Something's gotta change.

[Oberon2]

Hey, everybody. First post, desperate for some advice. Life story alert...

 

My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We got married at age 20 after being in a relationship through the last two years of high school and one year of college, making our relationship about 7 years old in total.

 

At the time we got together, I had only had one "serious" girlfriend before my future wife, and it had ended badly for me only a few days after our first kiss. We were 16. It was teenager stuff.

 

When I met my future wife, she was the one who "chased after" me in the beginning. I wasn't interested at first, but eventually, I gave in and felt myself accept the relationship. I do feel that I came to truly love her as an important part of my life, but some old feelings have been resurfacing lately and I'm worried.

 

Throughout my relationship with my wife, I think I've always been painfully aware of my severe lack of "life experience". Even as we were planning our wedding, I was worried about it, but I thought it wouldn't matter since we really loved each other. I had always been interested in the single lifestyle, which to me meant meeting lots of new people, making new friends, maybe sleeping around a little, and learning about myself in the process. But I would always tell myself that it couldn't actually be as fun as it looked on TV, or that I already had a partner I was happy with, so why should I be interested in trying to go out and find one? And besides, my religion at the time also heavily frowned on that lifestyle.

 

I managed to continue force-feeding myself this script until about a year ago, when my wife and I met a new single female friend who we were both attracted to (my wife is somewhat bisexual). As we got to know her, she told us that she was casually involved in the local BDSM community. BDSM was something my wife and I had discussed and it sounded interesting to both of us, so we asked our friend to show us the ropes (no pun intended).

 

The first party I went to was a huge eye-opener for me. There were a lot of actual real-life people here who were sort of living the life that I had always secretly wanted but thought was the stuff of myth. It wasn't so much about the casual sex as it was about the freedom to connect with new friends in a very honest way and be comfortable enough to share both physical and emotional intimacy with multiple people.

 

My wife, our friend, and I ended up getting into a short-lived relationship together, but it ended when we found out that my wife wasn't actually as happy about it as she had seemed. Now, we're all still close friends, but the physical element is gone. I also feel like the emotional connection we once had has been damaged as well, particularly between my wife and our friend. That seems to be the weakest side of the triangle, so to speak. But I still feel that I'm in love with our friend on a human connection level, and she tells me that our three-way friendship is the closest thing she's ever felt to love. None of us want that friendship to end.

 

The trouble is that now that I've caught a glimpse of the green grass on the other side and know that it actually exists, I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Every time I see a sexually suggestive advertisement, primetime TV episode, or even an attractive person walking down the street, I get sad and withdrawn because it reminds me of what I want but can't have. I can't just walk around with my eyes closed, so something needs to change here.

 

Overall, I feel happy to be living with my wife and I want to keep her in my life forever, but I also have strong desires to connect emotionally and physically with other partners. My wife says she wants to be okay with that idea, but she's not okay with it right now. She says she's worried that she'll become less important to me if I'm allowed to connect with other people. The ironic part is that the more I struggle to push these desires away, the more it builds resentment toward my wife. I don't want that to happen, but I feel powerless to stop it. I've started to question whether I ever really loved her, or if I was just playing along with what she wanted the whole time. Maybe if I really loved her, I wouldn't have this issue...

 

My options are:

1) Divorce my wife and live the way I want to,

2) Give up these crazy ideas of mine and accept my role as devoted monogamous husband, or

3) Continue to work toward some kind of compromise, which may not exist.

 

Option 1 seems like it would make everyone miserable, and I don't know if I could force myself to accept option 2, probably leading toward even more resentment.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I'm a mess and I know this needs to get resolved, but I'm not sure how...

[Michelle ma Belle]

I suppose "Be careful what you wish for" applies here.

 

The outcome of this experience is so very typical. It's another case of wanting your cake and eating it too.

 

You can package this up with the fanciest paper and biggest bow but at the end of the day you weren't ready to be married or monogamous in the first place. This little adventure into debauchery gave you a taste of something you've always secretly craved. In essence, Pandora's box has been opened and it's a b*tch to close!

 

The fact of the matter is, if you're obsessing about what was and what could have been, you're NOT present in your marriage as it is now. And THAT is a problem.

 

As for what to do, only you can answer that. The only thing I will warn you about is that if you're waiting around for your wife to get on board again or give you the green light to pursue a more open lifestyle, you might be waiting a really, really long time.

 

Trying to change your spots for someone else might seem admirable at first but it will end up destroying you and your marriage in the end. Resentment is inevitable in situations like this so hard decisions need to be made and that includes hurting people in the process.

