I'm falling apart! what can I do to fix this?

[Lolla9310]

I am so sorry if this thread is posted in the wrong place, I'm kind of new here, but I'm seeking advise desperately. I have been in a committed relationship for more than 3 years now (my longest relationship ever). At the beginning all was great and progressing smoothly, but lately I do not know what I have to expect from the future of our relationship. I constantly find myself wondering and questioning certain aspects of our relationship. I love him so much, and the only thing that runs through my mind is having aa future with my bf, getting engaged, married and then starting a family. My concerns are lately we have a lot of serious arguments. I take responsibility for my actions and if/when I did something wrong, I apologise.. what makes me so unhappy is that when everytime we argue he will blame everything on me, I'm the faulty one, he's the perfect and innocent, even when proved wrong he will get really mad at me, (I always agree to disagree, always respect his opinion and give him a chance to deliver opinions) constantly interrupting me as if my opinion doesn't matter to him at all, as if he doesn't care about my feelings or how I feel about certain things, and I did talked about this in the past about how unhappy it makes me if he acts the way he does when we fight. We had a serious argument earlier today and again everything exactly like the previous arguments. He will knowingly and unknowingly make me feel bad about myself, even when I express feelings such as when I'm unhappy or when we argue I get really emotional and start crying, he would scold me for it and make me feel bad about being emotional. He will constantly then tell me I'm the one always searching for a reason to pick a fight when I know by my life it's not true, he would say that I enjoy fighting. I hate it, really I hate fighting and avoid it as much as I possibly can, but recently everything I do or say (doesn't matter what it is) is always wrong. My other concerns is he is committed and will never cheat on me, but he never ever ever talks about taking our relationship to the next step such as getting engaged, and everytime I talk about a future with him he tries to divert from the subject. We have been living together now more than two years, he looks after me real well, and I really love him. The arguments only started to get this bad about 4 months ago. I don't know at what stage our relationship is currently. I'm good to him, I gave up my career, my equestrian ism, and even my social life for him.. I clean the house at least 3 times a weak, I make dinner every night, breakfast every morning and he gets lunch to work. He enjoys my homemade food more than fast food. I even take out his pj's for him when he's taking a shower, and take out his clothes when he is getting ready for work. he always enjoys and appreciates it, but it's like he just started to forget about all that. I even had a conversation with him about 3 months ago how I felt about taking our relationship to the next level and I told him I can't wait forever and I also gave him my reasons why. He just doesn't care, doesn't talk or I don't think he even sees a future with me. The arguments and fights are really bad lately and I really don't know what to do or to think. I'm in a constant state of depression, I have no appetite and lost 30Ib recently. I'm anxious especially when he comes home from work, I have a sharp shooting pain in my chest and sometimes my wrists, stomach pain, headache and nausea and vomiting. I'm also experiencing flu like symptoms and when I start thinking about all this I can't get myself to stop crying, also feel tired and fatigued especially when I wake up in the morning. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met really, he cares a lot about others and loves affection and attention and giving those and love in return, he makes me laugh and would've always done everything for me and I would do the same for him, even more. But I don't know what to think of the current situation, why he's acting different towards me. I also didn't constantly bring up the marriage thing, only when I knew he wouldn't be uncomfortable with it. All his siblings already are married and have children, he's 32 and his oldest sister is 37 and his youngest brother is 30, so there's no huge age difference between them. I'm afraid of wasting my time while I'm also afraid of loosing him. What do I think of all this? I don't know what to do or to expect. I have never had someone like him and no one ever made me feel the way he makes me feel, and I really am trying to be the best I possibly can, all I want is for him to be happy and he always was, and then everything suddenly changes. I also suffer from insomnia and I have nightmares (dreaming about him leaving me, or me loosing him in a way) to which I wake up crying. And I hardly can lift my head from my pillow in the morning. I'm so tired of feeling so useless, worthless and like a disappointment when all I wanted was to make him happy and feel wanted, needed and loved. I gave my everything to him. And he has no stress financially or at the workplace, that I know, but I don't know why he's acting strange. I just need advice on how to handle this! I'm literally falling apart and he, the person I thought used to care way to much about me, doesn't seem to care at all at this stage.

