Adventurous side can it really fade?

[confused83]

Long story short me and my girlfriend love each other and have a great relationship apart from the sex. It's always me on top and in the bedroom. At first we tried tried a few places like living room etc but that's faded and when I asked why she's bluntly said she only did it because knew I wanted it but genuinely prefers it how it to is now. That's nice that she says that and says she's happy but I'm not.

 

I don't want to leave her over it and no she's had sex outdoors and things before me because she's told me but said she doesn't want to be adventurous now she's older (she's 27) and now she has a kid who'd nearly 3. She says I need to grow up and realise when you have kids and get older your adcentorous side dissappears but mine hasn't? I don't want to break up over this when everything else is so good but feel I'm not satisfied at all with the level of sex. Even a mention of the word makes her nervous and if I kiss her neck or try to initiate she just says no and tells me to let her initiate because she's shy and doesn't want to do it wrong.

 

Before anyone says it im sure she isn't cheating as togryher all the time and when we're all part she calls and texts constantly saying she misses me etc. Just hurts my feelings that the girl I love I feel like I don't make her comfortable. Feel I've tried everything. Tried not initiating for weeks and then she does but it's the same me on top position. I've tried massaging her for over an hour and it leading to nothing to show her I care and not just after sex. She just says if it want adventourous so much I should find someone else because she just doesn't want it in cars and things now she has a kid.

 

Am I really that weird for wanting it to be adcentorous? It'd started making me feel anxious and stupid whenever sex is even close because ruining my confidence in it.

Edited October 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[veggirl]

Plenty of people of ALL ages (with and without kids) have lots of fun, hot sex.

 

And likewise, plenty of people of all ages (with and without kids) are uninterested duds in the sack like your gf.

 

She shouldn't be trying to make you feel guilty or bad for having a healthy sex drive. She has a very low drive, that's fine but it doesn't mean YOU have to have a low drive as well.

 

You won't work out long term.

[xxoo]

Can she be adventurous in the bedroom?

 

I understand wanting to keep things in the privacy of the bedroom. That's the place where I can relax and really unleash. Bedroom doesn't not need to equal unadventurous. Cars = adventurous is a little uninspired to me.

[dichotomy]

Yes this happens and is not common. Perhaps not public sex but....being a creative and passionate and knowing your partners needs is important. Your GF is expressing a belief which is not uncommon in many new moms and wives (to be fair their are wives here who got the same issue with their husbands).

 

Some of the same words your GF has said, were said by my wife at later points in our marriage. We undertook alot of therapy with a female marriage therapist to discuss what loving committed sex should be.

 

Unless your living with your GF and/or deeply bonded to her child (father like)... I suggest you end things soon. You love her - and it will be painful, but her view of love (and sex) is very different than yours and changing how a person loves and is sexual is difficult to change. Regardless of her feelings as a mom, I suspect she will get back to a little more adventuresome sex when she returns to dating with a new/different guy - 27 is not old

Edited October 19, 2014 by dichotomy

[Mr. Lucky]

She says I need to grow up and realise when you have kids and get older your adcentorous side dissappears

 

That may be true of some couples after decades together if they've lost their way sexually.

 

It's not true of twenty somethings in a fairly new relationship. And if she's right and things slow down from here - where will your relationship go?

 

Either fix it or leave...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Long story short me and my girlfriend love each other and have a great relationship apart from the sex.

 

Then you don't have a great relationship.

 

 

Romance/sexuality is what makes our special someone special and separates our primary relationship from all others. Without it, it is just another friend, acquaintance or coworker.

 

She likes you for the support and stability you bring to her and her child but she does not have much desire or sexual attraction for you. You are convenient for her but don't light her fire.

 

You are not comparable. You want fun, sexy, adventurous sexcapades and she doesn't. She is just putting out a little to keep you around to keep paying bills and keeping her company. Not many guys in her age range will be with a woman with a young child so she is just trying to hedge her bets.

 

There really isn't a solution here other than moving on and finding an adventurous woman without kids who has the same interests and values as you.

[oldshirt]

Then you don't have a great relationship.

 

 

Romance/sexuality is what makes our special someone special and separates our primary relationship from all others. Without it, it is just another friend, acquaintance or coworker.

 

She likes you for the support and stability you bring to her and her child but she does not have much desire or sexual attraction for you. You are convenient for her but don't light her fire.

 

You are not comparable. You want fun, sexy, adventurous sexcapades and she doesn't. She is just putting out a little to keep you around to keep paying bills and keeping her company. Not many guys in her age range will be with a woman with a young child so she is just trying to hedge her bets.

 

There really isn't a solution here other than moving on and finding an adventurous woman without kids who has the same interests and values as you.

