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Why are so many marriages ending in divorce?


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Classic question.

 

Also, what steps can be taken to maximize the chances of a marriage not ending in divorce?

 

Again, not relevant to me, but I am a very curious guy so I'd like to know. :)

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compulsivedancer

Lots of reasons, but one of the best I've heard is that women are no longer dependent on men, so they no longer stay in a bad relationship to protect themselves from being screwed over. Also, the stigma is much lower now (for men and women).

 

Communication, commitment and honesty. Sounds straightforward, but it isn't. There's no one size fits all, and the person you are when you get married may not be the person you are ten or twenty years down the road.

 

The other thing I keep hearing is that a good friendship seems to be a better predictor of long-term marital success than love.

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Why are so many marriages ending in divorce?

 

Neither party has compelling social, religious or financial reasons to perpetuate a commitment they might otherwise be situationally unhappy in. Happiness, and its pursuit, has become increasingly important as societies and cultures have distanced themselves from subsistence.

 

What steps can be taken to maximize the chances of a marriage not ending in divorce?

 

IMO, there aren't any guaranteed steps to a life-long union of wedded bliss. It's one day at a time stuff. That said, if you find yourself to love someone who has demonstrated, over time, that they, in general, take their commitments in life seriously and work them regardless of challenges and whims of the moment, it's more likely that they will do the same when married. Perhaps such a person might not seem as 'exciting' or 'passionate' so be on guard for the emotions attending to such situations.

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Nobody feels like compromising, sacrificing or putting another needs/wants sometimes ahead of their own, to help the other grow, and to take joy in all that....and it takes both spouses to believe and practice this.

 

They also don't know or don't care what true love and marriage really is....its the first sentence.

Edited by dichotomy
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Humans aren't really the mate for life type of animal.

 

We are serial-monogamous, meaning that we are with one person for a time, things end, then we find another person to be with a time, then things end.

 

That's pretty much how all animals on Earth get together and reproduce.

 

Humans just mucked thing up with caring about property and religion.

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A combination of reasons...

 

The most important is that humans are not biologically built to be lifetime monogamous. Yet, our society beliefs demand this. It was different several generations ago when people only lived to be in their 30's or 40's. Or even during the last generation when - as another poster mentioned - women were dependent on men and stayed in marriages that they would not stay in today.

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Mutual benefit from the marriage is key. People are motivated to make it work if there is a reward. If either or both partners don't receive the reward they seek, the marriage fails.

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#1. Because they can. People have always wanted to get out of bad or unfulfilling marraiges, they just couldn't afford to and they feared the social repercussions. 50+ years ago most women did not have self-supporting careers and there for if a divorce were to occur, the men would have to continue to support them and the children and so both people would take big hit in their financial lifestyles. There was also such a social stigma that many people figured it would be better to live with the pain of a bad marriage, rather than the pain of being broke and socially outcast.

 

 

Today it's affordable and socially acceptable so there is no reason not to do it. Both people typically work and are able to support themselves and shared custody is more and more common so women are able to support themselves and men aren't being financially crippled with alimony and child support so both parties can afford it. And much of the social stigma has been removed so divorced people aren't as scandalous as they once were.

 

 

#2. - don't get fat and slovenly.

- don't assume your partner can't/won't walk away (ie take for granted)

- continue to court and date them.

- don't be lazy and unadventurous or selfish in the bedroom.

-continue to strive to be the best person you can be.

-work as a team together for both people's mutual benefit.

- don't be a drunk/druggie/criminal/cheater/abusive etc and don't marry anyone that is any of those things either.

 

 

 

 

But the thing I think is key here are the things people should do to reduce the negative impact a divorce would have if it were to occur. Those are things like - always maintaining and education and job skills so they can always support themselves

- Always have their own bank accounts/investments/retirement accounts etc.

-don't over extend credit or accrue more dept than either one of you can handle as an individual.

- always have a back up life-plan in case your partner walks out or you catch them in bed with the neighbor tomorrow.

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DaisyLeigh1967

I think a lot of it is because men cannot control women's lives and they cannot stand it. My own grandparents were that type of couple. He was very controlling, and could not even stand if she went shopping with my mother, his daughter. Once, Mom brought her home and he was going kind of nuts. Mom said, "Damn it Dad! What, do you think I am taking my mom out scouting for men???"

 

My own husband cannot stand that he does not control me and I am not a submissive and weak little haus frau, who waits on him hand and foot and kisses his butt. His brother's wife IS like that, and I think he is resentful of me. I lost my job in February and he has made me feel like **** ever since, lets the kids make messes and tells me since I am home, I can clean it up, calls me names, and we have not TMI... had relations in a year. I am starting a new job in a week and getting my Bachelors Degree. So I can get out of this marriage.

 

I am not saying all guys are like this. There are ****ty women too. But I think the majority of problems in marriages are because the guy is entitlement minded, and thinks he should not do housework or childcare because he Wooooooorrrrrrkkkks. And treats his wife like a servant, even if SHE works fulltime too.

 

Just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

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Michelle ma Belle

Although I don't agree with every point mentioned by others, most seem valid as to why so many people divorce.

