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VENT re Upcoming Anniversary and Deeper Issues


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thirtysomethingteen

So our 5 year wedding anniversary is in a couple of weeks. We have had a lot of highs and lows to say the least, but in the last couple of years we seemed to be doing better.

Since the beginning of this year I’ve been trying to plan a special holiday to celebrate our anniversary. I carefully planned a trip to a country my husband has always wanted to visit, scouting hotels, tours, etc. meticulously. My husband showed zero interest. I told him – many times – that it hurt me that he seemingly didn’t even care that it was our 5th anniversary, or about the trip and all the planning I’d done. Finally he said he didn’t want to go on the trip, that it was “too expensive” and he had something else (for our cabin/recreational property) that he’d rather spend the money on. We both work full time and don’t have kids or any other financial problems so if we tightened our belts a bit we could have afforded both, but given his lack of enthusiasm about the trip it did seem like a waste of money, so I let it go.

 

I suggested a cheaper trip instead and my husband seemed agreeable – he then however allowed his passport to expire and didn’t renew it, making leaving the country impossible. Oh, and the thing for the cabin that we just had to have? He never even bought it. The money is still sitting in our savings account.

 

I completely stopped caring about our anniversary at all by this point, but I still wanted to go on vacation. (Side note, we have always kept our finances separate due to being burned in the past by exes. We have our own bank accounts, etc.) I decided to travel to the other side of the country to visit one of my best friends. I told my H of my plans and his reaction was “mmm hmm”, or something like that. A part of me was tempted to book it during our anniversary since we’re doing sweet eff all anyway, but I didn’t do this because I knew it was petty and would likely cause problems down the road – it would be done out of spite and I wouldn’t be able to take it back. So I booked my trip for a week after. Told H, again his reaction was “mmm hmm.”

 

Fast forward to last night when he suddenly blows up on me, telling me it is “completely innappropriate” for me (as a married woman) to be going to visit my single girlfriend to party it up without him, and that he is SO HURT that I didn’t even invite him. Please – if I had invited him he just would have said it was a waste of money like everything else I ever want to do. I think it just suddenly occurred to him that the first time he met me was when this same friend was here for a visit and we were “partying it up” – we are pretty popular with the menfolk. My husband and his friends certainly liked us. :rolleyes:

 

 

Well I lost it and just cried and cried, which surprised me as I honestly thought I was past the point of even caring. I reminded him of how many MONTHS I spent, first planning our trip, then trying to get him to give a single eff about it OR our anniversary. He said he “effed up royally” and would try to get his passport in a rush so we could go away somewhere – I told him not to bother and pointed out that it is way too late for us to request the time off work now anyway. As with everything, his efforts are too little too late and now the memory of our 5 year anniversary is going to be of us doing nothing special at all – aside from having a big fight, that is.

 

Want to know the worst part? Prior to me losing weight and getting really fit I could have gone to visit my friend for 2 months and he would not have cared in the least. He actually said (and he thought he was paying me a compliment!!) that if I’d been “this hot” when he first met me he would have been around all the time to guard other men from stealing me away. So I guess when he was out cheating on me (which I didn’t even find out about until after we got married) it was my fault for not being “hot” enough. FWIW there was nothing wrong with the way I looked before and plenty of men were interested in me – but I was (stupidly) loyal to him.

 

When I go out and do things like yoga (by myself, or with friends) and I see married couples enjoying these activities together I just want to cry. My H thinks all my hobbies, interests and activities are a waste of money and takes no interest in them. Ironically my therapist says that the very thing he fears the most (some other man stealing me away) is exactly what is going to happen if he just keeps sitting around on the couch while I go out and live life – but he Just. Doesn’t. Get it. Instead he resorts to threats like “I’ll never let you divorce me, I’ll drag the process out every step of the way” and “if you ever try to leave I’ll drag you back kicking and screaming if I have to – you’ll thank me later.”

 

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

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The anniversary stuff is such a small deal, who cares, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. It's just a day, really. You can take a trip 2 months later in celebration of your 5 years of marriage IF you are both flexible and decide you want to go somewhere after all.

 

The last 2 paragraphs are the deal breakers for me. Cheating, possessiveness, cruel comments.....no. In light of those issues, the anniversary problem is just a symptom of overall toxicity. I'd end this marriage.

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thirtysomethingteen
The anniversary stuff is such a small deal, who cares, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. It's just a day, really. You can take a trip 2 months later in celebration of your 5 years of marriage IF you are both flexible and decide you want to go somewhere after all.

 

The last 2 paragraphs are the deal breakers for me. Cheating, possessiveness, cruel comments.....no. In light of those issues, the anniversary problem is just a symptom of overall toxicity. I'd end this marriage.

 

Thank you.

 

For nearly 10 years (as a couple) I put up with his utter selfishness and gratefully accepted whatever scraps he threw my way because I had zero self esteem and didn't think I deserved any better.

 

You are right about the toxicity. When I call him out on his cruel comments he is always sorry and says he only says it because he is so afraid I'll leave him. And then I feel sorry for him. But what he is really saying is that he tries to make me feel bad about myself so I won't think I can do better - which is pretty freaking cruel.

