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Husband's Inappropriate Text Msgs


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So I am a newb here, not to marriage though. 14+ years, 2 kids. Need some advice on if I am blowing this out of proportion or what you would feel like in my shoes.

 

Have a great marriage, we get it on all the time so no problems downstairs. However, my husband passed out last weekend and his phone was blowing up with texts from his friends. I picked it up and saw his friend address him, and said "yeah dude, you could, just dump the wife and kids."

 

Naturally this got my attention so I started looking at the text message. His friend (there are 5 guys on this group text) sent a pic of a naked girl, and my husband responded with "so depressed I am to old to get a girl like that anymore, put the gun in my mouth now." He is 40 by the way. So I was pissed at that point, little hurt. But then I started scrolling up when I found...

 

My husband recalling a sexual encounter to his friends on this text message in graphic detail. This was before we got married, and he talked about, in detail, his fingers in some girls who-haw, and how his friend joined in and how he couldn't close the deal alone, something to that effect as I started to get woozy.

 

So riddle me this folks, if this was you, would you be pissed off? I am a pretty free person sexually, don't care about naked pics, fondle yourself to your hearts content, porn, whatever. But recalling sexual experiences you had vividly, with your boys, years later. Is this normal married man behavior? I need to be enlightened because I can't decide if I should cry or hit him on the head with a blunt object.

 

Appreciate your thoughts and advice.

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So riddle me this folks, if this was you, would you be pissed off?

Yes.

 

Is this normal married man behavior?

No.

 

And yes, I'm a married man.

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This is how men talk to each other. Girls have girl speak. This is guy speak. Men talk to other men on ways that women will never approve of, but it happens.

 

If he didn't text it, they would have had the same conversation in person, if all 5 of them.were sitting around drinking.

 

 

Sorry for being honest.

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This is how men talk to each other. Girls have girl speak. This is guy speak. Men talk to other men on ways that women will never approve of, but it happens.

 

If he didn't text it, they would have had the same conversation in person, if all 5 of them.were sitting around drinking.

 

 

Sorry for being honest.

 

Sigh, men suck seriously. LOL. I kid, I kid.

 

I appreciate the honesty and your point of view.

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sdrawkcaB ssA
So I am a newb here, not to marriage though. 14+ years, 2 kids. Need some advice on if I am blowing this out of proportion or what you would feel like in my shoes.

 

Have a great marriage, we get it on all the time so no problems downstairs. However, my husband passed out last weekend and his phone was blowing up with texts from his friends. I picked it up and saw his friend address him, and said "yeah dude, you could, just dump the wife and kids."

 

Naturally this got my attention so I started looking at the text message. His friend (there are 5 guys on this group text) sent a pic of a naked girl, and my husband responded with "so depressed I am to old to get a girl like that anymore, put the gun in my mouth now." He is 40 by the way. So I was pissed at that point, little hurt. But then I started scrolling up when I found...

 

My husband recalling a sexual encounter to his friends on this text message in graphic detail. This was before we got married, and he talked about, in detail, his fingers in some girls who-haw, and how his friend joined in and how he couldn't close the deal alone, something to that effect as I started to get woozy.

 

So riddle me this folks, if this was you, would you be pissed off? I am a pretty free person sexually, don't care about naked pics, fondle yourself to your hearts content, porn, whatever. But recalling sexual experiences you had vividly, with your boys, years later. Is this normal married man behavior? I need to be enlightened because I can't decide if I should cry or hit him on the head with a blunt object.

 

Appreciate your thoughts and advice.

 

I have been around guys who will chat like that between each other, in no harm to what he truly feels.

 

That is why I don't have many male friends, just not my nature to be immature like that.

 

Though, I would go by what he is like with you, loving, caring, considerate, understanding and so on. If it is his nature to be that way, being that you know some of his adventures before you got married, then no sense in expecting him not to be open in jesting with the guys.

 

I could say how I would have handled it as for replying, but we are comparing two diff mind sets. Again it is all about how he treats you and what you want and need from him as your man.

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I have been around guys who will chat like that between each other, in no harm to what he truly feels.

 

That is why I don't have many male friends, just not my nature to be immature like that.

 

Though, I would go by what he is like with you, loving, caring, considerate, understanding and so on. If it is his nature to be that way, being that you know some of his adventures before you got married, then no sense in expecting him not to be open in jesting with the guys.

 

I could say how I would have handled it as for replying, but we are comparing two diff mind sets. Again it is all about how he treats you and what you want and need from him as your man.

 

I honestly haven't addressed this with him yet, because I am hurt and angry. And I want to calm down so I don't scream like a crazy person. To see him talk about something like that in such a graphic way just got to me. Of course the few friends I have shared this with that are also married, say I need to put his balls in a vice, but after being married for so long I know what I think is normal behavior for me does not apply to the opposite sex.

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I honestly haven't addressed this with him yet, because I am hurt and angry. And I want to calm down so I don't scream like a crazy person. To see him talk about something like that in such a graphic way just got to me. Of course the few friends I have shared this with that are also married, say I need to put his balls in a vice, but after being married for so long I know what I think is normal behavior for me does not apply to the opposite sex.

