Broken marriage and my resolution to save it

[icDude]

I'm asking for your help.

 

I have been married for 6 years with 3 kids. My wife does not love me. She is blunt about it. We are stuck as they say.

 

She has had a boyfriend several times. Mostly online and email, but a guy she talks to; an ex from high school. I nearly had a breakdown several years ago, when I found out about it, she threatened to leave me then but never did. I convinced her to stay and give it another shot (once I crawled out of my fetal position bawling on the floor).

 

I'm no saint either. The nitty-gritty details can be found in former threads I have started on the Infidelity forum (just look up icDude). But lets just say I was mean early on, and angry, and immature... and occationally, I go out a drink too much. (thats what she's got on me anyway, to throw in my face)

 

But during that time I decided to love her 'unconditionally' so that is what I am doing. (you can thank Jesus; I'm pretty much atheist, but if that guy can do it, why can't I)

 

Lets cut to this Friday, all hallows eve, I came home early to find her on her ipad talking to this ex on facetime. Smack across my face, right. What have I been doing for this last two years? So I yelled and fought and was a little rough with her. (*shame*)

 

So now we are back at square one. The starting line if you will. But I am resolved to work it out, starting from zero, starting from lines like "I don't love you," and "I never will."

 

But I made a resolution. And I want anyone who is willing, to help me.

[d0nnivain]

You can't resolve this by yourself because you didn't break it by yourself. If she doesn't stop with the BF why do you want to continue this?

[ComingInHot]

icDude,

You can only change you. It is the hardest thing to accept, I know. And you cannot fix what is broken in the Marriage all by yourself because it takes TWO of you working on the marriage and with each other.

 

I encourage you to do your best from today through forever. Be the better person. Be the strength and the rock. For as long as you can and are willing.

 

Don't be her doormat. Don't be her punching bag.

 

When the day or marriage is over, you will know you did your very best and are leaving as a better person than you were before.

[icDude]

thanks d0nnivain and ComingInHot,

 

I've been through this before. The BF is like a ear for her to bend and someone she confides in. I don't like it, but what can I do. I have 3 kids and a commitment to her.

 

Does she think she loves this other guy, yeah, but he has never been there for her physically, he has a family of his own and lives in another state far away. At best it is a game they are playing and won't give up on. But as you said the only one I can work on is myself.

 

If she is 'afraid' of me, and she says that she is, how can she love me?

I'm bigger than her and I get very angry when I'm emotional. I have learned to control it a lot over the years, but perhaps not enough, and perhaps not soon enough.

 

[Sub]

I would definitely work on yourself, and your anger. Nobody can really say whether she will love you again. You mentioned her being afraid of you and the fact you were "a little rough with her". Where were your kids when this was going on, if I might ask?

[oldshirt]

What's biting you in the butt is striving for unconditional love. Marital love must be very conditional if it is to survive. You can't love someone that doesn't love you and carets on with other men against your wishes. She needs to know that and needs to feel its ramifications.

 

If she thinks you will accept poor treatment (which you are doing) then she has no reason to stop it. The longer you accept it and try to adapt to it, the worse it will get.

 

You are being weak and foolish. Women can't respect men who are weak and foolish. And they can't love or desire men they don't respect.

[evanescentworld]

I'm so sorry OP, but you have 'doormat' neatly calligraphed across your forehead.

 

The only thing this will do is just go on, and on, same old same-old, until you retire to a sad, lonely, unmourned-by-her early grave.

 

you must have heard the phrase "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting/hoping for a different result."

 

If you really want a different result, you're going to have to resort to something completely different.

Change who you are, change the entire scenario, and change habitat.

 

Yup.

leave.

File for divorce and custody.

 

Nothing you do to save this relationship, will save it.

Why?

Because there IS no relationship.

There IS no marriage.

There is nothing you can do, as an individual, with a one-sided determination, to do anything to draw this back, because she - won't - play.

 

How many people stood at the altar?

How many people took the vows?

It takes two.

And salvaging this will take joint, willing, enthusiastic effort - from both sides.

 

If she's not even in your ball park, bowling will just land your ball on a patch of bare, dry, yellow grass.

Because she's in another field entirely.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

File for divorce, custody and child support. She wants to whore around, your kids do not need to see it.

