My husband has an attractive female friend?

[Alexandra_24]

My husband and I have been married for a year now, and we dated a year before our marriage. We have been in a healthy, loving, and great relationship. He shows me his affection daily by telling me he loves me and tells me I'm beautiful inside and out. He even surprises me with flowers or chocolates at least once a week, which I find very sweet. I love my husband and I think he is a wonderful man.

 

My husband has a wide range of friends, and some of these friends are women. I didn't feel threatened by them at first, because none of them were prettier than me, but then one of them turned out to be absolutely beautiful and it made me feel a little insecure.

 

My husband is a doctor and he recently hired a medical assistant who turned out to be this light haired, petite, and beautiful Russian girl who is about 20 years younger than me. One day I picked up my husband from work and I saw him talking to her, and that's when I saw her for the first time, and I was hit with jealousy at how beautiful she was. I badgered him with information on her. He said she's a 19 year old girl who has a great personality. When he noticed I was feeling insecure about it, he assured me that he loves me and she's only a friend.

 

My husband and his office had a party at a restaurant and he brought me with him. He was excited to introduce me to the girl because he said I would love her. I admit, she was very kind, funny, and was just overall fun to talk to. But I can't help hating her. When my husband saw her, he greeted her by kissing her on the cheek and hugging her, which I think was almost a form of cheating. When my husband introduced her to me, she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek which I thought was fake.

 

My husband went on a medical mission to a poor area in our state and he brought a few of his work colleagues including this girl to help him. He even sat next to her on the bus the whole way going there and took pictures with her and posted them on Instagram. Even though they were innocent pictures, I was just bugged by it.

 

When he got home I was furious. He bought me flowers as a surprise and I threw them on the floor. I yelled at him and told him that he wasn't allowed to have female friends who were more attractive than me, let alone be so close to them. He told me that he would never replace me with someone else and that she was just a close friend. He also told me that she's going through a lot of personal problems with her family, like she has a stepdad who is verbally abusive towards her, and he wanted to help her because she doesn't have anyone to open up to. I told him not to help other women except for me.

 

So we argued a lot that night and I asked him if he thought she was beautiful and he said yes. I asked him if he thought she was physically prettier than me, and I told him to be honest. He said, "Honesty is important in our marriage and I would never lie to you. Yes, she is physically prettier than you, but it doesn't mean anything. I love you because you have a beautiful personality and you have great qualities, and that's what's more important to me." He tried to hug me and say he was sorry that he made me feel this way but I told him to f*** off and I walked out of the room.

 

I've talked to some of my friends about this, and they told me that I am overreacting and that my out of control jealousy is going to drive my husband away. They tell me that he's not doing anything wrong and that I'm lucky to have a husband who is kind and honest to me.

 

It just bugged me that he said she was physically prettier than me. I know that he loves me for my personality, but I don't really care about that, I want to be PRETTIER.

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do?

[xxoo]

Confidence is so much more attractive than insecurity and jealousy.

 

Why does it matter at all who is prettier? If doesn't translate to more desirable.

 

Is he actually doing anything inappropriate? Being kind to a pretty young woman doesn't qualify.

[ComingInHot]

Your husband has poor boundaries. If you're uncomfortable then he should be sensitive to that and cut off the "friendship " w/the younger, hotter little girl as it's his job to protect you and your Marriage first.

Second, think about counseling for yourself. There will always be a younger, hotter woman but you are unique and beautiful just as you are. Be happy with yourself and respect the beauty of others. *

If you think he has or is cheating, find out, decide what you want to do, confront him & totally have her fired regardless...

[ExpatInItaly]

You are insanely insecure and putting him in no-win situations by posing ridiculous questions about her and your looks. What did you honestly expect to achieve by asking him that?

 

You also sound ungrateful - throwing his flowers on the flower and screaming at him is vile and immature. That is a truly ugly trait.

[angie2443]

 

 

 

My husband went on a medical mission to a poor area in our state and he brought a few of his work colleagues including this girl to help him. He even sat next to her on the bus the whole way going there and took pictures with her and posted them on Instagram. Even though they were innocent pictures, I was just bugged by it.

 

When he got home I was furious. He bought me flowers as a surprise and I threw them on the floor. I yelled at him and told him that he wasn't allowed to have female friends who were more attractive than me, let alone be so close to them. He told me that he would never replace me with someone else and that she was just a close friend. He also told me that she's going through a lot of personal problems with her family, like she has a stepdad who is verbally abusive towards her, and he wanted to help her because she doesn't have anyone to open up to. I told him not to help other women except for me.