 

Your friends give terrible advice.

 

 

 

The story wasn't about you, I'm assuming? If it was, I completely understand you being mad.

 

 

If it wasn't about you, you shouldn't be angry. This was something that happened to him in the past. Its a piece of the sum total of his life and experiences, one which he shared with his friends

 

 

It would be unreasonable to demand that he wipe away any memories of things he did while younger. It would also be unfair to try and put rules on what he can and can't talk about with his friends.

 

 

Let's do a little role reversal. You've NEVER once talked about past sexual excursions with your girl friends? Never?

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Your friends give terrible advice.

 

 

 

The story wasn't about you, I'm assuming? If it was, I completely understand you being mad.

 

 

If it wasn't about you, you shouldn't be angry. This was something that happened to him in the past. Its a piece of the sum total of his life and experiences, one which he shared with his friends

 

 

It would be unreasonable to demand that he wipe away any memories of things he did while younger. It would also be unfair to try and put rules on what he can and can't talk about with his friends.

 

 

Let's do a little role reversal. You've NEVER once talked about past sexual excursions with your girl friends? Never?

 

I didn't demand anything of him. He doesn't even know I know about this. I just don't think it's appropriate to talk about what he did with a hookup in that kind of detail. He slept with her fine but talking about body parts, fingers, positions come on.

 

And role reversal sure, my friends and I never talk about our past sexual encounters in that detail. The past is the past for me. Suzy remember when John was balls deep in ya? No, my girls don't talk about stuff like that.

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I didn't demand anything of him. He doesn't even know I know about this. I just don't think it's appropriate to talk about what he did with a hookup in that kind of detail. He slept with her fine but talking about body parts, fingers, positions come on.

 

And role reversal sure, my friends and I never talk about our past sexual encounters in that detail. Suzy remember when John was balls deep in ya? No, my girls don't talk about stuff like that.

 

Are you able to objectively look at your situation? Sometimes that can be tough.

 

 

Where I sit, wanting to ask someone to change the way they interact with their friends or the things they discuss seems a little... controlling.

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I'm on the fence on this one, but I'm leaning over to the side with keenly. I mean he's right....your husband wasn't talking bad about you at all. He was having a "man" conversation with his boys.

 

We do it too. ****, even my 78 year old mom was talking about the time she had a couple glasses of wine and went "downtown". At first I was shocked and appalled....but then I couldn't stop laughing because it was my 78 year old mother.

 

There's just some things you're not meant to see or hear. The important thing to note is how does he treat you otherwise and does he try to ruffle his feathers in front of his boys when you are around?

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Are you able to objectively look at your situation? Sometimes that can be tough.

 

 

Where I sit, wanting to ask someone to change the way they interact with their friends or the things they discuss seems a little... controlling.

 

I am here asking for opinions so I don't let my emotions get the best of me. Are you married, do you have children? It's tough to see your spouse reminiscing about hooking up with some girl 20 years later.

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I'm on the fence on this one, but I'm leaning over to the side with keenly. I mean he's right....your husband wasn't talking bad about you at all. He was having a "man" conversation with his boys.

 

We do it too. ****, even my 78 year old mom was talking about the time she had a couple glasses of wine and went "downtown". At first I was shocked and appalled....but then I couldn't stop laughing because it was my 78 year old mother.

 

There's just some things you're not meant to see or hear. The important thing to note is how does he treat you otherwise and does he try to ruffle his feathers in front of his boys when you are around?

 

One that's hilarious about your mom. And two, I agree, I wish I never picked up that phone. I'm a pretty laid back person hence why I am trying to decide if I want to tell him I saw the text or just let it go.

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sdrawkcaB ssA
I honestly haven't addressed this with him yet, because I am hurt and angry. And I want to calm down so I don't scream like a crazy person. To see him talk about something like that in such a graphic way just got to me. Of course the few friends I have shared this with that are also married, say I need to put his balls in a vice, but after being married for so long I know what I think is normal behavior for me does not apply to the opposite sex.

 

I see you have the right to be mad... but like I said, some men have a different mind set to be boys to each other. My humor can be very unnerving but not all the time. I can see how he was being mean in playing with the boys. Just if you go in expecting, you will end up not understanding. So taking time to clear your mind is the best you can do, until you talk face to face about it.

 

Again, there are things a man will do to upset you as all women know. If there is question that you are not satisfied with your relationship, this will be proof, in how it undermines it. Not that I am expecting anything more than a proper discussion with your husband.

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One that's hilarious about your mom. And two, I agree, I wish I never picked up that phone. I'm a pretty laid back person hence why I am trying to decide if I want to tell him I saw the text or just let it go.

 

I get that it bothers you, it would bother me too which is why I'm on the fence. It certainly wouldn't hurt to let him know you saw what you saw.....I mean, communication is key - right?

 

If it were me, I would say "I know boys will be boys, but I saw your conversation and it hurt my feelings..."

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I get the whole "men will be men" thing, but I personally find it disingenuous to be one person with my wife and another person when I'm with my friends. Maybe that's just me, but I would question which person is genuine?

