Jump to content

My Situation; Wife needs space


Recommended Posts

Married for 13 years with 5 year old twins, my wife is pushing herself out. 2 years ago she started a new job and started an affair with her colleague. She claims that he was present when the issues were there and that I was on business trips. She has accused me of not taking care of her and the kids. Some points I can't deny but I can't stand the affair. We are still living as one unit family. Nothing has changed from the outside. However, she asks for space which I provide. On top of that I have done changes where I spend a lot less time at work and more time at home. Specially for the kids. Help more on the household choirs. Try to setup events to attend to. But she is constantly on Whatsapp. I had caught her sexting to the guy once. Confronted her. Though deleted the video I had taken trusting her apology. Recent logs I have seen have been less intimate but kisses around. I am in the dillema of applying the 180 rule and healing the marriage. I am seeing a therapist (only one session) which helps but she is worried that I would fall into depression and she wouldn't be able to handle that. I lost 10 kgs already. The therapist knows us from previuos depressions I had.

 

She isn't leaving the house. I suspect she is seeing it hard to do. Has asked me to do but again not for me. Maybe she is waiting for the other guy to move close or for her to move close to him.

 

Positively thinking she really is giving me a chance. And she is putting effort on her part.

 

Friends urge me to get the lawyers involved. I am not ready though.

 

Probably not looking for advice but sharing my frustration.

Link to post
Share on other sites

She had (actually has, it doesn't sound like it stopped) an affair and SHE is giving YOU a chance?

Grow a pair, your friends are right...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Willdo,

I am sorry that you are suffering from depression - that's tough.

 

However, please read what you posted about your wife,

 

Positively thinking she really is giving me a chance. And she is putting effort on her part.

 

She is giving YOU a chance ??

 

But she is constantly on Whatsapp. I had caught her sexting to the guy once.

 

Recent logs I have seen have been less intimate but kisses around.

 

by doing this ^^^^???

 

Please wake up and smell the coffee. It is obvious that the only one that is trying to save this marriage is you.

I don't see anywhere where she has said she is sorry, that the affair is over, or that she still loves you, or that she wants to work at things.

All I see is a selfish woman who is still contacting guys while you run around the house doing domestic duties.

 

Tell her she needs to either tinkle or get off the pot. If she wants to be in the marriage then she needs to meet you half way - if not, she needs to leave.

 

Your friends are right you need to get advice from a lawyer.

 

Good Luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Can't defend her here. Yes, she still is in an affair. So should I do the 180 or just move out of the home and file in papers? She constantly says she doesn't want to lose the friendship of that guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I will talk with the therapist before I make a move. It is extremely difficult. Hence doing the 180 rule. She has to go but I don't want her to take the kids. In UK I checked she can actually do that. And even I claim adultery, she still can keep the kids.

Link to post
Share on other sites

WillDo,

If she is still in an affair then you don't have a marriage. She has already said that ;-

 

She constantly says she doesn't want to lose the friendship of that guy
.

 

so why are you working your backside off trying to fix this when she isn't committed in any way shape or form to the marriage?

 

Please go and see a lawyer NOW and don't tell her just yet. See what your options are (regarding staying or leaving) and then tell her she needs to either shape up or ship out because you aren't going to put up with her disrespecting you any more.

 

As long as you allow her to have her cake and eat it, she will continue to do so. So long as there are no consequences to her bad behaviour there is no reason for her to change it.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

WillDo,

 

I will talk with the therapist before I make a move.

 

but make sure you speak to a lawyer as well as therapists aren't experts in the legal issues surrounding divorce/separation.

 

And even I claim adultery, she still can keep the kids.

 

If that is the law then there is nothing you can do about it, I'm afraid. That's why I urge you to see a lawyer as soon as possible.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you for your responses. The therapist had told me and my wife to hold back from any major decisions. I will at least talk to them. But understand me as well. We built a life together.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for your responses. The therapist had told me and my wife to hold back from any major decisions. I will at least talk to them. But understand me as well. We built a life together.

 

However hard it may be, you're not saving what you built letting her treat you like crap, you're just letting things get worse that way...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

WillDo,

 

The therapist had told me and my wife to hold back from any major decisions

 

Why ??

 

I can't believe your therapist said that. Your wife made a "major decision" to f*** some other guy and your therapist wants you to sit around twiddling your thumbs while she keeps on doing it ?:eek:

 

I think you need a new therapist.:rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well my wife had told the therapist that he is just a friend. Not a lover.