 

Seriously dude, why don't you care more about yourself? She does not love you. She never will. She is being clear about it.

 

Dump the bitch and find someone, someday, who deserves you.

[elaine567]

>>"But lets just say I was mean early on, and angry, and immature... and occationally, I go out a drink too much."

 

Your wife is not going to forget that stuff, your wife is not going to see your "unconditional love" - she is going to remember the mean and angry stuff and unless you have changed completely and she sees you making the effort then that resentment is just going to build and build.

 

This online boyfriend talking is perhaps more about just someone to speak to who understands her, than pure infidelity.

 

>>"So I yelled and fought and was a little rough with her. (*shame*)"

Well she is not going to forget that in a hurry either and I presume she is right on to the "boyfriend" to get some sympathy now.

 

>>"If she is 'afraid' of me, and she says that she is, how can she love me?"

No-one can love, in the true sense of the word, anyone who scares them.

 

I suggest you go to anger management and show her you are determined to change as you love her and want to continue with the marriage. It may be too late, if she is indeed frightened of you.

If SHE is afraid then what about your children, you owe it to them to try and resolve this.

Living with anger and the resulting "walking on eggshells" is not good for any child.

[troubledhusband]

You remind me of those two doctor friends of mine that meet in med school. She was married but roommate with him during the week while going to her husband on the weekend. One thing let to another and she started to sleep with her roommate.

 

She had a kid, after the kid was born her husband took a DNA test. Found out it's not his and divorced her. The roommate found out it's his kid and they have been growing the kid together ever since then. They do not love each other, are not married and seem to have a miserable life. He's approaching 40s now and the kid like 8.

 

Do you really want to live your life with someone that does not love you?

Isn't it better to call it quits and move on find happiness in few years from now?

[tobrieornottobrie]

That's a tough situation, I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. Have you asked your wife to do some marital counseling? Maybe that would be a good place to start? Just a thought. I hope it gets better for you. Best of luck, friend.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[beach]

So sorry she's being this way.

 

But look, if she's not giving you/the marriage 150% of her attention and energy to repair the damage she caused then you don't have a partner to work with.

 

Looks like she intends to have it over with.

 

Please respect yourself and formally end it.

 

She can leave. Let her find out what it's like to do it all on her own.

[GorillaTheater]

I can support you no more than I could support someone who wanted to commit suicide or start a brand-new meth addiction. I can't support anyone who wants to engage in spectacularly unhealthy behavior, even if it appears noble on the surface.

 

The best support I can give you is to give you tactical and strategic divorce advice.

 

If you want to bust up the affair, which you'll need to do to save your marriage (although it's painful for me to type that phrase), broadcast it's existence far and wide to family and friends. Perfect strangers, for that matter.

[whichwayisup]

What do you actually "love" about your wife? She doesn't love you, doesn't respect you, she's doing what she wants regardless of how you feel. She doesn't seem to care at all how much she's hurting you. She is not acting like a wife should be acting.

 

Your kids see how things are. They are young but as they get older they'll see mommy treating daddy like crap and staying. Kids learn about relationships from what they see when growing up. The damage this may be doing to them isn't good... Wouldn't it be better to have shared custody, two separate houses this way your kids get the best of you both? Sure it'll be hard for a while but it can work, thousands do this all over the world and make it work, they do survive.

 

Just an option to think about.

[whichwayisup]

thanks d0nnivain and ComingInHot,

 

I've been through this before. The BF is like a ear for her to bend and someone she confides in. I don't like it, but what can I do. I have 3 kids and a commitment to her.

 

Does she think she loves this other guy, yeah, but he has never been there for her physically, he has a family of his own and lives in another state far away. At best it is a game they are playing and won't give up on. But as you said the only one I can work on is myself.

 

If she is 'afraid' of me, and she says that she is, how can she love me?

I'm bigger than her and I get very angry when I'm emotional. I have learned to control it a lot over the years, but perhaps not enough, and perhaps not soon enough.

 

 

What can you do? Tell her you and the kids or the OM. She can't have it both ways! Either she recommits to you and the marriage or she can pack her bags and go to the OM. If she shows real remorse and you feel she's worthy of a second chance, then allow her to prove that to you, to regain your trust and faith in her again. You both go to marriage counseling. Together and apart. She can work on herself, try to fix the reasons as to why she feels the need to cheat on you and you can work on your anger and learn to diffuse it so you don't blow up.