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I guess I'm the only person that finds it unnerving to see the desire of some one to request or insist that the conversations they have with friends be altered or limited on topics that are unrelated to the original party.

 

 

I guess I'm the only person who believes in a spouses right to be themselves around their friends .

 

 

I'll go ahead and duck out now.

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Yes, if be pissed.

 

He's totally disrespectful and not participating as if he respects or enjoys being married.

 

I'd say he's acting like a 20 year old immature brat.

 

If have to say counseling may help him gain a new attitude about what respecting and honoring marriage looks like.

 

By the way - his friends suck!

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I would be upset but would also know the fault was on me for snooping.

 

I probably would not bring it up but if I did it would be apologizing for that first.

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I would be upset but would also know the fault was on me for snooping.

 

I probably would not bring it up but if I did it would be apologizing for that first.

 

Ok I don't think its snooping, we use each others phone's all the time. He has read my texts before too. And if you saw a text message on the main screen, that said <insert my husbands name> dump your wife and kids, you telling me you wouldn't read that?

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I'd be pissed but I probably would have calmed down to hurt by the time my husband woke up.

 

Stupid cracks about leaving the wife (or the old ball & chain) are some stupid male language. I know men who are the greatest dads & husbands (mine included) who say dumb crap like this when they talk to the boys.

 

I would be a bit more concerned that he may think you aren't enough for him or that he's having a mid life crisis (based upon the crack about not being able to get a young girl because he's too old)

 

Bottom line: I don't think your marriage is in trouble but you could cause trouble if you come at him guns blazing.

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Have a great marriage, we get it on all the time so no problems downstairs. However, my husband passed out last weekend and his phone was blowing up with texts from his friends. I picked it up and saw his friend address him, and said "yeah dude, you could, just dump the wife and kids."

 

Naturally this got my attention so I started looking at the text message. His friend (there are 5 guys on this group text) sent a pic of a naked girl, and my husband responded with "so depressed I am to old to get a girl like that anymore, put the gun in my mouth now." He is 40 by the way. So I was pissed at that point, little hurt. But then I started scrolling up when I found...

 

My husband recalling a sexual encounter to his friends on this text message in graphic detail. This was before we got married, and he talked about, in detail, his fingers in some girls who-haw, and how his friend joined in and how he couldn't close the deal alone, something to that effect as I started to get woozy.

 

 

Appreciate your thoughts and advice.

 

This is so disrespectful to you. I've been around various groups of men. They do not all talk and joke in such an immature and disrespectful about their partners. You know the saying "birds of a feather flock together"? It's often true. Men who are immature and disrespectul towards their wives, even if they hide the disrespect and only show it to their friends, are more likely to hang with other men who don't respect their partners. If I found what you found, my view of my husband would change. I'd loose trust in the man he shows himself to me to be and I'd see his friends as a negative influence on my husband.

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I'd be pissed but I probably would have calmed down to hurt by the time my husband woke up.

 

Stupid cracks about leaving the wife (or the old ball & chain) are some stupid male language. I know men who are the greatest dads & husbands (mine included) who say dumb crap like this when they talk to the boys.

 

I would be a bit more concerned that he may think you aren't enough for him or that he's having a mid life crisis (based upon the crack about not being able to get a young girl because he's too old)

 

Bottom line: I don't think your marriage is in trouble but you could cause trouble if you come at him guns blazing.

 

Thanks, those are some of the exact thoughts going through my head. Ironically, I know the stereotype of women about how we overshare feelings and want to talk about flowers and crap all the time, but thats not really my personality. I tend to internalize then blow up later, or just never say anything at all and let it go.

 

I don't think I can let this go, at least without telling him how I am hurt. But your right, I don't want to blow up and say some even worse things that will just make matters worse.

 

I guess I am still just shocked that I saw this behavior come out of him. My 1st instinct was to look down at myself and what I am doing wrong, but its really just his immature actions that led us here. Just sucks.

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This is so disrespectful to you. I've been around various groups of men. They do not all talk and joke in such an immature and disrespectful about their partners. You know the saying "birds of a feather flock together"? It's often true. Men who are immature and disrespectul towards their wives, even if they hide the disrespect and only show it to their friends, are more likely to hang with other men who don't respect their partners. If I found what you found, my view of my husband would change. I'd loose trust in the man he shows himself to me to be and I'd see his friends as a negative influence on my husband.

 

Thanks Angie. Gosh, I totally agree with you on the friends. I saw some things in there that I wish I could erase in my mind. And these guys are married to some of my best girlfriends. The very same girlfriends that told me to chop of his balls. I would never say anything of course to them about that, not my business. But from what I did see, mine is the only one that strolled down memory lane so candidly, the others just make dirty comments about women, really nasty comments, but not what they did to said women.

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I would be incredibly hurt by the comments about not being to get a woman like that anymore. IMO, it was very stupid and insensitive for him to make a comment like that, whether in conversation or by text. But what sucks more, and matters more, is that he thinks it :(

 

Respect is important to me, and I'd feel very disrespected. We'd be having a "come to jesus" conversation regarding his satisfaction in the relationship, and why he would say things like that when he has a wife who puts effort into being good to him.

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