gkfluffs Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Hello Everyone, My wife and I are thinking about buying a new house. The only problem is that she really wants a brand new house in a location that I really don't want to be at. I tried to explain her why I don't want that location with reason and logic. For example: 1) I would like to be closer to my family (5-10 minutes) drive. 2) I really like the location that we live in right now, it is close to everything and I am really happy here. 3) My commute to work is 10 minutes and there it will increase to 30 - 60 minutes. I am ready to compromise and let her choose our next house, but in the location that will be reasonable for my needs locationwise. I do understand that it might be challenge to find exactly what she wants but I am sure it is possible to find something that is good enough for both of us. But it seems right now she wants me to give up my location requirements completely. What do you think? You think I should compromise when I know for the fact that this move will induce discomfort in my life (pretty big one to, I hate commuting ), for the sake of not shaking the boat and making mama happy ? I feel like she is being inconsiderate to my needs, or maybe it is me who is inconsiderate? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think your preferences should definitely be considered. No need to drive an extra hour or so just to appease her. Pick a house that you both like in a neighborhood that's conveniently located. Or remodel the house you're in now. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 No, you should not compromise on fundamentally practical matters. Your commute in particular is an extremely important issue, and the shorter the better for your health and everyone's well-being, including the marriage. She may not like it, but unless her preferred location is closer to her work and services she needs, and her income is sufficient to sustain you both, then it isn't reasonable. If it's all about the house, she needs to get a grip on reality and look for something in your current area. But it may also be that she wants distance from your family - is that a possible factor? Are you too close to them for comfort? If that's part of it, maybe better boundaries with them would help. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Why are you selling the house you have now ? what are her issues with that house/location ? Did you have that house before you were married and she moved into it ? Link to post Share on other sites
Lisey9 Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 What's her side of the story? Why does she want to live in that particular neighborhood? It's not a compromise if she is 100% getting her way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I would not ask that of my guy in the first place. It seems incredibly selfish in my opinion, so I think you should be clear that YOU are willing to compromise, if SHE is, if not, stay put until you can make a decision together. Don't make a move until you are ready to do it right, and together where you are both happy. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I think it's really inconsiderate and unreasonable of her to want to add that much time to your drive everyday. Does she work? Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thanks for the responses! She does work, and yes it will reduce her commute to work. But she is not the breadwinner for the family. She works there just not to stay home and she admits this, we definitely have no need for her income at this point. I have no problem compromising on location within the reason, but what she wants will really increase my commute time and will not benefit her much commutewise as well. We bought the house together after we got married. And I got my way back than with the location, we had to get a smaller house just because we could not afford anything bigger and nicer. And at that time the market was good for the buyer. So it was more of an investment for us than a dream house and we both had this understanding. I do understand and admit that she compromised back then and it was reasonable, and I promised that we will be looking in a 2-3 years for something that will be much better. And right now she is trying to tell me that I do not want to compromise, but I feel like I do but within the reason... It is not like I am resisting to look at houses at all, even though I am personally pretty much satisfied with what we have. My family might be a factor, but they are not intrusive at all, they don't show up at our doorstep unless we ask Don't tell us how to live our life or anything like this. I talked to her about that and asked straight up if it might be the cause and looks like it is not. I feel like she just really wants a huge brand new house at this point and does not matter where it is. I told her that she might even regret herself later on if she comes to realization that commute eats up to much time and the location is not as good as we are used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Why are you selling the house you have now ? what are her issues with that house/location ? Did you have that house before you were married and she moved into it ? All she wants is a large master bathroom and large kitchen... The new houses that we looked at have that and honestly will be better than any of the houses in our neighborhood. But to be honest they are a little bit over of what is really necessary for our comfort. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 What you're talking about isn't a compromise, just conceding to what she wants. What reason does she have for wanting to move to the location that's a 30-60 minute commute for you? If there is no pressing reason for this besides large bathroom and kitchen, then she's being selfish and a bit ridiculous. I'm sure she can find a house that has what she wants in other areas that wouldn't require such a long commute. That's a fair compromise. Not moving 1 hour away from work just for the sake of a big bathroom and kitchen. This is not even a serious matter. It's one thing where say the new house was 10 minutes from her job and 60 minutes from yours or something like that where it actually benefits one of you...but if it benefits neither of you and the ONLY reason she is insisting is for those upgrades, it's silly. Tell her you'd be happy to go house hunting and she can choose the next house with the stipulation that it is 15-20 minutes max from your family and work, that's a compromise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 What you're talking about isn't a compromise, just conceding to what she wants. What reason does she have for wanting to move to the location that's a 30-60 minute commute for you? If there is no pressing reason for this besides large bathroom and kitchen, then she's being selfish and a bit ridiculous. I'm sure she can find a house that has what she wants in other areas that wouldn't require such a long commute. That's a fair compromise. Not moving 1 hour away from work just for the sake of a big bathroom and kitchen. This is not even a serious matter. It's one thing where say the new house was 10 minutes from her job and 60 minutes from yours or something like that where it actually benefits one of you...but if it benefits neither of you and the ONLY reason she is insisting is for those upgrades, it's silly. Tell her you'd be happy to go house hunting and she can choose the next house with the stipulation that it is 15-20 minutes max from your family and work, that's a compromise. Thanks MissBee. This is basically what I was trying to tell her. Right now getting some silent treatment after our conversation about the "compromise", but she will cool off. