I am so tired.

[Bonbonette]

i came here after a search on the web about how to deal with my partner... I was trying to understand why he likes to put me down all the time, never compliments me for anything right or good I do and twists every single thing I say to put the blame on me, or assumes I'm feeling, thinking, doing things I am not.

 

First, I'm sorry if I write wrong or misspell words but English is not my native language. I'm so desperate for help because I can't stand the pain anymore. It's been a long time since I could speak and share my feelings with him without a fight. He seems to hate me and the way I feel is like I'm the worst person in the world to him, and I still don't know what we are doing together anymore. I'm with him for a year now and I feel like my self esteem is totally crushed.

 

I'm living with him in another country and at the moment I'm a stay-at-home wife. We don't have kids. I'm a professional and I'm not working because of my visa permits, and this situation is going on for almost 9 months now. The lifestyle bothers me and I'm aware this is temporary. He is working full time and is too bothered because I am not working. Our home is always neat, clean and I help him financially even being unemployed.

 

This month, after a hard time, we could settle in a new nice house and he could get a new car, things he wanted for so long. Life in general seems almost perfect, the routine at home is healthy, calm and what I call pleasant. But even with everything going well he seems depressed and is always complaining about life and how he feels empty and etc. He changed lately, and started to ignore me and give much more attention to the dogs instead. I feel like a shadow, an unwanted one wandering here. These things are hurting me very much, because I literally live for him and to take care of his two dogs, and he doesn't seem to realize how much love plus mental and physical efforts it takes.

 

Yesterday, he started venting he didn't feel well, so I asked him to share his thoughts... After a hard time we had in a recent past, I thought finally we could settle and enjoy our current life statuses... Bills are paid, things are ok... But he's never happy. This crushed me down a bit because it seems all efforts I make are worth nothing. I asked him calmly to talk about this last night, without any kind of accusation... I was saying to him, as he was having his freedom to vent he was unhappy with his life, that I am unhappy with mine too even if materially it's doing well; I miss working a full time job, and that life inside a house doing homework all day and cleaning his dogs' mess and worrying about his feelings all the time was extremely tiring to me(because it's all I do, I don't think about myself anymore, eventually when I do I get this depressing feeling of talking To the man I wanted to be my best friend but I know it will end up on a fight). That I was tired of worrying so much if I'm doing things right or wrong, because he criticizes every single mistake I make and I was trying my best to be perfect to fulfill his expectations, but this was not what I wanted as the center of my life. It wasn't his fault, I said clearly that I was just sharing a feeling and was not criticizing him, but he snapped terribly and started what he always do... Screaming at me, blaming me for things I don't do, saying I'm feeling things I'm not... Only God knows how much tired of this I am, how can I argue with someone like this? I said to him I can't take it anymore. There's no way to communicate with him at all. Silence hurts me. Talking sweet never works, talking loud is even worse. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking in leaving him for good. Starting doubting my sanity and skills, my memory, my personality.

 

He had drug problems years ago and went to rehab for two years... He has a VERY short temper, screams with drivers all the time when driving for EVERYTHING, talks bad about everybody at his work, a few days pass and he's good with them again... Very bad relationship with his dad, a very submissive mother, impulsive behavior... I wanted to share my suffering here because I'm feeling terribly alone right now and wanted to see if someone can tell me what can I do to help this thing work... Or not? I don't know anymore.

[oldshirt]

I wanted to share my suffering here because I'm feeling terribly alone right now and wanted to see if someone can tell me what can I do to help this thing work... Or not? I don't know anymore.

 

 

 

So are you basically asking us if we have any advice on how to change him into a good, kind, happy, healthy person that treats you well??

 

 

Because if you are, we can't help you with that. He is who and what he is.

 

 

We can't change him and you can't change him.

 

 

Why do you even want to be around him? he sounds like a not very good person.

 

 

There are over 3 billion men in the world, the vast majority of whom are good, nice people that treat other people well. Why don't you leave this guy and find a nice one?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think it's clear that he's unhappy with his life and he's also not happy in this relationship.

 

Many women tend to like to "fix" things. This is obviously a person with a lot of personal issues and struggles, why you alone...with "love" think you are able to resolve that is unrealistic. People can't fix other peoples problems, but that's a lesson many women learn the hard-way, but it's their own stubbornness, pride or insecurity that keeps them putting up with it for far too long.

 

He's not communicating with you because he doesn't know how to without anger, he doesn't talk to you because he doesn't like or want to answer the questions you are asking. It doesn't matter how you go about necessarily, because ultimately you're asking the same questions that are pissing him off at the end of the day.

 

Furthermore you've been a push-over and allowed him to walk over you...at this point you've created such a pattern and routine by allowing this behavior to occur (by staying with him) you've shown him that this is an acceptable way to behave or treat you...regardless of what your words say, your actions speak much more quietly, you have tolerated it, you have in an indirect way, enabled his behavior...you have become his enabling force to expel his anger and frustration, you are his emotional punching bag.

 

He's in a situation likely where he feels he can't live with you or without you. I think the situation is too much for him to handle, I think to a point he wants to be with you just maybe not like this, maybe not this close and in each others personal space...I don't think he's ready for this relationship at the level you desire at all, he's not even close.

 

A guy like him chooses to be with a woman not because he wants her, but because he needs her...he needs her to cope and deal with his own personal issues. So it's not about as much about love as it is dependency...he sees love as a dependency, but he's not thinking or considering what you are missing/lacking or not getting out of it.

 

 

He doesn't know how to handle or manage this situation, so he just gets frustrated. It's likely very normal for him to be at odd ends with people in his life as he often has troubles with them, but he gets over it because he is required to maintain that social respect and he also gets his space...with you he's just in your face 24 hours a day 7 days a week...it's not your fault but he doesn't understand the sacrifice and the way that you feel, he doesn't seem to understand what it's like to be in your shoes.

