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I feel trapped in my life


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littlebitunsure

I’ve not been feeling happy in my life for a while now, I feel almost trapped and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been married for 4 years and I’ve got a 2 ½ year old son that I love more than anything, I’m just not sure I love my wife anymore. I live a long way from where I grew up (4 hours) and I’ve been feeling homesick recently, which is very strange as until now I’ve had any desire to live there really. I’ve even looked at jobs there and there’s more and better ones (also pay more) there than where I am now. I’ve also never really got over my first love, which I know sounds crazy as I haven’t seen her in about 13 years, although we’re Facebook friends now and swap messages on there – I get a flutter when I see she’s replied.

 

The physical relationship with my wife is almost non-existent; I think we’ve probably had sex at most 10 times since our son was born, all of them initiated by me. I’ve been rejected so many times it’s painful, especially as she’s now started talking about wanting another baby, my first question is going to be either “how do you think that makes me feel?” or “first you have to explain to me your issues with sex?”. I find myself wondering what it would be like if I got divorced, who I would end up with and then inevitably thinking about my first love. The thing is I can’t imagine not seeing my son every day and I grew up in a happy and stable household so I’m not sure I want him to have separate parents. Even if we did split up I couldn’t move away because then I wouldn’t see him so I just can’t see how I can make things better.

 

I can’t move to where I’m from because my wife wouldn’t move there anyway, particularly as we’d probably have to have a smaller house. Whenever we go to there to visit my family I feel so happy and then on the drive back I’m always quiet and spend the time just thinking to myself. I know it all like the back of my hand there, it’s comfortable to me and I never have to pause to work out how to get somewhere – little things like that make it feel right when I’m there. Where I live now, despite being here for 7 years doesn’t really feel like home as such, it’s just somewhere I live and work.

 

I feel like other than our son and the fact we’re married my wife and I don’t really have much in common. I love sport and she doesn’t, which then restricts my enjoyment of it because I’m only “allowed” to play tennis once a week or when I watch football she complains (and I genuinely don’t watch it that much, the only full games I watch are the team I support, whereas other friends and her family watch huge amounts) and it causes issues. That sounds selfish but I’m already compromising by not partaking / watching to the extent I would if say I lived by myself so I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for enjoying it surely? I’d rather be outside doing things but she seems to spend half her life on Facebook / texting / sending messages on whatsapp (one of my pet hates is when I text her and she says later she couldn’t reply because she was with her friends but it’s fine to be buried in it when she’s with me).

 

I just don’t know what to do, part of me just wants to blow up at her and tell her all the things that are getting me down (can’t see how that helps), part of me just wants to tell my first love I’m still in love with her (I’ve got no right to do that to her), part of me wants to suggest we move (I don’t see how that will help) and I just have a million things going round my head. This indecisiveness is why I know there’s something wrong with me, I’m not like this.

 

Generally just feeling very confused / down / trapped and the haphazard manner in which this has all come out reflects that for me. I don’t know who to talk to about it all, I’ve even thought about ringing the Samaritans just to actually talk to someone about it but not sure if that’s appropriate!

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I’ve also never really got over my first love, which I know sounds crazy as I haven’t seen her in about 13 years, although we’re Facebook friends now and swap messages on there – I get a flutter when I see she’s replied.

 

I would wager that's a huge part of your current mind frame. Adding that to your other feelings isn't fair to anyone, your wife, your son, even the first love.

 

Either stop with that and actually commit to your marriage/wife without the temptation of the grass being greener, leave your wife and try to reconnect with the first love or continue being miserable. Please do NOT convince your wife to move right now. I cannot imagine going along with my husband and then finding out part of the reason was so he could go back near his first love.

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Generally just feeling very confused / down / trapped and the haphazard manner in which this has all come out reflects that for me. I don’t know who to talk to about it all, I’ve even thought about ringing the Samaritans just to actually talk to someone about it but not sure if that’s appropriate!

Yes, OF COURSE that is appropriate. It is ALWAYS "appropriate" to seek whatever help you can get from whatever source you most trust.

 

Your continued contact with your "first love" is not going to help matters at all.

It will only help to confuse and distort you real, genuine, true feelings about your current life conditions, circumstances and for the person who is your wife.

 

Have you had an ACTUAL RECENT discussion with your wife about the possibility of moving to your home town; and have you two weighed the pros and cons of that together, keeping in mind mutual goals, values and what is best for the family unit, like adults???

 

I don't get spouse who put limits, constraints on the other spouse's enjoyment of hobbies and interests, whether knitting or football...but I've come to see that it is only a sign of greater, deeper resentments, fears and/or insecurities.

 

Have you considered individual counseling to get to the root of your individual discontent and feelings of unfulfillment? Once you have a bit of a handle on that, then perhaps marital counseling.

