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What does the "work" of R look like over the years after an affair?


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betrayedandhurting

If you search my story you find that I am 8 weeks past D-Day, got trickled truthed but my wife is NC and seems very remorseful aside from the lies to "protect" me from some the worst parts. I am likely divorcing (please don't hammer me to divorce, do that on the other thread...) based on the magnitude of her betrayal which is huge but there is a question that I have had for sometime and I wonder if some of you who have spent significant time in R after an affair can address...

 

Everyone talks about the "work" of Reconcilition. They say some can't "put in the work". What did you R look like over time. They say it takes years, 2-5, 1-4, forever etc. Ok what did those years look like? Did you talk about the affair everyday? Did you do MC and IC for months or years on end? Did you trigger constantly even years into and ruin all your days? Was most of the time "normal" marriage with occasional timeouts to deal with the affair?

 

I'm trying to get a grip on what R looks like, because to me there seems to be two extremes... living life happily with your spouse, hopefully in a new and more open loving relationship, or bitter pain and distrust and the conversations that go in circles. What did a "normal" week look like to you 6, 12 months in? How about years in?

 

Thanks. (PS: Again I preparing to file on my wife for years and years of betrayal even if she is now "sorry" but I wondered this question for the last 2 months...)

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It will sound cliche...but it is different, to one or another degree, for everyone.

 

If you are considering that you might want to first see if and/or how you might restore a loving, respectful, trusting relationship with your wife, then the 'Infidelity' section at Marriage Builders offers some fairly good insights into how the process of reconciliation can look.

 

Best of luck.

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Hi There,

 

I can share my experience with my ex hubby who changed behavior patterns 3 years after our son was born. He was messing around with a colleague at work. I spied on him and found out it started in 2004

 

I was devastated and fought for a couple of years to keep us together. It felt like I was fighting alone most of the time and, although I went to therapy, he refused to go to MC. The therapy helped me get over the initial hurt and I wanted to believe we could work it out.

 

I organized family holidays, surprise weekend trips for just us two, and initially we maintained regular bed time sessions - I was driven to keeping him happy so he wouldn't feel the need to stray from home. In 2005 we even invested in some buy to let properties. I stupidly thought that if we had a project together then we also had a life together. I desperately wanted to maintain a stable and happy home life for our son.

 

Early 2007 I simply couldn't continue - The bottom line was I couldn't forgive him and, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't shake the betrayal.

 

Our sex life went down the tubes, we didn't share his affair with our families and put on a front for both sets of parents and even friends. This was a strain in itself - saving appearances and playing happy families. At home the conversations became focused on practical and organizational issues only. He refused to discuss the affair and the related issues - I even tried writing him letters, proposed to talk over the phone if it was easier - but he never answered. So then I gave up and started writing my own diary.

 

During the 3 years we remained together the worst was to see his lack of responsiveness, lack of regrets and lack of a genuine apology. His behavior allowed me to progressively reach a state of near indifference even though we were still living together. I was also working on my own insecurities via the therapy

 

From the moment I told him I was done with trying and wanted freedom - he then started making every effort to repair and re-kindle the relationship, organizing weekend trips etc. He even started writing me letters - oh yes and then he even said sorry. It seemed as though our roles had become inverted.........but for me it was simply too little too late I was already stone cold.

 

We separated with shared custody of our son and later divorced. Our relationship today is OK, he is a good father and we still co-own some property.

 

We didn't make it because the communication was lousy, we both had at times the desire to stay together ..... but those desires were never in sync and we didn't or couldn't meet half way.

 

Looking back I wish I could have walked away earlier (and also not bought those shared properties) and I feel we both lost 3 years of our lives flogging a dead horse.

 

I'm not saying it can't work out, but both partners need to be a 100% invested in the efforts required and leave any bitterness behind - which is more easier said than done.

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I can tell you we never reconciled in the way many people boast about - deeper closer more intimate.

 

We also never divorced yet either.

 

Somewhere between 4 and 8 years after D day - It kind of came to a mutual agreement/settlement that was moderately tolerable to each of us. It required a shift in both of us - I would say her upward, and me downward.

 

It has also been complicated over the years by an up and down - but mostly declining - sex life in our marriage. This additional "pain" or loss of sexual passion and frequency - complicates the "other" reconciliation.

 

I tend to think of these things like loosing a body part (or parts) to cancer or accident or incident. Some folks loose hope and become depressed and withdraw from life over the loss of body parts/functioning, some learn to embrace life with this kind of loss and become motivated to overcome the loss and be more, and yet others kind of continue on with more practical understanding that something has been lost but life goes on and **** happens - your not happy about it - but life goes on just a bit less than before.

