He sent her a message on Facebook...

[TealQueen]

My fiance and I have been together over 2 years. We moved in together 3 months ago. Things are going well and we are planning our wedding.

A little over a year ago, we had a bit of an issue, with him going back on Match.com for a little, I found out, we broke up for a few days, then he apologized and we talked it out and got back together. Things have been great since.

Well, during that time (again, over a year ago) my friend used a fake facebook account to send him a message, pretending to be a girl that saw his account on Match.com and wanted to say hey.

The message said, "Hey there! I just saw your profile on Match.com and wanted to say hey. How's it going?"

Since they didn't have friends in common, the message she sent went into the "Other" folder. The one you don't get a notification for. So, he never saw it.

Well, I guess he found the Other folder a few nights ago, because he read the message. I saw the picture of the girl on his computer when I came into the living room. He switched screens.

So, I logged into that account to see if he responded. He didn't.

Well, I logged on today, and he did respond a couple nights ago.

 

He said, "Hey, it's going well. How are things going with you?"

And he sent her a friend request.

 

Now, I know that message is nothing harmful. There's no flirting or anything. But I don't know, if this was happening to me, I'd probably have mentioned that in the year it took me to see the message, I got engaged. Idk.

 

Is this something that should alarm me?

Should my friend reply to the message, still pretending to be that girl?

[CarrieT]

Is this something that should alarm me?

Absolutely.

 

Should my friend reply to the message, still pretending to be that girl?

You *could* play that game and see how far he goes.

 

Regardless, if the wedding is imminent, you should - at least - postpone it and do not marry this man. He has proven himself untrustworthy.

 

You haven't indicated how old you two are. I would heartily recommend not marrying until you are in your LATE 20s, early 30s are better.

[bathtub-row]

Yes, I would find it alarming. Now that your friend has taken it this far, get her to accept the friendship and then see if he continues to contact her.

[d0nnivain]

It's important because the message was from somebody on a dating site. I don't understand exactly how FB & Match interact but if he realized that the message came from somebody on a dating site, as an engaged man he should have deleted it.

 

You need to tell him you know & ask why he did it. Be as calm as possible but don't proceed with the engagement until you are satisfied with the answer.

[dogeared]

Completely agree with the above poster. Don't play games, just tell him you know and see what he has to say about it.

[Poppygoodwill]

it would worry me, I have to say. AT this stage, he doesn't have to say somethign provocative for it to be flirty. The fact that he emailed her back at all is flirty enough, given the tone of her message. The fact that he switched screens and didn't mention it, especially since you've been through the episode, that's cause for concern too. If you confront him, maybe he'll tell you: I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you. And if you tend to react strongly to things, then that might be reasonable on his part.

 

But then again - why respond to her? Why friend her? Why not just let sleeping dogs lie, knowing that he's just been engaged? Why pursue it at all?

 

Because he's not behaving in a trustworthy way.

 

If you get your friend to game him, then be prepared to learn something you don't want to know. Also, you won't come out looking very good for playing games.

 

But if you just confront him then you might not believe what he says anyhow, since you clearly don't trust him now and still won't. So you'll just go into snoop mode and drive yourself a little bit crazy wondering what, and when, you'll find something incriminating.

 

Better to know than to wonder, so I would have her write him back (but not friend him) and see how far he takes it. Maybe - hopefully - he'll show that he's got boundaries and refuse to cross them with her. Fingers crossed.

Edited August 24, 2014 by Poppygoodwill

[whichwayisup]

He said, "Hey, it's going well. How are things going with you?"

And he sent her a friend request.

 

He should've ignored the note completely or said, "Hey, it's going well. Just to let you know, I am engaged so I'm not on match.com anymore. Take care."

 

And even more so, he should NOT have added her as a friend. WTF!

 

What was the point of befriending someone he doesn't know at all?

[DazedandConfused8]

You set the guy up to fail and now you're upset he responded to her message? You're the one with the problem, not him.

[TealQueen]

He should've ignored the note completely or said, "Hey, it's going well. Just to let you know, I am engaged so I'm not on match.com anymore. Take care."

 

And even more so, he should NOT have added her as a friend. WTF!

 

What was the point of befriending someone he doesn't know at all?

 

For whatever reason, he will add just about anyone on Facebook. If someone from wherever adds him, he'll accept it, regardless of if he knows them or not. If he's commented on a page he's "liked" and someone responds to his comment, he'll add them. I would bet he doesn't know at least half of his Facebook friends in real life, if not more. I think he just wants to have a lot of facebook "friends" so the fact that he friend requested her didn't bother me, because he friend requests everybody.

 

And I agree, that's about exactly what I would've said if it were me.

[TealQueen]

You set the guy up to fail and now you're upset he responded to her message? You're the one with the problem, not him.