 

Call the Samaritans or the people at Marriage Builders or some other resource, ANY OTHER RESOURCE than your own self, right now.

 

And de-friend and detach from, if only temporarily, your "first love". It is not going to help you towards anything long-term positive, beneficial for your marriage and family. It only feels like a potential life-line, right now.

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I understand some of your feelings and situation.

 

One question you say jobs pay better back in your old town? Why then would you need a smaller house.But thats a small point.

 

First thing you need to take control of your life to make it as best for you as you can before deciding to divorce.

 

Your already standing up for no more kids until we address the lack of sexual intimacy. Marriage counseling would be that next step. You could entice her into counseling by searching out a good marriage therapist, perhaps one specializing in sexual therapy, and saying you found a therapist to help you guys work on planning for another child (kind of a lie - but not really - and might motivate her to go).

 

Can you guess ay reasons why the sex nearly disappeared?

 

About the sports or time out with friends - with a small child at home once a week away from home with friends seems reasonable... maybe two. However you do need to take a harder stand about making "some time" for yourself to enjoying things you like to watch. If she complains simply stand your ground and say you love her but wont allow disrespect or being yelled at.

 

Where you live now - I know its not like home, but have you made an effort to explore the town and area? Get involved in any events, social groups, volunteer groups, father groups, and so on?

 

I am not saying this will solve things, but part of my suggestions are merely to help you with the feeling of being "trapped" when you shift in to ways to take some leadership and control of your life where you are at.

 

Only you can decide how important it is for you to remain with your child 24/7 - and one of those considerations is if you stay - will it provide the child with a happy home, or merely your presence and a miserable unhappy father. Also what would be the effect on the child's well being without you around full time or with full support. Spend the time to really think about this. Also maybe (and I may take heat for saying this) if it might make sense to stick it out for a while till your son is older or situations would be better for a divorce.

 

Be very careful with the old love on Facebook, if you are discussing things of an emotional nature -or complaints or negative things about your wife, you could already be cheating, and it also presents an unnecessary focal point for you feeling trapped

Edited by dichotomy
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The sexless marriage epidemic rears its head yet again...

 

Well, here's the deal. Even if you and your wife divorce, your time with your son will be the usual every-other-weekend type of thing. If you're feeling this trapped and miserable, I think you should leave your marriage, solidify a job in your hometown, and move there. Just make sure you're making enough money so that you can afford to drive or fly your son in for your regular visits, and pay child support. Just be aware that just because there are a lot of jobs in a certain location, doesn't mean they're easy to get. Be sure to have a game plan.

 

The above will not be an easy option but festering in misery while feeling trapped is just not the way to live. You have a LOT of years ahead of you and living in a half marriage is just not the way to go. You're not going to be able to sustain it for that long. And probably the reason you feel that you're still in love with the person from your past is because your wife has emotionally abandoned you. Whether it works out with the ex or not, I think you should live where you want to live.

 

If this idea appeals to you and you think it's something you'll do, then don't have sex with your wife ever again. She could end up pregnant again and that will complicate things beyond belief.

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still_an_Angel

Things at home and where you live need to be sorted out first. The issue with your first love is another complication that is adding to your feeling of being "trapped" where you are. I can sympathize with that feeling, you're not happy and that feeling of frustration with everything (job, wife, location) will eventually get to you.

 

I think you should start with yourself, what do you really want for yourself, your wife and son? What and how far are you willing to go to change your life now. An open discussion with your wife is a good start, she is not on the same page with you and based on her plan of having another child with you, it doesn't seem to be that she knows anything about how you're feeling. As another poster has stated, you need to be very careful about having another child with her as this is another bond that could tie you down should you decide to part ways.

 

How do you really feel about moving back home? Is it the family support you wish to have? or is it really because your ex is there? Keep in mind that your ex might be replying on fb but whether this turns out to be a potential relationship is another matter. Whether she's available or not, its your status that says you're not. Getting into this situation is not ideal and will further complicate matters.

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She's preoccupied with your son and tending to his needs while you seek out old flames on Facebook.

 

And you wonder why she doesn't want to jump your bones with the vibe you no doubt are sending....

 

By all means, blame her that your marriage is falling apart.

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I don't know if you are in the states or UK, if the latter I'd strongly recommend going to Relate. It's not just for couples. Otherwise find an independent counsellor and go talk. It really helps. Don't get me wrong, you're the one who has to make the decisions, but IC will help you make the right ones on the way to whatever you decide.

 

Bathtub Row is right about he epidemic of sexless marriages. I think you need to be really, really honest with yourself here. In all honesty is the marriage sexless because she doesn't want you, or because deep down you don't want her and her behaviour is a reflection of your disinterest?

