My marriage is struggling...

[Lovelike]

My husband and I have been married for over a year. Recently we had a fight about where to live. In that fight, things were said that hurt the both of us. So much, that my husband has disconnected from me. All the issues he has had with me in our relationship has come out and now he's at a stage of anger and resentment. He feels there has been a lack of intimacy in our relationship and I don't appreciate him. While all of this has been going on he was studying for his bar exam. He moved out for 2 months to prepare for the exam. At the same time we were going to marriage counseling (we stopped to allow him to focus on his exam). I went on to see my own therapist because I realize that issues (abuse) in my past have affected my relationship with him. I'm confronting my demons which has been pretty hard. My husband moved back in 2 weeks ago but he's still resentful and not sure he wants to remain married. He says he needs time and wants to hold off going back to counseling.

 

I love my husband but feel terrible for making him feel the way he does. I don't want him to be unhappy and I know working on healing from my past will not happen overnight. I don't want to lose him while trying to work through my issues but I don't want him to continue to be resentful. What can I do? Any advice would be appreciated.

[jackslife]

To a degree this may be out of your hands now.

 

If I've got this right, you've having marriage problems after a year of being married? 2 months of which your husband moved out to 'revise'?

 

He is now saying he's not sure he wants to stay married and doesn't want to go to counselling? Sorry, I think your marriage is already over.

 

I wouldn't take all this on yourself though. It does take two to make a marriage work.

 

I'd see a lawyer and find out where you stand re assets etc. Then you can talk to your husband about separating. It may shock him into working on your marriage, but if it's in so much trouble this soon and you have no children and no real financial obligations you should end it and move on. Sorry.

[d0nnivain]

Have you apologized for the mean things you said? Perhaps that will motive him to apologize for the mean things he said.

 

If he's studying for the bar it means he has communications skills. Get him to use those skills along with his conflict resolution skills to work with you toward healing your marriage.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm really sorry to hear that you are facing these difficulties in your marriage. Are you still continuing to see a therapist by yourself? I definitely think that one of the most helpful things that you can do for yourself and your marriage is to be in counseling, even if you're having to go by yourself. I hope that it gets better for you, friend. Blessings.

 

~ the brie's cheese knees ~

[Lovelike]

Jackslife, part of me believes it's over. I'm not sure if i should initiate the divorce or wait till he does. One of his issues with me has been my lack of effort in the relationship. If I start divorce proceedings wouldn't I essentially be proving once again that I'm not making an effort in our marriage?

 

Donnivain, I have apologized for what was said. However, I can't take it back and he's not a person that forgives. He's a person who when he is wronged after, giving someone all of him, he's holds a grudge.

 

I do continue with individual therapy. I can't say enough how it has helped me. There are patterns in my behavior. All those patterns stem from fear of rejection and lack of trust. I know whether my marriage survives or not, at least I recognize those fears and with continued therapy can work through them.

[elaine567]

I can't take it back and he's not a person that forgives. He's a person who when he is wronged after, giving someone all of him, he's holds a grudge.

 

I think you answered your own question. You cannot change a person who holds onto grudges and who feels that you have wronged him,

So either you stick around, be his scapegoat, be miserable for most of your life and sacrifice yourself at his altar or you move on to a happier relationship.

You will never be able to right that wrong and what other "wrong" will you commit in the future, that will also be unacceptable to him? A wrong that you will not be able to put right, due to his tendency to hold grudges and breed resentment and anger?

 

As you say "things were said that hurt the both of us" - so YOU are supposed to apologise, feel guilty and remorseful, whilst he adopts the role of being "right" and sulking.

 

Another thing - Who moves out of a marriage to study for an exam? Surely he could have studied whilst living with you? This is a red flag.

 

Do not beat yourself up any longer. One year is enough penance, be thankful you have sussed him out this early on, whilst the complications are minimal, and seek a divorce ASAP, is my advice.

[jackslife]

If you are deciding whether you should wait for him or you should initiate, that's just not a good place for a marriage to be.

 

Maybe it's time for a sit down grown up conversation. Considering how early it is in the marriage - it just doesn't look very good does it?

 

This should be your lovey dovey, bouncing off the walls, endlessly texting, hugging and kissing part of the marriage. So much conflict and misery early on is bad.

 

I said before, you are both young, you don't have children. Sit down and have the grown up chat. If you both decide to make it work then great. But this just doesn't sound like a happy marriage for either of you.

 

Good luck with how it all turns out.

[Madlove]

Divorce him

[Lovelike]

So I spoke with my husband. He continues to bring up all the things I did wrong in the relationship and that he still is unsure about marriage. I said to him we should file. He immediately became angry accusing me of making the decision for him. He said that if he is unsure then that's what he is and I have no right to try and force his hand. He refused to fill the form so I did. He refused to talk to me and left angry. I just don't understand him. Why complain about all the things I did wrong and how unhappy he is but get angry when I initiate a divorce?

[heartshaped]

So I spoke with my husband. He continues to bring up all the things I did wrong in the relationship and that he still is unsure about marriage. I said to him we should file. He immediately became angry accusing me of making the decision for him. He said that if he is unsure then that's what he is and I have no right to try and force his hand. He refused to fill the form so I did. He refused to talk to me and left angry. I just don't understand him. Why complain about all the things I did wrong and how unhappy he is but get angry when I initiate a divorce?

 

He doesn't want a divorce. He's said as much. He's unsure what he wants and like he said, you are trying to force his hand or call his bluff. Bad move when from the sounds of it you have some issues that have contributed a lot to the degradation of this relationship.

 

What is it that you want? If it's to stay married this is the wrong way to go about it.

