Raising children with religion

[wed4ever]

My wife and I have been married for a couple years now. When we first met I was in the process of drifting away from christianity and converting to agnosticism. There is no longer any allegiance to religion or christianity in my personal life. My wife is still a practicing christian but we have peacefully come to terms with our differences. It hasn't been much of problem at all. I respect her and she respects me. I'll even go to church with her about once a month to be fair. IMO the issue of religion isn't worth fighting over. All are crazy but I don't have any (many) answers to give either.

 

Anyway, now we have a wonderful newborn daughter. We have discussed about teaching our child about religion, god, ect. I want my daughter to learn about all religions and make her own decision on what to believe rather than getting it crammed down her throat and forced to believe one way or another.

 

My wife said she agrees. Whether or not it actually happens like that is yet to be seen. But, she's not extreme in her pursuit of religion so I think all will be ok.

 

So now on to the purpose of my post. The problem I see coming down the road is my father in law. He is a pastor and I can pretty much tell you he will do everything he can to make sure our daughter is taught the bible. He's already alluded to this in a vague way.

 

So, again, I don't have a problem with my daughter being brought up in church but I'm going to make darn sure she hears the other side of the story. And that she knows I love her no matter what she believes. That it is HER choice to decide what she ultimately believes.

 

Obviously I'm looking into the future many years from now. Like when she is a teenager, or younger, but you have to start thinking about these things.

 

So I guess my question is, has anyone dealt with something similar?

[xxoo]

I'm like you, raised Christian but no longer practice any religion. My kids have grown up in a home where they learn about religion, and have been exposed to many religious cultures, but have not been taught to practice any religion.

 

My mother is invested in teaching them Christianity, and that's fine. I'm not worried about them learning religion. Now that my oldest is a teenager, she sometimes goes to church with other families (after a Saturday night sleepover). That's fine. She also goes to a weekday night church group for teens because her friends go. Again, this is fine.

 

Nevertheless, she seems to have a similar attitude about religion as I do.

 

I say: don't worry about it. They are going to learn a lot about religion in their lifetime, and your FIL will be one of those sources of religious education. Your children will ultimately make their own choices, just as you and your wife did. It isn't worth fighting.

[SawtoothMars]

So, again, I don't have a problem with my daughter being brought up in church but I'm going to make darn sure she hears the other side of the story. And that she knows I love her no matter what she believes. That it is HER choice to decide what she ultimately believes.

Obviously I'm looking into the future many years from now. Like when she is a teenager, or younger, but you have to start thinking about these things.

So I guess my question is, has anyone dealt with something similar?

 

My father is just like you. Do everyone a favor and don't try to teach your kids things you don't understand yourself. The Bible is something that is both very simple and very complex at the same time.

 

Also... don't try to teach your kids some kind of comparative religion class unless you have some seriously deep knowledge about those other religions.

 

I have read the Koran and the Book of Mormon and tons of books that are not in the Christian Bible... ect. My Dad is agnostic... he literally can't see the difference between Jews and Christians or any other sect really. He is mostly a scientific type... but like most agnostics he doesn't really get that either.

[wed4ever]

Do everyone a favor and don't try to teach your kids things you don't understand yourself. The Bible is something that is both very simple and very complex at the same time.

 

Also... don't try to teach your kids some kind of comparative religion class unless you have some seriously deep knowledge about those other religions

 

Non-sense.

 

I'm trying to avoid my kid being taught religion. But I do think it's important for them to learn about religion. I think there is a big difference. Church teaches you that christianity is the only way, you go to hell if you don't repent, someone is watching you and recording everything, even your thoughts. To me that's simply coercion to join a cult. Sadly, it's taught in sunday school at a very early age. Get em while they are young.

[Clockwork]

To the original poster, this is exactly why a non-believer and a believer should not marry. Sorry, it is a bad idea from the get go. The Bible as you might know stresses this because God knows the problems that can arise from it, eg. how to raise children. Your father in law is a minister. Well, he's not going to want his grandchild to go a Mosque, you know? A kid can't comprehend the difference in religions at that point. They'll be able to study it on their own when they are older. You want to confuse a kid? Teach them about Judaism, Christianity, Mormonism and Islam. Or, teach them about just one of them. Why in the world would you want to teach them about each religion at this age? Do you really know much about Islam? Because let me tell you, kids ask a lot of questions.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I think that all children should be brought up with a set of moral values. How they get those values is up to the parents/guardians. It can be done via religious instruction or taught by example.

