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Can't handle boyfriend's reactions sometimes


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Hi,

 

the relationship with my live-in boyfriend of over 2 years is most of the time really great, we're even planning to buy a house together next year, but there's a side of him which I really cannot handle, therefore I need your advice.

 

Last time he showed this side of him to me was today. We were buying some stuff for the apt and took a short break outside of the store to grab a bite to eat. We ordered a big piece of pizza and two small chicken rolls and started eating, when he spotted a good friend at one of the tables and told me he'd be right back. I just kept eating because I was really hungry. When he got back I didn't leave him much of the piece of pizza, but I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, we could just get another one if he was still hungry. He looked at me like if I did something really bad and said 'You seriously didn't leave me anything?' I told him yes, I left him a bit but I was so hungry. He totally changed his whole attitude, like getting obviously really pissed about it. I didn't wanna start a fight about a stupid thing like this, so I just said 'I'm gonna buy you another piece of pizza', got up without waiting for his answer and got in line for the pizza. After being in line for 5 minutes he whatsapped me from the table, saying that now he really doesn't want more pizza. I then got out of line again and got back to the table. He was obviously still pissed and barely talked to me, just being on his phone. I then stopped trying to make conversation and we went home without talking a single word. For the next three hours he didn't talk to me at all, didn't even look at me and didn't want to be in the same room. He even went to the living room to take a nap (I was in the bed room), a thing he never does (when he takes a nap he always goes to bed). Then I saw that he started to get ready to go out, so I asked him if he was going somewhere. He said yes, he'll have dinner with his family. Usually he always asks me if I wanna come with him. Not this time. I then asked him what the hell happened, what on earth I did to be treated like that, why he doesn't talk to me at all or doesn't even want to be in the same room. He then said in a really pissed voice that he didn't like at all when I ate almost all the pizza and then just left to buy a new piece without even asking him. And that he didn't like the tone I was talking in. I asked him if that nonsense seriously is a reason to treat me all day like this, like if I did something terrible. He just kept being pissed and said that apparently I always think I'm right and I always do everything perfectly. I was like'What, who's generalising now? Why are we talking about other times? We're talking about today' and then he just kind of let me alone in the room and went to the computer and then alone to dinner. We haven't talked ever since.

 

This is not the first time a thing like this happens. Sometimes he gets pissed about things where you wouldn't even believe someone would get pissed about. Once he farted and I told him he should open the window because it really smells, he got pissed about it and says he hates my tone. Didn't talk to me the rest of the day, not even when I tried to explain him that this is a misunderstanding.

 

I really dunno what to do about this, I just don't know how to handle those situations. If I just let him be pissed without saying anything and hope he will calm down eventually, he will just not talk to me for hours or even a day or two, until I say something. If I try to talk he usually just gets more pissed. Usually I don't apologise because I don't think I did anything wrong in those situations, but I try to explain him that we misunderstood each other or that I also didn't like his reactions. Nothing seems to work. He's 30 by the way, so not a kid anymore.

 

What do you guys think? What would you do in my shoes? Thanks.

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He may not officially be a kid anymore, but he sure is acting like one.

 

How often does it happen? Does he ever apologize and acknowledge that it was petty of him to do that, and does he seem to be interested in trying to change?

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the relationship with my live-in boyfriend of over 2 years is most of the time really great.

 

But in June, a thread you posted about your 4th break-up with him -- you made this statement:

 

"We had been together for two years almost and our relationship was always a roller coaster."

 

Granted I would have been irritated if my boyfriend scoffed all the pizza but I would not take it to such an extreme. Reading your past threads, I have to wonder if everything is as great as you say it is. The silent treatment and passive aggressive behavior is a huge red flag.

Edited by Zahara
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The short answer? Get away from this guy.

 

While I agree that what you did was inconsiderate, it did not merit such a response. This man is on the verge of being abusive and be glad that you're seeing the signs now instead of later. I was once married to a guy like this and their behavior over time will completely keep you on edge. Once we went into a restaurant that was, quite literally, empty. We had the pick of tables. I asked him where he wanted to sit because that kind of thing was always a big deal to him. He didn't want to pick and after much discussion over something that incredibly ridiculous, I picked. Then he didn't like what I picked and got extremely angry. I eventually walked out of the restaurant to the one next door and called a cab. He couldn't figure out where I had gone. Did he ever understand how completely stupid he was? Nope. Hence, the divorce (among many, many other reasons).

 

These people will make your life a living hell. He will not improve, he will actually get worse.

 

This is the path you're headed down with this guy...

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I doubt I could keep a striaght face if I encountered a 30yo having a tanty over a slice of pizza. I'd be laughing hard out over that. What a baby. You should've rushed straight off and bought him a pacifer. Maybe that's why he took off to mommy's place.

Seriously what's he going to be like when something really does go wrong?

God help you if you ever have kids with this manboy!

