Difficult Summer - just venting.

[dichotomy]

Just need to vent. There is no big answer here.

 

Had a difficult summer in our marriage. May - thought August. My wife had a lot of demands - from graduate school, to a sick mother, to some modest medical treatment and problems affecting her health and mood. Because of this - I let go of all my needs, wants, and just tried to be supportive. Sex went away (maybe three times in four months and it was her just giving duty sex), I was supporting more monetarily, and she stopped going to marriage counseling (she was asked by therapist to go on her own), the home became a mess as I could not keep up, I was coming home from work and dealing with home and kids while she was at classes or studying. or taking care of her mom. I know it was incredible stressful and hard emotionally and physically for her the last few months. She was not sitting on her rear - she had so much to do and she did what was needed for those things.

 

She claims we became more emotionally close ?! and she felt good about it this summer, but all I did was give up on all my needs. requests, and support her fully......but I understand these phases happen in marriage, and being close sometimes means just supporting the other when they need it.

 

 

Recently this weekend - I began to express my needs/wants again - one of which was a concern about her poor health and urging her to trying exercising again, and it quickly escalated into both of us acting poorly and fighting in front of our kids.

 

I am back to what our therapist said about acting like her dad or parent, instead of her spouse. I dont know which it is - wanting a healthy good spouse and marriage, asking for my needs, vs her view of my "control and demands".

 

Over the course of our marriage I have had to push to address her affair, her past sex and money issues, her ex husband legal issues, her (our) daughter mental health, her health, and our sex life. But the simplest of requests of her, or my needs, get pushed off,or ignored, so then I end up being demanding and controlling (i understand this). But honestly the steamroller I become to resolve somethings - ends up working in the end - its just painful at the time. Even with our therapist she fights back at the therapist requests for her to change things. She is a suborn and difficult person who wishes to do as she feels and not as others wants (except as a mom she is giving).

 

I wish to resume marriage counseling but know she will fight this again, because she cant handle someone telling her what to do. Make no mistake somethings have improved over our marriage due to therapy and my pushing, I do see the small but noticeable improvements, in her, and the marriage (and me as well) which keeps me going - but its a herculean and long effort.

 

Things are getting a little better. Her classes are over, and I finally decided to go to my own evening classes (martial arts) which is something I wanted to do for years. One of her present health issues will be resolved hopefully in another two months, but it could also get more complicated. My job is going amazingly well, good chance of promotion, and I am trying new activities for myself. I am making sure I am taking care of me as best I can, on my own. It was also a great summer for our kids. They had many achievements and fun and growth, a real bright spot in the summer.

 

Again just venting. There is no big answer at this point. Just another time in the marriage and I am a bit tired and in a poor mood.

Edited September 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[giotto]

when you dare bringing up your needs, you are always selfish... "what about me", I used to get... "it's you, you, you"... well, if my wife met my needs a little bit, then I wouldn't bring them up. But, apparently, I'm not allowed. Actually, I wasn't allowed, because now I've removed myself from the equation... I don't get my needs met, but neither does she...

 

I wish you all the luck in the world. Difficult indeed when you are still trying... I really admire your attitude. I had to give up for my mental sake... it's a rather sad place to be, but also very peaceful...

[2sunny]

It's sad that you settle for so little within this marriage.

 

You stay silent when you have every right to speak up.

 

So it causes a fight? So what - it should be heard.

[dichotomy]

 

It's sad that you settle for so little within this marriage.

 

You stay silent when you have every right to speak up.So it causes a fight? So what - it should be heard.

 

Yes I have, but I have carefully considered the alternatives and believe it would bring less to me then what I have now...for now. Also I believe (and advise others here) that one can pursue self improvement and things of value interdependently of the marriage.

 

I understand this - and I was in a fighting mood . Honestly what we argued most about this weekend was her health and working out (and the fact that I pay her membership and she does not go) ...and I was at first loving about it -saying we (kids and I) all need her to be functional and healthy. I do think, but did not say it, that her declining physical state is behind 30-50% of her low sex interest. I did state a fear she is headed towards real disability in the future unless she worked out again. What she heard is "your fat and need to loose weight and I insist you go" But she knows this is not what I feel or think - but it provides and excuse for her and makes me controlling and accepting. I also said whatever decision she made, I was not paying for the membership anymore. We also have an amazing home gym. Lastly she was complaining about some medication she was put on - and I got worried - and called the doctors emergency number to get advice and she got mad when I did this on my own and all of a sudden forced her to talk to someone.

 

 

I think this was an usually hard summer.

Edited September 1, 2014 by dichotomy

[dichotomy]

when you dare bringing up your needs, you are always selfish... "what about me", I used to get... "it's you, you, you"... well, if my wife met my needs a little bit, then I wouldn't bring them up. But, apparently, I'm not allowed. Actually, I wasn't allowed, because now I've removed myself from the equation... I don't get my needs met, but neither does she...

I wish you all the luck in the world. Difficult indeed when you are still trying... I really admire your attitude. I had to give up for my mental sake... it's a rather sad place to be, but also very peaceful...

 

Thank you.