 

 

 

This is the part I'd feel unconfortable with. I've seen so many affairs on LS and RL that started with an older man trying to help a younger woman in a vulnerable situation. Otherwise, there is not much to go on. Just listen to your gut, if you find him acting differant towards her than he does towards his other work mates, then maybe it's time for concern. When you say they are close friends, do they hang out a lot? How do they share their friendship.

Edited October 11, 2014 by angie2443

[lollipopspot]

he recently hired a medical assistant who turned out to be this light haired, petite, and beautiful Russian girl who is about 20 years younger than me. One day I picked up my husband from work and I saw him talking to her, and that's when I saw her for the first time, and I was hit with jealousy at how beautiful she was. I badgered him with information on her. He said she's a 19 year old girl who has a great personality. When he noticed I was feeling insecure about it, he assured me that he loves me and she's only a friend.

 

"Only a friend?" I find that a weird thing to say, and if accurate points to some possible boundary issues. At this point she's AN EMPLOYEE first, not a "friend."

 

When he got home I was furious. He bought me flowers as a surprise and I threw them on the floor. I yelled at him and told him that he wasn't allowed to have female friends who were more attractive than me, let alone be so close to them. He told me that he would never replace me with someone else and that she was just a close friend.

 

"Just a close friend?" A 19 year old employee? Again, I'd find that problematic. He should be describing her as a young, preferably competent employee who works in his office. That's pretty much it.

 

But your way of dealing with this is immature. You threw the flowers on the floor? You insist he can't have prettier "friends" (why are you both buying into this that his 19 year old employee is correctly defined as his friend)? Do you think so little of him, or is he so shallow, that physical attraction is the most important quality to him? Your competitiveness about female attractiveness is troublesome. Do you have children or want them? This would set a terrible example for daughters.

 

So we argued a lot that night and I asked him if he thought she was beautiful and he said yes. I asked him if he thought she was physically prettier than me, and I told him to be honest. He said, "Honesty is important in our marriage and I would never lie to you. Yes, she is physically prettier than you, but it doesn't mean anything. I love you because you have a beautiful personality and you have great qualities, and that's what's more important to me." He tried to hug me and say he was sorry that he made me feel this way but I told him to f*** off and I walked out of the room.

 

You know she's beautiful, why do you need to make him say it? He made a big mistake by even entertaining your question, and you made a big mistake by asking it.

 

You would better have simply expressed your insecurity and let him express his devotion to you, and then had a discussion about your relationship and boundaries with others.

 

Then once again you threw a tantrum.

 

I've talked to some of my friends about this, and they told me that I am overreacting and that my out of control jealousy is going to drive my husband away. They tell me that he's not doing anything wrong and that I'm lucky to have a husband who is kind and honest to me.

 

You are going to drive him away, if you don't get your reactions under control. Other than telling his jealous wife that someone was prettier and calling his new employee a close friend, I don't know if he's done anything wrong because I don't see the way that he interacts with her, but I'm assuming that you're ramping up the heat with no light, from from what you write.

 

It just bugged me that he said she was physically prettier than me. I know that he loves me for my personality, but I don't really care about that, I want to be PRETTIER.

 

You've got to realize how petty and immature this makes you seem. Do you think the primary value of a woman is appearance?

 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do?

 

Yeah, I think you are wrong for how you view your own gender with this kind of appearance-based competition. It's very jr. high school. Whether you're wrong for thinking your husband may be out of bounds I don't know.

 

What should you do? Get counseling from a woman therapist and work on yourself, your jealousy, your communication skills, and your relationship to other women and appearance.

[angie2443]

"Only a friend?" I find that a weird thing to say, and if accurate points to some possible boundary issues. At this point she's AN EMPLOYEE first, not a "friend."

 

 

 

"Just a close friend?" A 19 year old employee? Again, I'd find that problematic. He should be describing her as a young, preferably competent employee who works in his office. That's pretty much it.

 

.

 

Had your husband described her as a competent employee rather than a close friend who he wanted to help, would you have reacted the same?

[WomenWubber]

"Am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do?"

 

You're not wrong for feeling that way. You're wrong for acting on these feelings in the way you did.

 

When you see the wrong in your actions, apologize. Let your husband know how you feel about this situation. He should care.

[Mr. Lucky]

I guarantee you I know 10 women prettier than her.

 

How many of them are lucky enough to be married to your husband ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Alexandra_24]

Well to be honest, at first he DID say that she was just an employee, but that still bothered me. After she was working in his office for a long time, that's when he referred to her as a friend. He is close to other of his employees as well, and he is friends with a lot of them.

