Update on my sexless marriage

[Rainydayz4ever]

I can not reply to the original thread because it's been more then 60 days. But I will pink it here. Please be advised that some of my description in the initial post is graphic and may seem to some as derogatory however the words I choose to describe some sexual encounters were said in haste however paint an accurate picture of the encounter. Please do not read my initial post if you are easily offended.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/489691-so-i-may-have-married-asexual-woman

 

 

Now here's my update:

So just an update on the matters at hand, it's been quite some time.

 

No porn- I made a month or so with absolutely no porn and during that time I invested all my energies into giving her love by spending time together, listening/talking, taking care of her, and doing acts of love like buying her flowers every week, also performing all household chores as she was sick with the pregnancy. I learned a lot during this time, and the lessons learned hold true till today.

 

1. Being heterosexual enjoying all there is to have of the opposite sexes bodies during sexual practices defines my sexuality.

2. If I depend on my wife for sex, and only allow my self to look at or view naked (as in during sex/ or in general) I will never see a pair of breasts or vagina again.

3. It is illogical at this point in my life to give up porn and self gratification because with out that then I will not have any sexuality at all.

 

 

 

Basically since my last update things have gone on business as usual. We had about 2 pleasurable sexual encounters which I posted about back in the begining of this thread. Other than that I am only accessing pity ****s in which I am the only active participant, occurring around a 10-14 day cycle when I can't hold out any longer, and due to her non-participation or even welcoming body language I've come to feel it's more like an allowed rape as she does not show any sings of pleasure, nor is she even willing to fake. Although she may even be the one to initially initiate these encounters likely out of pity they all end the same way which is why I'm on the fence about the rape thing. It's like she is allowing it but only at the lowest level, possibly just to say she tried.

 

I've been working out daily, and am noticing great results in physical and mental well being. There's noticeably increase in muscle mass and I'm able to do more and more each week. Even though she knows I'm putting effort into this she has not once offered a compliment or even acknowledgement of my progress. However I will continue to progress my efforts if anything to be more at tractable to other women as my wife seems to care less about my appearance or existence at this point.

 

I have continued to change my ways in terms of approach, attitude and treatment towards her in general. I've become more accepting of her wholes tic approach to healthcare, agreed to pay for and participate in a home birth for instance which I may not have been so inclined to in the past. I continue to monitor our dialect to find areas of improvement, times where I may unnoticeably talk down to her, or have a dismissive attitude towards her thoughts and feelings. However her continues to remind me every time I'm not living up to her expectations in terms of support on decisions that I don't agree with (which occurs weekly) or respect through actions or conversation.

 

My relationship has grown with my daughter though as I've been home more often and I truly feel she is taking a liking to me. The love feels incredible.

 

Recently we were going over finances. It was determined that our bills and expenses add up to $4100.00. We both work part time in health care and make 4300 after taxes combined. We own nothing but a car that has seen better days, in 6 months we will begin to pay off 40,000 in student loans. We don't have paid time off, sick time, life insurance, any retirement plan and I'm turning 30 this year. We live In an apartment in a bad neighborhood and can't really afford anything better. She insists taking 3 months off from work despite having no paid leave in march when our daughter is born. Leaving me to handle everything. If I work full time at my job I can me 3200 a month after taxes and health insurance (currently we pay out of pocket so our expenses will go down) even with the decrease in expenses we will still be at a 200 or so deficit and that's with me working 40 hr in the week. She told me after discussing this that she plans to start working part time again after the three months however refuses to work any more than 24hrs a week, until the kids are older. We both have flexible jobs and one of us is always home with the kids. I do all the house work, she chips in possibly 20-25%. I want and try to offer equal child caring responsibilities. I want to have a good relationship with my children. She told me she's not going to have a situation where one of is is always gone, so one of us has to stay home more and she feels entitled to be the one. She tell me it's my responsibility to provide and feels my time spent with the children is less important, and does not even realize how poor of a plan and outcomes these decisions will have. She seems to careless about anything but herself and her relationship with our children.

