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Life-Changing Mistake?


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I believe I may have put myself into a situation of critical error. I am 24 years old and I am engaged to an inspiring, beautiful 25 year old woman. I am having serious doubts and second thoughts on going into a marriage with her but I am too confused to know for sure and in too deep to do anything about it.

 

Here's a little bit about us and our history:

 

I am a US Naval veteran. I left the military at 21 and went into College. 2 years into my collegiate career, I started at a fantastic job with a multinational organization that has launched my career into a really great place.

 

She is a college graduate who is in first-level management with a national organization. She moved out of her parent's house after college and had her first living arrangement that was not with her parents when we met.

 

We met through an online dating website. We were both very busy at the time. I don't think she knew what she was looking for but I was looking to get laid. Of course, I didn't say that. We went out, it was fun. I could tell early that she had some trust problems but that was ok. We went out 6 times, full-on romance, before we hooked up. It was a lot of fun. I was working out a lot and I remember telling my best friend "If I lose all of this weight, I will probably trade her in for a better model." It was a joke, of course. I'm just outlining my intention. We went for a weekend out of town to a big amusement park. I told her I loved her but I wasn't sure I meant it. I had been in love before and it was much more emotional that it was with her, but her and I made sense. Our lives were very congruent. After 3 months, we planned that when our leases were up the next year, we were going to move in together if we were still happy. It's an important distinction that my lease was going to be up soon, and I needed to know how long I should extend it for.

 

After about 6 months, I was tired of having her around. I had never broken up with anyone but at round 8 months, I had enough of her constant craving for attention. I spent the day outside in the cold to try to get in the front row of my favorite musical artist with my best bro. We were drinking beers and playing football with the other strangers out there and she was constantly texting; constantly asking what was wrong. Nothing was wrong, except the constant asking, "What's wrong?" After the concert, I was over it. I went home, I was ignoring her. I was ready for the relationship to go away. It didn't. She kept calling and eventually I answered and she asked me, "Is this still what you want?" I stayed silent because I honestly didn't know the answer. She started balling and begging me to come over. I did. I was there. She had my stuff ready to give me back. I tried and tried to just get out, break up over. She kept begging and eventually, I caved. Then, somehow, I spent a month feeling guilty and criminalized. Like I had to make it up to her. But we came out of it, and we were happy.

 

I started planning a proposal. I was feeling pressured to do so but felt like it was the right choice. I cared about her a ton at this point as we were coming up on having been together a year but she was making it clear that she wanted this proposal to happen before we moved in together. All of our energy moved to buying things to move in together. We wanted a fancy ass place and we were working hard to earn it. Meanwhile, I disguise a trip to the west coast as a birthday gift and deliver the perfect proposal with the Golden Gate bridge in the background of the photos. Oh, 'we' also bought her a car together. We were planning to get married now. I am a bad guy if I don't co-sign for this car with her.

 

We go on to move in together. Painting was stressful but she was already over all the time so it wasn't a huge change. We've been living together for 4 months, together a year and a half.

 

Here's where the wedding planning is:

 

It's 10 months away.

$7,500 was given to us by her parents.

That and about another $1,000 have been given to the wedding venue.

We've paid the photographer.

Our parties have been announced.

We've bought her dress. Actually, her parents fronted the cost for this with the anticipation of us paying them back very soon.

 

So, why the second thoughts? Everything she does frustrates me. I think it's rooted in me not being sure, but even things that shouldn't frustrate me, frustrate the crap out of me.

 

She constantly asks me what's wrong. I hate it. After a long time, "What's wrong?" becomes what's wrong.

