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Moocher or Good Housewife?


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I'm in my 3rd semester of graduate school. My wife and I (mid 20s) have been married almost a year and a half. I had a good career and steady income when we were engaged (long distance) and agreed to pay for her last year of undergrad so she wouldn't have to work and do school at the same time. That way when I began gradschool she'd have a degree and she'd be able to support us. Unfortunately she ended up failing most of her classes those last 2 semesters.

 

As you can imagine, I was pretty upset. I was already going to be paying for the wedding. She ended up getting a job at a smoothie place part time and I have a graduate assistantship which pays tuition plus $1,000 per month. The first year of our marriage was rough, not least of which financially. My wife gets sick (or thinks she is sick) a lot, so we had a lot of hospital bills. I ended up having to sell most of our possessions on ebay and craigslist and we got on food stamps to stay afloat. I say I because I was the one to come up with the plan, do all the work, etc. I also took a second job to help out. There was a lot of fighting, but we eventually pushed through it and our relationship progressed a lot since this Spring.

 

My wife quit her part time job making smoothies to be a nanny this March. The pay ended up being about the same, but she enjoyed it a lot more. We knew back in March that the job was only until August, when the child would enter daycare. I was gone all of July on school/work related research but I encouraged her to look for her next job while I was gone. As always our relationship seemed to be a lot better after spending time apart - but when I came back her job was up in 2 days and she hadn't applied to any new places. Needless to say you can't support 2 people on $1,000 per month. I didn't want our relationship to be as bad as it was during our first year so I didn't talk about it until a few days after I had gotten back. She got pretty upset that I told her that she had an obligation to our family to bring more financially. Eventually she applied to Starbucks, something she had been planning on doing all summer. She is pretty excited about working there, but I have no idea how long it will take for them to call her in for an interview, let alone hire her, IF they choose to. My philosophy is to apply to as many jobs as possible in a situation like this, but I can't force my wife, so I have to just accept it.

 

Right after I got back we went to see her family (cross country) who we hadn't been able to see for a year. Our car finally died on us and although I spent 3 days working on it alongside a mechanic from her old church it died again and the repair cost was nearly the value of the car and more than we had, so I had to get rid of the car and we took Greyhound back. Pretty depressing.

So, my last year of gradschool has started and we are living off $1,000 a month with no car, only 1 phone, and no foodstamps (we made enough $ in Spring to cancel them, but now that we may want to get back on apparently I no longer qualify because of local rule changes regarding students). I work from 8 in the morning until 5 most days and then have classes in the evening until 9, so the only time I could work is the graveyard shift, but we have no car, and no one will hire me for weekends only (we live in a small, isolated college town).

 

I feel like I'm doing every thing that I can to help us. My wife keeps the house clean and is very sweet and cooks for me (currently confined to eating beans and rice) but I feel like that is not enough. She's a really hard worker when she has a job and when we were dating she never had any intentions of being a housewife, and not that there's anything wrong with that, but it just doesn't cut it right now. I don't know what to do. My wife comes from a very conservative Christian household and sees it as primarily the husband's job to provide. I believe in equality, but even if I didn't I don't think that applies here.

 

My wife is very sweet towards me and even says she's proud of me, but I'm bitter. The only reason I don't talk about this every day with her is because our first year was hell and I don't want to go through that again. She's also a lot happier than I am with our marriage in general, but I do love her. I'm going to start putting out my resume in October and when I graduate in May I'll have a job in the $65,000 to $85,000/year range. While this is more than enough to take care of us I know that I'll still be bitter. This morning I scheduled a meeting with a counselor (free of charge via school) for next week, but I wanted to get some thoughts from other people, thus I turned here.

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WasOtherWoman

In my humble opinion.. Moocher!

 

Everyone should work, it is not one person's responsibility to provide for the household (unless someone is raising SMALL children).

 

My husband is the CEO of a large public company and I work.... there is no reason for someone to be sitting around the house all day. Housework does NOT take that long.

 

Just my two cents!!

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I have no problem with one spouse not working. In a lot of cases, it makes sense. For example: sick family members, new to an area, sending out multiple applications but not hearing back, young kids, a full volunteer schedule... But if money is tight, there had better be a very good excuse to stay home.