 

What I disagree with, is giving children no instructions/mixed instructions as this will only confuse them.

 

Did you have your daughter Christened BTW?

[carhill]

So I guess my question is, has anyone dealt with something similar?

 

Not from a parenting standpoint, since our M didn't produce any children, but rather from your child's standpoint, having a father who was devout Catholic and a mother who was non-religious. I was exposed to both philosophies, and watched first-hand how my parents handled their different belief systems and respected the other's and, after being exposed to religion and private religious school, I took it all in and last interfaced with the church when graduating high school and haven't been back since, save for respecting my father in his church at his funeral, as did my mother. Neither parent attempted to persuade me in any way regarding that decision nor criticized me for it. My takeaway from their parenting style was that each of us have choices and the responsibility for those choices is our own.

 

If your FIL is truly a man of religious conviction, he will certainly embrace, support and respect the sanctity of your marital union and decisions regarding your own children; decisions he and his wife made regarding their children. He had his time. It's your time now. Boundaries. Good luck.

[xxoo]

. You want to confuse a kid? Teach them about Judaism, Christianity, Mormonism and Islam. Or, teach them about just one of them. Why in the world would you want to teach them about each religion at this age? Do you really know much about Islam? Because let me tell you, kids ask a lot of questions.

 

It's not an untested idea. This is exactly how the unitarian universalist church approaches Sunday school. The kids don't struggle to understand or accept that different traditions have different beliefs.

[Got it]

I grew up in a similar household though both parents had moved away from religion. My father's mother was strictly Baptist and wanted a religious teaching during our younger years.

 

My parents took a very laissez faire approach to us and organized religion. They would discuss their views but allow us to go to friend's religions services if we so desired.

 

There was conflict with my grandmother and her views so there was some fighting with it and a strained relationship (for other reasons as well) with my grandmother and my parents. Bottom line, my parents' wishes were primary and secondary relationships (grandparents) came very distantly second.

 

I appreciate their approach and am not bought into organized religion.

[amaysngrace]

Psychologically it is healthy for a child to be taught that there is something greater than themselves.

 

It teaches them to be humble and it teaches them to be grateful. It also instills a sense of awe and wonder.

 

I don't know why a parent wouldn't want to give their children the Gift of God.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I appreciate some the moral values and guidance that religion has to offer which makes me very open towards it in some ways.

 

But with that being said I wouldn't want my future unborn child isolated and essentially brain-washed by being completely engrossed in that culture itself 100 percent of the time, you can't expect a child to make decisions freely for itself being engaged in that kind of environment...you can't think freely with the weight of adults who are your guides and counselors who are supposed to be all knowing, along with the expectations being felt upon you by not "fitting in" which is important for children as they gain their bearing, understanding and acceptance in the world. And furthermore being taught to develop the fear of god, deeply ingrained inside of them from a small age...this ever so merciful god, who might just kill you and send you to hell if you don't appease him.

 

I don't associate with myself with any kind of belief or disbelief, I don't claim to know things that I do not, it's very simple for me and I feel personally no connection to a god even though I was raised with a semi-religious conservative background and attending some private schooling where bible studies was part of the curriculum, and there are still plenty of people in my family that are quite religious and a great uncle was even a pastor at a fairly large church while growing up.

 

A part of my wishes that I never was introduced to religion in the first place so that I had my freedom from religion from the start, for me I think it would've given me a much wider ability to see the world much sooner for what it was and is. Because it took me a lot of years to pull myself away from everything I was taught, and naturally I was fearful that I was going to be somehow punished (which never came true but it just always felt that way, it felt like I was doing something "wrong" by not believing with so many people telling me I had to)...luckily I'm a very strong individual and with the gentle hand of life kicking me down the road like a soccer ball, I was eventually able to get a hold of who I was and stand on my own feet, and came to terms and acceptance to what I really believed in, but it wasn't easy...I had always struggled with religion even while being apart of the culture, I always asked too many questions and even at a young age realized things weren't quite adding up, I was also a very rational and logical guy and could point out inconsistencies in an explanation and argument....so if there is a such a thing as a "god" or higher power, I thank him for giving me that ability to see beyond the limitations of what I was being taught and think for myself, therefore choosing my own path.