 

Was the ex in your head before and during your marriage? Did you marry your wife because you were it was the next step of dating or because you really, really loved her?

 

When our relationships are in trouble or one ends, we often think of the proceeding one with rose tinted glasses. The advice you have received on here is very good. I would advice against any more children right now though...

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The sexless marriage epidemic rears its head yet again...

 

Well, here's the deal. Even if you and your wife divorce, your time with your son will be the usual every-other-weekend type of thing. If you're feeling this trapped and miserable, I think you should leave your marriage, solidify a job in your hometown, and move there. Just make sure you're making enough money so that you can afford to drive or fly your son in for your regular visits, and pay child support. Just be aware that just because there are a lot of jobs in a certain location, doesn't mean they're easy to get. Be sure to have a game plan.

 

The above will not be an easy option but festering in misery while feeling trapped is just not the way to live. You have a LOT of years ahead of you and living in a half marriage is just not the way to go. You're not going to be able to sustain it for that long. And probably the reason you feel that you're still in love with the person from your past is because your wife has emotionally abandoned you. Whether it works out with the ex or not, I think you should live where you want to live.

 

If this idea appeals to you and you think it's something you'll do, then don't have sex with your wife ever again. She could end up pregnant again and that will complicate things beyond belief.

.

 

I think this is terrible advice. All young marriages go through very difficult times when you start having children. The wife's focus WILL be on the kids for several years - go and speak to some long married couples, they'll all tell you how they almost called it a day when the kids were small. But children grow, and you discover each other again.

 

It's a sacrifice. If you're going to leave every time the relationship becomes stale and focused on the children, you'll become a serial monogamist.

 

You're talking to your first love, someone who is a fantasy, and if you truly want to stay married you will stop that - immediately and completely. Delete and block from Facebook. If you don't do that, you're not really serious about wanting to repair your marriage.

 

The next step is to explain to your wife how unhappy you are, with counselling if necessary. You must exhaust all possibilities before you take any drastic steps like separation.

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.

 

I think this is terrible advice. All young marriages go through very difficult times when you start having children. The wife's focus WILL be on the kids for several years - go and speak to some long married couples, they'll all tell you how they almost called it a day when the kids were small. But children grow, and you discover each other again.

 

It's a sacrifice. If you're going to leave every time the relationship becomes stale and focused on the children, you'll become a serial monogamist.

 

You're talking to your first love, someone who is a fantasy, and if you truly want to stay married you will stop that - immediately and completely. Delete and block from Facebook. If you don't do that, you're not really serious about wanting to repair your marriage.

 

The next step is to explain to your wife how unhappy you are, with counselling if necessary. You must exhaust all possibilities before you take any drastic steps like separation.

 

Well, that's one perspective. But having had a child myself, I can certainly say that it had no impact on my sex life with my husband, and my son wasn't my entire focus. So, what am I? Weird? A bad mother because I desired my husband? Did my son consume a lot of my time? Of course. But he wasn't the only thing that was important to me.

 

Just because most women make the mistake of foregoing all other relationships when they have kids, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. I see this all the time and it's a huge mistake. Why people can't be balanced is something I'll never get. Because here's the deal, if your marriage isn't stable and if it isn't given at least as much importance as the kids, then all that family stuff that women are so big on goes right down the toilet, doesn't it? Like in the case of this man. He fantasizes about someone else because his wife has checked out.

 

You can either insist on being right or decide that there's a possibility this could be a bad choice. People can remain ignorant all their lives until reality comes along and smacks them in the face. Like the amazingly ignorant woman I once read about in a book yrs ago who said, "I just thought we would raise the kids together for 20 yrs or so and when they were gone, we'd get back to our relationship." Really? Put things on hold and think there actually WILL be a relationship in 20 yrs? I'm sorry, that's just amazingly ignorant. That lady learned how smart that was when her husband cheated on her and left.

 

I'm just trying to save this guy the time and heartache that goes with this kind of thing. His wife is unlikely to change and in the meantime, he feels like he's dying. What a lovely way to live.

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Yes, but just saying "cut your losses and leave" is the LAST resort. Someone coming on these boards with these kind of issues needs help exploring what they can do to resolve it. MANY marriages can get over these hurdles.

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She's preoccupied with your son and tending to his needs while you seek out old flames on Facebook.

 

And you wonder why she doesn't want to jump your bones with the vibe you no doubt are sending....

 

By all means, blame her that your marriage is falling apart.

 

Being a great mother doesn't equal being even a decent wife. From what he says, he has a pretty crappy wife.

 

OP two things 1) not talking to her about the issues isn't helping. You are filling your heart with recentment. Give her a chance, if she doesn't know, how can she make it better. Talk to your wife. 2) wondering what if about the ex isn't helping either. Cliche warning she is an ex for a reason. There is likely not much special or contact would have been maintained on some level 13 years? The ex isn't the anwser, she is an escape, the problem is it not fixing the issue at hand and making new ones.

