Shutting down after arguing?

[Antai]

What do you do when your SO shuts down after a heated argument?

 

Here's my scenario:

When we fight, which isn't often, we will fight over whatever and then we both retreat to different places to cool down. I prefer to take a walk during these cool down periods. He goes to bed, usually.

 

However I have "always"(there must've been exception, though I can't rembember any right now) been the first one to approach him and try to resolve things and honestly i'm tired of feeling like i'm the only one trying. I've told him that and said I won't no more.

 

As a result we now have a "cold war" after each fight.

It breaks my heart.

 

How do I fix things without feeling like I'm the only one who needs to talk it out? He must have a need to resolve things too right? Can't let every argument just roll off your back? Anyone else dealing with these kind of feelings?

[Mr. Lucky]

However I have "always"(there must've been exception, though I can't rembember any right now) been the first one to approach him and try to resolve things and honestly i'm tired of feeling like i'm the only one trying. I've told him that and said I won't no more.

What do you gain by doing that?

 

Why not be grateful for your ability to forgive rather than lament his lack of same? Each person brings something different to the relationship and I'm sure there are other areas where his strengths counteract your weaknesses.

 

I'm not a big fan of keeping score ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

I agree with Mr. Lucky. I think it's good that the two of you cool down before the argument becomes too heated. I don't think it matters who brings it back up after that. Your husband is probably just waiting until you're good and cooled off. You do know that men hate it when their SO isn't happy with them, right? I doubt that he intends to be inconsiderate or cold. Men can often come across as being that way but they don't think like us and it's a mistake to expect them to behave in a way that seems logical to us. It just doesn't usually work that way.

 

The only other thing I would say is that when you do broach the subject after cooling off and he still doesn't want to talk or compromise or resolve the issue, then that's where the real problem would be. If you decide that it's not important enough to bring up again, then forget about it instead of smoldering over it.

Edited October 19, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Antai]

What you guys say make a lot of sense, I should try to just let it go.

[BetrayedH]

Tough to know without witnessing the arguments.

 

Perhaps he feels like he can never get his point across and never win. And then even when he concedes and walks away, he still has to be subjected to another conversation where he is proved wrong some more.

 

Or perhaps he's passive-aggressive and regardless of the argument, he will ultimately win by giving you the cold shoulder.

 

Frankly, I am sick of arguments. I prefer discussions where there's an agreement to fighting fair (no yelling, no swearing, no name calling, no interrupting, no saying "you always" or "you never", no hitting below the belt, etc). I also really try not to let resentment fester to the point of a fight. Of course, I fail at these efforts routinely.