Edited November 11, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[Mr. Lucky]

Overall, I feel happy to be living with my wife and I want to keep her in my life forever, but I also have strong desires to connect emotionally and physically with other partners. My wife says she wants to be okay with that idea, but she's not okay with it right now. She says she's worried that she'll become less important to me if I'm allowed to connect with other people. The ironic part is that the more I struggle to push these desires away, the more it builds resentment toward my wife. I don't want that to happen, but I feel powerless to stop it. I've started to question whether I ever really loved her, or if I was just playing along with what she wanted the whole time. Maybe if I really loved her, I wouldn't have this issue...

 

Nobody gets it all which is basically what you're asking for. And part of maturing is prioritizing the available options so they meet your definition of happiness.

 

You want your wife to accept something she's not comfortable with so you can "connect" with other people while committed to her.

 

And I want to eat pizza and ice cream while maintaining my fighting weight.

 

Looks like we'll both be disappointed ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

One quick question - forgetting this other gal for a moment, between you and your wife, which one of you was the driving force behind your relationship? Which one of you was the one that first brought up exclusivity/commitment? Which one of you first brought up marriage? Which one of you did most of the planning for life after marriage? Which one of you brought up inviting this other woman into your home and bed?

 

In other words which one of you was the one to make things happen in your relationship?

[Oberon2]

One quick question - forgetting this other gal for a moment, between you and your wife, which one of you was the driving force behind your relationship? Which one of you was the one that first brought up exclusivity/commitment? Which one of you first brought up marriage? Which one of you did most of the planning for life after marriage? Which one of you brought up inviting this other woman into your home and bed?

 

In other words which one of you was the one to make things happen in your relationship?

 

As I said above, it was her that pushed for a relationship in the first place. Most of the stuff that's happened since then has seemed like a joint decision, but I tend to be easily dominated, so I'm not sure I trust those memories very much. I tend to do more things like vacation planning and making payments and arranging for appointments, etc. She is very passive in that regard. And most other regards, actually. I do the cooking and more than my share of the cleaning, too. But that's neither here nor there...

 

If I had to guess, I think I was the one that brought up the idea of an open relationship first. I think she'd be fine if everything stayed the same forever, for better or worse.

Edited November 12, 2014 by Oberon2

[oldshirt]

As I said above, it was her that pushed for a relationship in the first place. Most of the stuff that's happened since then has seemed like a joint decision, but I tend to be easily dominated, so I'm not sure I trust those memories very much.

 

 

 

.

 

That tells me what I needed to know and answered my question on a silver platter.

 

I'm gonna throw this out there but I think you were kind of a typical, naive, inexperienced guy that wasn't very sophisticated or street wise when it comes to relationships/marriage and she basically took you along for the ride into a marriage.

 

I'm not saying she was conniving or any form of fraud or duress or anything evil at all. It's just that on average women are a million times more shrewd and clever than men when it comes to relationships. If you were to compare it to chess, women are at least ten moves ahead of the men in their heads and guys are still wondering which pawn they should move.

 

My point here is you were never really in love with her, never yearned for marriage, never were completely committed to wanting to marry her and were basically caught up in her desire for commitment and marriage and just never stood up for your own objectives and desires.

 

Bottom line is you were kind of a chump and got caught up in all the hooplah and figured the easiest way to get along was to go along. You were passive and didn't pursue your own dreams and followed her into her world.

 

So now here you are a few years later and you are a young, virile man approaching the prime of your life and you already feel half dead inside. Your wife is also probably losing a lot of attraction and desire for you because deep down she knows you have little passion for her or passion for the marriage or passion to have a home or family together. Women also can't respect and desire a man they can dominate and manipulate. It's a real irony and catch 22 but since she was able to drive and direct the relationship, you'd think she'd be happy that she got what she wanted but she's not.

 

So what to do??????

 

Well you actually kind of understand your options fairly well as you have described them above.

 

Option # 1 is actually pretty legitimate. You weren't really on board with her and the marriage in the first place so it's questionable whether you can actually be fully into it or not. If you were to break up amicably now, both of you would have full potential to move on and live rich, full lives. She still has several years of "pretty" left and would have no trouble finding other men and you are rapidly approaching your peak and would be able to live your "single lifestyle." You have no kids so other than the court costs, lawyer fees and some lonely nights and a few tears here and there, no harm would actually come to anyone in a divorce.

 

option # 2 would just make both of you miserable and turn you both into old, dried up foggies before your time.