Edited October 27, 2014 by Lolla9310

[Poppygoodwill]

 

First you wrote: I'm in a constant state of depression, I have no appetite and lost 30Ib recently. I'm anxious especially when he comes home from work, I have a sharp shooting pain in my chest and sometimes my wrists, stomach pain, headache and nausea and vomiting. I'm also experiencing flu like symptoms and when I start thinking about all this I can't get myself to stop crying, also feel tired and fatigued especially when I wake up in the morning.

 

 

then you wrote: I also suffer from insomnia and I have nightmares (dreaming about him leaving me, or me loosing him in a way) to which I wake up crying. And I hardly can lift my head from my pillow in the morning. I'm so tired of feeling so useless, worthless and like a disappointment when all I wanted was to make him happy and feel wanted......

 

And somewhere in there you wrote: "I have never had someone make me feel the way he does", as if he's such a good thing in your life.

 

I don't know why this is happening to you, but I can tell you something with certainty: you are suffering from severe anxiety. I have suffered from it and it warps your perceptions. The source of the anxiety is one thing (maybe he really is withdrawing and doing these things) but the anxiety once it comes also makes you feel scared and hyper reactive and fearful and it makes EVERYTHING seem ten times worse than it is.

 

So, quite apart from figuring out what is going on with him, I would suggest you need to get yourself stable and feeling okay again. There are lots of tricks to coping with anxiety - breathing, exercise, mantras, etc - but if things are really bad then you might want to visit your doctor and get a short course of anti anxiety medication. They will help you feel a bit normal and clear your head so you can think about teh problem at hand.

 

I had several months of severe anxiety that was related to aboyfriend. I got all confused by the anxiety and warped perceptions it causes, about what the problem was, but you know, in the end it was this: I didn't much like him and I didn't trust him or feel good about him, but I was trying to convince myself otherwise. Forcing myself to say with him, close to someone I didn't trust or feel good about, caused the anxiety.

 

When I left him, the anxiety ended and hasn't ever returned like that.

 

Food for thought.

[bathtub-row]

You are in a classically abusive relationship. They all start out like this - the guy is nice, charming, loving, all that. Then the tables turn when they have you "hooked". You aren't going to like the advice I give because I can tell by the way you're talking that you don't have a clue as to the kind of person he really is and you think this is somehow fixable. Plus, you're dead set against leaving because your whole world centers around him. I'm pretty sure that you won't listen and you'll continue to waste your time on this jerk, but I'll say it anyway: this is not fixable. He is very, very broken and this pattern between the two of you will continue as long as you stay with him.

 

The truth is, everything he says to you is a smoke-and-mirrors type thing -- he says the exact opposite of what is true because it keeps you off-balance emotionally. First and foremost, he's the one who's emotional. I call these guys "drama kings". This man has you walking on eggshells all the time because you don't know when, where or why he's going to blow his stack again.

 

I know you think you love this person but 5 or 10 yrs down the road, you will despise him so much that you'll be thinking about how much you wish he'd get hit by a bus. I'm not kidding.

 

The first mistake you made was moving in with him when your real goal is to be married. Do not ever do that with a guy. The second mistake was giving up your career, friends, and whatever else, for him. I can tell you're very young and naive because you think that your value to a man is based on how much you're willing to give up and how much you're willing to do. The sad thing is, this is not how it works. You need to be your own person and a man should never, ever think that you exist only for him. This is a true recipe for disaster. In the case of being with an abusive man, such as your bf, it's exactly the scenario he wants in order to completely victimize you.

 

Please understand that by not walking away from a man who treats you badly, you're putting yourself in a position to constantly be afraid of being left, and now you're having symptoms of panic attacks. You're putting yourself in a position where you're letting someone else decide what happens in your life.

 

And in case you're wondering what he'll do if you leave him, I can give it a good guess -- he'll beg, plead and borrow and probably ask you to marry him. He will do anything in his power to keep you as his victim. You'll be impressed by this because you think it means something. It doesn't. All abusers act this way. They love to play headgames and it even makes them feel powerful. This is not about whether you are a good enough gf, whether you cook enough, iron his clothes right, or kiss his ass 10 times a day. This has to do with who he is. This has to do with his mind-set, that he loves to put you down because it makes him feel powerful. You can't understand this kind of thinking because it's so far away from the way you think. But if you continue to underestimate him, then you're burying yourself. Abusers do not change because the power they feel is like a drug. So, it's like asking a heroine user to stop. They just won't.

