xyzisnotme Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 My dw and I seemed to come a long way and made up. I was ready to call it quits. But I am still somewhat haunted by a major white lie she told me. I don't know how to get over it. She justified it by saying I would be very upset. I did end up being upset but if she told me to begin with instead of lying to my face for months I would not have been so angry. Now that we are working things out I am still haunted by the fact that if she lied about this how can I know she is telling me the truth with other things? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Lies are bad, especially when the liar in the R justifies them by saying "you would have been upset". Duh. It almost seems like they put the blame on you for HAVING to lie. Awe, poor liars. How about you don't do things that upset your SO, and if you have to, instead of lying, why not discuss them in advance, in order to find a compromise? It's disrespectful IMO. It's like ignoring the other person's needs and acting like you're single, and then, if you get caught, telling THEM they're being unreasonable. I have never been able to forive major lies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Lies are bad, especially when the liar in the R justifies them by saying "you would have been upset". Duh. It almost seems like they put the blame on you for HAVING to lie. Awe, poor liars. How about you don't do things that upset your SO, and if you have to, instead of lying, why not discuss them in advance, in order to find a compromise? It's disrespectful IMO. It's like ignoring the other person's needs and acting like you're single, and then, if you get caught, telling THEM they're being unreasonable. I have never been able to forive major lies. Yes, my SO is always blaming me for being upset. She turns it around on me. I don't think she had a PA but now I am not sure. She probably didn't. She most definitely had some sort of EA. I just don't know. At least she is willing to have sx with me again. But maybe that's her way of pacifying me. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 It's in the cheater's handbook to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. The betrayed partner is almost never given the full truth. They only tell you what yoy already know and perhaps one bit more, just so now you think you know it all. If you discover something more, they do it again. It's so common that we call it Trickle Truth. I suspect you should be quietly investigating. Play stupid and compliant. Resist the temptation to confront. Confronting does NOTHING but give up your sources, give "them" a chance to coordinate their stories, and hide the evidence. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 Would you be willing to tell us what the lie was? (If it was a white lie, that's normally a term for something that ultimately may not be so serious or damaging, but it sounds as if it was a lot more than that....or else, why would you be posting?) Is this the same issue about her swearing on the Bible, perchance.....? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnikaRose Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 It sounds like your issue may be that she refuses to acknowledge her total wrongfulness in lying in the first place. This opens the door to your assumption that in the future she would take the same justified attitude, having not realized the severity of the original mistake. If that's true, and even if it isn't, I think you need to sit her down and make it clear you cannot move forward until she truly understands the fault is on her for not being honest to begin with, not on you for being a human capable of getting upset when you are lied to or treated poorly. It couldn't hurt you in moving on if you have this conversation. She needs to get that and know it's a huge boundary for you. It might help if we knew what the white lie was. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 (If it was a white lie, that's normally a term for something that ultimately may not be so serious or damaging, but it sounds as if it was a lot more than that....or else, why would you be posting?) Agreed, I'm confused as to why you'd be upset over this. A white lie is answering affirmatively when she asks "do you like my new hair style" when in fact you preferred the old one. I'm not even sure you can have a "major" white lie :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 29, 2014 Share Posted September 29, 2014 I don't think she had a PA but now I am not sure. She probably didn't. She most definitely had some sort of EA. I just don't know. This is how pretty much every discovery of a PA starts, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 Would you be willing to tell us what the lie was? (If it was a white lie, that's normally a term for something that ultimately may not be so serious or damaging, but it sounds as if it was a lot more than that....or else, why would you be posting?) Is this the same issue about her swearing on the Bible, perchance.....? I would like to tell you. Can I delete it once I told you? I also would not want it quoted on this thread by others so search engines don't pick it up. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I would like to tell you. Can I delete it once I told you? I also would not want it quoted on this thread by others so search engines don't pick it up. You are very welcome to send me a PM. You have my public assurance of my complete discretion and I promise you the matter will never be revealed on forum nor will it be discussed with others, via PM here, or anywhere else. Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 14, 2014 Share Posted October 14, 2014 I can PM now, but it seems you cannot....... Link to post Share on other sites