 

It's been my experience that just because couples remain married for 10, 20 or 40 years doesn't mean they've been happy or stayed in love or that they haven't acted inappropriately at some point in their marriage.

 

Is it more admirable to stay married and miserable or divorced and happy? I'm not sure but I would opt for happy. Divorce doesn't have the stigma it once had. Women are more empowered than ever which means they no longer "need" a man to take care of them emotionally, physically and/or financially.

 

I also think that many couples (if not most) just get lazy when it comes to their relationships, especially the longer couples are together. Complacency is the kiss of death in that it weakens even the best of relationships making couples vulnerable to the temptations swirling around them.

 

How to prevent divorce? I'm certainly no expert BUT what I do know is that it takes TWO people to make or break a relationship. You BOTH have to want it and work at it all the time. Just because you've been married for years doesn't mean you have to stop dating each other.

 

Of course, overall compatibility particularly sexual compatibility plays a HUGE role for so many couples.

Edited by Michelle ma Belle
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1. People go in thinking great marriages "JUST HAPPEN" once they say I do everything else just falls into place.

 

2. Taking what you have for granted. Both sexes simply stop doing the things they did before or during the early days of marriage. Being married doesn't mean you have to stop trying. Men stop dating wives, women don't have sex with husband which comes first?

 

3. Being too freaking lazy. Once relationships start heading south one partner seems to wait around for the other to fix it.

 

 

4. Thinking you can do better or missing out on something better. Once someone gets to this point what's the motivation to work on the marriage.

 

5. Women have changed, I was reading TIME maybe 5 or 6 years ago and it talked about the unrealistic expectations that women go into marriage with. Some men do as well, but women start 72% of all divorces.

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Bad choices in a partner.

 

Growing apart as the parties mature.

 

No stigma of divorce.

 

I wouldn't say bad choices as choices have expanded from someone within walking distance attending a compatible church to most of the world potentially. We so many choices out there what would have been good enough for previous generations are now seen as lacking because I can do better if I am, willing to go to all of that effort.

 

But then many divorce and find that while there may be billions and hundreds of thousands better than the ex finding someone proves diffecult

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I agree with a lot of what's been posted on here. I also think that Michelle Mabelles point about people staying in unhappy marriages is a good one.

 

It reminds me of an argument i had with a friend of my wife. She said she'd hate for any of her friends to win the lottery, as many times over a lottery win caused the winning couple to divorce within a year.

 

My argument was that the lottery didn't cause the divorce, but enabled both parties to split without taking the huge financial hit that divorce causes.

 

Coming at the question from another angle. The friends of mine who are in the happiest marriages tick all of the same boxes...

 

1. They couple are great friends

2. They still have regular (2 - 4 times a week) sex

3. Financially they are comfortable (mortgage nearly paid off) two good incomes coming in.

4. They love their children, but they make a lot of time for each other.

5. Both the guys like to chat and love the opposite sex, but would never consider an affair and have rejected advances. Both husbands and wives consider an affair an absolute deal breaker and end to the marriage.

6. They have a wide circle of friends but also go away on weekends and out for meals etc...

 

I think if you are ticking all of the above - you won't have a problem. However, even if you ticked two thirds of the above your marriage could be in difficulty.

 

In other words a good marriage takes a lot of work and a lot of boxes need to be regularly ticked. Like a small hole in a big ship, it doesn't take much to bring it down.

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The real reason marriages end in divorce a lot is because marriage was built around oligarchy. The man used to have a woman as property, to take care of him and produce children. Then we removed the oligarchy rule which it was based around, and then substituted it with hippie bs about equality.

 

What we really did was create anarchy. Marriages are now anarchy. A few people can create some kind of agreement that creates harmony, but most people just live in chaos. Some eventually realize there will be no function and divorce. Many just keep believing if they stick it out, eventually it will work out.

 

I personally sit back and go "wtf". I was brought up to be a fair, hardworking man. I'm married, but I don't have a wife. I make enough to support my family, but my wife doesn't want to support me. I need a woman who can take care of the house, and handle things I don't have time for. It's not because I'm chauvinistic, but honest about my needs.

 

In conclusion, we've taken an ideology and stripped it of everything that gave it its meaning, and then act like it has values that don't exist. Not surprised that something now built around zero structure is failing miserably.

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compulsivedancer
It's not because I'm chauvinistic, but honest about my needs..

 

You called equality "hippy bs." I think that speaks for itself.

 

Btw, you can find a woman who wants those things. There are plenty of women who want to stay home and raise a family and take care of the household. But expecting a woman to do that because she's female (not because she wants to) is chauvanistic BS.

 

That said, yes, marriage as an institution can be challenging for people who live to be 80, who are equal partners, who have endless options and unrealistic expectations. We are still trying to figure out what marriage means in a post-civil-rights era.

 

In my opinion, it works for some people and not for others. Why do we need it to work 100% of the time and in perpetuity? Why can't you work out a contract with a marriage partner, then dissolve that contract if the partners are no longer interested in being partners?

 

What is the purpose and function of marriage anyway? Just because it has historically been a lifetime arrangement doesn't necessarily mean that a marriage must have "failed" because it ended. Perhaps it fulfilled the needs of the couple/family for the time that it existed.

