Another Spin On Housewife Or Moocher....

[OnTheOuts]

New here and wanting to run this by some of you. I read the "Moocher or Housewife" thread and sort of have a similar situation. That thread was pretty much brutal to Ron's wife and I saw very little positive for her.

 

My situation: Husband and I have been together for 15 years. I was working when my husband and I first met. We actually met at work, started dating and then got married 2 years into the relationship. We did have a few issues with the fact that he wanted to live together for an unspecified period of time at he beginning and I told him if he couldn't get married, then living together was not the answer for me as I had lived with someone before and wasted a good 5 years of my life with nothing to show for it and would not do it again.

 

We then got married and I felt like I was ready to have the life I always dreamed of. Except, it didn't work out that way. I wanted children but for some reason could not. It took 10 years to reach that goal. I went through all sorts of fertility treatments/procedures/shots then finally we were able to have our daughter. It was a hard pregnancy for me and I had medical complications which caused me to have to quit my job due to the high stress level. I had to have a c-section which was difficult because my body does not heal well and seems to take a long time. I also had alot of issues with the scar and body image afterwards which was hard for me along with breastfeeding, etc. I had no support from family either. I will not deny that I did not want to have sex for a very long time after that. My husband was pretty patient but finally after a year or so, the pressure was too much and so I caved. Instantly pregnant again. I was shocked that it could happen. It had taken so long the first time I didn't know what hit me. Our first daughter had low muscle tone and couldn't walk even at 17 months. I was carrying her and feeling awful from the second one. Then I had to have another c-section which was so painful I almost fainted in my room. And again no help from family.

 

Well fast forward and I made it through those early years. 2nd daughter is now in full day school. The problem is, I haven't worked in 8 years. The last time I was working, the highways were jam packed at rush hour. The jobs were everywhere. Now, husband wants me to go back, and I want to go back, but the landscape is changed. The nonprofit that I used to work for eliminated most of their staff. My position is not even there anymore. Companies I used to work for have sold off, been dissolved, don't even exist anymore.

 

And not to mention, I'm a decade older. I had children later when I was older, now I'm even older at 45. Also, because of my circumstances, I've aged alot since then. I feel my looks have suffered.

 

But husband is still stuck in the old days. He has a position with the federal government so he's really not been touched by what's happened in the private sector. He thinks I should just be able to go out and get something right away like before. The problem is, the jobs I used to have like assistant positions are now being filled by the perky mid-20's girls and it's difficult to get back in once you hit the mid 40's. Especially when you have to put volunteer work at the top of your resume.

 

Lately, it's been really bad. Husband just has no respect anymore. He does not get what it's like out there. I've seen internet threads where people are sending hundreds of resumes and hoping that 1 in that group might hear a response. And these are young people. Worse still, I have one of those degrees..yes, liberal arts, so it's become a taboo. Before, it was no problem. Now, it's the butt of every bad unemployment report joke. And kids all over the country are defaulting because of those degrees.

 

Husband is just majorly unhappy. He's OK financially, but he wants something more. He almost has an elitist stance that because he's working, he's somebody. Even though he can't move up because the government has a hiring freeze and his salary is slipping because it hasn't really increased these past 10 years. And I'm nobody because I stopped to have a family and when I'm ready to get back in the game the landscape has been obliterated and is unrecognizable anymore.

 

I'm worried. I've never seen him so bad. He's under stress from a lawsuit because we bought a farm that was hit by a tornado 4 years ago right after we bought it and have also been in court all that time to try and get paid from the insurer who defrauded us. We had to deplete alot of savings because the mortgage company massively upped our payments because we couldn't get insurance after the tornado and couldn't pay to fix the property that insurance did not pay for. He's also pro Se which is a losing position. He already lost the case and is on appeal. I'm afraid what will happen when that doesn't work out as he still believes he has a chance. I've tried to tell him it's a good 'ole boy club but it's like "Dumb and Dumber" he still thinks he has a chance. The lawsuit is a major drain on energy and time that seems to me to be going nowhere yet he's obsessed with it.

 

Our money is low now but we are not broke. He still has his job and we were able to get rid of our farm mortgage payment and get a refinance and we have no other debt, so it's not the best but not horrific. We can build back up but it will take time.

 

It's just a really bad time and I'm afraid that the longer it goes on the worse damage it does to our relationship. I just can't seem to get hired anywhere now and feel that his respect is gone for me. We got in a huge fight last week that turned into a brawl because he's started attacking my intelligence. I don't feel that I'm not capable anymore, I just feel the employment situation in this country is horrific and affecting me as well as millions of others right now to which federal government workers don't really realize. I don't believe my husband would get anywhere near the job he has now in the private sector.

 

I'm wondering what to do. I've been applying for jobs, but nothing so far. And I'm afraid of when the appeal decision comes through as last time he went into a major depression.

Edited September 3, 2014 by OnTheOuts

[acrosstheuniverse]

Sorry to hear this OP. It doesn't sound good for your relationship that your husband, instead of being supportive and understanding, is resenting you. I don't know his reasoning for this, whether he's using this as a smokescreen for deeper dissatisfaction with the relationship, or whether he genuinely can't see that you're struggling.

