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Found out husband had feelings for another girl while still with me


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I found out two weeks ago that my husband developed feelings for one of his female friends when we were dating. This took place about 5 years ago and the feelings are now gone. But it's new to me. I just want to be able to trust that nothing like this will never happen again. But how can I?

 

Just some quick info. We're 24f/25m. We have been together for 6 years but just got married about a month ago. We just bought a house together and I am pregnant with his child. Our life was going perfect until I found this out.

 

First I want to explain my husband's character a little so you understand our relationship:

 

My husband has always been kinda flirty and he keeps in touch with a lot of girls that he used to flirt with back in high school. His way of being friendly with girls back then was to be flirty. He's changed now where it's clear what his intentions are, but back then he really led the girls on. We got together after high school. I was friends with him for 3 years before we got together and I knew how he was. He's always been against cheating but he would get really close to crossing the line and, in my opinion, did cross the line in past relationships. He did cheat on a girl once but immediately broke up with her. He always says if he cheats on someone, then he obviously doesn't want to be with them. And he stuck true to his word. That's why I believe that he's never physically cheated on me. But, I fear he may have emotionally.

 

Being friends with him, I saw that he would act defiantly with jealous girlfriends. When a girlfriend would suspect something between another girl friend and him it would basically become something more than it was. So my deal with him from the start was that I'm perfectly okay with him hanging out with other girls, texting them, talking to them, whatever. Just don't touch them. I now think I should have specified, don't fall for them either. And up until now, I thought I really knew him better than any of those other girls. Because I knew how to keep him. Now I kinda feel stupid and maybe I should have kept a leash on him.

 

 

Now to the story:

 

I'll call her Cindy. Cindy was one of the girls that my husband was good friends with before we got together and boy did he used to flirt big time with her. Cindy tried to get with my husband before we were together. They would get into serious arguments because he wouldn't leave his girlfriend at the time for her. I mean Cindy isn't the only girl from his past that he had a history like this with. Lots of flirting, hand holding, but never amounted to anywhere because he was hung up on another girl.

 

After high school, my husband had lost contact with Cindy. We got together. And then she started contacting him again. She was respectful of me. I think because she actually knew me and liked me. So she never actually tried to break us up like she did with his previous girlfriends. From my knowledge they kept it platonic and just texted really. She always texted him about the guys she was dating and he would give her advice. I probably know more about Cindy than she would like me to know because my husband would tell me about her and what she had going on. Eventually Cindy would invite both of us out to movies, lunch, stuff like that. And I knew that sometimes my husband would hang out with her without me because I wasn't able to go. I never suspected anything.

 

Well, a few weeks ago, my SIL told me that he had told her something in confidence but she didn't want to betray his trust. She said that I have nothing to worry about but I really need to talk to my husband. Apparently he told her that he had feelings for another girl while he was with me. And it really took a lot of digging for me to get my husband to tell me this. At first he tried to make it sound like that this wasn't while he was with me. Then he tried to say when we first got together he still had leftover feelings for Cindy but got over them. It took a lot to get him to admit that he was almost dating her just nothing physical.

 

It turns out that at some point after we started hanging out with Cindy. He started hanging out with just her and didn't tell me. She would visit him at work all the time and he would visit her at work. They would go out to eat together a lot when I was at work. He said that it was nothing but hanging out and general chit chat but I just can't see how he could develop feelings that easily if he still loved me. He always uses pet names and jokingly flirts via text message. He said that when he realized that she had feelings for him still he stopped all of that. He also jokingly tells people (men and women) that he loves them all the time and he realized that she was starting to say it back but seriously and he stopped doing that as well. He said that he would get drunk texts from her saying that she wished they could be together. That he was her best friend and she always wanted to marry her best friend. And he said that he would just basically tell her no.

 

This was years ago, she now has a boyfriend and is happy. I never see her anymore but I know my husband still texts her occasionally. Every once in a while he'll still go to lunch with her but I was always aware (this was before I found out).

 

I told my husband that we need to talk and I don't want him to try tell half truths. He promised he would tell me everything. That he never cheated on me and I have nothing to worry about. I asked him if they ever held hands, he said not while we were together. I asked them if they ever went to each others houses, he said no. I asked him why he didn't leave me for her, he said he wanted to be with me. I asked them then how could he have feelings for someone else, he said he didn't know. I asked him what he would say to her to make this happen, he said just general flirting.