 

Just a thought.

Edited by compulsivedancer
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TheBladeRunner

1. People change and sometimes grow apart.

 

2. Poor communication

 

3. Having a child and becoming "Parent-Centric"

 

4. An insecure partner

 

5. Polar opposite value system

 

6. Unequal sex drive

 

7. Narcissism

 

8. The list can be endless........

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You called equality "hippy bs." I think that speaks for itself.

 

Btw, you can find a woman who wants those things. There are plenty of women who want to stay home and raise a family and take care of the household. But expecting a woman to do that because she's female (not because she wants to) is chauvanistic BS.

 

That said, yes, marriage as an institution can be challenging for people who live to be 80, who are equal partners, who have endless options and unrealistic expectations. We are still trying to figure out what marriage means in a post-civil-rights era.

 

In my opinion, it works for some people and not for others. Why do we need it to work 100% of the time and in perpetuity? Why can't you work out a contract with a marriage partner, then dissolve that contract if the partners are no longer interested in being partners?

 

What is the purpose and function of marriage anyway? Just because it has historically been a lifetime arrangement doesn't necessarily mean that a marriage must have "failed" because it ended. Perhaps it fulfilled the needs of the couple/family for the time that it existed.

 

Just a thought.

 

I'm not sure if you're purposely being ironic?

 

Explain what an equal partner means? In my experience, equity is way more common in marriages than equality. In my marriage, I make twice what my wife makes at work. We pool our money into one account, and have equal say over how it's spent. However, it's not equality because I contributed more than she did, so I decided that she could have say over part of my financial contribution. This is equity, and we are no longer equals because she only has that say because I give it to her. Therefore, I in fact actually have more say over our finances, as I could take that say away and have my own personal account. On another level, I work more hours and have less free time to contribute around the house. Since she has more time, it would make sense for her to take on more household chores. This is when the equality comes in, and she says screw equity. Instead, she wants to pay a cleaner with money she has an unequal say over to keep from being on the negative side of equity. That's some BS.

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I do not care WHO you marry or WHY you did.....

 

Limerance, that amazing, hormone fueled, can't stop touching each other lasts 2 to 4 years....

 

then we move onto disillusionment, also known as reality....We start to see our partners faults and weaknesses and start to power play, BIG time, especially if we have unaddressed child hood parental issues: He leaves the toilet seat up; she spends too much money. The list goes on. Arguments, power plays, adnauseum.... Most marriages divorce here, but it is a BIG mistake.

 

The last stage: Mature love. You are you and I am me and we now ACCEPT our differences. We are no longer fighting, no longer agonizing over our incompatibilities and what we do NOT have in common. We communicate well, love each other, accept each other's differences and still have sex, good sex, and a lot of fun together....

 

That's the truth. Marry four times and EACH time you will go through all 3 stages of a long-term relationship.

 

Why not learn it the first time around?

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1. People change and sometimes grow apart.

 

2. Poor communication

 

3. Having a child and becoming "Parent-Centric"

 

4. An insecure partner

 

5. Polar opposite value system

 

6. Unequal sex drive

 

7. Narcissism

 

8. The list can be endless........

 

With the exception of numbers 6 and 7.....and I hate to even include #6 in this....all others are communicative and negotiable in a relationship, so you have to bear 50% of the responsibility for the marriage's demise.

 

#6 can be worked out with proper professional help....so can #7 IF the narcissist is willing to seek help.

 

#8? You only believe that IF you would rather bail than seek it out long term...excuses do not get you to the 30, 40, 50 year mark.

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People get divorced for all kinds of reasons but an upswing in the divorce rate must mean a stronger economy.

 

And I think your best chance of finding a person who will stay married is finding someone whose parents stayed married.

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compulsivedancer

To your second question: respect. Find someone who will respect you and your needs, and then you have to be willing to respect his/hers. A marriage based on a tally sheet of who gets/gives what and a business contract won't be very fulfilling.

 

And a willingness to grow together. If one partner changes and the other stays the same, that is a problem. The partners will turn into people that don't know each other any more and who don't have the same goals or respect who the other person is.

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To your second question: respect. Find someone who will respect you and your needs, and then you have to be willing to respect his/hers. A marriage based on a tally sheet of who gets/gives what and a business contract won't be very fulfilling.

 

And a willingness to grow together. If one partner changes and the other stays the same, that is a problem. The partners will turn into people that don't know each other any more and who don't have the same goals or respect who the other person is.

 

My point was to illustrate that marriage isn't equal, but functions on equity. Not saying you should tally up and hold things against each other, but rather equity is an issue in many marriages.

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My humble opinion is that Marriage relationships are not much different than friendship ones.

 

How many people can claim to have a true friend? The sort of friendship that will last a lifetime? The sort of friend who will risk his/her own life in order to save another friend?

 

I'd guess most people will never find such a friend. Some lucky people do, though.

 

And the same applies to spouses. Some people are lucky to find a man or a woman who are willing to spend the rest of their lives with them.

 

Others will find men or women who are only willing to be with them until it stops being benefficial.

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