 

 

That probably comes across a bit harsh and inflammatory. I don't mean it to sound like she is some kind of actual gold digger or doing anything nefarious.

 

She may be sincere and acting in good faith. It's just that her values, objectives and interests are a lot different that yours. You are in it for fun and adventure and sexy times etc, and she is in it for stability and security for her and her child. Her sexy, adventurous times were with someone else at a different time and place. She's in it for something altogether different now.

[Thegameoflife]

Your gf reminds me of some of my wife's friends. They have this mentality that they have to be serious and mature, blah blah blah. They are boring people. I feel guilty drinking a beer with dinner around them. I know for a fact none of them have sex regularly. Run!

[still_an_Angel]

My adventurous side just went on a holiday for the decade when I had my kids. Mind you I now think it was also because I was married to a guy who was very conservative. When we were dating and in the early years of our marriage, he was quite happy to take the rides with me. Then we slowly lost it after our first child.

 

I am now on my second peak (people say women have sexual peaks, its not always at high peak level though) and I'm even more adventurous. I've done heaps now compared to my 20s. Maybe your gf is just at her low peak, although its been a while since she had a baby. There are no guarantees that she will peak again. The wise posters here may be on the money, you guys might not be as sexually compatible as you would like it to be.

[Discjockey80]

There is actually possibly something else going on here. It's called 'Fusion'. Its a process whereby couples grow too dependent on each others perceptions of themselves and how the other views them and thus they both aren't hot for each other anymore because they are afraid to reveal themselves to one another and view each other as two separate adults.

 

 

A book called Passionate Marriage actually deals with the issue head on.

 

 

However, if she was never overly adventurous with you...maybe she is just with you for other reasons.

 

 

True, adult mature sex IS actually wild, uninhibited all out F****ing. That timid lovey-dovey stuff is less adult and less honest. (Not that its not desirable at times) This is an illusion that permeates many marriages and relationships.

 

 

What is often needed is for the couple to separate themselves from the other in their psyche. In other words not be fearful or concerned about what their partner will think of them when they really reveal themselves. And this applies to all areas of the relationship. It's being real with each other and being mature enough individually to stand on your own two feet. An adult sense of self confidence. This is called differentiation.

 

 

Many times women (and often men) suffer from being Fused. Its unhealthy and often kills many marriages. Breaking out of it seems to be a huge help to a lot of people.

[Thegameoflife]

There is actually possibly something else going on here. It's called 'Fusion'. Its a process whereby couples grow too dependent on each others perceptions of themselves and how the other views them and thus they both aren't hot for each other anymore because they are afraid to reveal themselves to one another and view each other as two separate adults.

 

 

A book called Passionate Marriage actually deals with the issue head on.

 

 

However, if she was never overly adventurous with you...maybe she is just with you for other reasons.

 

 

True, adult mature sex IS actually wild, uninhibited all out F****ing. That timid lovey-dovey stuff is less adult and less honest. (Not that its not desirable at times) This is an illusion that permeates many marriages and relationships.

 

 

What is often needed is for the couple to separate themselves from the other in their psyche. In other words not be fearful or concerned about what their partner will think of them when they really reveal themselves. And this applies to all areas of the relationship. It's being real with each other and being mature enough individually to stand on your own two feet. An adult sense of self confidence. This is called differentiation.

 

 

Many times women (and often men) suffer from being Fused. Its unhealthy and often kills many marriages. Breaking out of it seems to be a huge help to a lot of people.

 

I like this post. Good sex is about tapping into our raw primal selves. There is a lot of societal sigmas around sexual behavior, especially for women. When people buy into the bs, things go bad. All of my personal success with women is a direct result of being a person that women can expose their nature to, without judgment.

[Discjockey80]

I like this post. Good sex is about tapping into our raw primal selves. There is a lot of societal sigmas around sexual behavior, especially for women. When people buy into the bs, things go bad. All of my personal success with women is a direct result of being a person that women can expose their nature to, without judgment.

 

 

Yep...a great example of this is in affairs when a person will really 'let their hair down' with their affair partner but struggle when it comes to their spouse. Its because with the affair partner they are fully differentiated, meaning that they don't care as much what the affair partner thinks or what happens with them because they don't have to go back and live a fully in depth life with them.

 

 

Well, in reality that's really messed up b/c the spouse should be the safest person in the world to open up to. And the spouse committing the affair should have the self confidence to let it out with the other spouse. But there are all those 'issues' between them that stem from one or both of their fears of each other. Part of differentiation is learning to let go of those fears and not 'idolize' the other spouse.