 

I just don't feel like I know everything. I definitely don't understand. I don't know what else to ask him. I don't know what else to say to get over this. I told him that I don't know how I can trust him not to do this again, he said he understands. He was terrified I was going to leave him. I don't want to leave him but I'm afraid this might come between us. I'm worried I'll start getting jealous. I'm already curious now every time I see him texting when I used to not even notice. And when I know he's talking to Cindy, I want to know exactly what they're talking about. But I feel psycho for being so nosy. He also took a long time to tell her I'm pregnant. I asked him if he was afraid to tell her because of their history but he said no. He was nervous telling her but he says he doesn't know why. I mean, he was nervous telling a lot of people. (This is our first child.) But after a while he was basically just blurting it out after seeing someone we hadn't told yet.

 

I just don't know how to handle this. I still want to talk about this with him but I don't know what else to say. I think we should go to therapy about this but we just bought a house and are about to have a bunch of medical bills for this baby. I think therapy is about $127 a session and I would want quite a few sessions. What else would you guys ask/want to talk about in this situation?

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We have been together for 6 years but just got married about a month ago. We just bought a house together and I am pregnant with his child...

 

...Well, a few weeks ago, my SIL told me that he had told her something in confidence but she didn't want to betray his trust. She said that I have nothing to worry about but I really need to talk to my husband. Apparently he told her that he had feelings for another girl while he was with me. And it really took a lot of digging for me to get my husband to tell me this. At first he tried to make it sound like that this wasn't while he was with me. Then he tried to say when we first got together he still had leftover feelings for Cindy but got over them. It took a lot to get him to admit that he was almost dating her just nothing physical.

 

What is your SIL's game here?

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What is your SIL's game here?

 

That's a whole other story with her relationship. My husband likes to give advice to people and she started developing feelings for someone while still in a relationship. That's why he told her.

 

Later when I was just talking with my SIL, the whole thing kinda just came up. We were talking about relationships and I mentioned how I'll always wonder exactly what his history was with all those girls he still talks to from high school. She was acting kinda weird after that and I didn't push too hard but it scared me. That's when she told me I just needed to talk to my husband.

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You may need therapy but you don't need marriage counseling.

 

5 years ago when you were both still teens your HUSBAND who was your brand new BF at the time had a short crush on someone & it went no where. Fast forward 5 years during which he was a faithful BF, a devoted FI & now an otherwise perfect (your word) husband but you are freaking out.

 

STOP!

 

He picked you. He married you. He fathered your child.

 

You cannot beat him up for some stupid crush he had 5 years ago before he grew up.

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You are mad at your husband for something that is unfair to blame him for.

 

 

 

As human beings, we are unable to control whom we develop feelings for. What we can control, however, is where we choose to take those feelings. He chose to squelch them and remain loyal to you. Why does that make you made?

 

 

You talk how you want to be able to trust him again... uhmmmmm what did he do wrong? I think your jealousy may be the only thing that can divide you two right now.

 

 

Do not be insecure. If you were confident on your relationship, you wouldn't feel so threatened.

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So far it looks like the general consensus is that this is nothing and I should just get over it. I'm trying to. And I wouldn't say I'm mad at my husband or beating him up over it. We haven't been fighting or anything. It's just this is still in the back of my mind after finding out two weeks ago. I definitely questioned him big time to come clean when my SIL said that I needed to talk to him about something. I guess the worst part was he didn't just come out and tell me. He tried to, I guess not "lie", but phrase things in way that it sounded different than it really was. I've never been a jealous person and wasn't insecure about our relationship until finding this out. I guess I didn't realize that people are capable of having romantic feelings for multiple people at the same time. Since his response when I confronted him was to try to talk his way out of it, I'm worried that I don't know everything. Maybe he did kinda lead her on? I just don't understand how I should have been perfectly okay that he had feelings for someone else while he was still with me. I'm still trying to accept it and move on and it's a little difficult. It's definitely hard for me to understand how this can happen and be normal and perfectly okay. I know he did the right thing. It's just hard for me to understand how he could have feelings for someone else and me at the same time. I know this was a long time ago, but I just found out about this. Honestly, I wish that my SIL never told me about this.