[Friskyone4u]

As long as you stick with the statement that no matter what she does you are committed to stay with her you will find no resolution and you might as well accept the fact she now has you in an open marriage and buddy it ain't going to get any better for you.

You can keep blaming **** you did years ago but she has absolutely no consequences other than a little shouting from you so why would she stop her EA. and by the way , if you do not get your head out of your butt there is an out of town trip by her in your future and guess what she will be doing. Or the next online guy may live ten minutes from you.

You cannot stop her, but you CAN tell her what YOU will accept and the first thing should be is that their will not be more than two people in your marriage or you refuse to participate. But every time you tell her you will not leave her and love her you are guaranteeing this behavior will continue and there is nothing anyone here can tell you that will change that.

So Inwould consult an attorney , find out your rights, and do not tell her. When you have papers drawn up present them to her with YOUR demands to remain in the marriage( how about not you sharing her with other men to start) . You can stop the process anytime you want to but that will knock her out of her fog real quick or you will be done wit the drama. And do not use your kids as an excuse. They are better off not being in a dysfunctional home with your wife dating and you a stressed out mess.

The alternative for you is to do nothing and keep posting about your pain and there will be plenty of pain for you

Sorry for the 2x4 but you need some real world advice

[icDude]

Ah the wisdom of the masses.

Thank you for your sage advice. Let me respond to some of you. First, tobrieornottobrie suggested that i seek counseling with my wife, and GorillaTheater suggested broadcasting the affair.

and to Sub, my kids were not home, I came home midday and she was there talking on the ipad with the OM.

 

Let me just say a few things. First I believe this is a relapse on my wife's part. Two years ago she had a true affair with this guy. When I found out about it, it was after, (as Friskyone4u said) she went on an out of town trip to met him that I confronted her and found out everything. I told her to stop at the time. She resisted. I dug into her email and private devices and pulled the whole sorted thing out. She was in love with him and ready to leave me. Even conjuring up some fantasy that they could run off together (with my kids and his kids I presume) nevermind they live on different borders of the country. So at tobrieornottobrie's suggestion, we went to counseling, at my suggestion and to GorillaTheater's suggestion I aired our laundry, telling her folks ( I would talk to anyone at the time); they sided with me, and even found out the OM's wife's email and sent her several messages. It was probably the breakdown of the fantasy that eventually ended the thing, which was still several months of anguish on my part.

 

So she agreed to stay. But I nearly lost her. And things weren't great but I thought they were getting better, until recently, and then 'bam', I catch her and she says that she had only been talking to him for 4 days, since her birthday, and when I caught her she was saying 'goodbye' to him. Do I trust that as truth? Not sure, but I can't track her every moment of the day so its not worth the effort in examining it.

 

She has been very friendly in the last few days, more polite and friendly. She has also claimed that the last she spoke to him was that day after I went for a walk and only after he asked if she was 'okay' and only to tell him that she was.

 

So back to the point. I have heard from others on this forum that ending an affair with someone can be very hard and relapses have occurred. My mission is to protect my family and keeping it together may be better for my children, or as some have noted it may be worse. But what is certain is that her problem is not with my children but with me, and therefore she still is the only other person in this world with a real reason to protect them. Therefore her interest is still my interest. Such is my resolve.

[GorillaTheater]

I wasn't sure if the OM was married, but now knowing that he is and that his wife already has at least some idea about what's going on, I would bring her very much into the loop about what's going on now. It fits well within the general idea of "exposure", and she may well be your best ally in breaking the (renewed? continued?) affair up. It stops being fun for the OM when his wife's on his ass in a serious way, and maybe her lawyer, too.

 

How did she react to the first round of exposure?

[icDude]

And do not use your kids as an excuse. They are better off not being in a dysfunctional home

 

To this point I must retort that my children's safety is more important than my stress level. One report has suggested that girls are 5 times more likely to be raped by a step-father, so no I do not think they are better off with out me. I have to be their protector, it is my job, and there are real threats out there.

[icDude]

How did she react to the first round of exposure?

