to be out on the table. And the intimacy has to be there for you to feel comfortable and secure in the relationship.

 

How you communicate that is important, though. I would be careful about ultimatums. You don't want to say, either you do X or I'll do Y. Instead, put the focus on your feelings, based on his behavior and leave it at that. Right now, *you* don't feel comfortable moving forward with marriage. It's not a threat, just a true feeling. That feeling can change, but he needs to open up and address a HUGE issue that he has apparently tried to avoid. Tell him that you're willing to give it time. If it continues...then you'll have to consider what you want to do if it gets to that point.

[Mal78]

He's not lost confidence in his sexuality, he is very confident actually.... At least he acts like that.

 

and he watches porn, but he hasn't in forever. Last time he watched it was with me.

When I go out and see him passed out on the couch, he's got the controller in his hand or fallen on the couch somewhere and a video game is paused on the tv

 

You mentioned video games THEN youtube before he falls asleep. Which is it? If it's YouTube suggest he bring it to bed and you both look up things together. Common interests perhaps?!

 

However, others have suggested Porn. Perhaps investigate it further to be sure. It's not about weither or not you approve him watching porn. Some partners are totally into that. It's to see how much and could it be the cause that he is desensitized to sex with you/in general. In that case... it's a problem.

 

If he says sex isn't a priority I would be very curious what his list of priorities are and how he justifies video games and YouTube on that list.

[Sydney_00]

You mentioned video games THEN youtube before he falls asleep. Which is it? If it's YouTube suggest he bring it to bed and you both look up things together. Common interests perhaps?!

 

However, others have suggested Porn. Perhaps investigate it further to be sure. It's not about weither or not you approve him watching porn. Some partners are totally into that. It's to see how much and could it be the cause that he is desensitized to sex with you/in general. In that case... it's a problem.

 

If he says sex isn't a priority I would be very curious what his list of priorities are and how he justifies video games and YouTube on that list.

 

It's normally video games. Youtube sometimes.

I've suggested bringing the tablet to bed and finishing up what he's watching on there, or watching something together in bed but he doesn't really like to do that. We've done it a couple of times.

 

If he is watching porn..it's when he's not home. And he's either at work, at home, or out somewhere with me. So unless it's at work (which it's not) then it's not happening.

[HardAtIt]

If you get married expect a big drop in the amount of sex your getting,

and if you have kids expect another big drop.

sounds like you will be close or at zero if you make it to that point.

 

The reasons will vary, if you address them all and find fantastic solutions, tomorrow there will be another list completely different than the last.

At least that's the way it worked for me.

good luck, if you decide to stay with this relationship your going to need it.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If you get married expect a big drop in the amount of sex your getting,

and if you have kids expect another big drop.

sounds like you will be close or at zero if you make it to that point.

 

Marriage - Pro tip;

 

Marry someone you don't want to have sex with....then all will be well!

[spanz1]

"sex is not a priority right now" translates to "our upcoming marriage is not a priority right now".

 

 

You need to fix this RIGHT NOW, way before the marriage happens. A sexless marriage is worse than hell. Figure out what the heck is going on in his mind NOW, before it is too late.

[central]

He once told me, about a year ago, that if I ever stopped having sex with him, that he would divorce me. So by that giant statement, I never thought this would be happening.

 

First of all, do not get married unless and until this is resolved to your satisfaction AND stays resolved for a lengthy period of time. He could bait and switch all too easily. If sex is a problem now, it will only get far worse with time. IMO, unless there is a physical/medical problem, just break up now.

 

If you can't find a solution, turn his statement back on him, and tell him that since he's stopped having sex with you despite your efforts, you're dumping him. And you have to mean it, move out, and move on.

[Enema]

I've been in a few relationships where the sex is hot and heavy during the honeymoon period.

 

Then, the initial lust wears off and I become aware that it was exciting because it was new and fresh, not because the sex itself was great for me.

 

Ask yourself honestly, was the sex great for him, or was it just frequent? Do you participate, are his fetishes being fulfilled, are you open to new things, actively suggesting new things, really enthusiastically getting into it, being generous and dirty and all that?

[Molly Hooper]

This is huge.

 

I genuinely started to believe you were engaged to my ex husband by the way you described him. That makes me no expert on your hubby-to-be or your relationship, but I would definitely extend your engagement and get this worked out beforehand. I didn't (despite the feeling that maybe I should) - two years and a severe depression later, I got the cuts to get a divorce and can't believe I ignored all the flags.

 

That doesn't mean you will have the same experience as I did, but I denied the red flag my entire engagement thinking it would get better later - and like you, I had no real change of appearance (if anything, I got into amazing shape) or anything else on my side that would cause a drop in sexual activity between us.

 

You two need to sit down and talk about this. He needs to be honest. At the end of the day, are his nightly habits of video games and youtube SO important that even getting in bed with you at the same time isn't taking precedence? I mean, lets forget about sex for half a second... he doesn't go to bed with you ... NIGHTLY. It isn't like he shouldn't play video games, but you two should end your days together. He should want to go to bed with you even if you don't have sex. It IS weird.

 

As far as the sex, from what you said (and my own experience), I don't think it's porn. Most guys look at porn. Every guy I've ever been with looked at porn. My boyfriend right now looks at porn and we still have sex 1-3 times a day - everyday - and have for a very long time. While he is just one guy, aside from my ex-husband, I've never noticed a man who watches porn suddenly not want sex. Others may have different experiences that speak to that though.

 

I think he needs to start being honest with you - he needs to stop pointing at you as the cause (ie: something must be bothering YOU) - the only thing bothering you is that he is acting this way. Maybe suggest you two go to sleep at the same time every night for a week (you guys can even watch some funny youtube videos or something together) and see if there is any change in intimacy or overall closeness.

 

If you don't see any change or he isn't willing to adapt his regime, I would suggest counseling. If he isn't receptive to that - you may need to seriously reevaluate this. I know that is a scary thought, but this is way too early to be feeling the way you do and it really will only get "worse." - meaning you aren't suddenly going to have more sex just because you said "I do" and did nothing about the current situation.

 

Hope this helps, hun. Best of luck.

Edited November 30, 2014 by Molly Hooper