 

Because of the way you're entrapped in this relationship, it's going to take a lot for you to remove yourself from it. First, I'd recommend that you read books about abusive relationships so that you'll see the patterns and realize that's exactly the type of relationship you're in. After awhile, it almost becomes funny because they all seem to work from the same script. They all do the same things. And, btw, do not let him know you're reading these books because it will completely inflame him. Abusers do not like to be found out. Secondly, you need to get your life back and stop being dependent on his idiot. Make a plan to exit this relationship.

 

Just be aware that once you start making an exit plan, he will realize that something has changed and he'll amp up the romance or the future of the relationship - like asking you to marry him. Again, please don't be fooled by this. Abusers deserve an Oscar for their convincing performances. And don't think that hours and hours of heartfelt talking will change anything either. You simply do not want this jerk in your life, you do not want your children exposed to this type of life. What you're seeing right now is very close to what your marriage would be like, except that it will be MUCH worse. If you think it's bad now, have kids with this man then you'll really understand true misery. If you're not taking birth control, then I'd suggest that you start doing that.

 

This man and this relationship are not fixable. Real love does not make you vomit. It does not make you feel frightened or uncared for, and it does not call you names. Honey, as much as you want it to be, this is not love. And not only that, it never will be because this man is very, very messed up. He's so messed up that 20 yrs of therapy wouldn't even phase him. I'm really sorry because I know it hurts but things really could be worse. Please do yourself a favor and get away from this man as fast as you can and don't ever let a man rage at you and make you feel this way. If you have family you can live with for awhile, then I would do that. Please --- read, read, read. Even the abuse section on this site will give you insight. I wish you luck.

Edited October 27, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Meatballsmom]

RUN!

 

 

I was once in your shoes, he will never change, it will only get worse, it will never stop. I like you could not leave him. Do not have children with this man. Twenty wasted years later, the abuse was finally over the top, when he started in with the kids. He was so bad that he even had my son convinced for awhile that he was not his father.

I repeat, he will never change, you cannot nice him back, things will only get worse

[Lolla9310]

Poppygoodwill he was the only one that ever made me feel the way I did, however all that changed in an instant.. that is why I feel the way I do currently, thankyou for your advice. I really am in a flat spin like this part of my head says this and the other part says the opposite.

 

Bathtub-row, your advice was one nasty pill to swallow, but the truth hurts. What you said makes a lot of sense to me. Today was a tad emotional for me, he's acting now like everything is okay and seems like he's expecting me to fake a smile and just act like all is well. I'm so tired and I'm just ignoring him now minding my own business. I called a therapist this morning and made an appointment, I'm also going to take the advice and go out to town sometime and search for some books that will help me get a clearer picture of what is going on. But first I need to deal with the panic, depression and anxiety in order to get my head clear so I can actually think all this through without getting emotional or depressed. I really can't believe this, I did considered several times before just to end it all, but I just never had the ability to actually do it. I need to get a grip of myself.

[Lolla9310]

It really has gotten worse already, at the beginning I thought okay, well maybe it's a phase our relationship is going through, a lot of other relationships experience these things.. but then it just got worse and I thought well this can't be right? How can this be normal, none of this is healthy for any commited relationship, especially if all this is happening constantly for a long period of time.

[bathtub-row]

It really has gotten worse already, at the beginning I thought okay, well maybe it's a phase our relationship is going through, a lot of other relationships experience these things.. but then it just got worse and I thought well this can't be right? How can this be normal, none of this is healthy for any commited relationship, especially if all this is happening constantly for a long period of time.

 

I totally understand. I was in a very similar situation. I'm really sorry because I know how much it hurts. But if it makes you feel any better, I am so happy to be away from all that and my life is so much better. You don't realize how much it's really effecting you until you leave. Abuse does really strange things to us.