 

This is going to leave you very weak, desperate and vulnerable to what he doesn't provide...you are going to feel every withdraw and ounce of support missing in this relationship. You might not feel like you have anyone to depend on, and you are likely hoping it would be him to provide you with all your needs or at least most of them...but that's not the kind of man you are with and that's not the kind of man most men can be...you need to be able to take care of yourself, to a degree as well. Unfortunately that will take time before you get to a place where you can do that, so for now your dependency on him will continue to hurt until you do that for yourself.

 

There is no magical solution or resolution to these problems...everybody would like to mold something that isn't into something they want it to, but it's that belief that you can that leads people in circles for years and years. You need to realize he's had these problems before you and will have them after you, you are not the difference maker here, in fact you are just apart of his cycle by being in his life...what are you thinking, thinking that it would all change for you? seriously, ask yourself these questions...why did you expect it to change? what were you really expecting to happen? and then ask yourself how much sense does that all actual make...because it's completely emotional, and emotions are blind.

 

This is not going to change, I promise you that. If you leave he will beg, he will claim to change, he'll do and say the things that most people do when that time comes. But like I said, he needs you more than for his needs than he actually needs the relationship itself.

 

You only have yourself to blame for being with someone like him for a year, yes...love, love love love...the excuse for EVERYTHING...what about respect? what about compatibility? what about the health of the relationship not the superficial crap like bills, cars, houses, jobs and all that which have nothing to do with the relationship itself.

 

You need to understand people's problems are people's problems and that's what you get when you date them. Stop feeling sorry for him, stop making excuses, stop being scared, stop being a victim...YOU ARE putting yourself through this, he will not change, so do you want this for the rest of your life if nothing changed? because relationships are about now, not what they could or can be....you'll always be the fool in the relationship thinking that way, if you think you can change or alter them here and there.

 

So there's the answer, you don't have to waste 10 years of your life to figure that out...of course leaving is the hard choice and will hurt, but is that worth staying? you have to answer those questions for yourself, you can say it's all about love...but one day you'll have to take responsibility for what the choices you've made for yourself and I hope you think about that as you progress through this relationship.

[tobrieornottobrie]

Bonbonette, have you considered trying to find a marriage counselor in your area? Have you asked your husband if he would be willing to attend any sort of counseling? That may be a helpful, practical first step to take. I'll be praying for you.

 

~ for the love of food ~

[Davey L]

At least one of the points you raise I can recognise from the other side. When my wife first started living here in the UK with me she couldn't work because of her visa conditions. She got frustrated as being a full time housewife doesn't suit her temperament. When she got frustrated it easily led to stupid arguments which then turned into poor communication.

 

She clearly needed something to do to get her out of the house and I encouraged her to take classes and get some new qualifications. This was the best thing we did. She enjoyed it and we were able to do studying together in the evenings.

 

With your situation you might need to do this on your own initiative at first. Doesn't need to be classes it could be anything but preferably something that doesn't wholly exclude your husband from participating in or helping with, if or when he gets used to it and comes around.

 

It might also force your husband to see you as your own person rather than just as an adjunct to him, leading to a bit more respect from him. Certainly in our case I respected and admired my wife for what she achieved through these classes.

 

The Other issues you have I can't help with. But, fix one thing at a time then move on to the next problem.

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree. It sounds like there are a number of things going on - not least of which is he is short tempered and you're walking on eggshells.

 

But putting that aside, there are things you can do for your own happiness, and that will help raise the overall happiness in your home. Such as look for opportunities to volunteer, or take classes, or get involved in a club or social group. Relocating is difficult, especially when you are the 'trailing' spouse. I've done it myself and found that even in places that seem bereft, you can find things to enrich your life. For instance, we live in the middle east and for the first time in my life I'm taking ballet and guitar lessons because there's an opportunity here and where else would I do it? Why not! In my last posting in Africa I learned to play squash and took English riding lessons. Just because it was there.

 

You can't change others, or how they react. You can only change what you're doing and your own reaction. So what can you do today that might help make you happier and more settled?

[troubledhusband]

I understand where you're coming from. My ex-wife (separated at the moment) has gone through the same period when she had to stay home and wait for the green card to get approved before being able to start work again.

 

I felt so bad for her because she is a hard working career woman. At the time she finished undergrad and I tried to have her go for her CPA classes which she tried but got so bored of school and wanted so much to work that it almost killed our marriage.

 

I was so tiered coming home from a job I didn't like which later I changed that I used to take things out on her. Eventually all this piled up in time and few months ago and about two years later after her staying home for almost a full year she asked for a divorce. The reasons were almost the same minus that she actually never went the extra mile to make me happy, or at least I don't think she did... she might have but I haven't noticed it because I got used to it. She though I was putting her down when in fact I didn't even knew that's how she felt.

 

Evey time she tried to talk to me we would end up arguing. So much that towards the end we argued almost every day.

 

My advised to you, and this is something I wish I would have done to save my marriage, is to go out to a dinner in public and have the talk there without any arguments. Tell him a day or two ahead of time so that both of you can think about what you would like to share. Then work things out.

 

Come to a common agreement then come home and make love.

 

If he's not willing to collaborate, then the marriage is probably already over.

You can try couple therapy, but I found it not to help... it might have actually drove my marriage to a faster end as the suggestion we received was to be apart for 2 weeks. 2 weeks turned into her starting to date again and moving out. I'm not saying that all counsel session will end up here...

[2sunny]

If/since you can't expect him to change - what are you going to change to be sure this situation doesn't remain the same?