Jump to content

3 Years Ago & I Can't Let It Go


Recommended Posts

Alright let me lay it out for you. I am in a 6 year relationship right now. 3 years ago someone else kissed me. It was my friends brother who I had chatted with on FB and even via text innocently. I definitely found him attractive.

 

One night my friend was visiting me from out of town and we went out to the bar together with one of her friends. This guy asked me what I was up to tonight and I told him what bar I was going to and he decided to come by. We were all hanging out and me and this guy danced together when he went in for the kiss.

 

I was taken by total shock and felt horrible the second it happened. I don't even remember the situation properly after so long. I guess I reciprocated the kiss slightly and that's why I feel so horrible. I ended up getting off the dance floor and sitting down. He got me water and we left. As we were walking down the street I told him I had a boyfriend. He said I should tell my boyfriend what happened but I never did. It's been three years now since the incident.

 

He message me via FB back in March being totally weird and flirty saying "hey beautiful" and wanted me to call him for some reason. I refused and ended up deleting him from my account. This triggered some feelings of guilt for me. ALSO,

 

One of my best friends got married recently and it triggered all sorts of feelings of incredible guilt. How can I get engaged or married knowing that something like this happened? I am totally in my head about this. All my closest friends say it's NOT worth mentioning because I removed myself from the situation and even cut off all contact with the guy eventually (when he kept being flirty with me)

 

It's eating at me lately. All my friends say I just need to forgive myself and there is no need to hurt my partner considering the kiss didn't go anywhere and it actually helped me avoid situations like this in the future. How do i forgive myself though? My subconscious is an evil son of a bitch.

 

HELP!! Should I tell him?

Link to post
Share on other sites

So your not engaged or married yet - but heading there? And a couple of years ago, you kissed (but not a make our session or anything) another guy ? You backed off, and cut this guy off, no contact and moved on.

 

Sounds like you slipped literally seconds - and recovered instantly.

 

You can be attracted to others. Only you can know or ask yourself the important questions about your man - the one you might marry. How you feel about him, what you think about your shared beliefs and compatibilities. Your questioning yourself is good, but I think you have to take a good long look at your feelings, love, sexual satisfactions, intimacy, trust, and compatibility with your man instead.

 

Also regret and guilt is a good healthy trait - but make sure your not using this as an out for a deeper issue with your possible engagement or marriage.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Alright let me lay it out for you. I am in a 6 year relationship right now. 3 years ago someone else kissed me. It was my friends brother who I had chatted with on FB and even via text innocently. I definitely found him attractive.

 

One night my friend was visiting me from out of town and we went out to the bar together with one of her friends. This guy asked me what I was up to tonight and I told him what bar I was going to and he decided to come by. We were all hanging out and me and this guy danced together when he went in for the kiss.

 

I was taken by total shock and felt horrible the second it happened. I don't even remember the situation properly after so long. I guess I reciprocated the kiss slightly and that's why I feel so horrible. I ended up getting off the dance floor and sitting down. He got me water and we left. As we were walking down the street I told him I had a boyfriend. He said I should tell my boyfriend what happened but I never did. It's been three years now since the incident.

 

He message me via FB back in March being totally weird and flirty saying "hey beautiful" and wanted me to call him for some reason. I refused and ended up deleting him from my account. This triggered some feelings of guilt for me. ALSO,

 

One of my best friends got married recently and it triggered all sorts of feelings of incredible guilt. How can I get engaged or married knowing that something like this happened? I am totally in my head about this. All my closest friends say it's NOT worth mentioning because I removed myself from the situation and even cut off all contact with the guy eventually (when he kept being flirty with me)

 

It's eating at me lately. All my friends say I just need to forgive myself and there is no need to hurt my partner considering the kiss didn't go anywhere and it actually helped me avoid situations like this in the future. How do i forgive myself though? My subconscious is an evil son of a bitch.

 

HELP!! Should I tell him?

 

I always find it interesting when people say some instance of cheating is 'not worth mentioning' as if it is something minor but the reason for not mentioning it is that is will be a big deal. It's either a big deal or not. Frankly, the one person who really gets to decide is your boyfriend.