 

I feel like she doesn't offer me what I need from a conversational standpoint. I'm very smart. I'm a logical person. I will say something like, "I read this really interesting article about how many generations work together in our workforce right now." Her response will be something to the effect of, "That's awesome!" And she'll give me a kiss or change the subject. Of course it's not important, it's just an article, so I'm not going to cut her off or shy away from her kiss to go back to talking about an article. However, what I'm seeking is something to the effect of, "Really? What was interesting about it?" or "That's pretty awesome! I work with a lot of older people and these are the struggles I see about it." I have a mentor at work and I am always eager to talk to her about stuff like this. I never want to tear myself away from our interesting conversation. I want to feel that with my fiance. (Note: The mentor at work is not a potential romantic interest. Just an older, happily married, positive influence on my career.)

 

I have never wanted a stay at home wife. I like intelligent women who have successful careers. I don't want kids. I want money and lots of it and I want to be someone with that same outlook. She is in management and that works out. However, she's convinced herself that she is "miserable" at work and as soon as we're done paying for the wedding, she wants to make a career change into the fitness world. That's awesome, except I've quickly realized how little money she will make. Well when we took on a $1,600 monthly rent payment, a $450 monthly car payment and a ton of other bills that add up big time, I'm fronting all of it and she's going off playing "work-out" and bringing in jack squat, but she WILL NOT want to give up her fancy lifestyle at all.

 

I don't know. I feel like I could go on and on about the small things that have added up. I can't stress enough that there are a ton of good things too. That's what makes this so hard.

 

We've lost a combined 125 lbs.

We have pretty similar financial goals.

Neither of us want children.

We get along well. We're both funny.

We have a lot of similar interests. We travel all the time because we both love to travel.

 

Ending this engagement would break her heart. Everyone around me would be against me if I did this. Everyone at work. Everyone in my personal life. Her, who I sincerely care about very much. Her family. Hell, my family would judge condescendingly.

 

Additionally, we are in a weird situation, financially, that will make getting out of this relationship very expensive for both of us, but mainly: me. We are in a lease that's not up for 9 months with a very steep penalty for canceling. The wedding venue is calling for a $3,500 cancellation fee. We still owe 20 grand on her car, together. We owe $1300 on a credit card that we opened together to finance our living room furniture. Let alone: her parents gave us $7500 bucks towards the wedding and another $1500 towards the dress. Because all of the extra money that we have is going towards the wedding, there is none in savings. We're living paycheck to paycheck right now. It's even more stressful thinking about paying a deposit to live somewhere else if I were to move out.

 

This is so stressful for me that I've seriously considered just disappearing. I love my career though and I'm not interested in giving it up over this. I feel like this much of a coward sometimes.

 

On the other hand, I sometimes think I'm just over reacting or I have cold feet or I really do love this woman and want to spend my life with her. I just don't know.

 

I will openly welcome any advice, please.

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Out of respect to this girl you say you care about, do not go through with this marriage. If your main concern putting you off splitting up is finances then that just proves splitting up is the right thing to do.

 

Also please note that when this poor girl has been asking you what was wrong, she was right. Something was wrong but you just would not tell her. Your lack of communication has resulted in you being in this mess. Do not let a continued lack of communication make the situation even more complicated. End this now.

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hillj23,

 

I am having serious doubts and second thoughts on going into a marriage with her

 

Then in the name of sweet reason DON'T DO IT !

 

but I am too confused to know for sure and in too deep to do anything about it
.

 

That's BS and you know it.

 

I know of someone who called off a (Church) wedding a month before.

 

I know of someone who called off a Civil Wedding a week before.

 

After about 6 months, I was tired of having her around.

 

Holy $hit man, :eek: you get fed up with her after 6 months and yet you want to sign up to a lifetime with her ???:confused:

 

This is so stressful for me that I've seriously considered just disappearing

 

The only thing that has disappeared is your backbone - grow one and bite the bullet.

 

CANCEL IT NOW.

 

Additionally, we are in a weird situation, financially, that will make getting out of this relationship very expensive for both of us, but mainly: me.

 

So you want to get married because it is too expensive to back out ?

 

Errrrr,

have you ever sat down and thought what being married is all about?

