Wife wants an open relationship but I don't

[sbreyer]

Sorry but this will probably be a long post...I am 36 years old and have been married for five months. My wife and I have known each other since we were children. We dated when I was in college, and I have been in love with her since then. We broke up and tried other things. We even lost contact for several years. Chance brought us back together, and we began dating again. It was like a fairytale in some ways. I am currently in law school and I am temporarily living a long distance from my wife (until the summer). My wife has become increasingly lonely and depressed during this time. She has been telling me over the past month or so that she is lonely and beginning to feel very strongly that she needs physical attention. I keep trying to stay strong and persuade her that this is only temporary and only a small part of what will be our lives together.

 

Tonight on the phone she told me that several days ago she met someone at a bar that was flirting with her and that she wanted to bring him home to have sex with him. She also told me that she wants an open relationship, and that she doesn't think she can be happy in a monogamous marriage. I asked her if anything happened and she repeatedly said no. My initial reaction was overwhelming sadness and pain. I have a history of being cheated on or left for other men. It is very important to me that my marriage is one of commitment. I understand that people have sexual thoughts/fantasies about others all of the time. But I feel sad, unwanted, alone, and unloved because she actually wants to have physical relationships with other men, beyond thoughts. I think about women, but there is a huge gap between thinking about it and actually wanting to do something about it.

 

I have not had strong sexual feelings for another woman since I have been with her. She does not believe this, and tells me that I am being old-fashioned, chauvinistic, controlling, territorial, etc. I was very upset, but I did not get angry or raise my voice. I know I am responsible for some of her feelings of loneliness. Sometimes I can be withdrawn and quiet, and it has been a problem in the past. I let her know that an open relationship is not something that I can handle. It would make me feel like the smallest, most alone person in the world. I told her that she had to make a decision, that either we could be monogamous or she will have to divorce me. She said that she needs some time to think this over. I don't know if I did the right thing. I would never leave her on my own, and I was so happy because I thought that I was reunited with my soulmate. I want to have children with her and I love her family. Right now I am heartbroken and feel like I am sick. I can't stop shaking, and I have no one to talk to. I am very far away from everyone I know, and besides, Iwould not want my friends/family to unfairly think bad things about her based on her feelings. What should I have done?

Edited October 29, 2014 by sbreyer

[Emerald_11]

I know how she feels my husband works out of town a lot and if you read my other posts you will see what is going on in my world. I think you did the right thing by telling her what you want out of the relationship. It is a little worry some that she could not answer you right away and needs to think about it...

I have been suffering from crushes on random people I barely know and know it is completely wrong but I would never act on it. You are right there is a big difference between thinking about something and actually doing it. Especially when it could hurt someone you love.

I am so sorry! You are not being old fashioned when you care about someone you don't just go around picking up guys at bars.

I think it is great you are going to school to make a better life. She should be excited about that too. I hope she can be strong enough to wait for you!! If she chooses otherwise it will be her loss and I know you can find love again.

[Million.to.1]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. LDR's can be a real struggle for some.

I don't really have any advice but can imagine how devastating this would be for you. Seems like a difficult situation for you both.

I'm sure you'll find great support and advice from more experienced posters.

[Arieswoman]

sbreyer,

What is stopping your wife coming to live with you where you are now?

 

AW

[TigerLilly78]

Hence the joys of all the sexual freedom we have now a days when sex means so little that it just doesn't matter who you do it with long as you get your quick fix..

 

Op im sorry this happening to you I dunno to me haveing a genuine loving partner and stable relashionship is worth more then a quick lay people simpley dont have any self control anymore its sad..

[Elias33]

I don't think that the choice should be up to her. Even if she decides to stay, doesn't she already have these feelings? Can you stay with her, knowing she wants sex with other people? The cat is already out of the bag. You'd do best to make the choice yours, even if that means divorce. Another thing is to consider, if she has these ideas about marriage and sexual freedom, what is to keep her from doing it anyways? You are in a rough spot, sorry. I think you should consider walking the other way, or at least prepare yourself. I don't think this can go in any other direction. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Miss Clavel]

i'm surprised you two knew each other for so long before you got married and you had no idea how she felt about monogamy??

 

or is the "open" arrangement only supposed to be when you two are not in the same city?

 

for me, i have some pride and with that comes a "line" i will not let anyone cross. you have decide where your line is.

 

it will kill you if you go into an "open" relationship with her. i know because you are already in pain judging by your poast. imagine how you're going to feel later.

 

use protection, now is not the time to start a baby. protect yourself.

[martaldn]

open relationships are not for everyone.

I have been involved in one of them when i met a guy online that was in an open marriage because his wife was BI and she wanted experiment other things. ( not threesome or at least not with me )

they had very strong rules set like: inform each other about the other person ( me in this case ), when we were eventually becoming sexual involved with each other and other stuff that made the whole thing ( for me and for them ) very difficult to handle.

the funny thing of my story was that she asked the open marriage and at the beginning he wasnt very happy about it but then he met me and he was the one who really wanted to carry on the thing!

she ended up not to find anyone and got so jealous of me and him together that pushed him to "break up" with me.