[HereNorThere]

It sounds to me like you're addicted to the drama. You want to constantly talk about the relationship, where it's going, what's wrong with it, etc. but I saw nothing concrete in your post about what he's actually doing to provoke it.

 

As soon as I read your post, my first thought was "She won't stop until she's completely destroyed this relationship." And I really doubt you will. You've already said he's a good guy, so why do you have to keep pushing him and creating more and more drama. Why can't you just be content with being. Would there really be any problems if you weren't creating them? Would he resent you if you weren't giving him a reason to?

 

Ahh, the elusive "happiness." I'm going to let you in a something that took me a long time to figure out. Happiness isn't this thing you achieve. It's more like fleeting moments of joy you experience in a world full of pain. Trying to achieve some blissful, permanently happy mindset is foolish. That's just not how it works. As soon as I hear someone start in about how they aren't happy, I usually know that they're really looking for a reason to stir up some drama. Sure, some happiness is based on environment, but it sounds like your environment would be fine if you weren't so set on destroying it.

 

Don't worry, it'll all be over soon enough. You don't feel like this good enough for you, but nothing ever will be. Right now you just need to keep focusing on ways to blame him to relieve yourself of guilt. Let him be free to be a good partner to someone who will appreciate his easy going nature.

[anika99]

I'm good to him, I gave up my career, my equestrian ism, and even my social life for him..

 

 

Oh my goodness...why would you give up your whole life for a man? That was a big mistake. It is always a big mistake to give up your own identity and live your life for someone else. Not only because it destroys your sense of self and self worth but because you become quite boring and unattractive to the person you are clinging to and living through.

 

 

Even if your boyfriend initially agreed to having you live solely for the purpose of meeting his every need and even if he thought that's what he wanted and would make him happy, I suspect he is finding out that this is actually not making him happy. I wouldn't be surprised if he is actually feeling quite suffocated by you. He may be dragging his feet about making a permanent commitment to you because he is having a hard time seeing himself spending his life with someone who has no identity of their own.

 

 

You don't mention anything about having a job or working. If you are not working then make that one of your first priorities. Get a job. The bf you describe doesn't sound like much of a catch to me but it's hard to say because you have put him in a position of having to be your everything and he may be reacting to that unhealthy dynamic...or he might just be an ass. Can't be sure as long as you are living in this terribly unhealthy unbalanced relationship with him. I think you need to get a job and move out. Learn to be responsible for your own happiness and to meet some of your own needs and then you can start worrying about who you will spend your life with. Don't ever give up your own identity for someone else because that is always a recipe for disaster.

[ComingInHot]