 

It's not about the fancy cars and the fancy lifestyle and all the other trappings.

 

So, why the second thoughts? Everything she does frustrates me. I think it's rooted in me not being sure, but even things that shouldn't frustrate me, frustrate the crap out of me.

 

And it's also frustrating the cr@p out of me just reading this.

 

Do the right thing hillj23 and let this girl go to someone who really cares about her.

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Ok, this is where Uncle Oldshirt needs to set the young pup on his knee and tell him what is expected of him as a man and what life will be like in the grown up world.

 

I'm 50 years old. Married for 19 years. Two kids. Mortgage, car payments, motorcycle payments blah blah blah.

 

I dated several women seriously and dated several casually and screwed around with hook ups FWBs and FBs quite a bit in my youth.

 

I have several regrets and several victories. Struck out a number of times and have hit a few out of the ballpark with bases loaded as well.

 

I don't ever regret breaking it off with anyone when my heart wasn't interested in moving forward any more. The break ups carried a bit of a sting, tears were shed and there were moments of second-guessing and self-doubt. There were even a few lonely nights where I would've preferred a real life warm body over spanking to porn.........but I knew in my heart and sole that breaking it off was the right thing to do.

 

The regrets I have are never in the break up, or the tears, or the lonely nights. The regrets I have are the days I wasted between the day I realized she wasn't "the one" and the day I broke it off. Those are the regrets and those are the days you can't get back and that you can't justify.

 

Being an adult man means knowing what is the right path for you and having the balls and the backbone to carry it out even though it means some pain in the present and even if it means someone's Aunt Beullah in Michigan is going to have a problem with it. Being an adult man means some times you have to pay a hefty price today to keep from paying a hayyuuge price tag in the future.

 

You speak money so let's talk dollars and sense (pun intended, not a typo). It will cost you a few bucks to get out of this arriangment. It may cut into your beer money and hobby money for a few months.

 

But if you let this go, your divorce will cost you tens of thousands, half the equity in your house, half your bank accounts, half your retirement account and will cost you multiple tens of thousands of dollars in child support on each kid until they reach adulthood.

 

....and that is assuming you have a great lawyer and a fair judge and get a reasonably fair divorce. Add some more tens of thousands to that if the judge orders spousal support do to the difference in income.

 

GETTING OUT NOW IS CHEAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You got into this relationship for poontang and you got it. You also developed a friendship out of the deal and that is sweet. But you also let yourself get carried away too far. You let her call some shots that you weren't ready for and weren't on board with. You went along to get along.

 

Being a man means standing up and doing what is right and doing what you know you have to do and not letting others manipulate you or call the shots on your life.

 

Sometimes that means gritting your teeth and them letting out a scream when you tear the bandaid off quickly so the wound will heal and to save yourself the protracted and prolonged pain of trying to peel it off slowly.

 

Women are more intuitive than men when it comes to relationships. She has known all along this was not going to last. She was just dilluding herself into thinking she might be able to ramrod this relationship through because you were being passive and not standing up for yourself.

 

This is a watershed moment in your life. In a number of years you are going to be looking back on this moment and reflecting on your decision. You will either be kicking yourself in the ass as you are writing out checks. Or you will be passing on the the wisdom to another young pup that is starting to make his way into the world of the man.

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Women are more intuitive than men when it comes to relationships. She has known all along this was not going to last. She was just dilluding herself into thinking she might be able to ramrod this relationship through because you were being passive and not standing up for yourself.

 

.

 

She is going to cry. She is going to plead and she is going to bargain and promise to change. She is going to dress up in stockings and heels and try to seduce you (it was poontang that worked in the beginning so she'll try poontang at the end too)

 

She may even try to get pregnant so don't let her near any sperm. She may even pick up some dude at a bar, get knocked by him and say it's yours so just plain stay away from eggs.

 

She will be upset and hurt and will tell all her friends and family what a jerk and a user and lier etc you are.