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Your SIL was shi.t disturbing? Are you two close? Did she accept you into their family? Just wondering why she'd tell you that and then say talk to your husband... Really, it's in the past, you are married now and him having feelings for someone long ago shouldn't matter now. Though, with that said, no more one on one lunches and gatherings. Their friendship has to change and that it should include you and also her boyfriend. She was a friend of yours too, yet that friendship slipped away and now she only is friendly with your husband. You have every right to feel concerned.

 

Your H hasn't given you a reason now to make you think he's cheating on you, having an A with her. Make it clear to him that if there's more to tell he has to come clean now, that if later you find out there's more to this than meets the eye, it'll be much harder to forgive...

 

Back to the SIL, why would she tell you something that her bro told her in confidence..Either she is shi.t disturbing or there is more to this story.

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When I was 20, I had "feelings" for about 20 different girls at any one given time.

 

That doesn't mean it went anywhere and it certainly doesn't mean that I would allow anything to jeopardize a home, marriage and family years later when I was married and had actual responsibilities and commitments.

 

Chalk this one up to pregnant hormones and irrational insecurity. Tell him he needs to bring you home some pickles and mustard and rub your feet and you'll feel better.

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Back to the SIL, why would she tell you something that her bro told her in confidence..Either she is shi.t disturbing or there is more to this story.

 

There could be more. She's a little jealous of us. Also my husband hasn't agreed with how she's handling her situation with her relationship and has basically told her she was wrong. So she could be trying to make him feel wrong too. She's definitely mad at him because he told her like it is and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. I mean it doesn't seem like she manipulated the conversation for that to come up but maybe she did. It just seemed like that was where the conversation took us. She wouldn't tell me what exactly happened just that there was something I needed to know so I, of course, assumed the worst when I confronted me husband.

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There could be more. She's a little jealous of us. Also my husband hasn't agreed with how she's handling her situation with her relationship and has basically told her she was wrong. So she could be trying to make him feel wrong too. She's definitely mad at him because he told her like it is and it wasn't what she wanted to hear. I mean it doesn't seem like she manipulated the conversation for that to come up but maybe she did. It just seemed like that was where the conversation took us. She wouldn't tell me what exactly happened just that there was something I needed to know so I, of course, assumed the worst when I confronted me husband.

Hmmm - I think your SIL is more of a threat to your harmonious relationship than Cindy ever was.

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Thegameoflife

Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy. Keep up this crap, and you'll probably find yourself by yourself in a few years. Whenever you decided to share you feelings, make sure that it's rational, and has some kind of universally accepted basis before you start bringing it to people.

 

Just accept that you have no control over your husband at all. He's going to do whatever he is going to do, and the only choice you have is to put up with it or not. So far, he's been treating you well, so be thankful, and quit blowing things up in your head that are no big deal.

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I'll be the voice of dissent here.

 

Opposite sex friendships (especially where there has been any romance involved) are a threat to marriage. Far, far too many people have piss-poor boundaries and a spouse that doesn't want to be the jealous bitch or nag.

 

I think your H had poor boundaries when he was seeing you but virtually dating Cindy. His flirty approach to women is also concerning. It's also telling that he lied (by omission) about that relationship. And it's concerning that he's still in contact with her. Affairs start like this all the time and ruin marriages.

 

I think you've dodged a bullet here but the gun is still loaded. I recommend getting the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass and having both of you read it.

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I'll be the voice of dissent here.

 

Opposite sex friendships (especially where there has been any romance involved) are a threat to marriage. Far, far too many people have piss-poor boundaries and a spouse that doesn't want to be the jealous bitch or nag.

 

I think your H had poor boundaries when he was seeing you but virtually dating Cindy. His flirty approach to women is also concerning. It's also telling that he lied (by omission) about that relationship. And it's concerning that he's still in contact with her. Affairs start like this all the time and ruin marriages.

 

I think you've dodged a bullet here but the gun is still loaded. I recommend getting the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass and having both of you read it.