 

You see, I don't reject the idea of a god but I also think it's silly to feel so strongly there is one and you should live your life according to what one thinks or wishes, conveniently written by descendants, disciples, communicators that channel gods voice or word or whatever as if the god couldn't do it himself if he really wanted to...I just honestly know humans too well to be able to believe in something like that, maybe if the bible or any other holy text was written in magical golden embroidery that no one could shatter or alter would I even entertain the idea...but it's just text written on paper by men at the end of the day.

 

Would I be against the induction of religion on my child? no, not necessarily. I've met a lot of good religious people in my experience, but the one I admire the most was probably my great uncle, he was a pastor but never said a word to me about religion although he spoke in front of thousands of people at time. He just lived his life and he never imposed himself or his beliefs upon me in any way...he took me windsurfing and spent time with me, he was there for the family during situations of crisis...I was young so I didn't see his faults as a man but I mostly appreciated the fact now that he never pushed religion on me like so many others tried to along the way and still do, who knew much less than he did.

 

In my opinion with religion, you're either on it's track or your off it, or just struggling with it. I think you need to accept that your child will likely be immersed into that culture and you may very well see the words so many other religious people mimic coming out of the words of your own child one day. But you can always remain supportive and explain your part, your resistance or disconnect from it may be seen in their eyes as you being someone who is "lost" and in need of being "saved" or they may be as indifference as you, which means you might take some of the blame for that. I would hope that they have the ability to distinguish their own thoughts and reality for themselves, but it's very likely for most people that religion will have at least some very fundamental effects on your child...is it better than them never learning religion at all? who can say...at times i wish I never even wasted my time with it to begin with, but maybe it did give me a good base of morality and justice in some ways as I've always felt for what is right, did that come from religion? I don't know...but I've also committed sins and did dwell on them because of religion, it caused me a great deal of stress at the time when i was young...it's a double-edged sword.

 

One of the greatest freedoms I think you can have, is the freedom of choice...and religion restricts that by determining what is right and wrong for you, instead of you being to decide what is right for you based on how you feel about something. It would be nice if everyone just had a choice, but you can't help but become clouded by having to fulfill what you have been taught and that you need to live up to an expectation first in order to feel accepted...by others as well as god.

 

I think in your situation, your child is already going to be apart of that religious culture, whether you like it or not. But it may not be necessarily a bad thing, religious communities can have their positives. It just depends on how you look at it.

[ASG]

My parents were never particularly religious. They baptised us, though and we ended up in a private catholic school (I don't think the fact it was catholic had anything to do with the decision, though)

So I had a religious upbringing and learned about catholicism and at one point even attended church on Sundays (though it was basically to hang out with friends who were also going).

 

I then decided to part ways with the church and now consider myself an atheist. I do still go to church, if invited to weddings/baptisms/etc, but only out of respect for my friends who invited me.

 

My ex's brother was never brought up in religion and by the time he was 18 he got really into it, got baptised and in his 20s even decided to become a priest (that didn't work out for him though, and he dropped out).

 

Bottom line is, your child will make her own decisions anyway. So I wouldn't stress too much about it!

[Keenly]

Psychologically it is healthy for a child to be taught that there is something greater than themselves.

 

It teaches them to be humble and it teaches them to be grateful. It also instills a sense of awe and wonder.

 

I don't know why a parent wouldn't want to give their children the Gift of God.

 

Because not everyone shares the belief that religion is a good thing.

[amaysngrace]

Because not everyone shares the belief that religion is a good thing.

 

I wasn't speaking of religion...I was speaking of God. The belief in a Creator.

 

Nowhere did I once mention religion.

[Art_Critic]

about the only input I can give on this is as a father myself and not someone who discusses religion... I think all children should be raised with some form of religion or basic belief system, the (or a) belief system is paramount to keeping balance in someone's life...

 

One of my own short comings that I had to learn thru my sobriety was that I didn't have a belief system to turn to, so I didn't believe in a higher power.. I do today and feel well balanced in my life because of it.