 

But deep down she has known from day one that your heart and soul weren't really in it. She just knows. That's why she's had all the insecurities all along.

 

Every time she asked, "what's wrong." What she was really asking was, " is today the day?"

 

When the ax comes down, it is going to have a sting. Tears will be shed. She may even "accidentally break something of yours during the packing process or accidently ding your car.

 

But she will eventually understand and accept it. She has been waiting and preparing for this for a long time.

 

Within weeks or a couple months she is going to be out there dating again.

 

If she has any resentment or bitterness afterwards it's not going to be about the break up itself per se, It's going to be about the times she asked, "what's wrong?" And you said, "nothing."

 

She knows better. She knows it's something.

 

Every time you say "nothing" it is going to prolong her pain and feed her resentment and bitterness.

 

Being a man means facing the truth and dealing with reality. It means means being the captain of your ship and taking care of your crew, passengers and cargo.

 

Sometimes that means admitting the hull is breached and water is going over the bulkheads and ordering everyone to the lifeboats in time to keep dry and out of shark infested waters.

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I am having serious doubts and second thoughts on going into a marriage with her but I am too confused to know for sure and in too deep to do anything about it.

 

 

when a man has found "the one" there is no confusion, there is no doubt. There are no second thoughts. He knows what he wants, knows where he wants to go. He sits down and puts pen to paper and makes out a plan of the future and presents this future plan to her and asks if she ants to join him in executing that plan. She either says yes or no. If she says yes, then they are engaged. In traditional culture he runs it by her daddy first to get his approval and blessing.

 

The reason this is tradition and as it has been done for thousands of generations is because if a guy does this it means he is serious and sincere and has intent.

 

A woman can nag a man and tempt him with poon and get him to do anything - ........in the short term. And then it falls apart.

 

If the man is the one that comes up with the plan and makes it happen on his own, then he is serious.

 

You have not been serious throughout this. You've just been going along with it to get some steady poon. Well now the poon has lost its luster and now you are being pushed into a future you haven't chosen and don't want.

 

It's gonna blow up if you don't man up and stop it now.

 

 

 

We met through an online dating website. I don't think she knew what she was looking for but I was looking to get laid. Of course, I didn't say that.

 

 

but I'm sure she knew

 

 

 

 

I was working out a lot and I remember telling my best friend "If I lose all of this weight, I will probably trade her in for a better model." It was a joke, of course.

 

 

 

no you were dead serious. It was your intent all along to find someone more compatible with your wants and your values etc etc. you just got caught up in the convenience and being with her just became a comfortable habit.

 

You just needed time to fix yourself up to the point where you get a woman in the league you desired. In other words, she is the training wheels or the sparring partner the practice dummy or whatever you want to call it.

 

 

 

 

 

After about 6 months, I was tired of having her around.

 

every day after that was/is a wasted moment for the both of you. Each of those days is a day you will regret and a day she will resent.

 

 

 

and she was constantly texting; constantly asking what was wrong. Nothing was wrong, except the constant asking, "What's wrong?"

 

 

again, direct translation = "is today the end?"

 

 

 

After the concert, I was over it. I went home, I was ignoring her. I was ready for the relationship to go away. It didn't. She kept calling and eventually I answered and she asked me, "Is this still what you want?" I stayed silent because I honestly didn't know the answer.

 

 

you knew the answer. You just didn't have the maturity, experience, sophistication and most importantly -BALLS to answer it.

 

This is where you dropped the ball. This was the moment of indecision that you will reflect back on some day.

 

Whether you reflect back on it as learning moment or the day you fcked your life up will be up to what you do now.

 

 

 

She started balling and begging me to come over. I did. I was there. She had my stuff ready to give me back. I tried and tried to just get out, break up over. She kept begging and eventually, I caved. Then, somehow, I spent a month feeling guilty and criminalized. Like I had to make it up to her.