 

Thank you for not making me feel like I'm one of those jealous bitches that I don't want to be. All these people that are acting like I'm crazy jealous and making a big deal out of nothing: how would you feel if your spouse had feelings for someone else? Would you just be like, "Oh that's fine as long as you don't act on it." Would it seriously not bother you the slightest? I've been making sure I communicate with him exactly how I feel about the situation and other than this still lingering in my head, we're in a good place right now. I never even considered leaving him. I'm not making him sleep on the couch or anything. We're still communicating and spending quality time together and acting like a healthy couple. I was just a little hurt to find out about that and I haven't completely gotten over it.

 

And honestly, everyone who actually knows me knows that I'm the furthest from the jealous type. I have people all the time, including my husband's own mother, that tell me that I must really trust him because they would flip if their spouses acted the way mine does around the opposite sex.

 

When he finally told me what was going on his words were "I developed feelings for Cindy while I was with you. I liked her a lot. I really did" It makes me feel like it was more than a crush. There were deep emotions there. To this day, him and Cindy still communicate and a few times a year, meet up in person. I knew that she liked him before we got together, and I knew that he probably liked her too. But when they were spending all this time together, I thought that was completely in the past. It wasn't. Plus they were spending a lot more time together than I thought. There is something there between them that never had a chance to go anywhere. Heck, if she contacted him maybe a week before him and I started seeing each other, she might be the one married to him and pregnant with his child right now.

 

I just don't know how to handle this situation. I think eventually I will get over this, I guess only time can heal the hurt. Even if I'm a psycho, hormonal bitch to let something like that hurt me. But I mean, the next time I'm at work and I get a text that he's going to lunch with Cindy, should I be perfectly okay with it? Every time she's single, she pushes to be with my husband. I don't want to forbid him from seeing her but I don't want to let them develop feelings for each other again either.

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I'm with betrayed H on this one. You'll never be able to trust someone with piss poor boundaries like this man. Not to mention, he pretty much whores himself out emotionally to anyone who will have him. He has no business meeting of discussing this with these other women including the sister.

 

He's not a therapist and has no business at all with the opposite sex friends. If he is willing to admit this much, just imagine what he won't admit. It's pretty obvious he's willing to lie to maintain all these so called friendships.

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Not to mention, he pretty much whores himself out emotionally to anyone who will have him.

 

Honestly, that is very accurate of how he was in high school. He even told me himself that getting girls to like him was a game to him. But now he regrets how he was because he realized how much he led these girls on and hurt them. I even fell for it a few years before we got together. I later told him exactly how it made me feel and he felt horrible. He's not nearly as bad now because I know that he wants to be with me and he makes it clear that he is happily married when he is hanging out with other women. But he still likes the attention.

 

I periodically have to go over physical boundaries with him. He's a very affectionate person and honestly his boundaries were extremely lax when we first got together. I have to be very specific about what's not okay. I ended up having to tell him that other than a friendly hug when saying hello or goodbye, there's no reason to have physical contact with another girl. It was just 6 months ago I had to explain to him that sleeping in the same bed with another women is not okay even if all you did was sleep. He's told me that he needs specific rules because he just doesn't understand boundaries at all. In his mind, as long as I don't kiss or have sex with another man, he doesn't care what I do. I can sit in a guy's lap, I can play with a guys hair, I can go to bar and actively pursue and flirt with other guys and it's okay to him. (Not that I do any of these things, I've just asked him specifically and he said it wouldn't bother him) It's very odd to me, but I just had to explain to him what bothers me and what doesn't.

 

We never discussed emotional boundaries because all this time I thought that he never had any feelings for any of these girls. I don't think I can realistically expect him not to chat with other girls about their relationship problems. I don't know how to set the line emotionally. I mean like several people on here have said, he can't control his emotions. I'm not about to tell him he can't be friends with other women. I guess I'm just going to have to have a discussion with him to figure out where friendly feelings turn romantic and figure out how to avoid that from happening again.

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I'm with betrayed H on this one. You'll never be able to trust someone with piss poor boundaries like this man. Not to mention, he pretty much whores himself out emotionally to anyone who will have him. He has no business meeting of discussing this with these other women including the sister.

 

He's not a therapist and has no business at all with the opposite sex friends. If he is willing to admit this much, just imagine what he won't admit. It's pretty obvious he's willing to lie to maintain all these so called friendships.