I am so sorry if this thread is posted in the wrong place, I'm kind of new here, but I'm seeking advise desperately. I have been in a committed relationship for more than 3 years now (my longest relationship ever). At the beginning all was great and progressing smoothly, but lately I do not know what I have to expect from the future of our relationship. I constantly find myself wondering and questioning certain aspects of our relationship. I love him so much, and the only thing that runs through my mind is having aa future with my bf, getting engaged, married and then starting a family. My concerns are lately we have a lot of serious arguments. I take responsibility for my actions and if/when I did something wrong, I apologise.. what makes me so unhappy is that when everytime we argue he will blame everything on me, I'm the faulty one, he's the perfect and innocent, even when proved wrong he will get really mad at me, (I always agree to disagree, always respect his opinion and give him a chance to deliver opinions) constantly interrupting me as if my opinion doesn't matter to him at all, as if he doesn't care about my feelings or how I feel about certain things, and I did talked about this in the past about how unhappy it makes me if he acts the way he does when we fight. We had a serious argument earlier today and again everything exactly like the previous arguments. He will knowingly and unknowingly make me feel bad about myself, even when I express feelings such as when I'm unhappy or when we argue I get really emotional and start crying, he would scold me for it and make me feel bad about being emotional. He will constantly then tell me I'm the one always searching for a reason to pick a fight when I know by my life it's not true, he would say that I enjoy fighting. I hate it, really I hate fighting and avoid it as much as I possibly can, but recently everything I do or say (doesn't matter what it is) is always wrong. My other concerns is he is committed and will never cheat on me, but he never ever ever talks about taking our relationship to the next step such as getting engaged, and everytime I talk about a future with him he tries to divert from the subject. We have been living together now more than two years, he looks after me real well, and I really love him. The arguments only started to get this bad about 4 months ago. I don't know at what stage our relationship is currently. I'm good to him, I gave up my career, my equestrian ism, and even my social life for him.. I clean the house at least 3 times a weak, I make dinner every night, breakfast every morning and he gets lunch to work. He enjoys my homemade food more than fast food. I even take out his pj's for him when he's taking a shower, and take out his clothes when he is getting ready for work. he always enjoys and appreciates it, but it's like he just started to forget about all that. I even had a conversation with him about 3 months ago how I felt about taking our relationship to the next level and I told him I can't wait forever and I also gave him my reasons why. He just doesn't care, doesn't talk or I don't think he even sees a future with me. The arguments and fights are really bad lately and I really don't know what to do or to think. I'm in a constant state of depression, I have no appetite and lost 30Ib recently. I'm anxious especially when he comes home from work, I have a sharp shooting pain in my chest and sometimes my wrists, stomach pain, headache and nausea and vomiting. I'm also experiencing flu like symptoms and when I start thinking about all this I can't get myself to stop crying, also feel tired and fatigued especially when I wake up in the morning. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met really, he cares a lot about others and loves affection and attention and giving those and love in return, he makes me laugh and would've always done everything for me and I would do the same for him, even more. But I don't know what to think of the current situation, why he's acting different towards me. I also didn't constantly bring up the marriage thing, only when I knew he wouldn't be uncomfortable with it. All his siblings already are married and have children, he's 32 and his oldest sister is 37 and his youngest brother is 30, so there's no huge age difference between them. I'm afraid of wasting my time while I'm also afraid of loosing him. What do I think of all this? I don't know what to do or to expect. I have never had someone like him and no one ever made me feel the way he makes me feel, and I really am trying to be the best I possibly can, all I want is for him to be happy and he always was, and then everything suddenly changes. I also suffer from insomnia and I have nightmares (dreaming about him leaving me, or me loosing him in a way) to which I wake up crying. And I hardly can lift my head from my pillow in the morning. I'm so tired of feeling so useless, worthless and like a disappointment when all I wanted was to make him happy and feel wanted, needed and loved. I gave my everything to him. And he has no stress financially or at the workplace, that I know, but I don't know why he's acting strange. I just need advice on how to handle this! I'm literally falling apart and he, the person I thought used to care way to much about me, doesn't seem to care at all at this stage.

 

I read the first few lines. I don't need to read any further. I've already lived Your possible future, so I am telling in no uncertain terms, GET OUT.

Get as far away from this most amazingly charming and handsome man as you can get. Run.

Once you say 'I do', he'll have you right where he wants you. He will slowly and subtlety dismantle your self worth, while filling you with self doubt. He will meticulously and carefully disassemble your support system ie; family and friends.

He will convince you it is to protect you. But it isn't. It's so nobody will hear you scream for help to save you from bruises no one can see and only You can feel.

He'll then move on into why he gets what he does and is entitled to what he wants and he is soooo good, you will actually believe him because at this point he MUST Know what's best for you as you have screwed everything up until you met him to 'fix' you. You see, he won't say this. You will because that is how he has remade you.

A shell of who you were.

Eventually you will stop fighting back because of how incredibly dirty he fights and it's not worth the fight only to admit in the end how he was right and you were wrong.

You'll wake one day realizing your kissing this Douche bags ass and he has managed to destroy every single facet of your life Including financially handicapping you in case you have That Moment.

In that moment, the Epiphany, you see him for exactly the emotional abuser and manipulator he is but you do nothing. You have children with him. Your family would be disappointed, you can't (because of him) manage on your own credit wise or financially.

This happens again and again over the next few years until your children are pleading with you to please take them and leave with just the clothes on your backs.

It it's you. Something he did or something you heard but there is the ((crack)) and you finally say No.

No More. I'm out. No amount of him yelling or screaming or tantruming or belittling or dehumanizing can make you submit to any more abuse.

Abuse. That's it. He is an abusive, narcissistic, egomaniac and you have followed the victim handbook to the letter without even realizing it. I mean he never 'hit' us right??...