 

 

she will do this again since it worked before, but with more intensity

 

(Or maybe not. She may have grown up too and will grow some ovaries as an adult woman and do what's in her best interest which is to let you go)

 

 

I started planning a proposal. I was feeling pressured to do so but felt like it was the right choice. I cared about her a ton at this point as we were coming up on having been together a year but she was making it clear that she wanted this proposal to happen before we moved in together. All of our energy moved to buying things to move in together. We wanted a fancy ass place and we were working hard to earn it. Meanwhile, I disguise a trip to the west coast as a birthday gift and deliver the perfect proposal with the Golden Gate bridge in the background of the photos. Oh, 'we' also bought her a car together. We were planning to get married now. I am a bad guy if I don't co-sign for this car with her.

 

 

this is called going along to get along. You were being a nice puppy and it made her happy and you like her smiles and her scratches behind your ears.

 

 

It was all just temporary though wasn't it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's where the wedding planning is:

 

It's 10 months away.

$7,500 was given to us by her parents.

That and about another $1,000 have been given to the wedding venue.

We've paid the photographer.

Our parties have been announced.

We've bought her dress. Actually, her parents fronted the cost for this with the anticipation of us paying them back very soon.

 

 

 

all pennies on the dollar compared to the inevitable divorce.

 

 

Be a man. Come up with a plan. Present the plan. Move forward with it.

 

See a lawyer and a financial planner. Come up with a plan to repay the amount you owe. Get a written contract. Present it to her daddy. Look in his eye as a man and a father and explain the situation. Sign the papers. Hand over the first check.

 

 

 

So, why the second thoughts? Everything she does frustrates me. I think it's rooted in me not being sure, but even things that shouldn't frustrate me, frustrate the crap out of me.

 

 

it's all because she's not "the one" for you. When her man finds her, he will love her and honor her and rub her feet and think everything she does and says is wonderful.

 

Get out of his way so he can find her and treat her that way.

 

She constantly asks me what's wrong. I hate it. After a long time, "What's wrong?" becomes what's wrong.

 

 

you are on the brink of an epiphany here. What's wrong is she is pleading with you to make the decision. She is the copilot of a plane that is spiraling towards the ground.

 

When she says 'what's wrong?' She is saying "DO SOMETHING! That something is either fix the plane and pull it out of the dive and set a course to safety. Or pull the ejection handle and punch us out so we can survive the crash.

 

She is looking to you for leadership, a plan and decisiveness.

 

At the moment she is at the controls here and the plane is headed to the ground. She wants you to make a decision and keep everyone alive, whether that is restoring control and a safe course, or ejecting before the crash.

 

 

I have never wanted a stay at home wife. I like intelligent women who have successful careers. I don't want kids. I want money and lots of it and I want to be someone with that same outlook. She is in management and that works out. However, she's convinced herself that she is "miserable" at work and as soon as we're done paying for the wedding, she wants to make a career change into the fitness world. That's awesome, except I've quickly realized how little money she will make. Well when we took on a $1,600 monthly rent payment, a $450 monthly car payment and a ton of other bills that add up big time, I'm fronting all of it and she's going off playing "work-out" and bringing in jack squat, but she WILL NOT want to give up her fancy lifestyle at all.

 

 

I'll sum it up concisely for you - she's not the one.

 

I don't know. I feel like I could go on and on about the small things that have added up. I can't stress enough that there are a ton of good things too. That's what makes this so hard.

 

We've lost a combined 125 lbs.

We have pretty similar financial goals.

Neither of us want children.

We get along well. We're both funny.

We have a lot of similar interests. We travel all the time because we both love to travel.

 

 

no one is saying she's an ax murdere or a child molester or someone who robs old lady's social security checks. She just not the one for you.

 

Listen I went through the same thing when I met my wife. At the time I was with someone who looked great on paper (better on paper than my wife in fact). But it just wasn't happening. My wife was living with a guy that she had been seeing for ten years.