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I get it, he was annoyed. But he went stop deep into it, he became angry & worked up.he has a hard time controlling his anger and this is bordering on abuse. The dikebt treatment, not talking things through. It will only get worse. He is unable to rationalize his feelings. Therefore blows hot and cold with you. Ita not an attractive trait. Its breeding resentment.

 

My ex was like this, coupled with alcohol issues, as he didn't know how to deal with conflict. It got worse, he would take off, go drinking, get all bitter and angry, abusive....

 

It will get worse. You both need to have a dialogue on how to work through conflict. This is damaging behaviour. Get some help, or you are doomed.

 

I bet it's tiresome and emotionally draining for you, it was for me. If you could learn somehow, how to detach abs separate it from you, it may help. The more you follow him the more angry he will get. You can't do the work of two in this relationship. That's how it turned out for me. he has to grow up & own up.

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This was clearly about something more than the pizza. He's built up resentment about other things. To him, this was just another example of something you "always" do. I suspect that he's very conflict avoidant. Many people are; it's natural to not want to be the bitch or the nag or a 'controlling' boyfriend. Yhe problem is that when we choke things down, they invariably come back up. Resentment doesn't solve itself.

 

I'd say that you need to have a long conversation about your relationship where he feels safe to get all his resentments off of his chest and try to get to a resolution. That may be difficult for you as you don't sound like you are a natural empath.

 

This isn't to say that he was "right" in the way that he reacted. But if you want to salvage this relationship, you're going to have to change up your approaches to conflict. Conflict has to be brought to the table and resolved so it doesn't form into resentment. And thus, both parties have to agree to make it safe for their partner to express frustrations and to feel that they are heard. I'd suggest coupling all of this with groundrules for arguments.

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The short answer? Get away from this guy.

 

While I agree that what you did was inconsiderate, it did not merit such a response. This man is on the verge of being abusive and be glad that you're seeing the signs now instead of later. I was once married to a guy like this and their behavior over time will completely keep you on edge. Once we went into a restaurant that was, quite literally, empty. We had the pick of tables. I asked him where he wanted to sit because that kind of thing was always a big deal to him. He didn't want to pick and after much discussion over something that incredibly ridiculous, I picked. Then he didn't like what I picked and got extremely angry. I eventually walked out of the restaurant to the one next door and called a cab. He couldn't figure out where I had gone. Did he ever understand how completely stupid he was? Nope. Hence, the divorce (among many, many other reasons).

 

These people will make your life a living hell. He will not improve, he will actually get worse.

 

This is the path you're headed down with this guy...

 

OP, listen to this post, especially the bolded part. This guy is showing you a very nasty side of him. Life is too short to live like this.

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changchewsoon

I once had friends who were a couple together and the exact same thing happened, exactly over pizza.

 

I was closer to the guy hence I asked him why would he be so pissed over a slice of pizza? It is not a big deal really as we could always order another pizza if there isn't enough to go with.

 

Then he started explaining, it was never about the pizza. It was the thought that counts. I asked him to elaborate what does it mean.

 

He went on explaining that the reason why he was pissed because if he was in his gf's shoes, he would not eat everything and will leave enough for her had she was the one that needs to leave the table to talk to her friends for a while.

 

He said yes he knows that he could always order another pizza easily, but it is the thought that counts. The thought of knowing that I am suppose to share the pizza with my significant other, hence I would not finish everything but rather leave some for him to come back and eat it.

 

He said he felt his ex-gf just wasn't being sensitive enough like him, and the pizza incident was just a catalyst as there were lots of similar incidents throughout their entire relationship and made him felt that his ex-gf is just not sensitive and caring enough.

 

Personally, I think it all boils down to compatibility between 2 person, as some people might find certain things to be offensive/insensitive but those things could be really minor or nothing at all to another person.

 

So Orangetree, well you spent the most time with your boyfriend so you know best whether is this something that you can live with or try to overcome together if you want to spend the rest of your life with him.

 

Normally couples in a healthy relationship will attempt to communicate and talk it out and work out a resolution, then they move on.

Edited by changchewsoon
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OP is probably the kind of woman who goes to the store with him and he offers to buy her a juice and she says "Nah" and when they leave the store, she wants some of his.

 

That's all I could think about reading this thread. But with pizza. Instead of juice. Just. Pizza.

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U named more than once the fact that he got pissed off by the tone of your voice when you say things to him.. I am with you for the fact hes doing a big deal out of nothing in this case ( for the pizza ) but maybe there is something from your side that really annoys him when you "tell him off" about stuff.

im just guessing here.. :rolleyes:

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I don't understand why you didn't just get up and buy yourself a second slice of pizza instead of just assuming he would be happy with you eating his portion as well? not gonna lie ide be pissed as well if some one did that to my lunch its bad manners and yes to some that is a big deal especially if you do similar things on a reg basis.

 

I think the farting thing was prob in retaliation hence if your not going to respect him why should he respect you the running to his moms thing is prob the only thing ide have a issue with as it could be a sign of immaturity but then again he might just be close to his family that can be a slippery slope..maybe you bouth need to mature a little to make things work better..

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