 

This was over a year ago. In the moment, it seemed like a good thing to do, to see what would happen. To not wonder "what if"

I wouldn't do that now.

Not that I'm so much older and more mature, but I have done quite a bit of growing up in the past year. A lot has changed.

 

And since a few people have asked our ages or assumed we're young, we're 22 and 25; in a few days it'll be 23 and 26.

[veggirl]

What was he doing on match?

 

Yes, you should be incredibly concerned, this guy is very interested in what else is out there. He apparently was actively trying to date others and now he is trying to keep contact w/ someone he met during that time. He's not going to be faithful, he's made that obvious.

 

I just read your last thread. You would be a fool to marry this guy. He is selfish to the max, he barely even has sex with you, won't even set aside a couple nights a week to go to sleep with you...so on and so forth. Why do you want to marry him? He doesn't seem to meet your needs, or care to.

 

How far along is this wedding planning? I mean do you even have a date set? He seems like the type to propose and then be done w/ it.

Edited August 25, 2014 by veggirl

[bathtub-row]

Teal, I went back and read some of your posts also. You've got a LOT of problems with this guy. Do you realize how many times you've written things about how troubled you are in this relationship? Are those things alone not a big red flag to you? What are you hanging onto here? I'm starting to think this guy is somewhat abusive; at the very least, he's uncaring and arrogant. But whatever he is, he is NOT going to be a good husband to you. You're kidding yourself if you think he is. Most people on this site know the signs of a good or bad marriage and I don't think anyone is feeling any good vibes about your situation.

 

And what's this nonsense about him not being excited about being engaged because he's been engaged before?? So what? That is such complete BS. When you love someone, that supersedes all the other stuff from the past. This guy has you dancing on pins and needles and you have no real level of comfort or happiness because you're constantly trying to defend the relationship or his actions, or forgiving very questionable behavior, or reading books and trying to get him to understand how to communicate with you. This is no way to be. Love isn't a battleground -- although I know a lot of people choose to live that way. And, contrary to popular belief, it should not be that much work.

 

You do realize that all the negatives get more pronounced once you get married, right? Do you think he's all of a sudden going to be so thrilled that he's married that everything is going to come up roses? The next thing you know, you're going to be posting on this site about how horrible your marriage makes you feel. This will neither be amusing or entertaining for you. Trust me.

[Mr. Lucky]

What was he doing on match?

He was incurring what should have been strike one. And this FB message is strike two (that you know about. ).

 

Hate to say but hope your reception deposit is refundable. He seems happy to stray and you seem in denial about his willingness to do so...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited August 25, 2014 by Mr. Lucky

[TealQueen]

What was he doing on match?

 

Yes, you should be incredibly concerned, this guy is very interested in what else is out there. He apparently was actively trying to date others and now he is trying to keep contact w/ someone he met during that time. He's not going to be faithful, he's made that obvious.

 

I just read your last thread. You would be a fool to marry this guy. He is selfish to the max, he barely even has sex with you, won't even set aside a couple nights a week to go to sleep with you...so on and so forth. Why do you want to marry him? He doesn't seem to meet your needs, or care to.

 

How far along is this wedding planning? I mean do you even have a date set? He seems like the type to propose and then be done w/ it.

 

Yes, we have a date. We set a date the day we got engaged.

As far as how far we are in the wedding planning, we're about 85% finished planning and have bought a ton of stuff for it.

He's taking an active role in the wedding. He was very into the conversation with the wedding planner. He's taken an interest in helping with things.

He does say he's engaged. I've heard him talk to people about it and say he's very excited.

 

I know that what happened wasn't great or anything, but just keep in mind, in everything I've posted, I only have said the negatives. I've never really said any positives (there are many) because I never needed any advice on the good stuff, of course.

[bathtub-row]

I know that what happened wasn't great or anything, but just keep in mind, in everything I've posted, I only have said the negatives. I've never really said any positives (there are many) because I never needed any advice on the good stuff, of course.

 

It doesn't matter about the good stuff because the other things he's doing are deal breakers. Not saying your fiancé is abusive but, just as an example, abusive relationships aren't abusive 24/7. There are happy moments in them and Abusers can be kind and gentle. Why do you think those relationships are so confusing to women? But the abuse is the deal breaker. It doesn't matter what he does the rest of the time.

 

In your case, you have a lot of warning signs about the man you're about to marry, so the good stuff isn't relevant. He's already showing signs of cheating on you and a certain among of arrogance toward you, yet you're downplaying those things.

 

As I said before, you have written about different things about this relationship many times. What that translates into is that you are not at peace with this relationship. I would suggest that, if nothing else, postpone the wedding and give this a lot more thought. Do not walk into marriage thinking that you can divorce him if it doesn't work out. And do not walk into it with big, red flags waving all over the place and think that by some miracle, it's all going to work out. Divorce is soul-destroying, even when it's the best thing to do.