 

In a nutshell, we were seeing each other on the down low for awhile, then the sht hit the fan. In less than a year, my now wife and I were engaged, my ex GF was engaged and living with her future husband and my wife's ex was married with a baby on the way.

 

There were fireworks and tears and almost a couple actual fist fights but in the end nature took it's course and everything fell into place as The Good Lord intended.

 

She's a good person. She hasn't done anything wrong. She's just not right for you and you are obviously not right for her.

 

Just because something is the right thing to do doesn't mean that it's going to be neat and tidy and painless.

 

Ending this engagement would break her heart. Everyone around me would be against me if I did this. Everyone at work. Everyone in my personal life. Her, who I sincerely care about very much. Her family. Hell, my family would judge condescendingly.

 

I think you are just simply wrong here. There is a difference between disappointment and being "against you."

 

If you man up and take a stand and admit you have given a lot of soul searching and personal anguish and have realized this isn't going to work in the long term and ending it now will save even more pain and anguish in the future, people will understand and in a few short days will go about their own lives.

 

As long as you take the high road and are respectful and compassionate about it, everyone will understand and will accept it in due time.

 

I guarantee you if you string her along and make false promises and cheat or treat her poorly, people will judge.

 

If you marry her and have kids and then cheat or "disappear" people will judge and her family will come after you.

 

Her daddy and her parents want the best for her. If you man up and admit you aren't the one for her and can't give her the love and devotion she deserves, they may be sad for her but they won't harbor any true contempt for you as long as you take the high road and do this with honor and respect.

 

Act like an immature ass and yeah sure, they'll think your a butt.

 

Act like a man and they may be disappointed for a few days but will understand and then when the day comes the right man finds her and treats her like a queen, they will even come to appreciate and respect you.

 

 

 

This is so stressful for me that I've seriously considered just disappearing.

 

thats what sleazy, immature, jerk wads do. A grown up man faces his responsibilities and does what he needs to do, even if it's uncomfortable.

 

I love my career though and I'm not interested in giving it up over this. I feel like this much of a coward sometimes.

 

 

why on earth would you give up your career????? What does that have to do with anything.

 

Don't be a pussy.

 

On the other hand, I sometimes think I'm just over reacting or I have cold feet or I really do love this woman and want to spend my life with her.

 

you have warm, compassionate feelings for each other because neither of you are sociopaths. You want the convenience of having her around on your terms but aren't 'all-in" for her and that is where all her insecurities and angst are coming from.

 

You don't dislike her, we all understand that. You just don't love her 'enough' to make this a permanent home and and family.

 

 

I just don't know.

 

yes you do. You just aren't looking forward to the pain it will cause in the short term.

 

I will openly welcome any advice, please.

 

 

Read what I have in bold above.

 

 

Now here is a bottom line to all of this -

 

At it's core dating is spending time with someone and doing a variety of things with them to determine if they are the one you want to make a home and family with or not.

 

It is an interview and tryout process.

 

It is a "at will" arriangment meaning there is no true commitment and either party can end the interview at any time and walk away without recourse by the other party.

 

You have done that.

 

You have even taken it a couple other steps beyond that into where there are some ethical and legal repercussions. However the end result is the same. You have determined this is not who you want to have a permanent home and family with after all.

 

You will need to fulfill some legal and financial obligations like determining how to take care of the car payments and lease as well as repay any loans and gifts etc that were made to the marriage.

 

Consult a lawyer and financial professional on how to rectify those matters appropriately and be compassionate and forthcoming on the personal matters and it will all work out in due time.

 

It does seem overwhelming now but if you take it piece by piece it will be manageable and will workout.

 

Many of us have been there done that (multiple times) and we've all lived to be wiser and you will too.

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......since this was an engagement that involved some shared property and loans and gifts made to the marriage there will need to be arrangements to reconcile those finances.

 

In many jurisdictions, loans/gifts are made to the marriage and not necessarily to the individuals so they usually must be returned/repaid.