 

But even if they weren't friends, I don't want him to even be AROUND women who are prettier than me because that isn't fair to our marriage. Even though she's competent and even though her and my husband weren't friends, he should have fired her because he shouldn't hire people who are more attractive than his wife.

[lollipopspot]

Well to be honest, at first he DID say that she was just an employee, but that still bothered me. After she was working in his office for a long time, that's when he referred to her as a friend. He is close to other of his employees as well, and he is friends with a lot of them.

 

But even if they weren't friends, I don't want him to even be AROUND women who are prettier than me because that isn't fair to our marriage. Even though she's competent and even though her and my husband weren't friends, he should have fired her because he shouldn't hire people who are more attractive than his wife.

 

In your first post you say "he recently hired a medical assistant," and now you say that she has been working there "a long time." That matters, in terms of his fondness for her, but she is still an employee first.

 

Honestly, your post reads like a caricature of a jealous wife, not real, but I'll go with what is written.

 

Are you by chance from another country and english isn't your first language?

 

It's not reasonable that he would not be around attractive women. There are always going to be more attractive women (and what are you going to do as you age?). I understand that it kicks up a kind of primal competitiveness in you, but you have to cultivate a different perspective and learn to value women differently than you do now (on other than their appearance), or you're going to have a miserable time of it.

 

What do you think is special or valuable about you other than your appearance?

[Alexandra_24]

I'm originally from Colombia. English isn't my first language, Spanish is. I think that a husband should love his wife's beauty, but personality isn't all that important. But don't you think it was rude for my husband to say she was prettier? I know it was honest, but a husband should think his wife is the most PHYSICALLY beautiful woman in the world. Should I tell my husband to fire her? He says she's a good worker though... But shouldn't he listen to me and HIS WIFE should come before his job?

[angie2443]

In your first post you say "he recently hired a medical assistant," and now you say that she has been working there "a long time." That matters, in terms of his fondness for her, but she is still an employee first.

 

Honestly, your post reads like a caricature of a jealous wife, not real, but I'll go with what is written.

 

 

I was just about to say the same thing, but you beat me to it.

[lollipopspot]

I'm originally from Colombia. English isn't my first language, Spanish is. I think that a husband should love his wife's beauty, but personality isn't all that important. But don't you think it was rude for my husband to say she was prettier? I know it was honest, but a husband should think his wife is the most PHYSICALLY beautiful woman in the world. Should I tell my husband to fire her? He says she's a good worker though... But shouldn't he listen to me and HIS WIFE should come before his job?

 

O.k. - that's the missing piece - you are from Columbia. I understand the difference in perspective. A lot of us don't think about female appearance and the female role in the US in that same way.

 

I already said I think he oughtn't to have engaged your question, and I don't think you should have asked it either. He definitely did not answer it in the best way, and that's a shame, but try not to ask those questions again. There will indeed be more attractive women than you, or than her. That's reality. What anyone does about that, or the importance they place on that quality in relationships, is what counts, not the fact of being more attractive.

 

I don't think he should fire her. It's not her fault for being attractive. Firing her is a separate issue from putting his wife before his job or any other woman. His only obligation about that is to not flirt with her, sleep with her, or grant special favors beyond the employer/employee relationship.

 

Do you trust him? Do you think he will cheat on you?

[whichwayisup]

My husband is a doctor and he recently hired a medical assistant

And she's 19, very young, so it's very doubtful he's gonna put his career at risk by having an affair with someone he hired. He'd be real stupid and cocky to do that, as well as the fact he's married.

 

There are a few issues going on, your jealously and also him for just being a stupid big goof by saying she was prettier than you physically. That's one thing he should have kept to himself as he's just made you feel more insecure than you already are.

 

You need to work on your self esteem and not judge your H's friends by their looks. He could have an affair with someone ugly, short and fat. if he is gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat regardless if she's prettier or not. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, so do not read into what i wrote. He's just an idiot who's handled this badly.

 

He needs to put boundaries up and also not refer to her 'as a close' friend. He is her employer and he can be nice, but in 'boss' kind of way and not get too personal.

[whichwayisup]

I'm originally from Colombia. English isn't my first language, Spanish is. I think that a husband should love his wife's beauty, but personality isn't all that important. But don't you think it was rude for my husband to say she was prettier? I know it was honest, but a husband should think his wife is the most PHYSICALLY beautiful woman in the world. Should I tell my husband to fire her? He says she's a good worker though... But shouldn't he listen to me and HIS WIFE should come before his job?