 

My suggestion, which may seem very basic...

 

1) You say the landscape has changed, adapt to fit. Retrain in something else, get a recognised qualification in a specific area. For example I know many people who went back to school in their twenties, thirties, forties and in one case fifties to retrain as a social worker. Not one of those guys or women have struggled to find work, and their age and life experience is a significant advantage for many employers, knocking the 21 year old graduates out of the way. I am assuming you're in US, and I don't know the situation there, but many countries allow people to go back to school to do a qualification in the subject as long as they have a degree, any degree in another subject. You do need relevant experience but voluntary work can also suffice.

 

If not something as full-on as this, what about a part time night class? To a lower educational level? Perhaps something skill-based such as mechanics, plumbing, beauty, hairdressing, etc. etc. It's really hard to know without knowing your field.

 

2) VOLUNTEER. I can't tell you have many jobs I've been offered based on my voluntary work. Few things set a candidate aside as much as sustained, consistent voluntary work that shows you care. Something you are passionate about rather than just an hour in a charity shop once per week. Not to mention the contacts you can make this way... often, jobs crop up and as an existing unpaid worker you're in prime position to take the paid post with zero training period necessary, companies like that.

 

Even if you don't get a job from volunteering, another couple of benefits would be that a) your husband can see you are really trying, getting out there and working, even if it isn't paid (ESPECIALLY if it isn't paid?) and b) most importantly, you can grow your own self worth back that this situation is eventually going to compromise. Being able to get out of the house, make new friends that are just yours, learn new skills, feel and be useful can be an absolute boon for somebody re-entering the labor market.

 

I don't have much else to suggest really. Remind yourself you have NOT been a mooch, you have been raising his children. And you are the one who has bore the physical pain and changes, and the one who has given up their work so that you can stay at home. If I got pregnant right now and chose to leave work to raise the kids I would feel as though I had sacrificed an awful lot. Money, career progression, job satisfaction. Often dudes don't realise just how hard it is for women to just drop back into the labor market after YEARS out, when jobs are now so competitive that even people with a perfect CV and history who interview great and are passionate are rejected for more jobs than they're accepted for.

 

Good luck and sorry you are going through this. I think you essentially have to stop applying for jobs at random and start taking action to make sure you're targeting the right area of the job market and are competitive in that area. And perhaps some marriage counselling might not be such a bad idea seeing as this is coming between you guys so much.

[BlueIris]

... Often dudes don't realise just how hard it is for women to just drop back into the labor market after YEARS out, when jobs are now so competitive that even people with a perfect CV and history who interview great and are passionate are rejected for more jobs than they're accepted for.

 

Good luck and sorry you are going through this. I think you essentially have to stop applying for jobs at random and start taking action to make sure you're targeting the right area of the job market and are competitive in that area.

 

Very true! I also think the certification recommendation is great.

Also, look to "intern" if you can't get anything else. Internships are the new form of work audition, and they're usually time-limited and based on the assumption that both you and the employer are trying out the fit.

Another possibility is to go outside your field, or to a somewhat related field, and start over, at the bottom. That's what I ended up doing and it turned out because my age and experience resulted in my progressing quickly.

[Got it]

Also I would say that since your husband is with the federal government you are near a major metro area? Talk to recruiters! Go temp to perm. They will hel market you. My mom was similar. She doubted her skills, was very self defeating in words, thoughts and actions but is one of the smartest people I know! She didn't succeed because she kept sabotaging herself. You may be your greatest hindrance in this area. I am not saying you are but just look at things. Make sure you are giving yourself a fair break.

 

I think some good articles for you to read.

 

Recruiters Can Find an Untapped Source of Talent in Stay-at-Home Parents

 

Army of moms: Recruiting firm employs a stay-at-home workforce - Austin Business Journal

 

Interview Tips for Stay-at-Home Mothers Returning to Work

 

It is just about finding your niche, your selling point. Why should a company hire you? Why do you BELIEVE you are the best asset for a company? Do you believe you are a great asset for a company?

 

And in regards to your reference to the other thread and this, I think it is comparing apples to oranges. I am not seeing the similarities.

[d0nnivain]

Ask your husband to help you look for positions. If he's involved in the process & sees how many resumes you are putting out there, he should at least give you an "A for effort" and it should help him to understand that jobs in the private sector don't just grow on trees.

 

The other guy's wife was simply doing nothing which is why so many people were hard on her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ask your husband to help you look for positions. If he's involved in the process & sees how many resumes you are putting out there, he should at least give you an "A for effort" and it should help him to understand that jobs in the private sector don't just grow on trees

.

 

You may also have to consider a more entry level position than those you've been applying for just to get back in the workforce. Sucks but a reality of the current economy.

 

BTW OP, your post is very well written, well formatted and easy to read and understand. Did your previous job involve writing ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blueskysandybeach]

Could you retrain and get a trade, or get out there straightaway as a house PA/cleaner/mothers help/etc? I think that there is always a need for that stuff. And I agree the volunteering is a great way to go, too. Let your husband see you are just getting out there and making a change, psychologically that will probably really give him a boost.