 

My advice is to handle this like the worlds cheapest divorce and consult an attorney and work out all the legal and financial stuff by the numbers like you would a divorce.

 

It will be a pain at the time for sure but just keep telling yourself that every penny you pay now is saving you countless dollars in a real divorce down the road.

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Ninjainpajamas

Worst decision in your life about to be made because you're not strong enough to walk away from something you know isn't right.

 

I know how the world can be, I understand how friends/family and everyone else...including her are pushing, supporting and pressing for this to happen in this blissfully naive and blinding vision of happiness.

 

But that's not the real world, there are factors to every relationship that make them oh so much less than "perfect" or "ideal"...and you can't expect the dildo heads in the world to understand that because they're too wrapped up into their own fantasies and opinions that only they could justify with their own half-truths.

 

You're looking at what you will lose if you leave now rather than what you stand to lose if you continue down this path...and then, after you are miserable, unhappy and even more deeper inside of the hole you will wish that you took this chance to leave because by then you will realize how much better your options were.

 

Your freedom, your peace-of-mind, your independence and sanity has no price tag...it is invaluable. And whatever it cost you now to get out of this downhill spiral, will be a drop in the bucket to what you stand to lose in the future.

 

Oh she will get you..she will blame you, guilt you, hold everything against you under the sun and beg for you to reconsider again and play little games to mess with your head and feelings to manipulate you into sticking around like she did the first time.

 

But on planet earth nobody puts the magnifying glass under the behavior and actions of the woman...nobody blames women or holds them accountable for causing their own pain and suffering by forcing a relationship with a man that she ends up unhappy in...because she's a sweet little innocent dove who just wants to be "loved"...she couldn't possibly have issues like the rest of the world.

 

So you will get the blame as the man...the man is usually nearly always the bad guy because women will often times not be the ones to walk away until they decide it's over...and that's when it's truly over...when a guy walks away she just pulls him on a string and has him come back about 10 times more than he ever wanted to and yet YOU get the blame for that as the man...YOU get the sh*t talked about you, your character, your behavior, your decisions, your inability to be a "man" and walk away while everyone coddles her every tear that falls from her face for being sensitive and hurt.

 

That is the way of the world my good man, you need to cut through the BS with laser beam eyes and realize the whole manipulate world that we live in where people take everything at face value and determine little by truth but by emotion and with extreme bias...it is unfortunately a black and white world for most.

 

Be the black...and save your own @ss from misery, stupidity and disappointment, and let everyone else talk their sh*t...but guess what, not everyone will.

 

Don't become another unhappily married man without balls who just complains about his married life and who is too stuck to change it.

 

Power to my people! *Martin Luther King fist*

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Your biology is inveigling you to stay with her and procreate.

 

You've been having sex with her and building up a sense of security and attachment. That feeling of security trumps a lot but it's not always truthful. Your brain is logically stepping in and telling you that you would be better off with someone else.

 

The procreation drive is strong. There are barn animals out there humping inanimate objects. Be smarter than that! She's human but your brain knows she isn't the one.

 

Follow these posters' advice. Follow your own advice, man!

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You're never in so deep that you can't get out. For every relationship where I had that feeling that I shouldn't move forward, that was the correct instinct. I should've run like the wind. If you marry this person, the marriage will be a disaster. It's hard to get past the break-up obstacle but you need to jump that hurdle and move on.

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Out of respect to this girl you say you care about, do not go through with this marriage. If your main concern putting you off splitting up is finances then that just proves splitting up is the right thing to do.

 

Also please note that when this poor girl has been asking you what was wrong, she was right. Something was wrong but you just would not tell her. Your lack of communication has resulted in you being in this mess. Do not let a continued lack of communication make the situation even more complicated. End this now.