 

What exactly does she do all day? That's what I don't understand about housewives/househusbands. There's so much time! Cleaning can take a while if it was put off for a while and cooking could be time consuming if you are making a fancy meal but it doesn't sound like either one is happening in your case. It sounds like she uses a lot of that time to relax while expecting you to work more.

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My Chrystal Ball is telling me that there is going to be an unplanned pregnancy in your near future.

 

She may or may not be a classic moocher or a gold digger or anything but she sounds like she may be a bit of a slacker and just assumes people are going to take care of her and that she is entitled to someone else doing all the heavy lifting and making all the decisions and putting in th long hours.

 

She sounds more immature and irresponsible than diabolical and calculating.

 

Couple that with a conservative view that men should provide for woman and take care of them and you have the perfect recipe for her to be lax and sloppy with birth control.

 

You better start covering it up and pulling it out. Probably a good idea to just do BJ s and handjobs etc and make sure she can't dig any condoms out of the trash when you're not looking.

 

She is simply not a career/professional oriented woman with high aspirations for career and financial accomplishment.

 

I have the feeling she went to college on her daddy's dime to get her M.R.S. Degree and now that she obtained that, she is going to skate and backslide.

 

If you have dreams of partnering with an ambitious career woman who is going to be your professional and financial equal, you picked the wrong one.

 

If she lead you to believe she was a career woman, you were duped.

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It doesn't matter if she is a "good housewife", as you said yourself no matter what you're going to be bitter. You do not want a housewife.

 

It sounds as though this expectation was clear prior to the marriage, as you said she was supposed to finish her degree and support you both while you are in grad school - I assume that was communicated to her and not just your assumption?

 

If so, you need to sit her down and have a discussion about this because she is not holding up her end of the bargain and you're not happy.

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I'm not really sure what she does most of the day. I know that today she did laundry and heated up leftovers. That's pretty much it. I came home for dinner and then she cried when I left for school again. I held her for a little while and listened to her talk. She said she was overwhelmed with not being able to see me ever. Again, I am confused because I thought it was conveyed before we got married that I was going to be working on campus during the day and doing classes in the evening most days; but I didn't say that I just said that I wish we had more time together as well.

 

Oh, actually she mostly just does church stuff, but even that is in the evenings. She has a babysitting job Thursday night with several families for $16. I thought that was kind of lowballing. If 2 families were going to pay her $16 for the evening, then ok, but $16 total. Do they think she's 13? But at least it's something, and I'm not going to complain to them because that would just be awkward. Am I looking at this wrong?

 

It sounds as though this expectation was clear prior to the marriage, as you said she was supposed to finish her degree and support you both while you are in grad school - I assume that was communicated to her and not just your assumption?

 

This was communicated clearly and we both talked about it. When she started to fail classes she said she felt like she was under too much stress to perform. I think on Friday when we get paid I'm going to talk to her again about applying to multiple places even if we get in a fight. Being able to sit down and plan out a budget for this next month will give me a chance to illustrate our need for additional income.

 

It's not that I have anything against housewives, as someone pointed out. Sometimes you have to stay home with a sick family member or raise kids or perhaps you have a big house, I dunno... but why would you just want to do that here? We don't even have a TV or internet. Speaking of which, she wants to buy a TV next month, which should be a good opportunity to show how we don't have enough income right now. No TV without a job.

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fieldofdaisies

I have a few questions, because I'm a lot like her in that I have always liked being home with my children, and enjoyed being a housewife.

 

What did she major in in college? I'm guessing that it might have been elementary education or something to do with children? She likes children, so for more income she could try substitute teaching, doing home daycare which would help prepare her for parenting before you have a baby of your own, or even being a foster parent to one child, if you have the room in your home. I think being a foster parent brings an income of at least $1000 a month, more if the child is disabled with special needs.

 

She sounds like she isn't comfortable in the office/work world and is probably introverted. I am this way too. After staying at home so long, I've had trouble getting back in the workforce, unfortunately. I've been substitute teaching and watching friends' kids for the past few years since my youngest is now 6.

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I hear you. I was in a marriage with (by my agreement) a wife that remained at home. That developed her mental and physical health issues. She ended up quite vegitative and depressed. Some of her friends also fell into it. So, I developed an opinion that both parents need to work, forget money, just to be happy, I have a goal of both working. And the contraceptive failures warned of in this thread, yep, watch out.