 

Thisthisthis. Wish I had been more firm about boundaries and opposite sex friends 16 months ago. It's one thing to have girl acquaintances or friends of the marriage. Another matter to be giving relationship advice to old flames. Too many red flags here. He needs to see what he is doing before the slippery slope. Not just friends is a good book for him.

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I'm not about to tell him he can't be friends with other women. I guess I'm just going to have to have a discussion with him to figure out where friendly feelings turn romantic and figure out how to avoid that from happening again.

 

Why are you afraid to tell him he can't have female friends? He has already admitted poor boundaries. Besides I'm calling b.s. on that. Unless he is autistic or has some other issue he is able to understand acceptable social norms. Would he do to a guy what he has just done to a girl? There you go, that's what is ok. If you wouldn't do it to a guy don't do it to a girl.

 

Standing up for yourself and protecting your marriage is not unreasonable. You have every right to decide what you will put up with. Although I suspect he is making excuses for when you find out he has done.more. really? Sleeping in bed is ok with him?

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Hmmm - I think your SIL is more of a threat to your harmonious relationship than Cindy ever was.

 

Or the SIL knows more than the husband is telling his wife.

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Honestly, that is very accurate of how he was in high school. He even told me himself that getting girls to like him was a game to him. But now he regrets how he was because he realized how much he led these girls on and hurt them. I even fell for it a few years before we got together. I later told him exactly how it made me feel and he felt horrible. He's not nearly as bad now because I know that he wants to be with me and he makes it clear that he is happily married when he is hanging out with other women. But he still likes the attention.

 

I periodically have to go over physical boundaries with him. He's a very affectionate person and honestly his boundaries were extremely lax when we first got together. I have to be very specific about what's not okay. I ended up having to tell him that other than a friendly hug when saying hello or goodbye, there's no reason to have physical contact with another girl. It was just 6 months ago I had to explain to him that sleeping in the same bed with another women is not okay even if all you did was sleep. He's told me that he needs specific rules because he just doesn't understand boundaries at all. In his mind, as long as I don't kiss or have sex with another man, he doesn't care what I do. I can sit in a guy's lap, I can play with a guys hair, I can go to bar and actively pursue and flirt with other guys and it's okay to him. (Not that I do any of these things, I've just asked him specifically and he said it wouldn't bother him) It's very odd to me, but I just had to explain to him what bothers me and what doesn't.

 

We never discussed emotional boundaries because all this time I thought that he never had any feelings for any of these girls. I don't think I can realistically expect him not to chat with other girls about their relationship problems. I don't know how to set the line emotionally. I mean like several people on here have said, he can't control his emotions. I'm not about to tell him he can't be friends with other women. I guess I'm just going to have to have a discussion with him to figure out where friendly feelings turn romantic and figure out how to avoid that from happening again.

 

I think he is deliberately playing dumb and no he should not be discussing relationship problems with other women. His nor theirs.

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Why are you afraid to tell him he can't have female friends? He has already admitted poor boundaries. Besides I'm calling b.s. on that. Unless he is autistic or has some other issue he is able to understand acceptable social norms. Would he do to a guy what he has just done to a girl? There you go, that's what is ok. If you wouldn't do it to a guy don't do it to a girl.

Agreed. The problem isn't the female friends, it's your husbands definition of friendship. Committed adults don't act that way.

 

Since your husband was in his teens at the time, up to you to decide how much slack to cut him for past events.

 

Does he still act this way with the women around him :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Hello,

 

Thanks for everyone's input on this a few weeks ago. I have an update. I stopped looking at this thread when the general consensus was that this is no big deal. I was working on getting past this. I never read that afterwards people were commenting that maybe I do have something to worry about.

 

So I never bothered bringing it up again with my husband. But then tonight I did something I never thought I would do and snooped on his phone.

 

I found his thread with Cindy. Most of it was general chit chat about work, life, etc. But they text about once a week or so. Which is more than what he told me. They also still go to lunch about once or twice a month. Which is more than what he told me. For a while nothing was too discriminating and I was trying not to let that they are in contact more than I thought bother me. I did notice that he went to lunch with her on our anniversary and 3 days before we got married. This kinda bothered me but I don't know if I have reason to let this bother me.