 

As you can see my problems are dynamic. I'm still not and have not even seen an attempt to meet my basic sexual needs. Now I'm seeing that to her my time is more valuable spent away from the family, despite me expressing my need to develope a close bond with my children. I am pushing for equality in the house hold with equal shared responsibility in all aspects. My requests an needs seem denied to me. She told me when she was fired up at the end of the conversation that even if we were rich I would still make her work. I can honestly feel the resentment growing in her every minute she spends at work or anytime she feels overwhelmed with life. She hates me because I don't make enough to allow for her to stay home (she knew these things before we got married), and she is denying me sex and gratification due to her resentment. She does not respect me I feel, but demands respect from me. Any ideas?

[juicygirl]

Any ideas? Divorce

 

Pick have a question, how is the sex life when she's not pregnant? I have no sex drive when I'm pregnant and shortly after pregnancy but it does come back after awhile.

 

I think you're right about her resenting you because she's not able to stay home with the children. It's not your fault, it seems to be a common problem these days if you're not rich. If she's pissed off leave her with a newborn and a bunch of other kids to support on welfare maybe then she'll stupid up. At the moment she's pregnant so her brain is just on baby baby baby. You working out isn't of interest to her, she may actually be worried that you're gearing up yo cheat, leave her or both.

[icDude]

Hey rainydayz,

 

You're situation sounds a lot like mine. My wife is never interested in sex. we have sex once a week, but its getting to be more like once every other week. And when we do, its 'cause she is just giving in, mostly. She says she's done having babies too, which is fine for me.

 

I don't have any good advice, since I'm looking for it myself. But, divorce is the go to answer for marriage problems, and I would seriously consider looking for other options first.

[violet1]

No Sh*t Sherlock!

 

 

 

 

uh...why ARE you having a new kid? Is it too late to terminate it (religion allowing)? Why would you want a new kid with a woman who will no longer have sex with you? the marriage is essentially done with. Do you want your existing kids to learn how to let a woman disrespect their husband as you are obviously being disrespected? Divorce her, now.

From reading his post, it's too late to terminate the pregnancy. Criticizing the guy about having more kids is not going to help or change anything. The baby is on it's way.

 

OP, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I believe divorce should be an absolute last resort. I think that's the problem with marriage today. With the exception of infidelity, the couples should try every option available before throwing in the towel.

 

I haven't read your last thread so I'm not sure this has been discussed, but have you considered marriage counseling? If you do some research, you can find a decent therapist for a reasonable price or free. It sounds like to me that both of you are developing resentment towards each other. One thing my marriage counselor has said to my h and I that really stuck is that resentment is poison. It will destroy a marriage in a heart beat. This could be a reason she doesn't want to have sex with you. When I was feeling strong resentment towards my h, the last thing I wanted was sex from him.

 

I hope your wife will consider counselling because I hate to think of two young children having to grow up in a broken home if it can be avoided.

[juicygirl]

I thing divorce should be the last option too. The problem is the sex or lack of it is not the only issue. The way your wife treats you is a problem, she doesn't seem to have respect for you as her husband and the father of her children. If she is not willing to work on the issues with you, it's like talking to a brick wall, you'll be able to hold out a bit longer, but in the end you'll leave. Tell her everything, even if you have to scream it at her. Trying to communicate anything right now will be hard because she's pregnant.

I really do feel for men in this situation.

Out of curiosity how many times a week would you like?

[elaine567]

From your previous thread "I have said some pretty blunt and poorly choices words to her over the years regarding this issue"

 

She will have remembered every word.

 

and

 

"she can't have sex without feeling loved ---- I tell her I can't love without being sexed."

 

No woman in a loving relationship wants to be an object.

Especially a woman who has committed a lot, and who has given you a daughter and is now pregnant again. Her love for her children comes first and all you do is moan about getting the kid out of the bed and not getting enough sex.