 

Here I am 40 next month. I'm starting over and terrified but happy at the same time.

 

OP I'm BEGGING YOU. And I don't Beg, ever. Don't marry this man or even stay with him one minute longer.

 

I will never post this vulnerable on LS again. I've given more to you about me than to any other thread. Because I feel so strongly about this and your stitch.

CiH*

[bathtub-row]

I read the first few lines. I don't need to read any further. I've already lived Your possible future, so I am telling in no uncertain terms, GET OUT.

Get as far away from this most amazingly charming and handsome man as you can get. Run.

Once you say 'I do', he'll have you right where he wants you. He will slowly and subtlety dismantle your self worth, while filling you with self doubt. He will meticulously and carefully disassemble your support system ie; family and friends.

He will convince you it is to protect you. But it isn't. It's so nobody will hear you scream for help to save you from bruises no one can see and only You can feel.

He'll then move on into why he gets what he does and is entitled to what he wants and he is soooo good, you will actually believe him because at this point he MUST Know what's best for you as you have screwed everything up until you met him to 'fix' you. You see, he won't say this. You will because that is how he has remade you.

A shell of who you were.

Eventually you will stop fighting back because of how incredibly dirty he fights and it's not worth the fight only to admit in the end how he was right and you were wrong.

You'll wake one day realizing your kissing this Douche bags ass and he has managed to destroy every single facet of your life Including financially handicapping you in case you have That Moment.

In that moment, the Epiphany, you see him for exactly the emotional abuser and manipulator he is but you do nothing. You have children with him. Your family would be disappointed, you can't (because of him) manage on your own credit wise or financially.

This happens again and again over the next few years until your children are pleading with you to please take them and leave with just the clothes on your backs.

It it's you. Something he did or something you heard but there is the ((crack)) and you finally say No.

No More. I'm out. No amount of him yelling or screaming or tantruming or belittling or dehumanizing can make you submit to any more abuse.

Abuse. That's it. He is an abusive, narcissistic, egomaniac and you have followed the victim handbook to the letter without even realizing it. I mean he never 'hit' us right??...

 

Here I am 40 next month. I'm starting over and terrified but happy at the same time.

 

OP I'm BEGGING YOU. And I don't Beg, ever. Don't marry this man or even stay with him one minute longer.

 

I will never post this vulnerable on LS again. I've given more to you about me than to any other thread. Because I feel so strongly about this and your stitch.

CiH*

 

Beautiful, powerful post. Thank you for sharing your heart, CIH.

[Lolla9310]

Herenorthere - clearly you DID NOT read what I said THOROUGHLY. Now i'm going to ask you to do something which you have probably never done before, I'm going to ask you to try and THINK and UNDERSTAND. Now listen closely. First of EVERYTHING was fine, and yes he's a good guy or was. We have been together more than 3 years. No problems, nothing, we have been living together 2 years and about 2 months. We know each other well. Everything was normal until about a few months back, it SUDDENLY CHANGED. He started acting differently towards me. I do not constantly ask him where we are in our relationship, in fact I have never asked him that at all, because I always knew, until RECENTLY - I started wondering, because of his strange behaviour towards me. I'm easy going, I'm not jealous, not clingy, you rarely hear me say NO when he asks for something or wants to do something like go fishing or so. I accept his friends and family, in fact I get along with his family so well. I'm affectionate, caring, loving and loyal and most of all I trust him. So how on earth did you figure that out? Why am I upset now? It's because nothing is like it used to be a few months back, he's like a different person. And yes maybe I am the one who's wrong, maybe I did something (which I wish I knew) that resulted in him acting the way he does towards me! Common man, really? The only thing I would talk about to him when it comes to our relationship (and this only happened about 3 times) is taking our relationship to the next level - engagement, because everyone in a long term committed relationship HAS to bring up this subject eventually, even every dating coach will tell you that. Seriously, I don't know how you figured by what I posted that I'm someone who always NEEDS to know where we are in our relationship. I'm going to ask you to at least read a post 3 times, well in your case probably more, before you deliver a ****ty comment that makes no sense at all.

