adrian77 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 (edited) He hasn't initiated it in 4 years. I have to ask for it all the time and 99% of the time it's no and if he finally gives it's like it's a huge chore. He doesn't ever want a blow job, a massage. Nothing. Just wants to be left alone to drink and play on his computer. He takes a long time for him to get erect and now he almost always loses it during intercourse. Not sure if it's me or erectile dysfunction. If it is, I feel it's kind of selfish that he won't do ANYTHING to fix it. I know it's a very sensitive subject but he won't talk to the doctor nor will he stop drinking, eat better, or exercise to try and help the matter. He just says he doesn't have a sex drive and doesn't care that I have needs. We have sex usually once a month. If lucky every 2 weeks but he doesn't really want to. Just goes through the motions. Seems annoyed that he has to. He gets mad at me if I'm upset. Also he has never once gone down on me. I was ok with it but the more I hear about how all other husbands do it I asked him if he please would. I begged him to after I was freshly showered, douched, shaved, and also bought some oral raspberry flavor from a sex store but he just won't do it. I just don't get it. Is it that gross to some? When he does come during sex and if I don't he doesn't care that I'm still worked up. He will fall asleep or get up. If I do take his hand to try and help me along he falls asleep after a minute. Edited October 25, 2014 by adrian77 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 How was he before you got married? Yes it's selfish. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 What have you done to try to address this problem? Does he know how dissatisfied you are? Does he know that you met with that other man? Does he realize how serious the situation is? So in short, yes he is neglecting you and blowing off your needs and not upholding his end of the bargain in loving and honoring you. If he is aware of the depths of your dissatisfaction and aware that you are being drawn to other men and still choses to do nothing about it and makes no sincer and good faith effort to give you the love and attention that you need, then you are within your right to leave him. HOWEVER, you are obligated to communicate your needs and expectations to him in a manner that he can understand (men don't get women's subtle signals, you have to come right ourt and say it) and you are obligated to make him fully aware of the ramifications of if he continues to neglect you. If he is aware of those things and still choses to do nothing, you are with your right to walk. What you don't have the right to do is expect him to know your needs through clairvoyance and then bitch and whine and complain when he doesn't make love to you like the hero of a romance novel and nor do you have the right to cheat on the side and make him provide the roof over your head while you have wild porno sex with someone else while he is nonethewiser. If he knows that he's a dud and knows that you are getting somewhere else and simply doesn't care and still doesn't lift a finger to do anything about, then do whatever you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I have to be the one to bring this up, but how is your appearance these days? I ask because you think its selfish of him to not be able to get it up. But would it be selfish of you if you have let yourself go over the years? Its a possibility that your husband is no longer physically attracted to you. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 It sounds like he's an alcoholic. How do you expect to have a relationship with a man who puts alcohol first? Also, why do you even want sex with a man who doesn't desire you? Why do you continue to fight for his acceptance, love, and desire? This is extremely unhealthy. "Selfish" doesn't begin to cover the issues. There are two people fueling the situation. Why do you wish to stay with him? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I had a brief but arduous relationship with a girl who liked a `drink`. She hid it well at first. Over a few months it was obvious that a `snifter` was more important than a meaningful cuddle leading to a bit of `spot the submarine`. It is really important that you put yourself first here if you really think he has a drink problem. You cannot carry him through sex. I know the feeling of watching someone lie next to me comatose. You tell him like it is, be direct as you can. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 This is extremely unhealthy. "Selfish" doesn't begin to cover the issues. There are two people fueling the situation. Why do you wish to stay with him? This is correct. He may be "selfish" and not acting in good faith, but you are equally dysfunctional and share accountability for the current state of affairs as well 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 He is selfish. Good lord he TOLD you he does not care about your needs. How much clear does he have to be. Get a divorce and find a man who does care. Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyLeigh1967 Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 I have to be the one to bring this up, but how is your appearance these days? I ask because you think its selfish of him to not be able to get it up. But would it be selfish of you if you have let yourself go over the years? Its a possibility that your husband is no longer physically attracted to you. Oh bull****. He TOLD her he does not care about her needs. And who the hell is perfect after growing older? NOBODY. Yep, lets just turn it around and make it her fault when he just does not give a ****. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 I struggle with my weight. As does he also but I am thinner than I was when we first got together and he was into me then. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Any chance he's a closeted gay man? Never initiating, takes a long time to get hard. To never once have gone down on you? Not even out of curiousity or when he was "into you"? That seems like something else is going on.... was it like this when you were dating? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 The first few months when it was just casual he was really into sex then as it got serious he wasn't into it anymore. I did think of the gay thing but he used to get hard from touching my breasts. I assume that means he isn't fay He was married before also. Could he be cheating? I doubt it since he is always home expect for work. He doesn't hide was he is doing on his computer so I know it isn't porn at least not at home. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Yes he's selfish. Dunno why you're being picked on/questioned over your appeal! Your man sounds like the least appealing man in the world....with his computer gaming, drinkng, ED, lack of respect for you, I wonder what there is to stay for?? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted October 25, 2014 Author Share Posted October 25, 2014 They are picking on me because I talked to another man recently that I knew and we made out once. Nothing but kissing. I couldn't do more and still feel guilty. But I was in such a bad place. I have nowhere to go right now and we do have fun together as friends but this other guy made we realize I do still have needs I didn't think I had. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 Oh bull****. He TOLD her he does not care about her needs. And who the hell is perfect after growing older? NOBODY. Yep, lets just turn it around and make it her fault when he just does not give a ****. I threw out a possibility as to why this kind of thing happens. You can get angry at the idea of it, but it doesn't make these situations any less real. Whether or not it applies to this situation, who can say. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 They are picking on me because I talked to another man recently that I knew and we made out once. Nothing but kissing. I couldn't do more and still feel guilty. But I was in such a bad place. I have nowhere to go right now and we do have fun together as friends but this other guy made we realize I do still have needs I didn't think I had. Nobody is perfect. It's little wonder you strayed when you get treated like you do at home. Have you considered telling him you'd like an open relationship if he can't be bothered having a sexual relationship with you? Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 25, 2014 Share Posted October 25, 2014 It sounds like he's an alcoholic. How do you expect to have a relationship with a man who puts alcohol first? Also, why do you even want sex with a man who doesn't desire you? Why do you continue to fight for his acceptance, love, and desire? This is extremely unhealthy. "Selfish" doesn't begin to cover the issues. There are two people fueling the situation. Why do you wish to stay with him? How did you conclude he may have a drinking problem from her post? To answer your question - yes, he sounds terribly selfish. Maybe gay? It occurred to me to wonder that too. But the question I'm left wondering is - why have you stayed? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 What else can I do? I'm almost 40 and don't have the money or a place to live unless I went to my parents which would be terrible. We have a dog I couldn't ever leave. Most of my friends think he is a such a nice laid back guy because I never talk about him. Just get moody and vent on FB with cryptic posts so I look like the crazy one. Some have contacted him to ask what it wrong with me when little do they know. Just now I asked him if he would get off his computer and he just ignored me. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 What else can I do? I'm almost 40 and don't have the money or a place to live unless I went to my parents which would be terrible. We have a dog I couldn't ever leave. Most of my friends think he is a such a nice laid back guy because I never talk about him. Just get moody and vent on FB with cryptic posts so I look like the crazy one. Some have contacted him to ask what it wrong with me when little do they know. Just now I asked him if he would get off his computer and he just ignored me. Do you work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 I always have but the job I had for the last 3 years wasn't enough now I'm laid off and searching for a new job. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 What else can I do? I'm almost 40 and don't have the money or a place to live unless I went to my parents which would be terrible. We have a dog I couldn't ever leave. Most of my friends think he is a such a nice laid back guy because I never talk about him. Just get moody and vent on FB with cryptic posts so I look like the crazy one. Some have contacted him to ask what it wrong with me when little do they know. Just now I asked him if he would get off his computer and he just ignored me. You're almost 40. How much of your life are you going to waste being miserable? Do you have kids? A job? You CAN leave your dog. It's hard, I understand. But you can't let a dog keep you in a toxic situation. You have to value yourself (or no one will). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I think you should just make a plan to leave. Get a job, get some money saved up and disappear. Leave Prince Charming to his computer. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 Take a job - any job. Then file for divorce and request spousal support. The help desk at the courthouse should be willing to give you free guidance on getting the process started. Don't allow fear to keep you frozen in a crappy marriage. Go to your parents - tell them you need help for a short while until you get more self supporting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author adrian77 Posted October 26, 2014 Author Share Posted October 26, 2014 (edited) What if I can't find anyone else though? People I've know have always said they don't want to grow old alone. I have never had anyone interested in me for more than a casual thing except for my husband. Funny how people would always say to me your so pretty and smart why don't you have a boyfriend yet Nobody ever asked me out and if it was someone I met from Match.com (which I only did a short time). They weren't interested after meeting me. One guy I talked to on the phone for a while and when he saw me in person made and excuse to leave. If I'm supposedly so pretty according to many people why would he leave? Obviously it was physical. I was told once the only thing it could be is too much makeup. I struggle with 30 or so lbs but he knew that and also I had a winter coat on at the time so it wasn't like he could really tell. Edited October 26, 2014 by adrian77 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 What if I can't find anyone else though? People I've know have always said they don't want to grow old alone. I have never had anyone interested in me for more than a casual thing except for my husband. Funny how people would always say to me your so pretty and smart why don't you have a boyfriend yet Nobody ever asked me out and if it was someone I met from Match.com (which I only did a short time). They weren't interested after meeting me. Holy smokes - you define your happiness based on having a man? You could work on that for yourself/for your happiness. Learn what happy looks like for you - all on your own. You can't offer what you don't have. So offering an happy gal is likely to attract an unhappy guy. Like energy attracts, right? Work and learn to support yourself... And to be happy doing things on your own by being proud of yourself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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