 

Option #3 may be possible but you are going to have to undergo a metamorphosis and transform yourself into someone else. You will have to step up and become the driving force and the dominant partner of your relationship. You will have to lead her into your world.

 

She may do it and she may not. Even if she does, she will constantly be pushing back and testing you. She may dig it and go for it. She may decide to walk.

 

With that there is a potential Option 3.5 here. If you were to take leadership of your marriage and become the dominant partner, you may feel a renewed vigor and zest and she may respond to you with more enthusiasm and passion and you may decide married life ain't so bad after all.

 

Look it it this way, if you were to divorce and be single again, you would have to show more initiative and dominance in order to live the "single lifestyle" that you want any way. You might as well start doing that now. It may turn things around in your marriage but if it doesn't, then you will be that much more ready for single life any how.

[Oberon2]

I'm gonna throw this out there but I think you were kind of a typical, naive, inexperienced guy that wasn't very sophisticated or street wise when it comes to relationships/marriage and she basically took you along for the ride into a marriage.

 

Bottom line is you were kind of a chump and got caught up in all the hooplah and figured the easiest way to get along was to go along. You were passive and didn't pursue your own dreams and followed her into her world.

 

I feel like this is 100% true. I think I never had a chance to develop myself to the point where I even knew what I wanted, let alone how to stick up for myself.

 

I'm not sure if I like the idea that I need to be the dominant force in our relationship to make it work, but I definitely should at least be in control of myself and know what I want, what's good for me, and when to take action to protect myself and my happiness. That's a base line I'm still really far from.

 

Do you have any concrete suggestions for how to get better at that? Or does anyone else have a counter point to any of this?

[jackslife]

It's just that on average women are a million times more shrewd and clever than men when it comes to relationships. If you were to compare it to chess, women are at least ten moves ahead of the men in their heads and guys are still wondering which pawn they should move.

 

Slightly thread jacking here. But the above is so true...

 

So many guys (and I include myself here) think they have a girlfriend for sex and a casual date on a Friday night, and 5 years later we are married with children and not quite sure how the hell it happened.

 

A friend of mine, 20 year my calls it the settling down plan - "Richard tried to fight the settling down plan but everyman knows you can’t fight the settling down plan!"

 

Sorry to the OP for the threadjack. Oldshirt (as ever) gives good advice. My opinion, while you are young and childless, go seek the life you want. I think your best choice is option 1... sorry.

[oldshirt]

Slightly thread jacking here. But the above is so true...

 

So many guys (and I include myself here) think they have a girlfriend for sex and a casual date on a Friday night, and 5 years later we are married with children and not quite sure how the hell it happened.

 

A friend of mine, 20 year my calls it the settling down plan - "Richard tried to fight the settling down plan but everyman knows you can’t fight the settling down plan!"

 

Sorry to the OP for the threadjack. Oldshirt (as ever) gives good advice. My opinion, while you are young and childless, go seek the life you want. I think your best choice is option 1... sorry.

 

 

I don't think it's a threadjack, I think this is central to Oberon's dilemma here. I think Oberon just got out played and outclassed. He bumbled into a pool game with a shark and taken to the cleaners.

 

Now I'm not saying that Mrs Oberon did anything wrong or deceptive or malicious at all, but it is like Jackslife said, she had a "settling down plan" and he had NO PLAN AT ALL.. He had no plan, no initiative and no clue what he was getting into so he just kind of bumbled along following her down the path marriage and commitment as a 20 year old with no life experience or street smarts.

 

His upbringing also probably had a lot to do with it. It sounds like there was some form of familial and cultural expectations for early marriage. I don't know if many garden variety friends and family would just sit back and let a 20 year old marry his first real girlfriend without protest and without trying to slap some sense into him anymore. However There was some warm poontang in it for him at the end of the day so he just kinda went along it so as to not rock the boat and risk getting the poontang supply cut off.

[oldshirt]

I'll write more later but I want to make a quick critical warning to Oberon2 right now. Not only did she have a "settling down plan" (that you fell hook, line and sinker for) but she also has a " Baby Plan."

 

She also knows that you are having these doubts and yearnings and she may go to great lengths to keep her security. She may use overt pressure to conceive, she may conveniently miss a few birth control pills, she may outright lie about her birth control status and it is possible she may even go to the extreme of getting knocked up by some other dude on the down low and say it's yours.

 

Don't laugh or roll your eyes, it really does happen more than people realize, there is a current thread in the infidelity section right now about exactly that. It does happen.