I realized that this kind of stuff can be very easy on the paper but they request a lot of maturity respect and LOTS of agreements on both side.

plus once the feelings get involved everything become a mess.

 

I think in your case, as you are completely against this idea, this is not even an option.

[Friskyone4u]

Only married five months and she wants sex with other men. The last thing in the world you should be wanting right now is to have children with this woman. And by the way, it is not at all uncommon for a woman to want an open marriage after she has already cheated so as to make what she is up to OK. It makes them feel like they really did not cheat. Men who cheat rarely even think about open marriage. They just do it which is no better.

I am sorry to say the odds are not in your favor that she has not already had sex with someone else or that she will wait until the summer for you for you to get done with school, especially if she is going out clubbing with her friends,some of whom may be either cheaters themselves or encouraging her. And a married woman regularly going out with her friends to bars without you is just asking for trouble with you nowhere around.

So it is your time to decide what you will tolerate and what you will not. Since she has told you she wants an open marriage, until you provide her with the consequences of that decision you are now officially in an open marriage. And my guess is since you have objected, she will not just cheat on you.

You need to see an attorney pronto, and file for divorce. It does not happen immediately but it will make it clear to her it ain't happening and that you are not sharing your wife with other men. You can stop the process anytime you want to.

If you choose to beg her and try to nice her away from this you are in for a lot of pain. And for heavens sake do not get her pregnant.!!!! And get tested for STD

And lastly, you should tell her when you get home there will be a polygraph scheduled because right now you cannot and should not believe anything she tells you.

At five months out with no kids you need to detach from her and move on with your life. Or else buckle your chin strap because you are going to take some severe blows to your head

[HereNorThere]

RUN!!!!!!!

 

 

Seriously, your wife of months just asked you to sleep with other people. The truth is that she probably already has. She's "backdating" the papers so that when she gets caught, she'll say she had permission.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you have no choice but to leave. She's capable of having relationships while married, which is a deal breaker for most people. If you can handle her having other relationships and possibly bonding with and leaving you for another person, stay around. Otherwise, talk to an attorney ASAP.

 

Trust me, there is no happy ending for you here.

[Ronni_W]

I let her know that an open relationship is not something that I can handle. It would make me feel like the smallest, most alone person in the world. I told her that she had to make a decision, that either we could be monogamous or she will have to divorce me. She said that she needs some time to think this over. I don't know if I did the right thing.

You stood up and spoke out for one of your most cherished values. IMO, yes, that is most definitely the "right thing" for you to have done.

 

Have you two been engaging with each other sexually, even given the distance? There are a lot of fun ways...not just live voice or video. There's not so much info available in the world of vanilla sex but...if you Google something like, "long distance dom ideas" (or 'sub' instead of 'dom'), then you'll get some, er, ideas for what's possible in terms of activities that can keep you both sexually connected even without physical presence.

 

I would suggest keep the lines of communication open; exchange links with your wife. And keep all good thoughts that there are mutually acceptable solutions that don't include divorce, infidelity or you having to give up on what you stand for and believe in.

 

Best of luck.

[Woggle]

Open up the relationship so much that you can get out of it.

[Georgia2014]

OP

 

I'm sorry your going through this. I think you did the right thing in making her decide which she wants to be with you or divorce you so she can see other men. I think it's awful of her to even want that. It's sad she can't handle being alone for a few months. She sounds very needy.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce her. This woman has told you that she can't be faithful or won't be faithful, which means she's not ready for a committed marriage, then alone be a mother and have a family unit as one. You really have no choice here but to let her go. No way should you allow her to have other men on the side and have an open marriage. That's not why you got married!

 

This sucks and I can see how much you're hurting. If you stay, you'll be hurt much more - Feeling jealously and possibly be exposed to STD's. Could you actually make love to your wife knowing the night before she was with another man? My guess is no.

[Clay]

Five months into the marriage and she is already telling you this. This is not a red flag. This is a sign telling you to get out while you can. I am really sorry you are going through this.

 

I can't imagine the pain you are feeling.

 

Clay

[d0nnivain]

Get an annulment. Less than 120 days ago she stood up & vowed to forsake all others. Remind her of that. Because she seemingly went into your marriage lying to you, get out & get is so it legally never happened.

[oldshirt]

Take her words extremely seriously. She has told you who and what she is. Some people simply can't be monogamous and some people cannot be on their own for more than a few days before they start graving in other pastures. Your wife sounds like she is both.

 

You may be able to put out this immediate fire but it is just a matter of time before she is back in the bar scoping out dudes again and she is always going to have an endless supply of guys will to step in and bang her while you are out of the house.

 

You have few options here. You can either-

 

- go all Islamic on her and dress her in berkas from head to toe and keep her locked up in the house and wearing a chastity belt.

 

- look into the world of open marriage and swinging and cuckholding and see if you can find some elements that you can live with and come up with some strong boundaries and be prepared to drop the ax when she oversteps them.

 

- accept that you have incomparable values, mores and ethics and have an amicable divorce now before the fireworks come.

 

She simply isn't faithful wife and mother material. She can't be made to be monogamous if it's not in her nature and she is telling you to your face that she is not. A happy, faithful marriage with her is an option. Both of you will be miserable and frustrated and at wits end if you try to turn her into a creature that she simply isn't.