 

Then I got to one of the first texts with her on this phone. He got this phone around April this year. She sent him a picture of her dog. He said that her dog was cute and he would make it her display picture on his phone. He then commented that he would use a picture of her but he doesn't think it would be appropriate.

 

ugh I'm just sick to my stomach. I don't know what to think or what to do. I don't want to admit to snooping but I need to somehow make him come clean. This is just sickening and right now I can't even go back in my bed because he's in it.

 

She texted back "Omg you still have those?" And he told her he thinks they might still be on his old phone but he wasn't sure. So I don't know when these pictures were sent but they had to be after he told me the little crush he had on her was over.

 

This is just disgusting. I don't mind him looking at porn but at naked pictures of someone he knows and has feelings for is just disgusting and I don't know how to get over this.

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He then commented that he would use a picture of her but he doesn't think it would be appropriate.

 

 

She texted back "Omg you still have those?" And he told her he thinks they might still be on his old phone but he wasn't sure. So I don't know when these pictures were sent but they had to be after he told me the little crush he had on her was over.

 

This is just disgusting. I don't mind him looking at porn but at naked pictures of someone he knows and has feelings for is just disgusting and I don't know how to get over this.

 

 

Quick question - how do you know they are naked pictures of her?

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Quick question - how do you know they are naked pictures of her?

 

Well I did assume but, come on? What would any logical person think that would mean? I'm done being naive and trusting him 100%. I confronted him since my update and he's admitted that his goal when he first started talking to her was to get naked pictures of her. He said he masturbated to them. And even admitted to cheating on me with her 3 years ago. He used to leave work early to go to her house. And then he would come home and tell me he stayed a little late at work. I can't believe a word he says right now but according to him they never had sex. Apparently they felt each other up and kissed each others necks but to him it wasn't cheating because they never had sex or kissed each other on the mouth. To me that's cheating and he says that he just admitted to himself that he cheated when confessing to me.

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I too have what I considered early on a *flirtatious* husband. Of course at times it would take me back. I tried to except it as his personality. Then we had children. This is when I realized he wasn't flirtious he was just a very affectionate guy.

 

So, then I evaluated over time (20+ years), watching him with our children, his family, his friends. ..ect he hugs EVERYONE and often. I was raised in an affection less home and it was a huge thing for me something I have learned to admire. I am going to bet (and you would be very fortunate) that he will continue and it will be appreciated on a whole new level with your child.

 

As for your SIL... that is beyond belief that she is starting crap! She isn't doing you any favor and people like that makes me think they have their own issues so they project issues in other people's lives to have a companion in their misery.

 

I am sure even the manner and the tone in which she presented it to you helped escalate your anger/hurt and need to pursue it with your husband. Keep an eye on her... you are still young in life, love, marrage and motherhood. Next she is going to tell you something is wrong with your child.

 

As for your husband giving full disclosure to your questioning be grateful! He very well could have blown you off as accusing him or not trusting him...ect it sounds like he is communicating just fine. You have insecurities you need to sort out. It often happens in pregnancy when our body changes and don't *feel* desirable. Confidence and secure is *most* desirable!!

 

I suggest you seek counciling to work through this so it is not something that carries on especially when baby arrives.

 

Your husband chose YOU! Embrace it!

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I found his thread with Cindy. Most of it was general chit chat about work, life, etc. But they text about once a week or so. Which is more than what he told me. They also still go to lunch about once or twice a month. Which is more than what he told me. For a while nothing was too discriminating and I was trying not to let that they are in contact more than I thought bother me. I did notice that he went to lunch with her on our anniversary and 3 days before we got married. This kinda bothered me but I don't know if I have reason to let this bother me.

 

Then I got to one of the first texts with her on this phone. He got this phone around April this year. She sent him a picture of her dog. He said that her dog was cute and he would make it her display picture on his phone. He then commented that he would use a picture of her but he doesn't think it would be appropriate.

 

ugh I'm just sick to my stomach.

 

Whether or not this is an innocent friendship or something more, the problem here is that you were unaware of the extent of it. He has lied to you, and he has minimised the role this girl plays in his life.

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