 

I'm not really sure what she does most of the day. I know that today she did laundry and heated up leftovers. That's pretty much it.

I've been thru it, this sentence sounds bad because it is.

 

Regarding you both getting graduate degrees, that might be a little over the top. What if she just got a secure job as a mailman for example, no further education, felt loved and secure with it? Would that work with you?

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Why did you marry her after she flunked her last year of undergrad?

 

Have you talked to her about what you expect her financial roll to be? You better get that worked out before oldshirt's prediction about an unplanned pregnancy comes to fruition.

 

If you want out, get out before kids

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I have a few questions, because I'm a lot like her in that I have always liked being home with my children, and enjoyed being a housewife.

 

 

Yes, but the thing is ... we don't have kids. She was getting her Associates in Early Childhood Ed. Our plan was for her to be a preschool teacher or something similar while I was in school. To be a foster parent you have to have a minimum income of a certain level, which we do not meet. Kind of ironic. But that is a good idea for the future.

 

I hear you. I was in a marriage with (by my agreement) a wife that remained at home. That developed her mental and physical health issues. She ended up quite vegitative and depressed.

 

She does sleep a lot and she gets sick a lot. She hit her head on the greyhound bus 2 weeks ago and has been getting headaches ever since. She thinks she had a concussion. I was there and saw her hit her head on the overhead compartment. It looked like it hurt and maybe she did have a concussion, I don't know a lot about concussions, but she didn't black out or even have a headache after that. It wasn't really until we got back. She hasn't been going outside because the heat is giving her headaches.

 

It's often difficult for me to figure out what's really going on. Before that she thought she had morgellon's disease where fibers were coming out of her skin. I saw a few little black fibers or flakes but couldn't tell if it was from her shirt or something else. I have no idea if this is a real disease or not. Technically it's diagnosed as a mental disorder where you think you have parasites coming out of your skin and you constantly scratch which makes you develop actual wounds. I did some research and came to the conclusion that it might possibly be your body expelling toxins or something like that from processed food so I told her that I got that information from researching at school and that the treatment is just to eat clean and it will go away. She followed my advice and now doesn't think she has it. The funny thing is that we ate really unhealthy on our 10 day vacation with her family and she didn't think or didn't notice any of those "fibers," so I have no clue of this disease is real, if my best guess diagnosis was accurate, or if it was a bunch of crap, but she no longer thinks she has parasitic fibers. Last year we went through all sorts of stuff like her thinking she got herpes from a girl at work who had a cold sore even thouogh she didn't drink after the girl and didn't have any bumps. Then she became convinced that she must have given us genital herpes (we don't) and which turned into her crying and us not having sex for a week. I was exasperated but I think I did a decent job in being understanding, trying to convince her we didn't have any diseases, and holding her most nights even if I was thinking in my head "WTF." This year has not nearly been that bad although one time we rushed to the emergency room because she was convinced she was dying, but it was just a panic attack.

 

Regarding you both getting graduate degrees, that might be a little over the top. What if she just got a secure job as a mailman for example, no further education, felt loved and secure with it? Would that work with you?

Actually I just want her to finish her Associate's Degree. She failed out of a private Christian college before we met but then 2 years later went to community college and did really well her first year there, then she flunked again after we got engaged. She would be happy to be a preschool teacher or something similar and she is good with kids. That was actually our plan. She would do some kind of full time job like that while I was in school. Of course, she's never had a full time job or paid rent or bills other than the phone in her life, but I didn't really think that was a big deal when we were dating. I explained to her earlier that I just wanted her to do something that made her happy most of all, but if she couldn't then at least do something.

 

She confided that she thought I wanted her to make a lot of money and I basically said so long as you are doing your best and if at all possible working full time we would be much better off. Just doing that would be about $20k a year working minimum wage. She thought that was a lot of money. She grew up in a single parent household where that's what her mom made. If that's the best you can do with your circumstances, then I don't have a problem with it and I'd be proud. My issue is that I don't think I can depend on her and I don't think she's doing her best.

 

Also, we have no kids, no internet, no tv... why would you stay home? She wants to work at Starbucks, but is it worth waiting around weeks...months... til they perhaps never call?