Edited by dichotomy
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compulsivedancer

The first six months was daily conversations, sitting with H and holding his hand for hours through pain, misery, anger, hurt, much of it directed at me. Just being there for him. Apologizing. Pushing him to tell me his thoughts.

 

Trying to be better. Putting in more effort in areas I had formerly been lax in. I put more effort into my job search, housework, the finances, personal hygiene, etc.

 

I asked questions and answered his questions. One time early on I spent five hours reading out loud the highlighted portions of a transcript of my text conversations with OM, and answering questions (that was probably the hardest thing he ever asked me to do).

 

I didn't contact OM, and I talked through my feelings and struggles with H. I tried to be mindful of H's triggers.

 

I joined LS to try to understand the process and what H was going through.

 

I opened up my phone and my life to H and let him have full access. I even read him portions of my diary and told him about my postings on LS, which both helped him to understand where I was coming from and helped him verify what I said.

 

I offered to let him track my location through my cell (he did not take me up on this). I checked in frequently, and let him know where I was going to be and if I was going to be late and why. When I went out with friends, I texted him pictures of us together so that he knew I was where I said I was. A year and a half later, I still try to check in frequently and let him know if I'm running late.

 

It happened in batches. The first six months were the intense conversations for hours on end. The second six months were more about watching for triggers, checking in and making sure to take regular measure of the relationship, as well as be open to answering questions and being patient about the sane thing over and over.

 

The third six months have been about remembering how to be happy. Figuring out how to coexist, watching out for each other, giving each other space when we need it, and achieving some normalcy.

 

Now we're beginning the fourth six months, which seem to be about moving on and figuring out how to make a new future. How to not constantly think about the past. We are in those long relationship moments. The questions these days are along the lines of: "Is it too soon to start making long term plans again?" and "Is this as good as it gets?"

 

I think our timeline may be on the shorter side of things. We've come a long way, but there's still healing to be done.

 

I hope that helps.

Edited by compulsivedancer
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I've been in this situation but I'm not sure you'll be able to relate to it for the most part. I had a very, very hard time getting past the affair my husband had. It didn't go on for long but he was an abusive personality so that was a factor in me ultimately not being able to get past it.

 

I did cry a lot and asked a lot of questions and he soothed me and answered me. That went on for several days or weeks, if I remember correctly. I'm not saying that people can't get past an affair but the thing that shocked me was how the innocence in the relationship was lost. And it seemed lost forever. I could never tease him anymore when he went off somewhere like saying, "behave yourself". It just took the fun out of everything and even when I somewhat got past it, it would rear it's ugly head again out of the blue. I hated feeling like that, hated that I could get blindsided at the most unexpected times when I thought I was past it.

 

I remember thinking about certain things - like how, no matter what the outcome was, our relationship was forever changed. The person who had the affair has to be transparent about every single thing they do from that moment on and they can't ever waver from that. If they do, you're right back where you started. I really don't know how people do it. At the same time, I don't know your circumstances and I don't know if your wife is willing to do whatever she has to do to make things right again. It's not your job to do the work -- it's hers. If she can truly remain open and honest with you, if she can convince you beyond a shadow of a doubt that she learned her lesson, then I suppose you could work towards making it. But, that's what you would be dealing with and that's what it would look like for the first couple of years, at least.

 

After that, perhaps it wouldn't matter so much and you may end up glad that you gave it a shot and that the two of you made it. But there are a lot of steps on that very high ladder that must be taken before you can get there. And there's no guarantee you'll get there.

 

If you're really wanting to keep your marriage together, then the only way you're going to know the answers is to actually give it a try. Only you know if you can do that or not.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's very sad.

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twosadthings

To me it would depend on what kind of life you could settle for. If you don't like the word settle substitute "be happy with". You'll never have the poster children marriage you described in your other thread ever again. She can't ever be as special or shiny as she was. Your time away from her will always have doubts about what she is doing even if she is remaining faithful.

 

So much of what you are looking for must come from the person you no longer trust. I've said it before in other postings of mine, the trust you had in her was not put there by her, it came from you. She was only able to destroy it. Can you restore that trust over time? I'm sure it can be done, but it will take time and effort on both your parts. The question in my mind is the risk now worth the reward in light of the deminshed value she now has.

 

She was selfishly indulging herself with the concept that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you. What does she say about facing the consequences of her actions? You didn't find out for seven or eight years this time. Next time she will be smarter. What are the reactions to these and other questions you put to her? Be comfortable with her answers before you chose to stay in the marriage.

 

In my mind a truly and demonstrably remorseful spouse with one hundred percent of a life with your children is preferable to a new untested relationship with someone else and fifty percent of the time with your kids.

 

To finally try to answer your question, it can be done but only after you ask the question if the effort is worth it.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

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