 

To a certain extent - we have moved slightly towards this operating mode over the last few years.

[2sunny]

It does look controlling on your part.

 

I suppose you think you can control her.

 

 

It gives her good reasons to be mad at you = no sex.

 

Change your part it in for a different outcome...

[jackslife]

Dichotomy: I know your are venting the crappy parts of your summer, and anyone reading this only ever gets a very small snapshot of another persons life. I'm not being facetious, but when I read a post like this I do wonder why you can be bothered with all this.

 

All marriages have ups and downs but surely a marriage that needs constant analysing and analysis, endless work, constant arguments, endless sacrifice etc etc is not a marriage worth saving.

 

Friends of mine who have divorced and are now in happy relationships say they look back at the marriages they had before and wonder how and why the tolerated it for as long as they did. They now have relationships with great sex, meals out, good conversation and of course they have arguments and disagreements, but when you have a marriage that needs that much work... I wonder sometimes if too much counselling is a bad thing. Whilst a bit of self awareness can save a marriage, does too much make you think you can change things that aren't or can't be changed.

 

BTW you are not controlling. If you think your wife needs to lose some weight for her own health you should tell her. You are not asking her to climb the side the empire state building without a safety line, but to lay off the pies and get a bit of exercise.

 

You know your marriage better than most, but if you have forgiven an affair, and it is still a crappy marriage, why bother?

[dichotomy]

Dichotomy: I know your are venting the crappy parts of your summer, and anyone reading this only ever gets a very small snapshot of another persons life. I'm not being facetious, but when I read a post like this I do wonder why you can be bothered with all this.

 

All marriages have ups and downs but surely a marriage that needs constant analysing and analysis, endless work, constant arguments, endless sacrifice etc etc is not a marriage worth saving.

 

Friends of mine who have divorced and are now in happy relationships say they look back at the marriages they had before and wonder how and why the tolerated it for as long as they did. They now have relationships with great sex, meals out, good conversation and of course they have arguments and disagreements, but when you have a marriage that needs that much work... I wonder sometimes if too much counseling is a bad thing. Whilst a bit of self awareness can save a marriage, does too much make you think you can change things that aren't or can't be changed.

 

BTW you are not controlling. If you think your wife needs to lose some weight for her own health you should tell her. You are not asking her to climb the side the empire state building without a safety line, but to lay off the pies and get a bit of exercise.

 

You know your marriage better than most, but if you have forgiven an affair, and it is still a crappy marriage, why bother?

 

 

Thanks. Yes this is a vent. Many marriage have these times, but mine has had too many and ongoing.

 

To an extent that I have changed her (and myself as well). It was the equivalent of moving a mountain...3 feet...and only 6-8 inches at a time..over years and years. I guess I am stubborn too.

 

I dont mind so much the weight, but her functional health. Yes the two are tied, but as in my case one can carry some extra weight and still be active and functional. Her diet is not to bad, actually ok, she simply needs to get moving. No excuses, she has a 5 star health club 7 mins from home and her work, and I have built up a home gym with extensive equipment - so much so that I do not need to go to her club anymore. Basically she can get up early and put in just 20-30 mins with me (on my hour long workout), it would I think be enough to bring her some basic functional health in 6-12 months.

 

As to why I stay - you mention how great other have been after divorce and remarriage. Every situation is different and complex. I had a brother and father who spent years after divorce in not so great situations. I have very carefully considered what a post divorce life would be like and I don't like what I see for myself or my children. Without going into details much would be lost - just trust me that right now a divorce would completely break apart everything for all of us - home community schools money life style access to my daughter. (for me to hope to find a gal who likes to give me BJ's, and does not lie to me?). But it might not stay this way in the future - as the marriage may continue to improve (mountain moving inches) or the downside of divorced life may become less.

 

Again I am in a down spot with my wife only. My life is very well other wise - enviable in many regards.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have very carefully considered what a post divorce life would be like and I don't like what I see for myself or my children. Without going into details much would be lost - just trust me that right now a divorce would completely break apart everything for all of us - home community schools money life style access to my daughter. (for me to hope to find a gal who likes to give me BJ's, and does not lie to me?). But it might not stay this way in the future - as the marriage may continue to improve (mountain moving inches) or the downside of divorced life may become less.

Understand completely. I can only tell you (and this is a big act of faith) that the happiness on the other side can be worth it. All the issues of parenting, lifestyle, finances, etc. are solvable when you're with someone that meets your fundamental needs.

 

And the BJ's are pretty frickin' awesome ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[bathtub-row]

Reading posts like this make me glad I'm not married.

[giotto]

I'm also staying because I have too much too lose. As I said before, my kids are more important than my sex life. My wife is a good person. I just had to tiptoe around her all the time. But I know what's wrong now. It makes it better in a way. It's more bearable knowing the facts. It's still very sad, but it doesn't bother me that much anymore... I lead a pretty good life. Could be better, but I can't complain. If the wife doesn't want to fix herself, then it's out of my hands... I've tried for 10 years now... it's time to rest...