 

Last night I came back for dinner and she started crying because she said she never sees me. I held her and told her I wish I saw her more too, but I have to work and do school. Then when I got back from my evening class she tried to make popcorn in the crockpot because we haven't turned our stove on in our new apt since it's gas operated/requires $ to set up and it didn't work out. She also made us a scrabble game by cutting out pieces of notecards since I like scrabble. None of it worked and she started crying and I just felt awful. If she had a job we wouldn't have had to try using the slowcooker to make popcorn and we could have gotten a really board game. I also felt awful because I know she wanted to make me happy, but it was just apples to oranges.

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WasOtherWoman

I have to be honest here.... I honestly believe this young lady will be an albatross around your neck for your entire life. :(

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Marriage is a partnership and you are basically dealing with an adult dependent. She is CLEARLY showing you who she is. I would sit down and go over what you need for an equal partner in a clear and calm manner. It is on her to step up or not. Be prepared you may have a temper tantrum or hysterics when you put down a boundary (much like a child).

 

She sounds exhausting and I would be bitter too. I can't stand a partner that doesn't carry their end of the bargain and help with the marital load. Personally I would say, she is obviously who she is and it isn't going to change and divorce. But I am sure you want to exhaust other avenues prior to that.

 

I do agree, make sure birth control is used.

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Well, everyone has given you some good advice, so I wanted to chime in on her mental condition, or hypochondria. The more time she has on her hands, the more illnesses and rare diseases she's going to acquire.

 

If you can possibly work this topic into your counseling, do so. It will only get worse if you don't address it. If, as others predict, she gets pregnant, expect a new crop of pregnancy related issues. In short, a pregnancy will be hell.

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Good point, I will bring that up next Tuesday, which was the soonest that I could get an appointment with a counselor. We have talked about her hypochondria before. She laughs at some of her misdiagnoses, but it's really serious at the time. She looks up to me because I "never get sick." Now that I think of it, it's kind of like she's projecting her ideal man on me - provider, strong and healthy, etc. and I'm really flattered and do want to be that way, but I also want a wife, not someone that often feels like a child.

 

We had several doctors trips last year for this mysterious pain in her side, got referred to specialists and they did all sorts of tests and scans but found nothing. Some of the doctors basically concluded it was a gallbladder problem, though there were no physical symptoms. We also went to the ER once because she thought she was having a heart attack, but it ended up just being heartburn. **** expensive. While I was gone this summer she also went to the doctor. I don't really remember why. It may have been for the morgellons, fibers coming out of her skin thing, which ate up a lot of the money I made over my summer work.

 

Oh yeah, and she just happened to forget to take her pill. I honestly don't think she's trying to get pregnant - she says she wants to be absolutely healthy, kick caffeine, eat only clean food, no medicines or alcohol, all sorts of stuff before she gets pregnant, but I never know. I mean I really don't believe she would do that on purpose, she has an alarm every day that goes off to remind her; but it will have to be condoms or oral only for a while now. Speaking of which we are kind of different in our sexual interests. She wants basically just straight penis in vagina, where as I want to flirt during the day, leave romantic or dirty messages, push her up against the wall, down on the bed, maybe a little light bondage, spanking, talking dirty, spontaneously making out etc. When I flirt with her she just stares blankly back at me or ignores me and I've made it clear that I crave verbal foreplay but mostly the sacrifice has been mine. She tries to make it up to me in other ways, like she'll give me a 30 minute long massage which is pretty awesome, but it's still not the primary way I like to convey affection and sexuality. Of course, I think this is something minor compared to our finances, but it just goes to show our innate differences.

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^^^Wow!^^^

 

I just want to say you sound like a great, responsible, fun husband!

 

 

I wish you nothing but the best, will say a prayer for you.

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Marriage is a partnership and you are basically dealing with an adult dependent. She is CLEARLY showing you who she is.
Painfully true.

 

Ron it sounds like your situation is at a fork in the road. Plan A or B.

 

A) You creatively express your love for her, while trying to get her working in a place that is above minimum wage (social not financial reasons), and do it without being too pushy or adversarial = a little hard. Working minimum wage will put her in contact with other disadvantaged folks. Working a hit above that (hotel receptionist, mail carrier, airport staff, university staff, park ranger tour guide, etc.) will bring her in contact with more intelligent and emotionally stable people. Mine went the minimum wage route, ended up with a huge pity party effect to support her into the abyss.