 

Go talk to your wife, give her a chance to fight for the marriage before you blow up her world with infidelity.

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Yes, but just saying "cut your losses and leave" is the LAST resort. Someone coming on these boards with these kind of issues needs help exploring what they can do to resolve it. MANY marriages can get over these hurdles.

 

I agree with that for the most part but I figure that most people who come to this site have exhausted all possibilities already and have been dealing with the problem for some time.

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littlebitunsure

Thanks for the replies everyone, I should probably make a few things clear. I am fully committed to my marriage, I never have and never will "outsource" my needs. The whole thing with my first love I know confuses me and I've never truly gotten over her, we're friends on Facebook but that's it, swap a few messages occasionally. In terms of moving to where I am from, we have talked about it and she said if I was offered a job there too good to refuse she would move but I'm not actively doing anything about it and likely won't be.

 

I'm far from the perfect husband but who is?! I do a lot around the house, all the cooking anwe always make sure we are sharing the load (so to speak) of childcare. I'm not checking out on my marriage and have put a lot of effort in but been physically rejected so many times I can't help but give up on the sex thing. I could list some of the excuses but there are many, a lot of which are frankly ridiculous ("you'll bruise my legs") was the strangest.

 

I think I just needed to get my thoughts and feelings out there, I might well ring the Samaritans just so I can verbalise it to someone. Where I'll go from here I don't know...hopefully somewhere good!

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littlebitunsure

Oh, couple of other things I forgot! Whilst sex is a big part of being loved to me, it's not just sex that we lack - it's genuine intimacy like cuddles on the sofa, spooning, flirting, that sort of thing. Not having all that doesn't make me feel loved, I guess that probably starts to show and create a circular problem though.

 

The other thing is the only reason my ex and I split up was I was going to university and we felt it was best, broke my heart at the time.

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I love sport and she doesn’t, which then restricts my enjoyment of it because I’m only “allowed” to play tennis once a week or when I watch football she complains (and I genuinely don’t watch it that much, the only full games I watch are the team I support, whereas other friends and her family watch huge amounts) and it causes issues. That sounds selfish but I’m already compromising by not partaking / watching to the extent I would if say I lived by myself so I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for enjoying it surely?

 

Do you offer to give her an equal amount of time away from the house where you watch the child, that you would be spending playing tennis or whatever? If not, that might be a deal that you can make.

 

You might be able to make a similar deal about watching games. I assume that when you watch games you are checked out of family life. If you can offer her the same amount of time to do her own thing while you watch the child, that might work.

 

I notice that some fathers treat childcare like babysitting, and assume the wife will be the default parent, and sometimes this causes resentment in the mother. If this is an issue with your relationship, this may be something to talk about and work on so you can better have your needs met for those times you want to do your own thing.

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I see you're starting to downplay your facebook friend now and explain why you can't delete her. It might be innocent now, but these things have a way of creeping up.

 

End your friendship with this woman. And if you still think you shouldn't, here's the litmus test - would you share the friendship and message details with your wife? If not, you are on very shaky ground. And very wrong in excusing the fact that you haven't deleted her.

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Whilst sex is a big part of being loved to me, it's not just sex that we lack - it's genuine intimacy like cuddles on the sofa, spooning, flirting, that sort of thing.

Okay, that's good.

That is YOUR definition of "genuine intimacy" and how/what YOU like/need to feel loved (outside of sex). Does she know this, specifically and absolutely? And if so, what are her reasons for not wanting to be your partner in helping you feel loved? You actually do deserve, and have a right to know, her thoughts and feelings on this.

 

Equally important. What is HER definition of "genuine intimacy" and what does SHE like/need to feel loved?

 

I think this is the second time you've excused some of your own behaviour by saying that you're not the "perfect husband". What is it, exactly, that you already know you are doing that is not promoting total harmony, mutual love, respect, dignity, trust, partnership, friendship...whatever it may be?

 

What do you already know the marriage would benefit from, if you stopped doing or started doing???

 

 

Oh, another thing I almost forgot! Current day, the reasons you and your ex split up are completely irrelevant. If you haven't gotten over that, then get divorced first and then resume that prior, pre-university relationship.

Edited by Ronni_W
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You sound really selfish. It's all about YOU, YOU, YOU.

 

Stop talking about your ex and focus on your marriage. If you're unable to do that then leave your wife and try to get that feeling back with your ex that you felt when you were 17.

 

This way your wife will be free to be with a man who makes his relationship with her a priority because you aren't that guy.

 

Let her find a man because you sound like a whiny teenager and she already has one child to raise...she doesn't need two.

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