 

Yes, tell him. Doing so is what will make you a woman worth staying with. If you're going to lie to him for the rest of his life, he deserves better.

 

And if he's that great of a guy, he won't want you to torture yourself with this indefinitely either. Keeping this secret will preclude real intimacy as you'll always feel you've tricked him into staying.

 

Take the short-term difficulties and open up your relationship for long-term success.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Your boyfriend will likely eventually notice that something is up, if you are so consumed with guilt. I have a feeling you won't be able to find any inner calm unless you tell him, but please be prepared for the possibility that it will cause significant problems in the relationship.

 

Your boyfriend might be willing and able to move past it, as it happened a while ago and you have removed the other guy from your life.

 

Or, he might see you as being untrustworthy for keeping the secret for so long, and wonder what else you could be hiding.

 

But could you clarify what you mean when you said you slightly reciprocated the kiss? You either turned away from him or you kissed him. Which was it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

InMyHead,

That moron on the dance floor 3 years ago was just a moron. HE invaded your space. Even if you "reciprocated the kiss slightly"...that's probably only because your brain went a bit numb before your thinking mind kicked into gear. But, as soon as you could thereafter, you did all the right things.

 

I don't see this as a case of cheating. BUT...the fact that it's still got such a hold over you would suggest that you do need to do something other than what you have been doing, about it.

 

Based on everything that you know about your future-husband, what is most likely to be his response if you say to him, "Honey, about 3 years ago some moron tried to kiss me when the two of us were dancing"? (I know that you don't know for sure, but your current best assessment is all you can go by.)

 

Unless there is more to all of it, that we're not yet privy to?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse

You can make a start by acknowledging that you invited, or participated in, the kiss. Never in my life have I somehow been caught out by a man kissing me when I wasn't expecting it. We know, we can tell. We know if we are out getting drunk and dancing with a male who isn't a longterm good or best friend, or a family member. We know when somebody gets close enough that they are able to kiss us. For me, that's too close even if they don't actually go in for the kiss. You knew things were heading this way with this guy and you went along with it, and you reciprocated even if just for five seconds. I know this because you admit you found him attractive and 'guess you must have reciprocated'.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh on you, it's to your credit you feel guilt three years later. But it's probably partially because you know deep down you invited the cheating, and yet it's too painful to admit because you can't go back and undo it however badly you want to. We all mess up.

 

Personally I think you should tell your partner, especially because you feel so guilty that it'll probably not go away. If he proposes, if you get married, you'll have in the back of your mind that you touched lips with another man and never told him.

 

I might be able to forgive a five second kiss three years ago, if I believed that's all it was. But I couldn't forgive somebody doing it and then lying to me. It's not for you to decide if this is worth ending a relationship over or how bad this is on a scale of kiss to full blown affair. It's for your partner to decide, so he has the full facts and can make a decision whether to stay with you or not or pursue somebody who won't put themselves in this situation or cross that line. Unless you just wanted us all to tell you that it wasn't too bad and please forgive yourself and move on already. But sorry, I just don't buy that this was an unforeseen event that you in no way invited or participated in.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As long as what you are saying is completely true, I'd probably just let it go. I honestly can't imagine someone having this much guilt about someone else kissing them 3 years ago, but I can assure you that the fall out from lying about it is going to be far greater than you anticipate.

 

You really want to destroy your partner over something so innocent? If it was really just a one time kiss not initiated by you and you had no feelings for the person, let it go. If you are minimizing, trickle-truthing, etc, you probably need to come clean.

 

Hopefully the guilt you are feeling will be a motivator to have stronger boundaries and future. Also, ditch the facebook account. I can assure that nothing good comes from facebook. Half the cheating post on her involve facebook in some way or form. Facebook is dead anyway. If you want to share pictures with your friends, iMessage/MMS them and keep your privacy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If your gut's telling you it's wrong to keep this a secret then tell him! It really doesn't matter whether other people think this is "worth sharing" or not. If it makes you feel bad to keep it a secret, that's all the reason you need to tell him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...