 

So above all else, protect your sperm while you are deciding what to do. She has already lead you down this path while you were being passive and accommodating. Don't let her choose parenthood and lifetime commitment to children that you aren't ready for also.

 

Don't just ask her if she's on BC and don't just tell her you don't want to have kids right now. Take responsibility for your own sperm. Your safest bet is of course abstinence. But if you do have to have sex with her, always keep the gun unloaded as much as possible and drain the tank before you think you are going to have sex. Never ejaculate inside her (pull outs have a high failure too) use condoms if you can and flush them down the toilet immediately and never leave them in a trash can.

 

It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your own future and your own life and one of the primary aspects of that is controlling your own fertility and not letting a woman you are not in love with and do not want to be yoked to forever have any access to your sperm.

[elaine567]

I'll write more later but I want to make a quick critical warning to Oberon2 right now. Not only did she have a "settling down plan" (that you fell hook, line and sinker for) but she also has a " Baby Plan."

 

She also knows that you are having these doubts and yearnings and she may go to great lengths to keep her security. She may use overt pressure to conceive, she may conveniently miss a few birth control pills, she may outright lie about her birth control status and it is possible she may even go to the extreme of getting knocked up by some other dude on the down low and say it's yours.

 

Don't laugh or roll your eyes, it really does happen more than people realize, there is a current thread in the infidelity section right now about exactly that. It does happen.

 

So above all else, protect your sperm while you are deciding what to do. She has already lead you down this path while you were being passive and accommodating. Don't let her choose parenthood and lifetime commitment to children that you aren't ready for also.

 

Don't just ask her if she's on BC and don't just tell her you don't want to have kids right now. Take responsibility for your own sperm. Your safest bet is of course abstinence. But if you do have to have sex with her, always keep the gun unloaded as much as possible and drain the tank before you think you are going to have sex. Never ejaculate inside her (pull outs have a high failure too) use condoms if you can and flush them down the toilet immediately and never leave them in a trash can.

 

It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your own future and your own life and one of the primary aspects of that is controlling your own fertility and not letting a woman you are not in love with and do not want to be yoked to forever have any access to your sperm.

 

Wow, Oldshirt, as a woman I feel I should be shocked and offended for the sisterhood, but that is really great advice to this OP.

 

He is ripe for the taking. Mrs Oberon would be following her instincts and cannot be faulted really.

However Mr Oberon is a mess just now and not ready for any of that.

This road would lead to misery, most likely cheating, with a huge messy marriage breakup and even dysfunctional kids shoved into the bargain.

[Oberon2]

@Oldshirt: Thanks for the warning. Knowing her, I would be extremely shocked if she tried to do something so low as use a human life as a hostage for our marriage. She's way more responsible than that. But I'm sure it has happened to other guys and I'll keep it in mind anyway.

 

It may be worth saying here that at the time, I thought I was into the "settling down plan" too. Other than that voice at the back of my head, which I assumed was just nervous jitters and happened to everyone (does it?), I fully intended to settle down and have a life and family with this woman.

 

But looking at it now, I think the reasons why I had this plan were all wrong. Going back to my journal at the time, it seemed like I wanted to be married so we could live together, have sex, get away from our parents, and get our local society of conservative religious friends and family off our backs. Now I know those are terrible reasons to get married, and I think I might have known that at the time as well, but I just thought I was being scared. And I thought marriage, THIS marriage, was basically my only option if I didn't want to go back to being lonely.

 

I think I've known my answer for a long time, but I've been too afraid to face it... Sigh. It's just terrifying. 7 years is like a third of my life that I've been in this relationship.

[Oberon2]

And of course the defensive part of my brain kicks in and starts wondering if every marriage goes through things like this, and it's just a matter of fighting through it and having a rock-solid commitment to the vows you took on your wedding day, regardless of how things may have changed.

 

What does a healthy marriage look like behind the scenes? What are the "right" reasons for marrying someone?

[oldshirt]

@Oldshirt: Thanks for the warning. Knowing her, I would be extremely shocked if she tried to do something so low as use a human life as a hostage for our marriage. She's way more responsible than that. But I'm sure it has happened to other guys and I'll keep it in mind anyway.

 

.

 

Not good enough, you have to take this very seriously. It's NOT just something that happens to the other guy. It's something that takes place throughout the world every single day.

 

"Responsibility" has nothing to do with it. We are taking about biology and instincts and basic human drives here. Just because she pays her bills on time and gets up and goes to work on time every day doesn't have anything to do with it.