 

 

This is also why, after an affair, the hysterical bonding is so intense. Its because that fake, fluffy illusion is destroyed and it causes both partners to really talk to each other and see each other for who they really are. That combined with the desire to pull close together in the midst of the severing of the idea of their marriage. It creates immediate and quick differentiation.

 

 

And its fully possible to still love your spouse and be intimate while being healthy and differentiated. In fact, this process creates more intimacy and love because again of that exploring and revealing going on.

 

 

It made total sense to me when I looked at it from that angle. A lot of things made sense then.

 

 

Bear in mind, this process is something both people need to do to enjoy the fruits of this to its fullest. One person doing this type of growth will either cause the other to follow or will break up the relationship/marriage.

[xxoo]

I fully agree that deep intimacy and openness leads to the raw, uninhibited sex that people dream of.

 

This is part of the reason why I questioned the idea of sex in cars as adventurous. Great sex is mostly mental, and she needs to be extremely comfortable (both in her space, and with you) to unleash. Pushing for sex in cars or outside may be missing the point. Pushing for deeper intimacy and sharing might help her discover a passionate side she didn't know she had. Or it could drive her away, as the Discjockey pointed out.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I'll admit, I was guilty of this when our child was younger. We still had sex regularly, 3-4 times a week, but I wasn't as adventurous as I was when our kids were younger. It was a combination of factors, none of which had anything to do with my husband:

 

1. Depression - I was having serious issues with depression. Eventually, an illness I had contracted led to a Bipolar II diagnosis. While I'm not saying she's Bipolar, I'm saying that if she's depressed, it plays a role.

 

2. I had an incredibly hard time transitioning through my various roles... It's hard to go from "Mom... Mom... Mom... Mom...," from pee accidents on the floor to "can I please have a drink?" and "why did you do that to your sibling, go to time out!" to hair down, hanging from the rafters, toe curling sex Goddess in the bedroom. My husband can flick that switch the second our child leaves the room. I can't. I'm still in "our child didn't pick up his toys... Does he have school tomorrow? Oh God, child is still awake, they're going to walk in on us... Did I remember to wash child's favorite blanket? Why is spaghetti mashed into the floor?" mode. When he tried to initiate something and all the kids are up and around and doing things, he thinks he's being adorably spontaneous. Before kids, I'd have agreed. After, all I can think of is that we'll have to explain to CPS that the reason our children set the house on fire is because we snuck off to have sex upstairs.

 

3. I. Was. Exhausted. All the time.

 

4. When the kids were young, in that 3ish age range, I felt like every moment I had of every day, from the moment I woke up to the moment the kids went to bed "belonged" to somebody else. It belonged to the kids, it belonged to my clients, it belonged to all those obnoxious grownup things you have to do... The moment the kids went to bed, I had a precious window of time for me. When I started to change from more to less adventurous, for some reason my husband thought the solution was more sex... He thought the problem was him and he thought if he could just figure out how to push my buttons better than he was, things would go back to normal. Then I interpreted every sign of affection as an advance and the start of initiating sex, so I got defensive, so he tried harder, so I got more defensive...

 

What finally turned it around for us was the realization that needed to set better boundaries between mommy me and wife me, communicate when my depression was clouding my mind, and what I needed was more intimacy, not more sex. When he took some stuff off my plate, worked out where I could get a little "me" time at other parts of the day, gave me little gifts of me time so I could go run, so I could sleep in, so I could do a hobby, watch a movie, and gave me space between when the kids went to sleep and initiating sex... Total 180. Sex went from being another thing falling to the "to do" to something more spontaneous. We aren't doing the things we were doing pre-kids in the same way (No more naked days or sex in the car in fun spots... Well, not as frequently anyway... It was easier when we didn't need a sitter) but we are upping the ante of our bedroom life so things are spicy in the same way again.

 

I think sometimes it's hard for guys to see that when you spend 14 hours of your day being "mom," it's hard to switch that off and jump into "sex kitten wife" mode. And if you feel like those are the only two modes you run in, it can get lonely.

 

It's kind of like how I've noticed in my experience (albeit it is limited) that men have a hard time transitioning from "husband" to "friend" with their wives/partners. It just seems like every woman who hears another woman say "sometimes I feel like I don't need my husband, I need my husband to be my best friend" says 'amen' and knows exactly what she's talking about, while the guys are scratching their head going "WTF is she talking about?"

[Poppygoodwill]

I do think you should consider that there are other things going on for her that you're not aware of that are affecting this part of your lives. Everyone is so quick to condemn your relationship, but children change so much between people. In ways you are probably not even aware of, for yourself too. LIke the other poster said, she's probably exhausted all the time, stressed by learning how to be a parent - the trial and error of it all. I mean, you've got to look at the big picture here instead of focusing down on the little picture.