 

If you want to stay married my advice is as follows;

 

He asked you for space and I would give him that. He was studying to take the bar exam, this is a tough time in his life, and he probably wanted to just put your relationship on ice for now. This isn't a bad thing. You're in therapy working through issues you have never addressed and he's still upset at everything that's happened.

 

I would apologize for my responsibility in the position our marriage is in now (he has responsibility in this as well but this is not the time to point that out when he's angry and on the fence) and I would continue individual counseling as well as commit myself to being the type of spouse that I would want to be married to.

 

If you don't want to be married to him any longer, just go ahead with the divorce what he thinks/feels doesn't matter anyways in that regard.

[Lovelike]

He doesn't want a divorce. He's said as much. He's unsure what he wants and like he said, you are trying to force his hand or call his bluff. Bad move when from the sounds of it you have some issues that have contributed a lot to the degradation of this relationship.

 

What is it that you want? If it's to stay married this is the wrong way to go about it.

 

If you want to stay married my advice is as follows;

 

He asked you for space and I would give him that. He was studying to take the bar exam, this is a tough time in his life, and he probably wanted to just put your relationship on ice for now. This isn't a bad thing. You're in therapy working through issues you have never addressed and he's still upset at everything that's happened.

 

I would apologize for my responsibility in the position our marriage is in now (he has responsibility in this as well but this is not the time to point that out when he's angry and on the fence) and I would continue individual counseling as well as commit myself to being the type of spouse that I would want to be married to.

 

If you don't want to be married to him any longer, just go ahead with the divorce what he thinks/feels doesn't matter anyways in that regard.

 

I don't know if I want to remain married to him. He has said a lot of hurtful things to me. He barely speaks to me unless I speak to him. Everytime we manage to have a civil moment he brings up something from our past. He's a resentful person. I have tried to be the wife he wants but he doesn't trust anything I do or say. I understand he's angry but how long do I allow him to shut me out and be cold to me? When is enough enough?

[Friskyone4u]

Ok. So far unless I missed something your "issues" have nothing to do with infidelity on your part. If that is not what is causing you two to not get along, why stay in a relationship where you get verbally abused.

If his stating you are not committed to the marriage and it does have to do with another man in the picture here, then his anger would be a little more justified.

Since you did not state that , let's assume you two should not have gotten married and split the assets, shake hands and separate

[newmoon]

I don't know if I want to remain married to him. He has said a lot of hurtful things to me. He barely speaks to me unless I speak to him. Everytime we manage to have a civil moment he brings up something from our past. He's a resentful person. I have tried to be the wife he wants but he doesn't trust anything I do or say. I understand he's angry but how long do I allow him to shut me out and be cold to me? When is enough enough?

 

how is it possible that he never acted this way prior to marriage? it seems like how he manages his anger would have come up much before this point. i have a hard time believing he all of a sudden morphed into a verbally abuse angerbomb, as you've surely had many fights before marriage. so, you stay with your problem person or you move on from it. it really is quite simple. make a choice that is best for your future.

[Lovelike]

how is it possible that he never acted this way prior to marriage? it seems like how he manages his anger would have come up much before this point. i have a hard time believing he all of a sudden morphed into a verbally abuse angerbomb, as you've surely had many fights before marriage. so, you stay with your problem person or you move on from it. it really is quite simple. make a choice that is best for your future.

 

He's never acted this way before marriage. We've had arguments in the past but he's never shut down. He admits he has a hard time letting things go. This is apparent in his relationships with 2 of his siblings and past friendships. I don't think he's ever learned to cope with anger. Instead of lashing out, he closes himself off...I guess it's his defense mechanism.

 

I want to make sure I'm clear, my husband is not verbally abusive. He has said things during arguments that have hurt my feelings but he does not belittle me, control me, or manipulate me with his words. In the past, when we've had arguments he was careful what he said, as he knew I was sensitive. Now, it seems he wants me to hurt me the way he has for things I wasn't aware I was /was not doing.

[elaine567]

I don't know if I want to remain married to him. He has said a lot of hurtful things to me. He barely speaks to me unless I speak to him. Everytime we manage to have a civil moment he brings up something from our past. He's a resentful person. I have tried to be the wife he wants but he doesn't trust anything I do or say. I understand he's angry but how long do I allow him to shut me out and be cold to me? When is enough enough?

 

Enough is now, I am seeing a lot of red flags here on this thread. Run, is my advice.

[Fugu]

Jackslife, part of me believes it's over. I'm not sure if i should initiate the divorce or wait till he does. One of his issues with me has been my lack of effort in the relationship. If I start divorce proceedings wouldn't I essentially be proving once again that I'm not making an effort in our marriage?

 

Donnivain, I have apologized for what was said. However, I can't take it back and he's not a person that forgives. He's a person who when he is wronged after, giving someone all of him, he's holds a grudge.

 

I do continue with individual therapy. I can't say enough how it has helped me. There are patterns in my behavior. All those patterns stem from fear of rejection and lack of trust. I know whether my marriage survives or not, at least I recognize those fears and with continued therapy can work through them.

 

The problem is that you two aren't really communicating with each other. You're not understanding each other. Not all of this is your fault, if what you're saying is true. You always need to have room for forgiveness and accept that maybe misunderstandings occur, particularly when pressure situations arise.

 

But back to the point. I think that you both need to acknowledge the situations you're dealing with, and work on ways to support each other, with words and deeds. It's not over. But you'll need to accept that you'll have to communicate - a lot. This won't be resolved in one night. You'll both probably go to bed angry at times. But focus on the big picture. Make progress.