HereNorThere Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 So by your own admission, your wife has no respect for you, withholds sex as a form of manipulation, cheats and won't fully admit the details and you're concerned about a white lie? You're trying to patch a hole in a tire on a car that doesn't have an engine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 (edited) Can you be sure she won't lie to you again? No. but as you work through your reconciliation, you have to be *willing* to trust her enough to take the chance that she won't lie again. If you're not willing, there's really no point in trying to stay together because, as you say, it plagues you. Trust can be given, and trust can be earned. You gave her your trust once and she blew it. Now, she has to earn your trust back. It's not one act, but a process. Your part in this is to be very clear about what she needs to do to earn your trust. Very specific. Hourly phone calls. Giving you all her passwords. Not having male friends. Whatever it is - give her clear instructions. Then she has to decide if she's willing to try to follow those instructions. She may decide it's not worth it. Assuming she's willing to try, then the next important part is yours......YOU have to be willing to change your mind. You have to be willing to see her trying to earn your trust, and you have to slowly give her credit for that, and slowly, bit by bit, give it back to her. If you're not willing to recognize and give her credit for being trustworthy, then it will fail. So - to recap: get back to a place where you can feel safe and comfortable with one another, you need to tell what she has to do to convince you that she's trustworthy. She has to do those things, consistently and without whining about it. And then you have to recognize her effort and reward her for meeting your conditions, with, eventually, your trust. At this stage, trust isn't a gift you hand her. It's a process that you two undergo together. The question is: are you both willing to do what is necessary? Edited October 17, 2014 by Poppygoodwill Link to post Share on other sites
sdrawkcaB ssA Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 My dw and I seemed to come a long way and made up. I was ready to call it quits. But I am still somewhat haunted by a major white lie she told me. I don't know how to get over it. She justified it by saying I would be very upset. I did end up being upset but if she told me to begin with instead of lying to my face for months I would not have been so angry. Now that we are working things out I am still haunted by the fact that if she lied about this how can I know she is telling me the truth with other things? Well I had found out my SM lied about age, marriage and kids. Did it matter to me... yes, but I forgave her. Why, she had taken the time to tell me when I knew it was very difficult. To tell someone, when full trust, love and understanding has been a major part of the relationship that you lied, is allowing the other to show their hurt and acceptance. I did not find hurt in it, as our relationship had grown into things more solidly than most. I was grateful to have such a connection, so I found no disappointment, just felt we truly trust and accept each other. No I don't recommend such a way to prove a relationship. Just, there is a bond that was tested and cannot be broken between us. We both trust each other not to have secrets ever again. In fact TMI seems to be more of an issue now than anything. HA!!! Not all women or men can be so trusting... Just I wanted to show, that lies can be forgiven, and still have no fears of lies between us in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xyzisnotme Posted October 18, 2014 Author Share Posted October 18, 2014 Great responses. Thank you. But I am A HYPOCRITE! For I am guilty of doing the same things and more!! But it was a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 Great responses. Thank you. But I am A HYPOCRITE! For I am guilty of doing the same things and more!! But it was a long time ago. Ok, it sounds like you've both had affairs. So what do you plan to do about it? Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted October 19, 2014 Share Posted October 19, 2014 I would like to tell you. Can I delete it once I told you? I also would not want it quoted on this thread by others so search engines don't pick it up. Really? How serious is this, honestly, given your statement below... Great responses. Thank you. But I am A HYPOCRITE! For I am guilty of doing the same things and more!! But it was a long time ago. Come on, come clean... And simply because it was 'a long time ago' does the time difference, or passage of time between then and now, make you less guilty? Link to post Share on other sites
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