 

And you believe this? Is the same line every WS has said to every BS

 

Don't move out of the house. Tell her she has to end contact with the OM or she can move out.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I had read about several posts where men were trying to save their marriage. It probably does end up on separation but I wanted to do my bit on saving the marriage. I will talk to my wife and see where we can meet.

Link to post
Share on other sites

WillDO, You are destroying your self in the name of my marriage. You had a serious depression before wich her actions or inactions may be contributery. If I may ask, how long have your cheating wife have being friend with the AP? Chances are- even your kids are not biologically yours. Stop killing yourself before your end time. Divorce her before she divore you. Your marriage is not worth saving.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Positively thinking she really is giving me a chance. And she is putting effort on her part.

No, she is not.

 

As long as she keeps the other man in her life - as a "friend" or whatever - will be a block towards repairing your marriage.

 

Read up on the 180. If you want to keep your marriage, it can only happen if both of you are willing to give 110% towards that endeavor which cannot happen if she keeps that other man in her life on any level.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, I have seen the 37 points. I have been doing my best on applying those. I have to confront her again about the affair and her willing to save the marriage. She has to be transparent about the messages she is sending.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have been calling lawyers. I suppose UK Law won't let me have her leave the house.

 

Divorce advice for men - uk divorce law

 

In UK divorce law divorce advice for men is about managing expectations. It is a very common scenario in divorce in England that the house is transferred into the wife's sole name, the children live with the wife and the husband pays maintenance for the children until they leave full time education while at the same time losing meaningful contact with them. All too often the man feels he has lost everything under such circumstances - wife, home and children - and that what he has spent years building up has suddenly been snatched away from him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WillDo,

If she is still in an affair then you don't have a marriage. She has already said that ;-

 

..

 

Yes this ^^^^^

 

 

 

The only marriages that stand a chance of survival are when the WS realizes the harm they have done, feels true and sincere remorse, accepts full responsibilitity and lays no blame on the BS, goes completely and utterly no contact with AP for life and makes a total commitment to reconciling and rebuilding the marriage.

 

You have none of this here. This is a lost cause. I am sorry.

 

Getting a good lawyer and fighting for your rights are your only option.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have to confront her again about the affair and her willing to save the marriage. She has to be transparent about the messages she is sending.

 

You are not getting it. Transparency in her messages to him means nothing. If she really wanted to salvage the marriage, she would commit to not having ANY contact with him.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for your responses. The therapist had told me and my wife to hold back from any major decisions r.

 

Her having contact with OM is a major decision.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The steps of the 180 do not include "confronting" your wife.

 

If you want to save your marriage, you have to fight to save it.

 

In this case, that means serving her with divorce papers and insisting on her meeting certain minimum expectations if she wants to avoid the pending divorce (a commitment to NC with the OM, full transparency, etc). If being "confronted" with divorce papers wakes her up and she shows sufficient remorse, you can always pause the divorce proceedings. If it doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need.

 

At minimum, get to an attorney and find out your options. I cannot imagine that divorce in the UK automatically means she gets everything. Until you hear it from an attorney, don't buy it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I suppose I have been keeping up for the kids. OM is a work spouse. To fully disconnect, she would have to resign. I can ask that. She has been complaining about work. At the same time talking with lawyers.

Funny that whoever reads this thread will see no hope for the marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I suppose I have been keeping up for the kids. OM is a work spouse. To fully disconnect, she would have to resign. I can ask that. She has been complaining about work. At the same time talking with lawyers.

Funny that whoever reads this thread will see no hope for the marriage.

 

There is always hope for marriages to be salvaged.... If both parties want it to be salvaged. Does she want to stay married to you? If she does she has to 100% end contact with OM. Marriage is about honesty and trust. What is she going to do to earn your trust.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I suppose I have been keeping up for the kids. OM is a work spouse. To fully disconnect, she would have to resign. I can ask that. She has been complaining about work. At the same time talking with lawyers.

Funny that whoever reads this thread will see no hope for the marriage.

 

Ah, I think you mistake some of us here. There may be hope for the marriage. Ironically, accepting an affair is what will kill it while filing for divorce may save it. As funny as it sounds, I would suggest that your best bet of saving your marriage is by filing for divorce. Do your confronting with divorce papers.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...