[Lolla9310]

Anika - actually I did have a job recently, 2 months ago, he hated the idea of me working, why? He wanted me home with him, well that is what he said. I didn't want to leave my NEW job at first, but he insisted I should. Why?

[Lolla9310]

Anika - come to think of it, you are right, it was a stupid thing of me to do to give everything up. But I can assure you that is not the reason why he is acting the way he does, because I have been unemployed just after I moved in with him. Why was all fine for more than 2 years and then a few months back it just changed? He is a really attractive guy, we have no other problems such as debt, or low income etc. I give him what he wants, even I do have my limits, my opinions and suggestions. I never make him feel bad about himself, I always complement and motivate and praise and congratulate him. Also I'm not clingy, I like my space and don't like it when I'm constantly in someone's face or when someone is in mine. I regularly visit my mother If I feel I need some time away, but HE will never want me to stay over, he wants me at home. So I don't thing it's because of being around me to much.

[HereNorThere]

Herenorthere - clearly you DID NOT read what I said THOROUGHLY. Now i'm going to ask you to do something which you have probably never done before, I'm going to ask you to try and THINK and UNDERSTAND. Now listen closely. First of EVERYTHING was fine, and yes he's a good guy or was. We have been together more than 3 years. No problems, nothing, we have been living together 2 years and about 2 months. We know each other well. Everything was normal until about a few months back, it SUDDENLY CHANGED. He started acting differently towards me. I do not constantly ask him where we are in our relationship, in fact I have never asked him that at all, because I always knew, until RECENTLY - I started wondering, because of his strange behaviour towards me. I'm easy going, I'm not jealous, not clingy, you rarely hear me say NO when he asks for something or wants to do something like go fishing or so. I accept his friends and family, in fact I get along with his family so well. I'm affectionate, caring, loving and loyal and most of all I trust him. So how on earth did you figure that out? Why am I upset now? It's because nothing is like it used to be a few months back, he's like a different person. And yes maybe I am the one who's wrong, maybe I did something (which I wish I knew) that resulted in him acting the way he does towards me! Common man, really? The only thing I would talk about to him when it comes to our relationship (and this only happened about 3 times) is taking our relationship to the next level - engagement, because everyone in a long term committed relationship HAS to bring up this subject eventually, even every dating coach will tell you that. Seriously, I don't know how you figured by what I posted that I'm someone who always NEEDS to know where we are in our relationship. I'm going to ask you to at least read a post 3 times, well in your case probably more, before you deliver a ****ty comment that makes no sense at all.

 

^THIS^

 

This is how YOU resolve conflicts. Thank you for proving my point.

 

I will now rest my case.

[Lolla9310]

ComingInHot - Thankyou for your post. It makes so much sense. Like I told anika, he doesn't want me to stay over at even my moms place, well he'd allow me to, but he doesn't approve of it that much. Not because he doesn't like my mother, he and my mother gets along great, just because he says he doesn't want to be without me for that amount of time. He wants me home with him. So I don't even get to see my mother a lot. I rather think that I'm the one being suffocated, I don't get out much because he doesn't want me to, he wants me at home with him. This is such a mess..

Edited October 27, 2014 by Lolla9310

[Lolla9310]

HereNorThere - since you did not understand, I thought to just help you out a bit. Actually I'm not someone who gets mad easily, so well, I'm not mad. I just hate it when someone jumps to their own conclusions especially when a certain event or certain situation has been explained thoroughly to them. And I only resolve conflict in such manner when with a person to whom I have to repeat myself over and over, and then that person still won't understand. Get my drift? Or do I have to sugar coat it for you?

[Lolla9310]

Thankyou all for your advice, even if some where a bit hard to read and accept that it is true. It did me good to let of some steam since I don't really have anyone to talk to.. I'll be searching for a job from tomorrow, doubt it would improve the situation but will see what happens. I'll also go for some therapy for some time to get my head clear so I can make rational decisions. And maybe try and regain contact with some friends. I'll keep you posted.

[anika99]

In light of the additional information where you state that your bf demands that you don't work and that you are not free to visit your mother, I have to agree with CIH. Your bf is a domineering controller and you need to get away from him ASAP. Never give up your life for a bf again.