 

I agree. There seems to be a huge lack of communication on your part, or at least it seems so to me. You seem to not ever tell her the truth when she asks you what is wrong. All the other things that you are complaining about - finances, feeling smothered, etc - have you ever actually told her that you are unhappy with it? Or do you just pretend to be okay with it even if you are not?

 

That being said, I think it's a bit late to be saving this one, if it were even possible to begin with. It sounds to me like you should not have been with her in the first place, or at least that you should have gotten out much sooner. You can't change the past but you CAN change the future.

 

Do you think your R could be saved if you honestly fronted up and told her everything that you are unhappy about re: the relationship?

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Lernaean_Hydra

Why did you continue going forward when you knew you had doubts every step of the way? You weren't even sure you loved her yet you kept chugging along. I'm not going to call you a coward but rather than breaking up with her you wasted time wishing the relationship would just go away...

 

You are seriously considering going along with this marriage even though you know full well the reason you're "unsure" (and you're not unsure by the way, you flat out don't want to do it) is because you don't love her. Honestly, it sounds like you don't even like her. You consider yourself an intelligent man yet all that intellect apparently never once guided you to be honest with her and tell her what's on your mind.

 

You SAY her asking "what's wrong" is what's wrong but it really isn't. You've had doubts almost from the start and she's been picking up on that. This isn't exactly a mystery. Her asking repeatedly is really just the only way she knows how to get you to be honest with her yet you refuse to do so.

 

Break off the engagement and end the relationship immediately. It will not be quick, it was not be painless but it WILL be worth it. END IT! I mean really, what is your alternative here? Go through with the wedding then gradually build even more resentment towards her until you eventually file for divorce? That's the same outcome only with more time wasted and a lot more unpleasant.

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In addition to the excellent advice you have received here, I'd just like to add that the fall out may not be as bad as you think. Sure her family aren't going to love you for it, but her Father will understand and respect the man who is honest and says "I can't love your daughter, it would be wrong for me to marry her" and then discusses how he intends to repay the money.

 

Your friends and family will support you. I love my friends wives (in a platonic way), but as and when the marriages end. I support my mates 100% and don't mind that I never see their exes again.

 

End this now. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can move on with your life.

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Here's the deal, I've been in your situation before.

 

You're overthinking things and going to screw this up regardless of whether you get married or not. Once you finally do completely destroy it, it will take a good 2 or 3 years of dating horrible people before you realized what you've done.

 

No one has all of their needs met all of the time. No two people are exactly alike or completely compatible. You've met a good person who loves you, but your priorities are so messed up you can't see it. When you finally do, someone else is going to be enjoying a good life with your chick. Not because they're more compatible, because they learned this lesson before you did.

 

I wish I could talk you out of being such a bad dude, but unfortunately this is lesson learned the hard way. You'll realize what you've done one day, but it won't be until someone does you the way you've done her.

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well, you can repay the parents the $7500 and back out--assuming you want to be a man about this.

 

how about some serious counseling first, maybe with a priest/minister to see if you two ARE compatible BEFORE you get hitched.

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So, why the second thoughts? Everything she does frustrates me. I think it's rooted in me not being sure, but even things that shouldn't frustrate me, frustrate the crap out of me.

I don't know of anyone in love - and I mean the kind of love necessary to sustain you through years of marriage - that feels that way.

 

You got in this to get laid and, once married, that will still happen. Let's say 3 times a week at 30 minutes each time. That only leaves 166.5 hours a week to get through in the company of someone that annoys the hell out of you - for the next 50 years. Convicted murderers get a softer sentence...

 

Mr. Lucky

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You got in this to get laid and, once married, that will still happen. Let's say 3 times a week at 30 minutes each time. That only leaves 166.5 hours a week to get through in the company of someone that annoys the hell out of you - for the next 50 years. Convicted murderers get a softer sentence...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Actually Mr Lucky is being very generous.

 

That three times a week will last for about a month or two. After her warm fuzziness wear off completely by about the two year mark, you'll be lucky to be getting it a handful of times A YEAR

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