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 A new house has many hidden costs. Window treatments, yard etc. Why not take more time and keep searching for something that's not going to be a long commute and push your budget? Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Something's missing from this explanation. You either married a very unreasonable and illogical person - in which case, good luck, get a vasectomy and wait until your kids are in the double digits before leaving, and choose better next time. Or we're not reading the whole story. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I just read your other thread. Why doesn't your wife work? If she wants to make unreasonable demands she can be one the road for an hour each way to HER job. Seriously, why do you keep giving in to an unreasonable woman who acts like a spoiled brat? She doesn't even treat you well - don't buy her anything new. Tell her to get a job and start buying her own things. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 All she wants is a large master bathroom and large kitchen... The new houses that we looked at have that and honestly will be better than any of the houses in our neighborhood. But to be honest they are a little bit over of what is really necessary for our comfort. Since "that's all she wants " then let her go rent a one bedroom apartment then - by herself Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 I read your other post, too. Your wife is an emotional abuser and she continually has you walking on eggshells. You will never make this person happy. Not ever. Try to get yourself out of the mindset that if you eventually do enough things right, you'll have a great or good marriage. It'll never happen. Make sure she doesn't get pregnant before you can get yourself away from this self-centered child. She has no respect or consideration for you or your family. Your will have a lifetime of misery with this person, particularly if you ever have kids. Just ditch her, stop buying into her games, and find a nice woman who doesn't behave like a 2-yr-old. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 I just read your other thread. Why doesn't your wife work? If she wants to make unreasonable demands she can be one the road for an hour each way to HER job. Seriously, why do you keep giving in to an unreasonable woman who acts like a spoiled brat? She doesn't even treat you well - don't buy her anything new. Tell her to get a job and start buying her own things. Yes, she is planning on getting a better paying job at this point. What she is asking is not going to work. I just wanted to see if my thinking is correct on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 Why are you afraid to simply tell your wife no? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2014 Share Posted September 1, 2014 (edited) Yes, she is planning on getting a better paying job at this point. What she is asking is not going to work. I just wanted to see if my thinking is correct on this forum. There is no compromise here. You're the breadwinner and she barely works so making your commute longer just so she can have a bigger house, bigger bedroom etc., IS selfish. And how mature is she giving you the silent treatment, she needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around her needs and desires. I want to go read your other thread but from others have said, it sounds like your wife is high maintenance and expects too much. Edited to add: Okay, read your other thread. So you've been married about 3 years now and still having the same communication problems and she hasn't changed. You do most of the compromising and she raises the bar higher and higher each time. Seriously, put your food down and tell her you two are moving in the same neighbourhood or you can renovate your house that you're in now. Maybe you should ask yourself if this marriage is worth it. You've had to give up friends because of her, she has control issues and treats you badly at times. Edited September 1, 2014 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 There is no compromise here. You're the breadwinner and she barely works so making your commute longer just so she can have a bigger house, bigger bedroom etc., IS selfish. And how mature is she giving you the silent treatment, she needs to realize that the world doesn't revolve around her needs and desires. I want to go read your other thread but from others have said, it sounds like your wife is high maintenance and expects too much. Edited to add: Okay, read your other thread. So you've been married about 3 years now and still having the same communication problems and she hasn't changed. You do most of the compromising and she raises the bar higher and higher each time. Seriously, put your food down and tell her you two are moving in the same neighbourhood or you can renovate your house that you're in now. Maybe you should ask yourself if this marriage is worth it. You've had to give up friends because of her, she has control issues and treats you badly at times. Well I am standing my ground. But it is still s**tstorming for 3 days and looks like not gonna stop anytime soon... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Well I am standing my ground. But it is still s**tstorming for 3 days and looks like not gonna stop anytime soon... Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 Well I am standing my ground. But it is still s**tstorming for 3 days and looks like not gonna stop anytime soon... Then start speaking up! Communicate your wants and needs to her. And tell her no on what she's demanded. Do what's best for your commute and future - with or without her. She's manipulating you now by making you miserable for not getting her way. That's like a two year old. Go to counseling if it will help. But the way she's treated you in the past isn't right. You're going to need to become stronger and have a voice and speak your truth. It's going to take change from you to be active in voicing your opinion and standing firm on what is reasonable. If she continues to treat you terribly - then you have a lot more to consider than just buying a new house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Is this the way you want to live the rest of your life? Definitely not! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gkfluffs Posted September 4, 2014 Author Share Posted September 4, 2014 Then start speaking up! You're going to need to become stronger and have a voice and speak your truth. It's going to take change from you to be active in voicing your opinion and standing firm on what is reasonable. That is where I am at right now. Standing my ground and explaining my point of view using logic and reason. Not letting her manipulate her way... She pulled the health & stress card and blames me for her health problems now, because you see, I am causing her stress for not being able to see her side... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2014 Share Posted September 4, 2014 She pulled the health & stress card and blames me for her health problems now, because you see, I am causing her stress for not being able to see her side... That is finger-pointing and deflection and manipulation. I'm sorry, but this does not bode well at all... Link to post Share on other sites
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