 

B) You continue to recognize legitimate inadequacies in her, and you will lose respect for her, and the marriage will fail, or like me your marriage fails and then you wait a decade to split.

 

I went for plan B in mine, my case kind of made that neccessary, this isn't about me, it's about you. Some thoughts: Some marriage counselors can in their weaker moments be too woman centric, and/or try to negotiate a middle ground between unreasonable choices, if a behavior is completely out of line, the MC must address it, not try to find a halfway point. I would investigate the MC you choose very carefully.

 

I sense a sheltered upbringing in her which led to being inadequately prepared for life. The christian colleges sometimes do this, I am quite christian myself, but half of the Christian school/college kids I knew ended up failing miserably. When families start expecting this label "Christian" on everything they do and subscribe to, it becomes the work of Pharisees. A closer look at Christ's positive interactions with heathens shows a plan for life that satisfies both my religious and secular interpretations. As you may concur, state run community colleges are a good start.

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WasOtherWoman
The more time she has on her hands, the more illnesses and rare diseases she's going to acquire.

 

.

 

Yes, I have always found it interesting that folks who don't work (I have friends like this) always seem to develop strange and rare diseases or disorders that either require multiple trips to the doctor OR them staying in bed for days on end.

 

Nothing that a JOB won't solve... Funny how people who work full time don't seem to have time for these crazy illnesses, isn't it????

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Looking forward towards the future, the repeated failures in school is going to become more of a problem.

 

OP, as you grow in life - and your education - I feel you are going to become more bitter at attaching yourself to someone who continually enrolls to further her education, but repeatedly comes up short in those capabilities.

 

Before you go and buy a television, perhaps re-directing the funds to a tutor or someone that can help her pass the necessary classes for a higher education would be a better choice?

 

Lastly, now that you have posted your sexual differences, I don't feel this relationship will bode well in the long run. You two have vastly differing views of companionship, life choices, and compatibility. She is going to mire in her abilities as you will grow into new ones and leave her behind; intellectually, emotionally, and sexually.

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If I could like Carrie's advice more than once, I would.

 

Concise and 100% on target. OP, I hope you'll take some of these suggestions into counseling with you!

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Oh dude. Run before you get her pregnant. Wish someone had told me that 3 years ago (actually they did, but I didn't listen, haha!)

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Yes, I have always found it interesting that folks who don't work (I have friends like this) always seem to develop strange and rare diseases or disorders that either require multiple trips to the doctor OR them staying in bed for days on end.

 

Nothing that a JOB won't solve... Funny how people who work full time don't seem to have time for these crazy illnesses, isn't it????

 

My ex husband was like this. Now he did have a full time job but one he didn't like but was too afraid to try and change it.

 

I remember one of the pinnacle times I realized we just weren't a fit was when he started going to webmd.com to diagnose all of these mystery illness he had, must tied to a lack of exercise and fulfillment. Anyway, one day convinced he was having a heart attack, I rushed him to the emergency and we waited in there. He was looked at and poked and prodded until they said they couldn't find anything and on a scale of 1-10 what was his pain level.

 

He said a 2. :eek:

 

I have cramps worse than a 2.

 

I knew the issue was he was bored in his life, didn't do anything, was depressed but refused any help. He allowed the fear of unknown, failure, and laziness stop him from just trying to enjoy life.

 

I realized I lost all respect for him and we were not a fit. I couldn't be with someone that would just sit at the window allowing life to pass them by.

 

So in a similar situation I divorced. And I can tell you it did prompt him to make changes. I think our relationship depressed him and pulled him down but no pleas of help or change were going to change it. It took taking "us" out of the scenario to effect a dramatic change.

 

So, for us, actually ending our relationship was the best for both parties.

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How was your wife's home life? Did she have a good dad?

 

Because it is almost like she has taken on the role of child in this marriage. You are her daddy, and it is your job to take care of her.

 

She needs to find her purpose. Starbucks isn't it. In order to get strength and power and confidence, she needs to have some kind of MEANING in her life (and yes, a woman who is feeling rudderless like this is likely to orchestrate an unplanned pg, but she is not ready!)