She has in her mind taken on a huge responsibility and you wanting sex I suggest is fairly far down in her tick list at the moment.

She can see right through your attempts to get into her good books, and she can see you are often just being nice to her, because you want sex.

She has no respect for you and she will have no respect for you until you stop treating her like one of your porn queens and show some real love and care for her. Once she truly knows you care, she will want to have sex with you.

[smackie9]

From your previous thread "I have said some pretty blunt and poorly choices words to her over the years regarding this issue"

 

She will have remembered every word.

 

and

 

"she can't have sex without feeling loved ---- I tell her I can't love without being sexed."

 

No woman in a loving relationship wants to be an object.

Especially a woman who has committed a lot, and who has given you a daughter and is now pregnant again. Her love for her children comes first and all you do is moan about getting the kid out of the bed and not getting enough sex.

She has in her mind taken on a huge responsibility and you wanting sex I suggest is fairly far down in her tick list at the moment.

She can see right through your attempts to get into her good books, and she can see you are often just being nice to her, because you want sex.

She has no respect for you and she will have no respect for you until you stop treating her like one of your porn queens and show some real love and care for her. Once she truly knows you care, she will want to have sex with you.

 

I have to agree with this. Women need to feel loved and appreciated before they can feel intimacy. Time to change your view about sex and see that she is a human being too, that has feelings, wants and needs as well.

[spanz1]

From reading his post, it's too late to terminate the pregnancy.

 

baby in March means it is 4 months along, 2nd trimester, right? still legal most places, but i am not expert.

[violet1]

From reading his post, it's too late to terminate the pregnancy.

 

baby in March means it is 4 months along, 2nd trimester, right? still legal most places, but i am not expert.

I'm not sure, but I'm personally against abortion. The OP didn't mention anything about whether he and his wife would even consider doing such a thing.

[GildedLily]

From your previous thread "I have said some pretty blunt and poorly choices words to her over the years regarding this issue"

 

She will have remembered every word.

 

and

 

"she can't have sex without feeling loved ---- I tell her I can't love without being sexed."

 

No woman in a loving relationship wants to be an object.

Especially a woman who has committed a lot, and who has given you a daughter and is now pregnant again. Her love for her children comes first and all you do is moan about getting the kid out of the bed and not getting enough sex.

She has in her mind taken on a huge responsibility and you wanting sex I suggest is fairly far down in her tick list at the moment.

She can see right through your attempts to get into her good books, and she can see you are often just being nice to her, because you want sex.

She has no respect for you and she will have no respect for you until you stop treating her like one of your porn queens and show some real love and care for her. Once she truly knows you care, she will want to have sex with you.

 

Absolutely and blatantly not true-any therapist will tell you that love for the husband ALWAYS comes first before the Children in that order. The husband and wife's love relationship is the foundation of the family. No they should not have children in their bed as that is sexualizing a child. Op's wife isn't being rational about their finances either, if what she wants is to stay home majority of the time, they must cut their expenses.

[bathtub-row]

Why people stay in these ridiculous relationships is completely beyond me. This marriage is WAY too much work. Why are you wasting your life on this crap??

[Hope Shimmers]

I do all the house work, she chips in possibly 20-25%.

Sorry, this made me laugh. Is that some of that Husband math?

 

I'm sorry it's so hard. I think you are being reasonable. I agree with the others who said that she needs to accept reality about finances. She has no right to resent you for that in my opinion.

[elaine567]

Absolutely and blatantly not true-any therapist will tell you that love for the husband ALWAYS comes first before the Children in that order. The husband and wife's love relationship is the foundation of the family.

 

I realise that the couple is an important unit and that the pairing continues long after the kids have left home, so it is very important that the relationship is nurtured and maintained.

But IME, most parents would die for their kids, whereas dying for a spouse? Some would have to think about that.