 

You and your wife were raised with a belief system..

[Art_Critic]

I wasn't speaking of religion...I was speaking of God. The belief in a Creator.

 

Nowhere did I once mention religion.

 

A higher power...

[Art_Critic]

Psychologically it is healthy for a child to be taught that there is something greater than themselves.

 

It teaches them to be humble and it teaches them to be grateful. It also instills a sense of awe and wonder.

 

I don't know why a parent wouldn't want to give their children the Gift of God.

 

^5

 

I so agree....

[Clockwork]

It's not an untested idea. This is exactly how the unitarian universalist church approaches Sunday school. The kids don't struggle to understand or accept that different traditions have different beliefs.

 

So you think teaching kids about Christ and then Mohamed in the same breath isn't confusing for them? They are too young to comprehend that. When they get older they can convert if they want. Muhamed Ali did. If your wife was raised in a Christian home she isn't going to want to teach the kid about Islam. It makes no sense why.

[xxoo]

So you think teaching kids about Christ and then Mohamed in the same breath isn't confusing for them? They are too young to comprehend that. When they get older they can convert if they want. Muhamed Ali did. If your wife was raised in a Christian home she isn't going to want to teach the kid about Islam. It makes no sense why.

 

I was raised in a Christian home, and I wanted to teach my kids about Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and everything else. I'm not teaching that any of them are TRUE.....just teaching what they beliefs are, how they are practiced and by whom, etc.

 

My mother took the reins on teaching them Christianity from a Christian perspective. They haven't embraced or rejected it as of this point, but they get a lot of Christianity from the greater culture. As I said earlier on the thread, my teen daughter has been attending Christian churches with her friends for a couple years now. She doesn't seem confused. She seems like a well educated, cultured young woman learning about her world.

[Keenly]

I wasn't speaking of religion...I was speaking of God. The belief in a Creator.

 

Nowhere did I once mention religion.

 

Semantics. Belief in god is something that comes with religion.

[amaysngrace]

Semantics. Belief in god is something that comes with religion.

 

I think that you're confusing religion with spirituality.

[Got it]

Psychologically it is healthy for a child to be taught that there is something greater than themselves.

 

It teaches them to be humble and it teaches them to be grateful. It also instills a sense of awe and wonder.

 

I don't know why a parent wouldn't want to give their children the Gift of God.

 

Because it is seen as fantasy and not real.

 

And religion/followers also teaches elitism, horrendous actions in the name of God, etc. My parents both experienced the negative sides of organized religion and did not see the value to it.

 

And one can teach the Golden Rule and pretty much cover all the bases.

[amaysngrace]

Because it is seen as fantasy and not real.

 

And religion/followers also teaches elitism, horrendous actions in the name of God, etc. My parents both experienced the negative sides of organized religion and did not see the value to it.

 

And one can teach the Golden Rule and pretty much cover all the bases.

 

The golden rule huh?

 

It would appear that you're all for teaching 'fantasy' then...

 

 

Luke 6:31

"Do to others as you would have them do to you"

[xxoo]

The golden rule huh?

 

It would appear that you're all for teaching 'fantasy' then...

 

 

Luke 6:31

"Do to others as you would have them do to you"

 

And others:

 

"Ethic of Reciprocity" passages from various religions: Bahá'í Faith to Judaism:

[wed4ever]

I was raised in a Christian home, and I wanted to teach my kids about Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, and everything else. I'm not teaching that any of them are TRUE.....just teaching what they beliefs are, how they are practiced and by whom, etc.

 

My mother took the reins on teaching them Christianity from a Christian perspective. They haven't embraced or rejected it as of this point, but they get a lot of Christianity from the greater culture. As I said earlier on the thread, my teen daughter has been attending Christian churches with her friends for a couple years now. She doesn't seem confused. She seems like a well educated, cultured young woman learning about her world.

 

There were many good answers in here but that sums up my hopes the most. Most say, like you, its not something to worry too much about. I know my daughter will get indoctrinated from others on Christianity. I just want her to know its OK not to believe.

 

Also I think some children aren't so easily fooled. By 4 years old I questioned the existence of Santa Claus and the tooth fairy on my own account.