[cif]

Are you sure she's not just horny? That age is women's peak and not having physical contact is tough. But I do question how much she loves you. For myself, another man could never turn me on since I'm in love with my husband.

 

All I can say is don't cave. There's no turning back once your wife sleeps with another man. You'll begin to resent her and hate yourself.

[Keenly]

Your wife is going to cheat on you if she hasn't already. Sorry buddy, not trying to give you a panic attack.

[TigerLilly78]

Are you sure she's not just horny? That age is women's peak and not having physical contact is tough. But I do question how much she loves you. For myself, another man could never turn me on since I'm in love with my husband.

 

All I can say is don't cave. There's no turning back once your wife sleeps with another man. You'll begin to resent her and hate yourself.

 

Yea dogs "just get horny" too doesn't mean its acctable for them to run around humping everyone's leg...lmao I never understood the joys of an open marriage to me it just goes agenst everything marriage stands for its almost like saying well im not 100% happy with you but ill take the stability and creature comforts you can give me and still have my pick of the litter sexually its a cake eater situation to me and one only people with low self easteam would even consider getting into..

Edited October 30, 2014 by TigerLilly78

[GoBlue]

I am sorry sbreyer for the pain because I would feel the exact same way. I don't quite understand why there is this huge separation between the two of you unless you are in the military, but the truth of the matter is that there are always times when one partner or both feels "lonely" in a marriage. Marriage is a commitment to monogamy or what would be the purpose of doing it in the first place?

 

There is an excellent resource I always recommend - a book titled Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis by Dr. James Dobson. It is a very practical book with specific steps to follow to help in a situation like this. As far as whether you did the right thing or not, what other option do you have? You don't want to consent to that kind of relationship so the decision has to be hers. Be married and committed, or be unmarried and free to pursue your lifestyle of choice. This is something that she should have mentioned prior to marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Thegameoflife]

Where I live, lots of people fly in and out for work, usually 3 or more weeks, and maybe one week home between work perionds.

 

An old newfie had this saying, " If a vagina needs to be fed, a vagina needs to be fed."

 

You got married for a few months and left, for what will be 8 months. You can't lock someone into a fidelity contract and peace out for 8 months. The other side of that contract is a ready supply of dick for her. You violated the contract first, and expect her to uphold it? She was in the right to find a partner without any permission. She asked, where as you just expected her to just accept an unreasonable situation. You have no self righteous position.

[Mr. Lucky]

You got married for a few months and left, for what will be 8 months. You can't lock someone into a fidelity contract and peace out for 8 months. The other side of that contract is a ready supply of dick for her. You violated the contract first, and expect her to uphold it? She was in the right to find a partner without any permission. She asked, where as you just expected her to just accept an unreasonable situation. You have no self righteous position.

What about those men and women deployed as part of military duty ?

 

They're not around to provide "a ready supply of dick", are they similarly SOL in the expectation of commitment and fidelity from their spouses?

 

Your position makes no sense at all...

 

Mr. Lucky

[spanz1]

ugghhh

 

well you need to have MUCH MORE sex with her. Why not visit every other weekend for sex. Have her visit you for sex/love. Maybe she COULD come live with you, or at least an extended stay.

 

She is young and horny. i get that. women typically are. but the good ones find a way to have sex with their mates. I do not think she and you have exhausted all those options yet.

 

A very small few have open marriages. I think the number is something like 5%. and half of those open marriages fail within 5 years of them opening up--for all sorts of unforseen reasons. One thing i DO hear is that the marriage has to be very stable for it to work out.

 

so i would advise to not do it! find a way to makeit work instead

[Thegameoflife]

What about those men and women deployed as part of military duty ?

 

They're not around to provide "a ready supply of dick", are they similarly SOL in the expectation of commitment and fidelity from their spouses?

 

Your position makes no sense at all...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

My position makes perfect sense. When you enter into a monogamy contract, one part is staying faithful, and the second part is to fulfill your partner's needs. When one person fails to meet their partner's reasonable sexual needs, they are in violation of the agreement.

 

In the op's case, he's a long-term rewards kind of guy who married a short-term rewards person. While he sees the rewards of his future career, she is upset that he doesn't understand her short-term rewards she needs, to be happy day to day.

 

Every couple needs to discuss what is reasonable time without sex, and reasonable grounds. This will vary from couple to couple.

 

You could also apply this to spouses that withold sex. To withold sex, the onus is on the witholder to justify the grounds. If the grounds aren't reasonable, the witholder violates the verbal contract. Upon violation, the person who's needs aren't being met can put fourth a new agreement that will solve the problem. If a compromise can't be met, monogamy is no longer valid, and the other partner is free to seek outside relations.

 

From my perspective, she communicated that she needed her needs met, and he responded to this by telling her to deal with it or leave. That's emotionally abusive. He justified it in his mind that it's a reasonable sacrifice to make for the means. He disregarded her concerns, because he doesn't understand how she isn't on the same page. He pretty much told her that his needs are second to his wants, which is why she's questioning the marriage. She should leave.