 

You married a Doctor. You should come first before all his friends, but work - well, he has oath and depending on what kind of Dr he is, on call etc., he can't say no when he has to go work.

 

If a person marries a Dr, a fire fighter, cop, paramedic, serves in the army - THOSE jobs come first before everything and everybody else. That's why it takes a patient, strong and special person, an independent person to be married to someone in those particular jobs.

 

Yes it was rude of your husband to actually admit that out loud, he's a fool for saying it.

 

Bolded - You truly believe that looks are more important than personality?

[lollipopspot]

OP,

 

look up Hugh Grant/Divine Brown/Elizabeth Hurley. A man can be with a beautiful woman - Liz Hurley was among the most beautiful women in the world - and still cheat, and cheat with someone far, far less attractive.

 

Beauty is not everything. You could eliminate all the beautiful woman, and still have a man who cheats. You need to find and value other qualities in your relationship.

[Alexandra_24]

I really don't think my husband will cheat, but I just can't stand the fact that an attractive woman is around him and I hate that he thinks she's pretty. When you're married, you shouldn't even find other people attractive, it should only be your partner.

 

Don't you think he should have lied and said I was prettier? My friends tell me that I should appreciate his honesty and they told me that they guarantee that if he lied and said no to my question, I would have got angry and accused him of lying.

 

He shouldn't be nice to other women and he shouldn't be giving them advice on family problems. If they're not attractive, it's ok. But it they are, then he shouldn't even be paying any attention to them or be around them.

 

Yes, beauty is the most important thing. My husband said that even though there are girls prettier than me, he chose me for my personality. But the beauty should be the factor in why he loves me, I don't want to have a nice "personality" I want to be prettier...

[Alexandra_24]

My husband is a psychologist so that's why he is giving advice to this girl on family problems, but he SHOULDN'T because he can't be nice to attractive women!!!

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, beauty is the most important thing. My husband said that even though there are girls prettier than me, he chose me for my personality. But the beauty should be the factor in why he loves me, I don't want to have a nice "personality" I want to be prettier...

 

Assuming you live a long, happy and healthy life, what happens when you get old? Wrinkles occur, parts sag, hair thins. How will you be prettier ???

[Alexandra_24]

This is the part I'd feel unconfortable with. I've seen so many affairs on LS and RL that started with an older man trying to help a younger woman in a vulnerable situation. Otherwise, there is not much to go on. Just listen to your gut, if you find him acting differant towards her than he does towards his other work mates, then maybe it's time for concern. When you say they are close friends, do they hang out a lot? How do they share their friendship.

 

My husband is a psychologist so that's why he is giving advice to this girl on family problems, but he SHOULDN'T because he can't be nice to attractive women!!!

[Alexandra_24]

I'm not answering any more questions about if I think beauty is the most important thing because we're getting off topic.

 

Can we just talk about how much of a jerk my husband is for treating me with way?

[Allumere]

I'm not answering any more questions about if I think beauty is the most important thing because we're getting off topic.

 

Can we just talk about how much of a jerk my husband is for treating me with way?

 

You are 100% wrong, acting like a spoiled selfish brat, and if you continue to act like this your husband will leave you. I realize there may be some cultural differences but at this moment I sure am glad I wasn't raised to be so insecure and childish. If you can't understand that love, real love and relationships are built on so much more than just bring pretty then you really don't bring much to the table. I would strongly suggest couples therapy and your own therapy because you aren't going to let this go and it will fester and ruin everything.

[still_an_Angel]

 

But even if they weren't friends, I don't want him to even be AROUND women who are prettier than me because that isn't fair to our marriage. Even though she's competent and even though her and my husband weren't friends, he should have fired her because he shouldn't hire people who are more attractive than his wife.

 

I think that a husband should love his wife's beauty, but personality isn't all that important. But don't you think it was rude for my husband to say she was prettier? I know it was honest, but a husband should think his wife is the most PHYSICALLY beautiful woman in the world. Should I tell my husband to fire her? He says she's a good worker though... But shouldn't he listen to me and HIS WIFE should come before his job?

 

 

 

 

Wow from which planet is your thinking coming from? Do you seriously believe your husband should fire her for being prettier than you??? You need a shake up and a dose of reality. THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A GIRL PRETTIER THAN YOU, whether working with your husband or not.

Edited October 11, 2014 by still_an_Angel
corrected spelling

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not answering any more questions about if I think beauty is the most important thing because we're getting off topic.

 

Can we just talk about how much of a jerk my husband is for treating me with way?

 

*Not sure if real*