[oldshirt]

What are the "right" reasons for marrying someone?

 

The 'right' reason to marry is when you have a deep, innate yearning to have a home and family with someone in which to raise children. Marriage gives children a more secure and legally enforceable protection.

 

In the absence of wanting to raise children with someone, all of those other things you mentioned can be easily achieved by living your life to the fullest single.

[Oberon2]

Not good enough, you have to take this very seriously. It's NOT just something that happens to the other guy. It's something that takes place throughout the world every single day.

 

"Responsibility" has nothing to do with it. We are taking about biology and instincts and basic human drives here. Just because she pays her bills on time and gets up and goes to work on time every day doesn't have anything to do with it.

 

I get that this is serious. Maybe she would try to do something underhanded like this. Just like maybe I would go cheat on her. But I wouldn't. And I am choosing to believe that she wouldn't, either. I know I'm a sad sap in a lot of ways, but I'm trying to learn how to stick up for myself and my feelings and this is something I don't want to budge on. I'm not saying I won't be careful (believe me or don't, that's fine), but I'm saying that the woman I've known for 7 years would not do this consciously and I respect her too much to believe she would.

 

Besides, the sad state of our sex life is another story, but let's just say it's not gonna be a problem either way. Not unless things get better.

 

Thank you for the warning. I will remember it.

[oldshirt]

No one is saying that she is evil or some kind of diabolical mastermind. And none is saying that you need to hate on her or do anything mean to her.

 

We are just saying take charge of your own fertility and make sure nothing happens that you don want. Just simply don't leave it up to her. If you are wanting to stand up for yourself and pursue your own path, the first step of that is take charge of your own sperm and your own fertility lest you will have other mouths to feed and will be yoked to a life and future you do not want.

 

It was your naïveté, trust and following her that got you where you are now. Don't blow this at this critical juncture.

 

All I am saying is take responsibility and take charge of your own sperm and fertility.

[Oberon2]

All I am saying is take responsibility and take charge of your own sperm and fertility.

 

Okay. I understand. It takes two to tango and I'm one of them. I will not tango unless I want to tango.

[EverySunset]

@Oldshirt: Thanks for the warning. Knowing her, I would be extremely shocked if she tried to do something so low as use a human life as a hostage for our marriage. She's way more responsible than that. But I'm sure it has happened to other guys and I'll keep it in mind anyway.

 

Happens to women too. My ex knocked me up when I started to sound like you do now. And now, unfortunately, he is using my daughter as a hostage in our divorce.

[Thegameoflife]

You should probably ignore these people. They are completely missing an obvious truth. Your wife isn't even against this lifestyle. She told you she was worried that she'd become less and less important to you as you make further connections. The obvious is that you need to work on making her feel secure that your relationship comes first, and the lifestyle second. If you can do this, she'll feel comfortable with it again. You do this by creating an open and non-judgmental climate where she can communicate any feelings, and be received with acceptance and love. This will take a lot of understanding and patience to keep her mind where it needs to be. Pull it off, and you can keep both.

[oldshirt]

You should probably ignore these people. They are completely missing an obvious truth. Your wife isn't even against this lifestyle. She told you she was worried that she'd become less and less important to you as you make further connections. The obvious is that you need to work on making her feel secure that your relationship comes first, and the lifestyle second. If you can do this, she'll feel comfortable with it again. You do this by creating an open and non-judgmental climate where she can communicate any feelings, and be received with acceptance and love. This will take a lot of understanding and patience to keep her mind where it needs to be. Pull it off, and you can keep both.

 

 

 

...And you are missing what he is posting about. He is not saying, "how do I get my wife to swing?" He is basically saying he doesn't to be married any more and wants to be single and have freedom etc.

 

 

He's not trying to figure out how to get her to be more open to the idea of an open marriage, he is trying to figure out if he wants to be married to her AT ALL.

[Thegameoflife]

...And you are missing what he is posting about. He is not saying, "how do I get my wife to swing?" He is basically saying he doesn't to be married any more and wants to be single and have freedom etc.

 

 

He's not trying to figure out how to get her to be more open to the idea of an open marriage, he is trying to figure out if he wants to be married to her AT ALL.

 

His subconscious is driving the idea that being single is the only way to get what he wants. The rest of you are convincing him that she led him into this situation, and that he probably didn't want this. I think he just needs to hash out the conditions, make her feel secure in the relationship, and he can have both. It's at least worth a shot. There is a good chance he'll leave her to find that the community doesn't accept single guys very often.