 

But she isn't here. You are here. So let me offer you some advice...

 

You have to work on changing the way you view your marriage. It isn't you vs. her, and you bringing in money and her not. It's both of you working TOGETHER to make this work. Right now, she is in a place where she needs you to be the strong one and hold her up. This is not a burden to become bitter about, but a challenge to rise up to.

 

If you are the one with the strength and energy to get things done, then HELP her. Have talks with her about what she may want to do with her life. Do the research to find education or opportunities. Help her find connections in the industry she wants to go into. Send her inspiring articles. And never never let her see bitterness. Be encouraging and celebrate every small step in the right direction, just like you would a child.

 

As far as the sex goes, it is possible she may open up some. But she needs to be in a place where she feels confident and strong... and she can't be there when she has no purpose and feels worthless.

 

Put your needs aside for now. Step One is helping her up. Be very very loving too, so that she doesn't resent your help.

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I am sorry fo the struggle and disappointment you feel, but I am even more sorry that you don't feel close enough to your wife to let her know how you really feel. There is help available. If she has a Christian background you could make an appointment with a local Pastor to talk through things with him/her. There is one thing I do know, if you plan on being bitter then you certainly will be. It doesn't appear from what you have written that your wife has any idea you really feel this way. Do you think that is fair? Communication and conflict resolution are key components to building intimacy and trust in a marriage. How do you think keeping this inside is going to help? I know about a free counseling service done through a Christian ministry. If you are interested send me a private message and I will provide the details. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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Painfully true.

 

Ron it sounds like your situation is at a fork in the road. Plan A or B.

 

A) You creatively express your love for her, while trying to get her working in a place that is above minimum wage (social not financial reasons), and do it without being too pushy or adversarial = a little hard. Working minimum wage will put her in contact with other disadvantaged folks. Working a hit above that (hotel receptionist, mail carrier, airport staff, university staff, park ranger tour guide, etc.) will bring her in contact with more intelligent and emotionally stable people. Mine went the minimum wage route, ended up with a huge pity party effect to support her into the abyss.

 

THIS!!! Her brother and her mom basically work minimum wage jobs and that's what she has always done. There is no concept of career progression. Her mom has 2 degrees from a Bible college, but they are worthless outside of a church because the school was not accredited. She never got a job working for a Church, so she went back to school for an associates in graphics (she's a great artist) but didn't get work in that, so she's worked at a plant making about $20k a year for the last 20 years despite having 3 degrees. Likewise, her brother has a degree from a Bible College, although it is accredited but he's worked at McDonald's for the past 16 years. He's 33, so I don't think he's ever had another job. I have nothing against working at McDonalds during HS or College, but there is no sense of career progression or using your degree. He isn't even an assistant manager. They give him the max amount for just an employee, which is great, but come on! To his credit, he has had 2 kidney transplants and he often gets UTIs, so he has had to go through a lot, but I'm just not sure why he hasn't accepted a higher job or gone looking for something different. He is the associate pastor at their church, but it is kind of small so the position isn't paid. He also teaches multiple Bible studies and ministry groups. I admire all of this about him, and he's a very smart and giving man, but I just don't see how you could be 33 and still living at home working 18 hours a week at McDonalds as you primary job. I'm not being too harsh am I? One of her sisters went to a Bible school and got a degree in Nursing. She had a good nursing job for a while but now she stays at home and homeschools. She's great at it and at taking care of the house. See, I'm not anti-house wife. Her other sister is a single mom of 2 kids and hasn't had a job in I'm not sure how many years. She is going to college right now. They don't have a car so it's difficult for her to find a job I guess.

 

My ex husband was like this. Now he did have a full time job but one he didn't like but was too afraid to try and change it.

 

I remember one of the pinnacle times I realized we just weren't a fit was when he started going to webmd.com to diagnose all of these mystery illness he had, must tied to a lack of exercise and fulfillment. Anyway, one day convinced he was having a heart attack, I rushed him to the emergency and we waited in there. He was looked at and poked and prodded until they said they couldn't find anything and on a scale of 1-10 what was his pain level.

 

He said a 2. :eek:

 

I have cramps worse than a 2.