[bathtub-row]

I'm also staying because I have too much too lose. As I said before, my kids are more important than my sex life. My wife is a good person. I just had to tiptoe around her all the time. But I know what's wrong now. It makes it better in a way. It's more bearable knowing the facts. It's still very sad, but it doesn't bother me that much anymore... I lead a pretty good life. Could be better, but I can't complain. If the wife doesn't want to fix herself, then it's out of my hands... I've tried for 10 years now... it's time to rest...

 

She's a great person except that she has you walking on eggshells all the time. Sounds like a great relationship.

 

Hey, if you think it's best to stay, then I say go for it. It may not always about the sex but it is about the relationship, and usually sex is a good indicator of the health of a relationship.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

[HPrynne]

If you've decided to stay despite being unhappy, I would suggest looking at the entire arrangement differently. You will not change her. She will do what she does, and you will do what you do. No amount of pushing, prodding, or trying to get her to do one thing or another will achieve your objectives.

 

Focus on other things in your life that will make you feel happy and fulfilled. Consider her an obstacle in your life and to your happiness. How can you live and arrange your life around the obstacle such that you get the things that you want to sufficient degree that you aren't chronically unhappy, cranky, or depressed? Do those things. Let her go. You can't make her what you want her to be.

 

When she sees you change and let go of trying to get her to do things that you think will make you happier, she might make some positive changes herself. Either way, the key factor is that you are finding ways to be happy and fulfilled that don't involve trying to modify her behavior (that is a losing battle and essentially pointless - it's like two people with their hands around each other's throats - how much fun is that?).

 

Let her go. Go live your life. Stay married, sure. That's your choice. Her being your spouse is in some ways an impediment to your happiness, and in other ways, from how you describe it, essential to it. So work with what you've got, and stop trying to make her something she isn't. That is an eternally fruitless pursuit and it will only leave you increasingly unhappy, empty, and resentful.

 

Find the things that fill you up, and do them. You can be happy and fulfilled without reference to her, if you choose to arrange your life differently. It can be done (and you don't have to divorce if you don't want to, but you do need to make some changes). Stop looking at her and look at you. Work around her to get to a place that once again feels right for you.

[2sunny]

The issue is that you expect it to change and her to change.

 

The only one you can change is you, your actions and your perspective.

 

Or simply accept it that it will always be this way.

 

 

 

Since she hasn't been willing to address her affair I would think you have a lot of resentments built up against her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Since she hasn't been willing to address her affair I would think you have a lot of resentments built up against her.

 

I'd say that 3 occasions of duty sex in 4 months means she's addressing the affair in her own dysfunctional way. Unfortunately Dichotomy, double whammy for you. You get cheated on and then punished. Sucks!

 

Mr. Lucky

[giotto]

She's a great person except that she has you walking on eggshells all the time. Sounds like a great relationship.

 

Hey, if you think it's best to stay, then I say go for it. It may not always about the sex but it is about the relationship, and usually sex is a good indicator of the health of a relationship.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

 

She had me walking... It wasn't her fault... I didn't know at the time. Her fault was not communicating, but that came with her "problem"...

 

The relationship has gone down the drain because she refuses to deal with her problems... it's easier for her to condemn the marriage than to address her fears... it's her choice. I've come to terms with it. It's out of my hands...

[giotto]

If you've decided to stay despite being unhappy, I would suggest looking at the entire arrangement differently. You will not change her. She will do what she does, and you will do what you do. No amount of pushing, prodding, or trying to get her to do one thing or another will achieve your objectives.

 

Focus on other things in your life that will make you feel happy and fulfilled. Consider her an obstacle in your life and to your happiness. How can you live and arrange your life around the obstacle such that you get the things that you want to sufficient degree that you aren't chronically unhappy, cranky, or depressed? Do those things. Let her go. You can't make her what you want her to be.

 

When she sees you change and let go of trying to get her to do things that you think will make you happier, she might make some positive changes herself. Either way, the key factor is that you are finding ways to be happy and fulfilled that don't involve trying to modify her behavior (that is a losing battle and essentially pointless - it's like two people with their hands around each other's throats - how much fun is that?).

 

Let her go. Go live your life. Stay married, sure. That's your choice. Her being your spouse is in some ways an impediment to your happiness, and in other ways, from how you describe it, essential to it. So work with what you've got, and stop trying to make her something she isn't. That is an eternally fruitless pursuit and it will only leave you increasingly unhappy, empty, and resentful.

 

Find the things that fill you up, and do them. You can be happy and fulfilled without reference to her, if you choose to arrange your life differently. It can be done (and you don't have to divorce if you don't want to, but you do need to make some changes). Stop looking at her and look at you. Work around her to get to a place that once again feels right for you.

 

I agree entirely with this... it comes a time when you need to concentrate on other things... I believe you'll never change her. I tried in my marriage and it was a big fail. I wasted years, for nothing. It was hell, but I'm out of it.

 

You probably are still hanging onto your dream, that one day it will be like it used to be. Can't blame you for trying...

 

And sorry for hijacking the thread... it wasn't my intention!

[BetrayedH]

No advice. Just wanted you to know that you've been heard, brother. Good luck.