 

In my opinion, I think the op is trying to create justification in his mind to leave his wife for the friend. He totally avoided any explanation about why things went bad. He's not telling us about how he was focusing on the other woman, and that's why his wife put an end to it. He then came on here painting a scewed picture of events to drive opinions that would reinforce his desire to leave a woman who has treated him well, even going on sexual adventures with him. You can't blame her for wanting to stop something tthat was obviously ruining their relationship. He's trying to take the easy out like a coward.

[Oberon2]

His subconscious is driving the idea that being single is the only way to get what he wants. The rest of you are convincing him that she led him into this situation, and that he probably didn't want this. I think he just needs to hash out the conditions, make her feel secure in the relationship, and he can have both. It's at least worth a shot. There is a good chance he'll leave her to find that the community doesn't accept single guys very often.

 

In my opinion, I think the op is trying to create justification in his mind to leave his wife for the friend. He totally avoided any explanation about why things went bad. He's not telling us about how he was focusing on the other woman, and that's why his wife put an end to it. He then came on here painting a scewed picture of events to drive opinions that would reinforce his desire to leave a woman who has treated him well, even going on sexual adventures with him. You can't blame her for wanting to stop something tthat was obviously ruining their relationship. He's trying to take the easy out like a coward.

 

You're making a lot of assumptions here. There's a lot more happening than just my desire to get it on with my friend again. I can't deny that would be great, but it still stands that I've had doubts about our marriage even before it was a done deal, and I'm still curious about whether or not that's a normal thing I should be working through or if it means I should be looking for something else. I'd like to hear more about that and less about how my wife's going to try to have a secret baby.

 

And I never said anything about swinging. That's a different community than BDSM and it's beside the point anyway.

 

The coward's way out is to cheat. I'm honestly trying to figure out my future here and honor my wife's feelings by not going behind her back like I am sometimes tempted to do. Calling me a coward is not a good way to get me to listen to you, if you are indeed trying to help (which I assume is the reason you're here?)

 

Edit: Sorry, flew off the handle a little bit there. Obviously this hasn't been easy for me. I shouldn't get defensive. The truth is, yes, my wife was feeling left out during our three-way relationship, and that's why she ended it. She's used to getting my full attention, so it makes sense that she felt threatened when she suddenly got less. The problem is that I liked that setup. A lot. And it's got me wondering why.

Edited November 13, 2014 by Oberon2

[Thegameoflife]

You're making a lot of assumptions here. There's a lot more happening than just my desire to get it on with my friend again. I can't deny that would be great, but it still stands that I've had doubts about our marriage even before it was a done deal, and I'm still curious about whether or not that's a normal thing I should be working through or if it means I should be looking for something else. I'd like to hear more about that and less about how my wife's going to try to have a secret baby.

 

And I never said anything about swinging. That's a different community than BDSM and it's beside the point anyway.

 

The coward's way out is to cheat. I'm honestly trying to figure out my future here and honor my wife's feelings by not going behind her back like I am sometimes tempted to do. Calling me a coward is not a good way to get me to listen to you, if you are indeed trying to help (which I assume is the reason you're here?)

 

Edit: Sorry, flew off the handle a little bit there. Obviously this hasn't been easy for me. I shouldn't get defensive. The truth is, yes, my wife was feeling left out during our three-way relationship, and that's why she ended it. She's used to getting my full attention, so it makes sense that she felt threatened when she suddenly got less. The problem is that I liked that setup. A lot. And it's got me wondering why.

 

Yes, it's normal and healthy to question and analyze your marriage. Not doing that is called complacency, which is how marriages fail. The next step is exploring those thoughts, and active communication.

 

I think the whole baby plan is an assumption.

[Timshel]

The risk of having a open marriage or being with other people for anyone is that they may indeed become more attached to the other person. A situation like that require a tremendous amount of maturity from all the participants.

Even then, the risk remains, definitely playing with fire.

 

If it is important to you to have more experiences and explore, and that really is not surprising for your age and why most people don't marry so young, then I would suggest a divorce.

 

You don't want to cheat, you want to be honest and you want to treat your wife with respect. The only way to do that is get divorce.

 

Truthfully, and I mean no disrespect, I can't imagine that you would not be questioning marriage and why you are in it. You are very young for such a huge commitment. From my own experience, people of any age can marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

 

There will come a time/partner that everything makes sense but I think people get afraid that they may not meet someone else or do any better. There is a right person and a right time if a person is willing to trust their gut and wait for it. Good Luck!