 

The OM's Wife did not respond to me, but I heard through my wife that almost immediately afterword, his wife asked the OM if he was having an affair. I do believe it had some disruptive effects. It may be a step I take if I feel a continuation of the affair is occurring. Of course without digging into my wife's personal files it may be hard for me to know if it is happening assuming she is continuing to lie about it.

[Man Mountain Makino]

She has had a boyfriend several times. Mostly online and email, but a guy she talks to; an ex from high school. I nearly had a breakdown several years ago, when I found out about it, she threatened to leave me then but never did. I convinced her to stay and give it another shot (once I crawled out of my fetal position bawling on the floor).

Nothing remotely attractive about this, bro. Stand up to her, be a man. That's the only option you have in order to have even a chance of her loving you again.

[icDude]

The problem with all of this, is that the only suggestions that I get for standing up to her, is to leave.

This is useful only if you feel that backing out of something you agreed to is a viable option.

Lets put this in a different light. This was a boyfriend from high school. The only other boyfriend she ever had. Over the years, whenever our relationship was bad she turned to him for a support. This I was aware of, before we were married. A couple years ago, she broke and decided that she was not 'putting him away again' in her words. This is what I would call the affair. Before that I really never felt threatened by her relationship with this guy, in hindsight, perhaps I should have seen it coming but I didn't.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm an intimidating M***f***, and brutal when I need to be. I am not at all weak, just loyal and committed, ... from all the advice I am getting here, I guess loyal is a weakness. It took me a long time to agree to this marriage (years - nearly five, much of it painful for her) so it will take a lot for me to agree to end it.

 

Where are we now? She has suggested that what she did was a 'slip' on her part; a small mistake, a relapse. "I was curious about what he was doing," she says, and she is committed to moving forward with our relationship. Though she still has a hard time giving me the affection needed.

 

Do I believe all this? I expect her to slip again. I expect that I don't have the whole story.

 

What would you do? Leave her? Come on, we are human's not angels. And I have three kids to raise, a mortgage, goals, and a willingness to accept flaws that can't be avoided.

 

What is the alternative? Leave her... spit my assets, split my kids, delay my goals, and find someone new with new (perhaps worse) flaws I can't avoid. Plus they would have to deal with me, which is no easy day.

 

The solution is the resolve I have previously stated. To try to rebuild my marriage.

[evanescentworld]

Then padon me, but repeating the same exercise again, having failed previously, simply confirms it's an insane idea.

Why come here seeking advice from many - who CAN see the wood for the trees - if you're just going to repeat the same behaviour?

Circumstances don't matter - and neither do words.

 

Actions - count.

 

And as we've tried to explain, you are rebuilding your marriage single-handed.

 

Should she contribute, co-operate and comply with this idea, then that would be a step forward.

 

but what YOU see as 'rebuilding' your marriage, is simply a signal to her that she can repeat the same behaviour time and time again - and you, like some simpering doormat - will always tolerate it.

 

You tolerate it because you believe it constructive.

 

It isn't.

It teaches your children the wrong things about Respect, trust and Communication in a relationship, it sends them the wrong message about how to deal with infidelity and selfishness, and it just makes you out to be someone you believe you're not.

A cuckolded husband with a masochistic streak.

 

It's a shame you fail to see the sense in what we say.

If this was a one-off, maybe we'd be more encouraging.

But she seems to enjoy stepping all over you, and you seem to enjoy the result.

 

What you believe is happening - and what is ACTUALLY happening - are two completely different and diametrically opposite things.

You think you're marriage-building.

She believes she's having her cake and eating it.

of the two, trust us - she has the far more accurate picture.

[icDude]

Should she contribute, co-operate and comply with this idea, then that would be a step forward.

 

I agree, and at this point she seems to be doing that. But I am trying to keep it moving in this direction and not move back toward this guy again. Not sure I can do it, as many of you on this site seem to think my actions are futile, but for now, and as long as I think she is working on it too, I will continue.

 

Don't misunderstand me, I am working on my own prospects as well. I am building myself up (career, body, etc...) and at some point I might call it over, I am not afraid to do that for me, only for my children, who need to be taught to stand for things.

[lollipopspot]

What do you mean that you are rough with her and that she's scared of you? What exactly has happened in terms of physical violence?