 

!!!! it's like we married the same person. When she got to the ER after thinking she was having a heart attack she told the nurse that her pain level was a 2 and they looked at her weird. I didn't take any risks because she had a very serious eating disorder growing up and I know that can affect your heart. It was just a big, expensive gamble, however. She also used to spend a lot of time reading WebMD back when we had internet. That and watching DR Phil and Nanny 911.

 

 

 

How was your wife's home life? Did she have a good dad?

 

Her mom was previously married to a pastor who lost his position due to domestic violence against her mom before she was born. Her dad was a boyfriend later on whose relationship with her mom ended about the time she was born (he proposed but she said no). When we were dating I thought she had a pretty good relationship with her dad. She said lots of fond things about him and showed me pictures, but after we were married I found out that they only saw each other 4 times before he died. I already knew that he died of cancer when she was 9. He was a lot older - he was like 57 and her mom was 37 when she was born. So she had no real male figure in the house other than her brother. She is very close to her half siblings, and they just call each other siblings which is awesome.

 

 

I am sorry fo the struggle and disappointment you feel, but I am even more sorry that you don't feel close enough to your wife to let her know how you really feel.

 

Thank you. Actually, we did go to marriage counseling last Fall. She's known how I've felt from the beginning. We fought over a lot of things early on. Since about February I've been trying to be less abrasive about things and I've tried to give her more time. We dated long distance and although we are very similar in some ways we are very different in others. Believe me, she knows what I think. She also has said on multiple occasions that I should have married someone else, a "college girl" or a "business girl" or someone more educated. I have to tell her that it's not about the money or the education, it's about the effort. I would much rather be with a blue collar girl who will go help out at the drop of a hat than an educated girl who doesn't use it.

Edited by Ron103
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Whatitistoburn

Ron, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Previous posters have given you great advice. You sound like a really great husband and I wish things will be better for you.

 

I'm a housewife, too. I quit my job after getting married because of issues with shifts. It was his call. We have a big house and pets. I do everything but he helps sometimes. Every now and then, I get a cleaner in to help out as it can get overwhelming for me. Yes, I agree, housework can be done in a few hours but I've been doing this for nearly 8 years and it still drains me, makes my hands and knees hurt, etc. I'm only 30 but it makes me feel old. Like your wife, I'm an introvert with a conservative, kind of religious background. I've been depressed and somewhat a hypochondriac. I have a low self esteem. It used to work for my advantage as it drove me to strive for perfection. I got a degree from a great school and graduated with honors. I think not working for a while after getting marriage was okay but I think it was mistake to not go back to work again after a year or two. Because 5 years later, it's proving to be so difficult to go back. My world has revolved around my husband and our home and after so many years, I'm afraid to go back to jobhunting - I'm afraid to fail. Luckily, we never had financial issues. I do some income generating things, too, btw :)

 

I'm sharing this in the hopes that maybe it will sort of help in understanding your wife. I know you've been very patient, understanding and supportive with her. She sounds immature and I'm sure my husband will say this about me, too. She seems to be in an emotional state right now. I think she does want to get a good job (but feels she can't) and I think she is aware of what's going on with your finances and stuff and it's making her feel depressed thinking she's not helping. She thinks she's not good enough esp since she doesn't really have a good track record at being successful at something. She's feeling hopeless. So let her know you are there and that you love & support her. If it's difficult to be loving at this point because of everything that's going on, then, try and remember what made you fall in love with her when you were dating. This is important to make this work. It's important that don't talk to each other angry because of the situation. How about taking her out on a date. You don't have to spend $. You just have to make time. You can take her to a beautiful place for a picnic or something. Something you both would enjoy or try do something that you both used to do when you were dating. And when you feel it's the right time to talk, then, talk. Be honest, open, gentle and sensitive. Listen and Let her know you support her. Express your side, the situation at home and how it makes you feel. Then, help her make some action plans so that the two of you can sort things out together. She's emotional. You're logical. Help her see your side. Help her be logical and practical. She has to put her emotions aside, get up on her feet and try harder. Finding a good job is the answer to all her troubles and she should see that. I hope she will and if that happens, the result should be good for your marriage to address financial issues but most importantly, to strengthen your bond and prepare you for what's to come. You're only 1 1/2 years into this. There will be more issues sadly. And with that, good luck to all of us, married folks! ;)

Edited by Whatitistoburn
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