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i think aniversaries are a lithmus test of a marriage's health. What you do, or where you go, or how much money you spend on each other on an aniversary is not the important part. What IS importnt is that each partner actually spend some time figuring out what they want to do/give on the day.

 

 

So if you are planning a nice trip, and the souse is not into it at all...that makes one wonder if the marriage is dead. If you buy your spouse a thoughtful gift, and they forget it is your aniversay day...that says a whole lot also.

 

 

not sure what is going on with your husband, but he might have come on a message board like this one, told his side of the story, gotten his head handed to him, and he though better of it! Also, someone might have pointed out to him that a sudden weight loss in a woman is a big red flag that she is bored/over a marriage and starting to look for other partners for a breakup affair.

 

 

So when you told him you were visiting a single friend far away, he knows you were losing weight, and he had recently acted like a reall azz....it probably hit him that he might lose you! he is scared now.

 

 

So use that. sit him down, tell him your relationshp is rocky (someting he already suspects) and discuss how YOU would like it to improve. He MIGHT be in a mood to actually do something about it. a first thing you might ask him to do would be to get his passport fixed asap. If he makes the effort to fix it in a week (it only costs money) you can tell he is acting seriously about the marriage for a change.

Edited by spanz1
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i think aniversaries are a lithmus test of a marriage's health. What you do, or where you go, or how much money you spend on each other on an aniversary is not the important part. What IS importnt is that each partner actually spend some time figuring out what they want to do/give on the day.

 

 

So if you are planning a nice trip, and the souse is not into it at all...that makes one wonder if the marriage is dead. If you buy your spouse a thoughtful gift, and they forget it is your aniversay day...that says a whole lot also.

 

 

not sure what is going on with your husband, but he might have come on a message board like this one, told his side of the story, gotten his head handed to him, and he though better of it! Also, someone might have pointed out to him that a sudden weight loss in a woman is a big red flag that she is bored/over a marriage and starting to look for other partners for a breakup affair.

 

 

So when you told him you were visiting a single friend far away, he knows you were losing weight, and he had recently acted like a reall azz....it probably hit him that he might lose you! he is scared now.

 

 

So use that. sit him down, tell him your relationshp is rocky (someting he already suspects) and discuss how YOU would like it to improve. He MIGHT be in a mood to actually do something about it. a first thing you might ask him to do would be to get his passport fixed asap. If he makes the effort to fix it in a week (it only costs money) you can tell he is acting seriously about the marriage for a change.

 

I never heard that a sudden weight loss is a red flag of a wife getting bored or ready to leave. I guess it makes sense.

 

 

 

 

I think it is great that you got back into shape thirtysomethingteen!! I have also been feeling really good about my weight/size/shape again. I love being active and staying fit. I feel like I am back to being me again. Other men do pay more attention also which is nice but brings other issues.

 

 

I also know how it is when your husband isn't into things you are. My husband also uses the it costs a lot excuse to not do things or allow me to do things...I have to remind him that sometimes fun costs money & its worth it.

Im glad to hear he got a bike to go riding with you & ditched some of his old junk!

 

 

 

 

You could always celebrate your anniversary on a later date & have some good quality time together.

 

 

I think you should invite your husband to go out with you & your friends! I know it is also important to have just girl/ friends time. It might make him more comfortable if he is invited sometimes though.

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I never heard that a sudden weight loss is a red flag of a wife getting bored or ready to leave. I guess it makes sense.

 

 

 

as they say, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"!

 

 

Many of us TRY to lose weight for health reasons, but fail (probably due to a loack of willpower). For those that DO succeed, there is a lot of willpower involved there. So it is a little logical that a spouse that is actively trying to cheat on you might loose weight, tone up, buy new trendy clothing, do more preening. So it is a red flag if it happens in concert with other beaviors (like having their cell phone surgically attached to their hip). Its not a guarantee...the person loosing weight might just be doing it to get their doctor off their back. lol

 

 

you even say yourself, men are paying more attention to you! so, a person who is suceptible to cheating....when people start paying more attention to them, flirting with them....it is like pouring gasoline on a fire.

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thirtysomethingteen

Thanks everyone for your insight. :-) We are taking a 4 day weekend for our actual anniversary to a really nice resort town a couple of hours away. Then in a couple of months or so we're going to take a 10 day or so trip abroad!

 

It's true what you say about the weightloss - oye, I first started dieting to impress some random dude on the train that I had a flirtation with...then I put the kibosh on that, but by then I was used to eating healthier and less and had started to really enjoy exercise...and I just ran with it. Some friends were just asking me today how I managed to make such a huge amount of progress in such a short amount of time.

 

Yes it comes with problems too in the form of advances from other men...I am digging myself out of that as we speak. The good news is that I've started to see my latest crush for what he is...someone with serious issues whom I'm glad isn't MY husband - but maybe I'll start a separate thread about that later.

 

Really looking forward to 4 nights in a nice hotel with my husband.

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