LadyInTheMidwest Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Here is my dilemma, I have been living with a man for two years, and he has his FB status on "it's complicated." I broke down and changed my cover photo on my FB page with the two of us sitting in front of the fireplace. He still has his FB cover photo with his family members. Three brother's. He and I get along well, but his "it's complicated" status bothers me. It's like he is telling the world we have problems, but we don't. Then I get insecure and wonder if he is talking to other women on FB or he still isn't sure about us. Some people will say it's just FB, no big deal he has "it's complicated." But, it is a big deal to live with a man who has that status on his FB. All opinions welcome on this issue. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Have you asked him? He may not know that's what his status is. I also have a bunch of friends who don't take that seriously at all, so they put absurd things. Like my friend, who's married and we all know she is, has that she's in a same-sex union with another friend. If I didn't think the world would fall apart if I put something other than "married" up, I'd probably do something silly too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Here is my dilemma, I have been living with a man for two years, and he has his FB status on "it's complicated." I broke down and changed my cover photo on my FB page with the two of us sitting in front of the fireplace. He still has his FB cover photo with his family members. Three brother's. He and I get along well, but his "it's complicated" status bothers me. It's like he is telling the world we have problems, but we don't. Then I get insecure and wonder if he is talking to other women on FB or he still isn't sure about us. Some people will say it's just FB, no big deal he has "it's complicated." But, it is a big deal to live with a man who has that status on his FB. All opinions welcome on this issue. Thank you. Tell him to change his status as in a relationship or don't put anything at all. To put it's complicated isn't nice or fair to you. Ask him why he did that. How do you feel your relationship is with him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyInTheMidwest Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes, he knows it bothers me. His excuse is his family will be in his business if he changes it. We live together. We are not in our twenties, either. I know he loves me, but it's like he is telling the world on FB he is in a relationship, but will leave if something better comes along. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Isn't his family already aware that the two of you are living together? That seems like a pretty lame excuse honestly. At first I thought to myself, meh, who cares what his status says if YOU know what your relationship is and you trust in it. But the more I think about it and his response to you asking him to change it worries me. Who is it exactly that he's worried is going to be upset if he states that he's either "in a relationship" or "in a relationship with (your name)" The first he could do without calling you out in it, the second does clearly state that he's with you... or he could just change it so it says nothing at all. Seems to me that if he's aware that it bothers you and refuses to change it that there may be more to this story than he's letting on. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes, he knows it bothers me. His excuse is his family will be in his business if he changes it. Ask him why he thinks-believes that he is not man enough, or smart enough, or competent enough, to be able to handle it properly if his family TRIES TO get in his business? Ask him if he really would actually let them get involved, one way or the other, in his relationship with you...and if so, how so and why so? Ask him why he has such a low opinion of HIMSELF and his adult ability/skill/assertiveness to be able to handle his own business properly. Having to look at those types of questions, perhaps he will be able to give you a more-acceptable reason than this "keeping family out of my business" malarkey. How you feel about how he is representing your relationship/his feelings for you, to the outside world ought be a higher priority for him. Maybe the deeper question that needs to be put to him is why he does not want you (and/or his family???) to know that he actually loves you and cares about you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyInTheMidwest Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 Thanks for the replies. I am sitting here taking it all in. Know deep down he loves me, but firmly believe if a man is IN LOVE with a woman, he would change his FB to in a relationship. Saying it's complicated on FB gives women, who may have his eye on him, hope. What makes me feel the worst is thinking he won't put, in a relationship, is in the back of his mind he's thinking he might meet someone else who completely enthralls him. If that happens, having it's complicated as his status will ease the guilt of leaving me. I hope this makes sense. If he won't change his status to make me happy, there's a problem, a BIG problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I don't know... On one hand, I think ideally one would think that if you ask your partner to change their status, they would. On the other, it's just Facebook and I don't know that, if the relationship is sound, that I would choose this hill to die on. It's not like if he is cheating, the change in Facebook status would make him less prone to cheating... And you're friends and comment on each other's TL's back-and-forth, your relationship isn't a state secret. Mmen and Facebook is always a weird thing. Most don't put a huge amount of weight to it or the status updates on it. Is there something else going on that makes this a big deal? Like, aside from this, are you suspicious of something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyInTheMidwest Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 I'm not suspicious of anything, but worry he won't change status because in the back of his mind he's thinking he might meet someone else. You're right about he and I on each other's TL, FB friends know about us. But, what about people looking him up on FB? They don't know. They might think we argue a lot, he has one foot out the door, or he is involved with a married woman. Interesting and insightful replies I received here. Still giving them all a lot of thought. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 If you wonder what he is doing on FB or the computer in general - check into that. Your living in the same place, and share a computer then there is no expectation of privacy as far as I am concerned if you have a worry about other women. I might get "its complicated" if his family is very religious or conservative and would some how disown or maybe just hurt his standing and money in the family business. In that case - just marry you then, its been two years right? and your not young. Also how can a grown man hide that he lives with a woman this long from his family? One last tip - I hope you have your own bank account, savings, and a "Plan B". Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes, he knows it bothers me. His excuse is his family will be in his business if he changes it. We live together. We are not in our twenties, either. Haven't you met and spent time with his family and friends? If not, that's more of a red flag than his FB status. What are you looking for in the relationship? After two years living together, marriage would be the next step for some couples. If that happened, would it be a secret also :eek:? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I'm not suspicious of anything, but worry he won't change status because in the back of his mind he's thinking he might meet someone else. If you're not suspicious of anything else, I wouldn't worry. It's just a FB status. Just because he changes it to "in a relationship" doesn't mean that you're now more secure than you were when it was "it's complicated." You're right about he and I on each other's TL, FB friends know about us. But, what about people looking him up on FB? They don't know. They might think we argue a lot, he has one foot out the door, or he is involved with a married woman. Then people who look him up will figure it out when they see his TL. I don't know that too many people really sit and speculate what "it's complicated" means. It's not like he keeps you secret, it's just the relationship status. If everything else is fine, I'd just let it be. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 I wouldn't be cool with that, either. Does his family not know you're living together or something? If he's got pictures of you on his timeline, I don't see how changing his relatonship status to reflect the truth (ie "in a relationship") would complicate matters with his family. Doesn't add up, in my opinion. And I am concerned that you said you finally "broke down" and posted a picture of the two of you together. Is it really such a big deal? You shouldn't be feeling that it's such a subversive, big step when you've been with him for 2 years and live together. You didn't do anything wrong, and yet you somehow seem to think you have. You need to be asking yourself why such a small thing feels like a big deal. The dynamic is strange here. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 Yes, he knows it bothers me. His excuse is his family will be in his business if he changes it. We live together. We are not in our twenties, either. I know he loves me, but it's like he is telling the world on FB he is in a relationship, but will leave if something better comes along. That isn't what "it's complicated" means! You are making up your own fake definition and getting upset over it. Get a grip lady! It's just facebook. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 It's just facebook. If you are this upset by it just delete him from your page or get rid of Facebook. That site causes so much angst and stress and its really not worth it... Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 , but it's like he is telling the world on FB he is in a relationship, but will leave if something better comes along. It's this ^^^^^^^ He is keeping his options open. You two may get along and he may enjoy your company but he isn't committed. When men are committed, they marry and make future plans for home and family etc with the partner. The make plans and take steps to integrate the two families, not keep it on the down low to keep the family from "getting in his business." When a man is in love and is committed, establishing integration between families is his business. I am sorry but it appears that you are his bed-warmer to keep him occupied untill "the one" comes along. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 "It's complicated" can be directly translated to saying -"I am on the market and will consider offers but have some issues that will need to be delt with before I am free and clear of any baggage getting in the way. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 "It's complicated" can be directly translated to saying -"I am on the market and will consider offers but have some issues that will need to be delt with before I am free and clear of any baggage getting in the way. That is what it means in a situation where you are openly soliciting for dates. So if this was his OKCupid profile... I would agree with you. However, this is facebook and the context is different. Complicated means "I am currently in a relationship, but no labels currently apply" Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 That is what it means in a situation where you are openly soliciting for dates. So if this was his OKCupid profile... I would agree with you. However, this is facebook and the context is different. Complicated means "I am currently in a relationship, but no labels currently apply" If no labels apply that means their options are still open and they consider themselves open for offers. If they were consider to consider themselves off the market them they would applies labels, ie "in a relationship." Lack of labels means open for offers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LadyInTheMidwest Posted October 20, 2014 Author Share Posted October 20, 2014 SawtoothMars, This issue is important to me. That is why I came to this site to run it past people and to read opinions. Didn't post to be have a rude, condescending comment and attitude flung at me such as, "Get a grip lady"(!), and "it's just Facebook." If I perceived the attitude in your post incorrectly, do apolly. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted October 20, 2014 Share Posted October 20, 2014 (psycho theme music) the dreaded FB RS statuses. Why so many ???? This would bother me as well. I must admit. I have not read through this entire thread but if you've talked to him and still feel disappointment then I would put my RS status as nothing. KIDDING. (kind of) Hopefully everything worked out in your favor OP! Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 SawtoothMars, This issue is important to me. That is why I came to this site to run it past people and to read opinions. Didn't post to be have a rude, condescending comment and attitude flung at me such as, "Get a grip lady"(!), and "it's just Facebook." If I perceived the attitude in your post incorrectly, do apolly. No... I was intentionally rude. However, it seems you have decided to respond by being kind and polite. I apologize for being a jerk. I didn't start using Facebook until I was 25... so maybe I'm a bit old fashioned. To me it's much more important how he treats you in every other situation. Does he introduce you as "His GF" or does he say "Hi, I'm Bob and this my 'complication'"? I mean you actually live together, which means you see him every night... right? If the guy is cheating then you shouldn't you know? It kind of seems as though your main hangup is that it makes you feel he isn't certain about you. I don't think it really means that. To be entirely honest... I've never had a FB status prevent a girlfriend from cheating on me. I also have never had a FB status tell me whether a woman planned to dump me later... or wasn't that into me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Thegameoflife Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 His status is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 His status is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes it is. It is adding a whole other level of angst and issues that wouldn't be there if it weren't for that status post. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 21, 2014 Share Posted October 21, 2014 SO...follow up with him. Why would his family be "in his business" for changing his status to "in a relationship" with you??? If they know you, why would this cause an issue? If they don't know you...why the hell not???? MANY, MANY affairs start online nowadays. Take it from my personal experience. Frankly, I think you've got every reason to have concerns, and if he can't/won't address them...then you have even BIGGER concerns. Don't back down if he can't give you an answer that you truly can understand and agree with. Personally, I would agree that this looks/feels like he's keeping options open. Tell him that's how it feels from your side, and if he truly cares enough about you to keep you, he should be willing to deal with whatever happens with his family. I struggle to understand what would be their concern, especially if they're already aware of where he's living. And if they don't know...again...why the hell not??? Link to post Share on other sites
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